The Swing of Things - XLII

'Never let the future disturb you. You will meet it, if you have to,

with the same weapons of reason which today arm you against the present.'

- Marcus Aurelius

Two weeks later…

They walked in a silence that still seemed to be so far from companionable, and yet Buffy found that she had enjoyed Dawn's company that day nonetheless. Of course, there was still a way to go before their relationship could be described as completely repaired but they were throwing themselves into the effort with undeniable gusto. Arm in arm, the Summers sisters strolled through the streets of Sunnydale following an impromptu shopping spree that Angel had largely but unknowingly funded. Buffy had felt more than a little guilty in procuring his bank card from his wallet whilst he was still sleeping off the nightshift, but she reminded herself that such bonding exercises with Dawn were essential for the cultivation of their relationship. However, she had kept her spending to a minimum and then rounded off the outing by springing for lunch at the Espresso Pump.

Although Buffy had suggested the trip mainly for the benefit of Dawn, whose current wardrobe was straining against her swelling waistline, it was Buffy herself who carried the majority of the plunder. Five expensive looking monogrammed bags dangled from her free arm and Buffy smiled somewhat wickedly as she imagined the expression of horror on Angel's face as he spied them. In truth, Buffy had bought so few items that the bags were wholly unnecessary but she had been unable to resist the opportunity to tease Angel just a little. Her purchases consisted of nothing more than a purse, a few bottles of nail polish, a scarf and a neon scrunchie bought purely for nostalgic value. Meanwhile, Dawn had succumbed to her need for a pair of maternity jeans but had determinedly refused to sport any of the florally offensive shirts they had unearthed at Sunnydale's one stockist of clothing for the mother-to-be.

Dawn had entered the store like a woman on death row, her head bowed low so that her hair formed an obscuring curtain in front of her face. Buffy assumed that she was afraid of her high school peers spotting her during the usual rush of Saturday morning shoppers. Teen pregnancy, whilst not unheard of, was still a rarity in Sunnydale and Dawn was one of only two girls in her entire grade to be among the unfortunate statistic this year. The majority of Dawn's classmates had been indifferent to her situation but there were those who had seized upon the opportunity to victimise one of the supposedly smartest girls in school. Whilst Buffy had longed to intervene and squash the taunting before the semester was out, she knew that her interference would do nothing more than add fuel to the fire. And so reluctantly she instructed Dawn to ignore the cruel barbs and the missiles thrown slyly across the classroom, and instead focused on being as supportive as she could once the school day had ended. Often she resorted to trays of chocolate brownies and warm milk but she was certain that these too would become useless tools of comfort once news of Dawn's pregnancy had circulated wider.

Linking Dawn's arm, Buffy had quickly pushed through the doorway of the store and guided her sister towards the back, where she began picking through rows of clothing almost immediately. Dawn had hovered awkwardly at her sister's elbow, kicking at the carpet with the toe of her sneaker and looking increasingly uncomfortable as Buffy scrutinised one item after another. Finally, as Buffy held a pink polka dotted t-shirt up to Dawn's torso, the tears began to fall unchecked. The assistant who had been on her way over to the women with a painfully fixed smile in place beat a hasty retreat to the cash desk, suddenly remembering the counter display that was in dire need of rearrangement.

"I know those aren't tears of retail joy," Buffy had said gently as she plucked a clean tissue from her pocket and offered it to Dawn. "What gives, sweetie?"

Dawn dabbed at her eyes and offered Buffy a forced smile. She shrugged and blew her nose on the already sodden tissue.

"It's just…" Dawn faltered, shaking her head miserably and sniffling as fresh tears sprung to her eyes. She reached out and ran the tip of her finger along the sleeve of a silver silk shirt that appeared large and shapeless enough to comfortably swathe an elephant.

"I know," Buffy interjected with haste, rubbing Dawn's arm in a soothing manner and discarding the hanger she held for the moment. She peered tentatively into Dawn's eyes as she spoke, "This must be kinda overwhelming. I know that you didn't ask for any of this and that if you had known what would happen… well, then your choices would have been a little different. But you have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of…"

"I know that," Dawn interrupted with an edge of impatience creeping into her voice. Buffy blinked in surprise at the abruptness of her sister's tone and folded her arms across her chest in displeasure.

"So?" Buffy probed, simultaneously raising both eyebrows. Dawn peered back at her sister, her bottom lip quivering, and wrung the tissue out in both hands.

"It's just… it's just…" Dawn began, her voice wobbling in warning of an impending outpouring of emotion, "everything's so ugly."

Buffy had stood in stunned silence, observing her sister as the tears cascaded down her cheeks and noisy sobs escaping her heaving chest. The store assistant finally ducked into the stock room with a magazine tucked artfully under her arm and a telltale packet of cigarettes poking out of her blouse pocket. Buffy glanced down at the offending racks of pastel chiffon, t-shirts with oversized bows affixed to the chest, and stretch pants that seemed to come in every colour of the rainbow. Buffy swallowed a sneer of disgust and wondered how she would be reacting to the proposition of committing such crimes against fashion if she were in Dawn's position.

