Chapter 15: break me

Fionna frowned at her reflection in the mirror. Her hair was a birds nest, and her mascara smudged slightly under her eyes. The biggest disappointment she saw in her sad reflection was the body paint on her arm smudged and crumbled from the rain and the sweat still clinging to her body. She did her best to fix her clothes like they were before, but her hair was something she'd have to really work at. Right now she didn't even want to stand…

Marshall had finished washing his hands, his fly still undone with the tied off condom wrapped up and disposed of. He flicked water off his fingers before grabbing another paper towel and throwing it away as well. A sigh escaped his mouth, and he finally closed the front of his pants. His mind was going at one hundred miles per hour. She didn't really want to do that…but why did she? He looked over at her and saw how blank her stare was, how forlorn she looked just standing there staring at her reflection. It made him feel so terrible. Her sad expression made his gut twist and his heart hurt for her. The last thing he ever wanted to do was hurt her.

Fionna felt arms around her waist along with a warm pressure against her back. She saw Marshall kissing the side of her neck delicately and softly as he affectionally squeezed her. It would be a lie if she said she didn't like it or find comfort from his soft yet dry lips. Despite that, it made her ache even more, but there was no way he could know that. She put her hand over his arms and closed her eyes, tilting her head back for him to kiss more of her skin.

"You wanna go again?" She asked softly. Marshall sighed and turned her to face him. She opened her eyes to see his hard expression and realized that wasn't what he was getting at.

"Fionna…you didn't really want to do that…did you?" He questioned. She was silent, her heart pounding in her chest. Why did he have to question it? She couldn't handle anything that was happening right now.

"I…I did what I wanted to do," she replied simply. Marshall sighed again and let his head down for a moment. He rolled his neck and looked at her again.

"Fionna, don't lie to me. I can understand you actively wanting it, but I can tell you're not happy with what just happened," he said sternly, his hands on her arms, and his eyes staring directly in to hers. It was starting to make her feel uncomfortable, guilty, and shameful. She frowned.

"Look, if you didn't like it or if you didn't want to you can just leave me alone, but don't try and get things out of me that aren't there. I did it because I wanted to, and no other reason," she told him defiantly.

"Fionna, stop being so stubborn! I know something is going on with you, and you're not happy!" He snapped.

"Why does it matter to you whether or not I'm happy?" She demanded to know.

"Because I care about you!" He shouted, silencing Fionna and shocking her. This was making her feel sick.

"Fionna, I care about you so much," he murmured and pulled a strand of hair out of her face. "I want to make you happy, not sad. If…if I did something wrong, I want you to tell me because I never ever want to hurt you," he said. Fionna felt like her throat was burning. She wanted him to stop.

"I can tell you're not okay, so don't tell me you are. Just tell me what's wrong," he begged and rubbed her arm affectionately. Her eyes started to water and she could feel a jagged rock in her throat that scraped her whenever she breathed. Instead of talking she reached forward and wrapped her arms around his torso. She buried her head in to his chest and joked back sobs as he held her tightly in his arms.

"Don't worry, it's okay. It's okay to cry," he whispered and pressed a kiss to the top of her head.

"Please…don't s-say stuff like that," she whimpered, clutching the back of his shirt and hiding herself deeper.

"Like what?" He asked softly, rubbing her shoulder gently.

"L-like you care about me a-and that you want to make me happy…" she muffled in to his flannel. Marshall hesitated, her warm body shivering in his arms as he held her closer.

"Why not?" He whispered.

"Because I-I know you don't! That's insane," she cried.

"It's insane that I care about you?" He questioned. She sobbed and clutched the fabric tighter in her palms.

"N-no…it's insane for anyone to care about me," she quivered. Marshall carefully pulled her back to look in to her red, puffy eyes. The black smudges from her mascara ran down her cheeks, and he promptly wiped them away.

"No…it's insane you think that," he told her. She shook her head and refused to look at him.

"N-no! You d-don't understand, Marshall! I-I'm not worth this! I'm not worth anything-"

"God, who did this to you? What happened to you that made you feel so worthless?" He interrupted and continued to clean her tears. Her only response was a series of broken sobs followed by a few hiccups and attempted words.

"Fionna, calm down. Don't try and talk, just breathe," he urged and held her head steady to look at him.

"I-I'm…" she hiccuped, "s-so sorry."

"For heavens sake, Fi, don't apologize," he said and hugged her once more. As he was about to speak again the door opened. A person was pushed in by a cold gush of wind and rain as they noticed the two embracing by the sinks. Marshall made eye contact with the person before whispering to Fionna that they should probably leave. She nodded and pulled herself away from him to leave.

Fionna ran ahead of Marshall, too quick for him to catch up to her before she got to her spot. Cake wasn't there, but Fionna didn't think much of it. She instead looked around in her area and found a blanket they packed that was intended for a picnic. Instead she wrapped it around herself and sat in one of the chairs she and Cake had set up. The wind ripped through the blanket, and she couldn't stop shivering as she watch Marshall come closer and closer to their spots and lost feeling in her fingers. It was only once he finally caught up to her did she realize she was still crying.

