Kim put the phone down, having made the final arrangements for her and Jeannie's return to California. She had spent most of the morning booking the flight, arranging the return of the rental car and finally securing a driver to pick them up in L.A. Kim was exhausted and would have much preferred crawling back into bed, especially considering the fitful sleep she had the night before.
Kim had tossed and turned all night, desperate to come to some understanding of the last 24 hours. Was it less than a day ago that she had finally found herself back in Shane's arms? Had they really been making plans to be together always? And yet here she was, now trying to figure out how to tell Shane their bright future together no longer existed. Her concern at the moment was Jeannie. She was terribly distraught, actually alarming Kim with her level of distress. The divorce from Phillip had been hard enough on her and now this secret she had kept bottled up inside. Kim knew all about secrets – and the pain and destruction they caused. That was why no matter how much Kim loved Shane or wanted to be with him, she decided her daughter's happiness had to come first.
Kim reached for the phone again, to make the first of several calls informing the family of her and Jeannie's imminent departure. She let out a long sigh as she dialed the first number. "Hope, It's Kimberly."
"Oh Hi Kim," Hope answered cheerily. "Listen, can I call you back? I'm just heading out with Ciara."
"Can you give me a minute, please?"
Sensing her serious tone, Hope said, "Sure Kim. What's up?"
"Jeannie and I will be leaving tomorrow. We're heading back to L.A."
There was silence as Hope was taken aback by her announcement. "Isn't this awfully sudden?"
"No, not really. Jeannie has wanted to go back for quite some time and I need to get back home. You know, get things settled before the book tour." Kim was thankful Hope couldn't see her face. She was certain one look and Hope would see through this bald-faced lie.
"What about Shane?"
Kim tried to keep her voice casual. "I'm sure he'll finish his assignment here and then head home himself. Back to England."
Hope waited a moment to clarify her question. "I mean what about you and Shane?"
"We had a nice visit and that's all. I wasn't looking for anything more." She paused for a second to let that comment sink in. "I think all of you expected more." Kim swallowed hard afraid her voice would betray her. Feeling tears coming on, she knew she had to end the conversation soon. Taking a deep breath, she said, "I'll be at the pub around 5 o'clock, visiting Ma and Pop. If you can stop by then, I'd love to see you before I go."
"Sure Kim, I'll be there."
"Good! I'll see you then." Kim replied, relieved to be ending the call.
Her subsequent phone calls to the rest of the family weren't any easier and they all involved the same inquiry, "What about Shane?" That was the one question she couldn't answer, not to them or to herself.
Staring out the window that looked past the garden towards the guest house, Kim let her mind wander back to the beginning of summer. What had started as a quick visit home before her book tour had evolved into so much more. Although Kim had regrets for how things ended, her relief far outweighed them. She regretted that Jeannie was at odds with Shane but at the same time relieved that she no longer held this terrible secret. Kim hoped that in time Jeannie would find her way back to her father.
Kim hadn't heard any sounds from upstairs and guessed that Jeannie was still asleep. She decided now might be the only time she could talk with Shane, without upsetting her daughter further. Grabbing a sweater to ward off the early morning chill, she walked slowly towards the guest house, filled with apprehension. Ever since making the decision to leave with Jeannie, Kim had tried to figure out what she was going to tell Shane, struggling to find the right words to say. Now that the actual moment had arrived, she still was not sure. What words could she say that would ease their pain, explain away all the mistakes they made? But what Kim really feared most was how she was going to say good-bye to him once more? She turned the corner at the end of the stone path and came around to the side of the guest house. There she found Shane sitting on the terrace, his back to her.
"Shane," she said softly walking up behind him.
He closed his eyes and thought to himself how he would never tire of hearing her voice. But now he feared it would be silent to him once again. He turned around and Kim could see from his pale, washed-out complexion and sad, tired eyes that his night's sleep had been no better than hers.
Looking in her eyes, Shane knew immediately what Kim was going to tell him. A sinking feeling crept over his body as she spoke. "Jeannie and I are leaving tomorrow. I've made the arrangements."