"It's not… that bad," she attempted, patting Dawn's arm in a consoling fashion and desperately sweeping the racks with her gaze for at least one garment that did not invoke a mental cringe. Grabbing the nearest hanger, Buffy held aloft a baby pink t-shirt with a trimming of lace around the hem.

"This isn't so terrible," she enthused, grimacing as Dawn hiccupped in place of a sob.

Holding her sister gently by both wrists, Buffy peered up into her tear streaked face.

"Now you listen here missy," she began in a sharp tone that seemed to sober Dawn for the moment, "ok, maybe pre-natal fashion is a little…"

"Hideous," Dawn interrupted sulkily, determined not to be placated. Resisting the urge to roll her eyes, Buffy shook her head and continued.

"I was going to say… 'dated'… but that's really besides the point. You know the drill here by now, Dawn; you're going to get big and uncomfortable and possibly even stretch marks…"

"And this is helping how?" Dawn yelped, her eyes widening at Buffy's apparent lack of compassion and tact.

"My point is that you know your body is going to change and you're going to have to adapt to those changes," Buffy recovered, "it's unavoidable and it may not always be fun or easy but you know what? That is the choice you made. And it's going to be worth it because when this is all over you're going to have the most beautiful little baby in your arms."

Therein had seemed to be the turning point of the day. It was almost as though Buffy's acceptance of the situation had newly dawned upon them both and as a consequence the Summer's sisters were able to relax a little more in each other's presence. The rest of the afternoon had passed quickly and with glimpses of the familiar banter they had always shared. As they walked home in the glorious afternoon sunshine, swinging their shopping bags and giggling girlishly, Buffy could not help the almost manic smile of content that found its way across her lips with ease.

It had come as a pleasant surprise to Buffy just how readily her return to Sunnydale had been accepted by the gang. Whilst Willow had opted to keep her room at the university, she had made an effort to drop by at least every few days to see how Buffy was adjusting, and even Xander had begun to come round to the idea of revisiting the Summers' home. His stays were more brief than Buffy was accustomed to and often consisted only of a ten minute cup of coffee, but she was careful to remind herself that Xander too was struggling to adjust to many recent changes. Willow had informed them all that Xander had joined a local grief counselling group in order to help him cope better with his anger and resentment at Anya's death, and for the most part the changes in his demeanour seemed apparent. However, Buffy had been careful to ensure that none of Xander's visits had as of yet coincided with Spike's presence in the house. Buffy had felt that she had little choice in the matter of allowing the demon with a soul into her home given his strong desire to do right by her sister, but she was still far from at ease in his company. Spike seemed more than aware of this fact and, eager to be accepted by the Scoobies once again, had kept his behaviour to exemplary standards.

Predictably, Buffy's relationship with Giles appeared unchanged, and the former Watcher had wasted little time in throwing himself into the task of helping Buffy find suitable employment. The several glowing recommendations he had penned to date on Buffy's behalf had brought tears to her eyes but as of yet failed to secure her a job.

Despite this, Buffy had yet to explain to Giles or anyone for that matter where her absence had taken her, or indeed what she had discovered there. The gang seemed content for the moment to allow her this privacy in the hope that she may volunteer some information in her own time. Buffy herself was unsure of exactly how much of the knowledge she had gleaned that she wished to share with her friends, but she knew that she owed them some morsels at the very least.

As Buffy had expected, it was her relationship with both Dawn and Angel that had suffered most as a consequence of her leaving town. Whilst Dawn seemed to have dissolved into a downward spiral of guilt, Angel now appeared for the most part to be unsure of how to relate to his fiancée. Some days saw him hovering tentatively in the background of whatever activity Buffy was engaged in, too afraid to speak to her lest he prove to be an irritation, while others saw him so intent upon allowing her some space that he barely spoke two words to her for the entirety of the day. Due to his nightly shift work Buffy had resumed her patrolling alone, occasionally accompanied by Willow or Giles, and so the couple had been afforded little time together in the past fortnight. Dwelling on this fact had only succeeded in darkening Buffy's features with a frown and, noting this, Dawn slowed her pace just a fraction.

"If I could spare a penny for your thoughts I would but I just spent my last dollar on sugar free gum," quipped Dawn, offering the unopened packet to Buffy and smiling hopefully. Buffy returned the smile before slipping the sunglasses she had been sporting on the crown of her head over her eyes. Her blonde waves immediately tumbled forward, framing her face like a halo.

"Just thinking about Angel," Buffy answered, punctuating her revelation with a sigh. "And how I messed up and now have absolutely no clue how to fix 'us'."

"So there is still an 'us'?" Dawn queried, screwing her face up in confusion as she added, "I mean a 'you'."

