Usual disclaimer applies.

March, 2012

~59~

When I arrive at school the next day, I have to admit that I'm nervous.

First of all, although I know my worry is futile, I don't want Jessica to share with anyone what she told me yesterday. Yes, people in this school already think I'm a whore and it wouldn't change much, but I can just imagine Edward's reaction. He is still under the impression that we are siblings, and for him to have to hear about last September's little mistake, well, it just wouldn't be fair.

But I know Jessica, and even though it happened so long ago, the fact that it's been brought up again is going to be a green light for her to share it with everyone.

Secondly, I really don't want to have to see Edward today, to see the perpetual pain in his eyes and not do anything to stop it. Because while I do plan on telling him as soon as possible that we are in fact not related, I would rather that conversation didn't take place at school. I am bound to cry and if he does too, like he did yesterday…yeah, not happening here in the view of our peers.

But unfortunately, the sky is cloudless so when I step out of my truck at a quarter after eight, Edward and his friends are the first thing I see, loitering on the school's front steps.

Crap.

I head over there anyway, not wanting to suspend the inevitable.

And the small group of teenage boys, including Edward, turn silent. I can feel their stares burning into me as I walk by, but I don't look away from the door. I wonder what they are thinking, what they could possibly know.

I wonder what Edward is thinking.

And that thought plagues me for the rest of the day, making it difficult to think of anything else. Because really, what could he be thinking? What horrible thoughts have gone through his head this past year with the perception that he used to date his sister, that he slept with her? I can't even imagine. And then what he said yesterday… about how he felt. I'm not sure if I heard him right, but I think he said that he loved me, and that he couldn't stop.

I can't help but wonder if that still applies.

And I obsess over why he never told me, shared with me with his grief from the beginning, from the time of our breakup. Shared with me the fact that our parents were having an affair, that, according to his mother, we were siblings. Surely that must have been exhausting, keeping it to himself…

And a memory inexplicably comes to mind.

Our first date.

I feel so awkward eating the sandwich he has made me with only one hand. But the thought of letting go of his is just painful. We are sitting on a soft quilt in a clearing in the forest. I can hear a waterfall bubbling in the distant and can smell the rich odor of the trees. It's lovely. And I just can't get over the work he has put into this, the effort he took to make it perfect.

A picnic in the woods.

Could it get any better?

Winter is finally passed us, and the ground is just dry enough to sit on, the temperature warm enough for us to sport bare arms.

And did I mention that he is holding my hand?

Caught up in my blissful happiness, I finally look over at him. And it is then that I notice. Edward looks, well, unwell. His normally pink cheeks are palest white, his eyes glassy. A sheen of sweat has even coated his skin, reflecting the late afternoon sunlight. He notices my gaze, and tries to give me a brave smile.

"Edward! You're sick!" I can't keep the accusing tone out of my voice. He shouldn't have come out if he was feeling so horrible. I mentally kick myself for not noticing sooner.

He curses under his breath, probably because the charade is up.

"I really didn't want to cancel Bella, I didn't want to disappoint you. It's okay, I'll be okay. I just hope you're having a good time."

Believe me Edward, I am. I only wish you were too.

.

.

And so I wonder.

Could Edward have kept this massive secret to himself for the same reason; because he thought he could handle it, because he didn't want to burden me with it?

And I can't decide which is worse. Was it better for me to not know the reason for our breakup, and just feel the hurt of losing Edward, or to have learned the real reason, that we could possibly be brother and sister, and be broken on a whole different level?

I simply don't know.