Actually hearing those words turned the sinking feeling into a cold numbness that permeated his entire body. "It's never the right time for us, is it?" Shane asked with defeat in his voice.
"No it never is," Kim sighed as she took a seat across from him. "First my divorce and now this secret. It's taken its toll on her Shane. I don't know how long Jeannie has known everything. But she's upset right now and needs to go home. And I need to take her."
Shane studied Kim closely and felt regret come over him as he thought about all the pain he had caused her and now Jeannie, too. "I know you do. I always said you were the most nurturing, caring mother. I wouldn't expect less from you."
"Shane, I want you to know …" Her voice faltered for a moment as she reached out to grasp his hand. She breathed deeply to steady her voice. "I want you to know how grateful I am that we had this time together."
"Oh me too, Kimberly. Me too." Shane brought her hand to his lips and lightly kissed the back of her fingertips. With her other hand, Kim tenderly combed her fingers through the waves of his gray streaked hair. Shane briefly closed his eyes at her touch. He had grappled all night with what he wanted to say to her. What he needed to say. He only hoped he could now get the words out. "I love you so much, Kim. I don't know how I ever lost sight of that. But you never did. Not through everything I put you ..."
"Please Shane." Kim didn't want to bring up the past.
"No Kimberly, I need to say it. I may never have another chance." Kim could read the disquiet in his eyes so she slowly nodded, silently agreeing to listen to his words of remorse. "I put you through so much Kimberly. Here I wanted to be the one to care for you. I thought I would be the one who would always make you happy. And instead, I hurt you. I brought you so much pain."
Shane fought the lump forming in his throat. "First Emma, then Victor, even Eve. I always let that girl come between us over and over again. But you... you were steadfast and so sure in your love for me, no matter what." Shane's eyes were filled with torment from the memories now flooding him. Kim reached up with her hand. She wanted to stroke his cheek, hoping to dispel some of the pain she knew he was feeling. But Shane brushed her hand away, certain he didn't deserve her comforting touch.
"Then Cal. I should have been grateful you were safe. Instead, I was angry and spiteful. That made me want to hurt you. And I turned to Kayla. How could I betray you like that?" Shane choked on the words. His overwhelming pain was now obvious, bringing tears to Kim's eyes. She reached out again and this time Shane accepted her gesture, as if he could gain absolution from her touch. Looking deeply into Kim's eyes, Shane whispered, his voice slightly twinged with astonishment. "You never wavered Kim. Not ever. Everything I put you through and you never wavered in your love for me."
"You're my one true love," Kim stated clearly, with confidence and certainty.
They held each other's gaze, neither knowing what more to say to each other. Shane was uncertain how he could live without her, loving her as much as he did, yet knowing she was once again beyond his reach.
They rose and walked together up the stone path to the front door of the main house. Reaching it, Kim turned to Shane and wrapped her arms around his shoulders as Shane pulled her tightly to him. They held each other that way for the longest time, neither wanting to let go. At last they pulled apart and Kim smiled sweetly at Shane. After letting his eyes linger for just a moment, he leaned in and gave her a last tender kiss on her lips before turning and walking back towards the guest house alone.
Entering the main house, Kim found Jeannie in the kitchen, still in her pajamas. Jeannie was certain she knew where her mother had just been and looked at her tentatively, not sure what to expect.
"Good, I'm glad you're up," Kim remarked and to Jeannie's relief, added, "I made all the arrangements this morning. We'll be going home tomorrow. Now I have a few errands to run and you need to get dressed. Plan on heading to the pub around 5 o'clock to say good-bye to everyone."
"Mom …" Jeannie started to say something but when her mother turned to face her, she decided against it and instead said, "I'll be ready at 5."
"And start packing, too. It's an early flight tomorrow," Kim called after her before heading out the door.
Jeannie was upstairs packing when she heard a faint rap on the front door. She rushed down the stairs thinking it must be Stephanie or Chelsea checking on her. She had been quite a mess when she fled the beach last night. Upon opening the door Jeannie was startled to see Shane standing there.
"Can I talk with you?" Shane asked calmly. He had seen Kim drive away a short time ago and summoning up the courage, decided he needed to talk with Jeannie, or at least try to talk to her.