Buffy nodded, although the gesture seemed somewhat reluctant to Dawn.

"I definitely want there to be and I think Angel does too…" she began, stopping in her tracks and glaring at her sister as Dawn let out a snort.

"Oh please, Buffy," Dawn giggled, twirling a strand of hair around her index finger as she continued walking, "the sexual tension between you guys is-"

"Ok, enough," Buffy commanded with a wince, "I've barely accepted the fact that my baby sister is having sex… I don't need to hear her like talking about it and stuff. It's… wrong."

Dawn rolled her eyes and moved her fingers across her mouth in a zipping motion that Buffy observed with a satisfied nod.

"Ok, so here's the thing," Buffy began, taking a deep breath and beginning to trail after Dawn, "I just want things between us to be the way they were before I found out about Connor. But I know that's impossible. He's Angel's son and he should be a huge part of his life…"

"But he's not," Dawn interjected, quickly miming the zipping motion once more as she received a glare from Buffy.

"He's not. But that doesn't change the way I feel about Angel keeping his existence from me. A kid is like a major part of your life…" Buffy said quietly, her gaze trained to the ground, "I just don't see why he felt that he couldn't tell me. It kind of feels like he didn't trust me enough."

The sister's walked on in silence for a few more minutes, both seemingly lost in thought. Somewhere in the distance a dog yapped before giving chase to a nearby cat, and Buffy visibly started.

"So you've never kept anything from someone before?" Dawn asked softly, her head bowed as she struggled to refrain from meeting Buffy's gaze. "Something important… something that could change their lives and the way they think about you… something that could erase them completely from your existence in less than a second."

"You know that I have," Buffy croaked, swallowing the uncomfortable lump that arose in her throat as her thoughts drifted to the very reason that Angel was still able to walk the earth. She held perhaps the biggest secret of them all; one that if discovered could succeed in turning every last one of her friends and family away from her. And yet she continued to punish Angel for his mistake, his one untruth that in the light of her own lies seemed so human and inconsequential.

"People don't always lie because they're bad or they want to hurt you," Dawn said, glancing at Buffy and squeezing her arm supportively.

"I know," Buffy replied, leaning closer into Dawn's side and resting her head against her sister's shoulder.

"Most of the time, we do it because we don't want to hurt the ones we love," Dawn finished, gently pressing her cheek against the golden crown of Buffy's head. "I guess that's why Angel felt he had to lie to you. He didn't want to hurt you with information he thought you would probably never need to know… and he didn't want Connor to be hurt by the wrong people knowing."

Buffy nodded and fell easily back into her silence. She knew that Dawn's explanations for Angel's behaviour were undoubtedly correct and, although she had tried to accept this, she still struggled to breach the wall that had arisen between them. Even as they lay side by side in bed at night and Buffy longed to reach out across the darkness, there was some invisible and impenetrable force that stopped her from doing so. Now Buffy wondered if the demon she fought against was that of her own guilt.

"You're right," Buffy breathed finally, realising that she had yet to respond to Dawn. "I've known that for a while now I think. I guess it's one of the reasons I came back when I did."

"I didn't think you would," Dawn murmured quietly, her eyes trained on the distance in a telling fashion. "Come back, I mean."

"I know," Buffy replied, blushing as a fresh wave of guilt washed over her. "I'm sorry."

"Just…" Dawn trailed off, clearly struggling to find adequate words, "just talk to him."

"Sounds so simple in theory," Buffy chuckled, her eyes widening as she mentally recounted the hundred or so conversations that she had attempted with Angel over the weeks. Most ended in a silence that was so cold and heavy she needed a sweater to endure it.

"It's easier than you think," Dawn replied, her smile knowing and slightly amused. Buffy realised with surprise that they had arrived at their own front door now and Dawn was fishing in her pocket for her keys. As she located the key and raised it to the lock, Buffy rested a gently restraining hand on Dawn's forearm. Dawn paused and glanced at Buffy, chewing on her bottom lip as she clearly worried over the nature of their impending exchange.

"I just wanted to say thanks for today," said Buffy, her own smile growing as Dawn flushed in pleasure,

"Me too. I mean, I had a blast," Dawn enthused, gesturing to her solitary bag as she added, "and now I can finally quit holding my pants together with a hair band."

Buffy chuckled and squeezed Dawn's arm in a gently affectionate gesture, "I had a great time too, and you helped me gain a little lost perspective."

Dawn's mouth dropped open in questioning wonder but, before she could begin to speak again, Buffy leaned forward and planted a tender kiss on her sister's forehead. Dawn, beaming more brightly now, pushed open the front door and ducked inside with all manner of questions forgotten.

It was only then that Buffy allowed the smile to ebb from her lips and with a wistful sigh she reached up in order to caress the familiar old silver cross that dangled from her neck; she truly knew now what she had to do.