Marshall sighed as he looked down at the shivering girl in front of him. It didn't even take him a second to pick her up and then sit down with her cradled in his lap. Her teeth were chattering as she nuzzled in to him for warmth and silently cried in to his collar. Marshall held one of her fridged hands and pressed kisses to her frozen fingers. Her warm breath tickled his collar bones, and he held her tighter as they waited in silence for the wind and rain to calm down. It wasn't a very long storm, but it wasn't a short one either.

Although it was windy, nothing blew away, and the ground wasn't completely soaked once the rain had lightened up. Marshall figured it would still be cloudy for an hour or two. For the most part it seem as if the rain and wind had passed completely, yet Fionna was still shivering ever so slightly in his arms. It only took him a moment to realize she wasn't shivering, she was still crying. He frowned and rubbed her fingers until they were as warm as his. Her face was hidden from him and the rest of the world, but her hair was blown in every direction. She didn't bother to fix it, but Marshall instantly started to organize the curls and strands in to their correct places.

"I don't want you to feel upset or guilty about what happened between us," he spoke softly. Her only response was a sniffle. "I just want to know what's going on, and…and why you're so upset," he continued.

"I don't want you to think I only slept with you that one time because I was drunk, or because I'm a one night guy. I…I like you. I like you a lot, and I just…ah, fuck…" he sighed and ran his hand through his hair. "I'm not too good with mushy emotion words about my feelings if you can't tell," he muttered. He felt a slight giggle warm his neck and looked down at her. Fionna finally removed her face from his neck and wiped her damp eyes.

"I…I kinda like you too," she murmured shyly and looked him in the eyes. Marshall chuckled and pulled her fringe in to place.

"Only kinda? That's harsh," he said. His hand continued to run through her hair as she smiled and enjoyed his fingers.

"I'm very…cautious with myself," she told him. Marshall nodded in agreement. He had noticed. "And I'm especially cautious when it comes to guys and dating them and talking to them," she explained.

"Is there a reason for that? Or are you just a cautious person in general?" He asked and moved his hand to caress her cheek, smooth and dry from her tears.

"Um…I learned the hard way to be careful…"

"So there's a reason."

She nodded.

"What happened?" He questioned. Fionna cleared her throat and looked down at the blanket wrapped around her.

"You remember that guy I said I dated for a few years? The one I dated in high school and in to college?" She asked timidly. Marshall nodded.

"Well…it turned out he only asked me out because of a dare, and I know that doesn't sound really bad because it lasted so long but…it wasn't just that," she told him.

"I dunno, asking someone out on a dare seems pretty shitty to me," Marshall said. Fionna shook her head.

"No…he…he did a lot worse." She assured him and paused. "He, uh…he never liked me at all. He was just doing it because his parents really liked me and I was set on going to college and I was a good influence and all that crap. All of his friends were my friends, so breaking up with me and saying it was a dare would make everything…complicated in the group."

"So instead he lied to you for, what, three years?"

"Two and a half, but yeah. Basically," she replied. Marshall frowned and bit his lip. Knowing that someone was so terrible to her made him angry beyond belief.

"I don't know why he let it go on for so long…I thought we would, y'know, end up married or something like that. I should've known, really, all my friends in college told me he was a piece of shit and that he cheated a lot. I never asked him about it, but I could tell. He always had a hickie somewhere and scratches up and down his back when we hadn't done anything in weeks. I always looked the other way when we went to parties and he left with a different girl…I was so blind," her voice cracked and she took a moment to regain her voice.

"The worst part was when he snapped. He never fought with me, or raised his voice at me except for when he broke it off. Something…I don't know what, set him off and he just started screaming. He told me I was annoying and stupid and that he's been cheating on me for over a year and I hadn't even questioned it. He told me everything. He told me about the dare and his parents and the guilt I made him feel. He said I made him feel so ashamed about himself that I gave him anxiety and depression. He said I-I was so bossy and controlling. H-he said I-I was stiff and completely cold in bed. He s-said that he thought he could've at least gotten a few good f-fucks out of me b-but I wasn't g-good enough a-and that I was t-the coldest b-bitch he had ever m-met!" Fionna couldn't help but cry again. Tears flowed down her face like waterfalls, and sobs stabbed her chest over and over again. Marshall cursed and held her close to him again, cradling and hugging her again.

"H-he said he had n-never been so disappointed in h-his life! He said I-I was so disgusting a-and f-fat! He shouted at me and s-said I gained so much weight once I got in to college! He t-threw food at me as h-he stormed out and left me a-alone in my dorm…h-he just left me," she wept. Marshall shushed her softly and did his best to sooth her. His hands comforted her body as he pressed another kiss to her forehead.