Jeannie frowned and without answering stepped aside to let Shane in. He headed for the living room with Jeannie following slowly behind, hands firmly planted on her hips, anger set in her hazel green eyes. Shane took a seat on the sofa and immediately regretted his choice. The plump, oversized cushions practically swallowed him whole and he found the effect put him totally off balance. It struck Shane as insanely funny that here he was, a man who was always so confident and never at a loss for words, whether he was in the company of diplomats or the most devious criminal minds. Yet this young girl with her insolence and defiant eyes could unnerve him, actually shake him to his core. He chuckled to himself at the irony before beginning to speak. But before he even had a chance to say anything, Jeannie jumped in and stated stoically, "I didn't mean what I said. I don't hate you."
Shane smiled uneasily, thankful for this remark. "I'm rather glad that you don't. But I wouldn't blame you if you did. Everything you said was true." He motioned to the armchair opposite him and Jeannie grudgingly sat down. Shane watched her closely over the pressed palms he held before his lips, contemplating what to say. "I had a wife who I loved, a son I adored and a beautiful baby girl on the way that I should have been grateful for," Shane began, his voice heavy with regret. "Instead, I threw it all away." He paused for a moment as the words caught in his throat. "You were right. I turned my back on all of you."
"But why?"
"Jeannie, I've asked myself that question a thousand times and I'm no closer to an answer than when I first asked it fifteen years ago."
There was silence as Shane pondered what more he was going to say. What could he say to make her understand what he did when he barely understood his actions himself? "I loved your mother very much. I still do. And I promised her that I would always protect and care for her. But time after time I failed her." He closed his eyes as images of Emma, Victor, Eve and Cal once again flashed through his mind like ghosts that were doomed to haunt him forever. Opening his eyes he leaned forward and spoke in a voice barely above a whisper. "Then this last time, when she was pregnant with you …"
Shane paused not sure how to proceed. How could he explain how he failed to protect Kim from a predator like Cal, and then justify turning on her himself. Choosing his words carefully, he said, "Well, let's just say I failed to protect her from danger once more and because of that, I thought I wasn't your father. I decided that you, this beautiful baby not yet born, would be a constant reminder of that failure."
Shane looked directly at Jeannie and shook his head sadly. "Why did I do what I did? I'm not really sure. All I know is I found it was much easier to blame your mother for what happened than to accept my own failure. With blame came anger and I ended up wanting to punish her. So I pushed your mother away and hurt her terribly." He looked at Jeannie to guage her reaction but her expression refused to reveal any emotion. Shane crossed and uncrossed his legs before proceeding. "By the time I realized my mistake, too much damage had been done. In the end, I lost everything. A loving wife, son and beautiful daughter, and a life that I so much wanted to live."
Reaching into his pocket, Shane pulled out a small drawstring pouch. Untying the strings, he opened it to reveal his mother's treasured cameo. He held it out to Jeannie. "This was your grandmother's cameo. It means a great deal to me. I once gave it to your mother with the promise that I would always love her and be there for her." Taking a deep breath, he continued, "She rightly returned it to me. So I'd like you to have it now. Hold on to it, Jeannie. And when you're ready to accept it, really accept it, know that I will always be there for you."
Jeannie carefully fingered the cameo. No longer able to hide her feelings, she stared at her father with tear-filled eyes. Shane instinctively reached up and with his thumb brushed away a tear that threatened to spill down her cheek. It was a simple gesture, like a father would do to a young child crying from a skinned knee. Suddenly Jeannie had flashes of a warm smile and kind green eyes, of running in patent buckle-shoes to waiting open arms and being lifted high into the air, of dancing together after a night of making omelets. And Jeannie realized she wanted to get to know her father better, this man who had so long been like a stranger to her. Maybe not now while her pain was still fresh, but sometime, sometime soon.
Shane took one more look at Jeannie before rising and heading for the door. "Wait," Jeannie called out to him, clutching the cameo firmly in her hand. He stopped and slowly turned around. They stood facing each other, as if in a duel, waiting for the other person to make a move. Jeannie knew she wanted to say something, she just wasn't sure what. Then it came to her. She bit her lip as the words nervously popped out of her mouth. "You'll come to my high school graduation next spring won't you?"
Shane's face broke out in a warm smile as he answered, "I wouldn't miss it." Jeannie smiled back as she watched her father head out the door.
Kim woke up before the alarm clock's blaring ring could jar her awake. Looking toward the French doors across the room, Kim could see the sky was gray and overcast, setting the appropriate gloom for the day ahead. She knew she should get up but the heaviness in her heart held her back for a moment.
Last night's farewell at Brady's Pub had been bittersweet, fillled with repeated promises and assurances of staying in touch and visiting often. Kim had been overwhelmed by all the people who came to say good-bye. But she was grateful that one person chose to stay away. Kim knew it would have been too difficult to see Shane once more. Fortunately, no one questioned his absence. It was as if they sensed it was best he was not there. Throughout the evening, Jeannie was unusually quiet, hardly talking, not even with Chelsea and Stephanie. Instead, Kim felt Jeannie's eyes on her all night, constantly watching. This only added to an already uneasy feeling settling over her.
Kim finally called it a night around 8 o'clock despite protests from Roman and Bo that it was much too early to turn in. But Kim was firm, insisting she and Jeannie needed to head home and get some sleep. So after another rousing Irish toast and wishes for a safe flight and successful book tour, Kim and Jeannie were on their way home. As sad as she had been to say good-bye to her family, Kim welcomed the quiet solitude her bedroom provided. She had hoped to drift into a peaceful sleep but once again her night was restless and fitful. She wondered if all her nights were now destined to be like that.
Kim heard Jeannie through the bedroom door, scurrying about the upstairs hallway. Tossing off the covers, Kim dragged herself out of bed. She opted for a bubble bath thinking the fragrant warm water would soothe her jagged nerves. She was wrong. It only served to bring up past memories of her and Shane together. Leaning back in the tub, Kim thought about their first date when she had retreated to a bubble bath just like this. She recalled how Shane had so ungallantly barged in on her bath, under the guise of delivering soothing bath salts, yet barely covering his eyes with the back of his hand. Only years later did he confess to Kim that he had actually peeked. Kim shook head, realizing she shouldn't dwell on what she could not change. That was the price of daydreaming, eventually returning to what is real and finding it seems just a little bit worse.
She quickly finished the bath, hurriedly dressed and a short time later emerged, ready to face the day ahead. She found Jeannie downstairs in the kitchen, already dressed, cleaning up her breakfast dishes.
"Can I make you something for breakfast?" Jeannie stood at the sink, with her back to her mother.
"No, it's okay. I'll grab something at the airport before we board the flight." Kim had no appetite and knew breakfast would only prolong their stay. She was already anxious to leave. "I'm just going to take one last look about and make sure everything is locked. Then we should go."
Jeannie waited downstairs while Kim took a final walk through the house. She pretended to check appliances and windows, but Kim really just wanted one more look at this home, her home. She slowly peeked in all the rooms until she reached the master bedroom. There she stopped at the door and breathed deeply before stepping across the threshold. Looking about the room, she allowed her hands to sweep across the mahogony chair and gingerly touch the crystal vanity set before her eyes settled upon the damask covered bed. Barely touching it with her fingertips, she closed her eyes as if taking notes to imprint some long-forgotten memories.
From somewhere far away she heard, "Mom, are you ready?"
Kim forced her mind back to the present and sighing, shouted back, "I'm coming," before heading down.
They had loaded the luggage in the car the night before. Kim had insisted upon it hoping to avoid any delays in departing but still she found she couldn't rush away. Even the light rain that had started to fall couldn't deter her. Kim took a moment to stand by the car and glanced towards the guest house before climbing into the driver's seat. When Jeannie had settled into the car as well, Kim drove off, oblivious to the pair of green eyes watching through the guest house window.
The ride to the airport was quiet, with neither having much to say. The only sounds were the steady beating of the rain and the windshield wipers whipping back and forth. Jeannie sat in the passenger seat, staring intently out the window, watching the rain pound the side of the road. She took a quick sideways glance at her mother who was staring fixedly at the road ahead. Usually one to make small talk, Kim was now uncharacteristically quiet, avoiding any conversation. But Jeannie welcomed the silence. It gave her the opportunity to replay the last few days' events in her mind. She wanted to make sense of all that had happened, from what had been said to what had been left unsaid. Through it all, she kept hearing her mother's words to her over and over again -- "There's a lot you don't understand." She looked once more at her mother and this time Kim met her gaze with a soft, reassuring smile.
Pulling off the exit, Kim and Jeannie found the airport busy, clamoring with travelers squeezing in one last vacation before the end of summer and others returning from some far-off journeys. Kim sighed deeply as she pulled into a long line of waiting cars to return her rental. She sadly realized this was not going to be some quick transaction. The car slowly inched along until it unexpectedly came to a standstill. Up ahead, at the front of the line, Kim noticed an argument brewing between the car rental agent and a driver.
"Oh, I think we're going to have quite a wait," Kim sighed. "It's a good thing we left early."
Jeannie ignored the comment. Her mind was elsewhere. So she and Kim settled into the now familiar silence between them. After fifteen minutes and barely moving a car length, Jeannie couldn't stand the tension she felt any longer. She turned to her mother and asked pensively, "Mom, what are you doing?"
"Huh? I'm returning the car."
"No, I mean what are you doing going back to California," Jeannie repeated, clarifying her question.
Kim turned in the driver's seat and looked at her daughter perplexed. "School is starting soon and you need to go back home," she said matter-of-factly as if she were stating the obvious.
"Yeah, I need to go back ... and stay with friends like we always planned. In a year I'll be gone, away at college. And you'll be alone, in a city you never considered home."
"I don't understand."
"It's simple, Mom. You don't belong in California. You never did." Speaking clearly, Jeannie stated forthrightly, "You belong here ... with him … with Dad." Jeannie uncurled her fingers to reveal her grandmother's cameo. "And this still belongs to you."
Kim looked from the cameo to her daughter and back to the cameo again, her eyes brimming with tears. She took the cameo in her hand, this treasure that she had cherished so long ago. When did her daughter get to be so wise, she wondered. Then Jeannie reached over and mother and daughter hugged as Jeannie laughed and said between tears, "You just remind him he promised to come to my high school graduation."
With tears streaming down her cheeks, Kim held her daughter's chin and smiled at her. "Come on, you have a plane to catch."
Kim carefully maneuvered the car out of the rental return lane and steered several lanes over to drop Jeannie off at the terminal. She had wanted to park and wait with Jeannie until she headed to the gate but Jeannie scoffed at the idea insisting, "You have a much more important place to go."
After more hugs and assurances from Jeannie that she would call as soon as she landed in L.A., Kim was on her way home, back to the man she knew she was meant to spend the rest of her days with, the man she loved more than life itself.
The rain had stopped as she pulled off the highway and Kim noticed the sky was turning from gray to blue. She felt her heart pounding as she drove through familiar streets and her breathing quicken as each turn of the car brought her closer to Shane. When she turned onto her street, she paused, and taking a deep breath, pulled the car silently up the driveway, the wet gravel muffling the sound of her tires.
She stepped from the car and breathlessly rushed to the door of the guest house, the anticipation of seeing Shane spurring her on. She rapped lightly on the door and at first there was no response. Panic gripped her heart as Kim feared that maybe she was too late … maybe he had gone. Then the door opened and Shane stood before her, his stunned expression unable to mask his surprise. Shane looked at her expectantly, uncertain what to do. Then Kim uncurled her fingers to reveal the cameo, her cameo, and they both smiled in unison. Breaking the silence between them, Kim said simply, "You have a very wise daughter."
Shane's green eyes crinkled as he drew Kim to him and their lips met in a tender kiss. As their kiss deepened, they both felt how right it was to be in each other's arms again. When their lips parted, they saw the powerful love they had for each other reflected in their eyes. Kim gently touched his cheek, murmuring, "I love you."
Brushing his thumb softly across her lips, Shane whispered back, "And I love you ... always," before sweeping her into his arms and carrying her into the guest house.