A. N. - The text written in bold is a previously unseen flashback sequence that took place during Chapter 26.
The Confession - XLIII
'Oh the world its spinning now
Its trying to catch me up
Tell me to appreciate here and now.
I'm sorry but I meant to say
Many things along the way,
This one's for you…'
Ache by James Carrington
Buffy watched him from the doorway for a while, marvelling in silence at the ripples threading across his biceps as, with a grunt, Angel dipped his body almost to the floor. Buffy was envious of the lack of effort required for him to then straighten his arms and thus end the sequence of a hundred press-ups that he undertook religiously upon waking. Now that he was once again human, Angel appeared dedicated to taking care of his body and physique. He spent time most evenings at the gym and had recently begun sparring with Buffy again at weekends, much to a rather battered Giles' relief. In reality, Angel quite enjoyed the physical exertion that also served to keep his mind from wandering into the treacherous territory that had become contemplating his relationship.
The extra exercise also helped to burn off the surplus calories that Angel found himself helpless to resist consuming now that he was once more possessing of human taste-buds. His particular weakness was for anything containing copious amounts of both sugar and chocolate, which generally could not be described as a healthy combination. Buffy was a rather willing accomplice to his overindulgence; powerless herself to resist the cocoa bean and any food source it leant itself to. Whipped cream was also high on Angel's list of favourites, and he had been caught several times in the process of emptying a can into his mouth in order to enjoy the creamy melting sensation on his tongue.
As Angel leapt lightly to the balls of his feet and began his routine stretches, Buffy stepped into their bedroom clearing her throat. The room was still in darkness, the heavy drapes shut against the midday sunlight, but Buffy could see the beads of perspiration glistening as they trickled down Angel's bare chest toward his naval. He wore only a pair of sweatpants that clung to his lower body in all the right places, making Buffy uncomfortable and yet helplessly aroused at the same time. Licking her lips a little, Buffy turned her head away from Angel, who was now watching her expectantly.
"Hey," said Buffy, offering Angel a half smile that he returned instantly.
"Hey," Angel countered, wincing as he sensed yet another clipped conversation ensuing. "I was just about to shower and then grab some lunch before my shift if you…"
"Actually," Buffy interjected, taking a few rapid steps toward Angel, who appeared startled by her sudden proximity, "I was hoping we could talk."
Angel nodded and Buffy reached out to clasp his hand in her own. He was both stunned and delighted by the sensation of her skin against his own. Still transfixed by their entwined hands, Angel allowed himself to be led to the edge of the bed, where Buffy quickly settled.
"Is there something on your mind?" Angel inquired, his brow furrowing as he watched Buffy closely for any indication of what was about to come. He felt his heart rate accelerate as he contemplated the possibility that Buffy was leaving again. It was true that she had barely resumed her life in Sunnydale, and yet Angel could tell already that she was desperately unhappy; undeniably distant from those around her and wearing an expression that betrayed worry even as she slept. Angel had tried to do his part to ease Buffy's return, mostly by allowing her the space that he thought she craved, and yet no matter what he did Angel felt that he could not truly make amends.
"Actually there is," Buffy said in a rush, gripping the edge of the mattress with her free hand to steady herself. "I need to tell you some things and you probably won't understand them all because, to be honest, I don't think I even understand them myself."
"Buffy, slow down," Angel coaxed, cupping Buffy's chin and tilting her head towards him. He swallowed hard as he noted the unshed tears glistening in her eyes, however he remained as quiet and still as his trembling body would allow for. He swallowed his fear and granted Buffy his full attention. She seemed to stiffen under the weight of his gaze, and so Angel settled for instead staring at a spot on the wall somewhere above her head.
"Where do you want to start?" Angel pressed, stroking his thumb across Buffy's hand as he waited. She shuddered a little in delight at his touch but Angel attempted to keep his expression as impassive as possible, realising that whatever Buffy wished to say was clearly demanding effort on her part.
"Let's start with me… leaving…" Buffy managed to choke out, wincing as Angel suddenly whipped his gaze around to meet her own. "I need to tell you some stuff about where I went and what I found there."
"Ok," said Angel. He forced his shoulders to relax and ran his free hand through his bed tousled hair. He had known that this conversation would prove inevitable, but he had anticipated it with a heavy feeling of dread in the pit of his stomach. Angel could not help but wonder what exactly had engaged Buffy for so long in her almost three month absence, and he was unsure as to whether he truly wished to know.
"Where did you go?"
"Here, there… pretty much everywhere," Buffy quipped in an attempt to force a smile across her own lips. "I spent a little time in Florida, alas not visiting Mickey. Then I went onto Cleveland, then Portland… last stop Seattle."
Angel arched an eyebrow and let out a slow whistle, "Clocked up some miles, then."
"Really did," Buffy replied, grimacing at the memory of nights spent in one cheap motel after another fuelled by a diet of vending machine candies and little else.
"So were you looking for anything in particular?" Angel asked, the curiosity shining in his eyes evident. He leaned a little closer to Buffy and noted with relief that she did not draw back as was almost customary these days. Instead, she scooted across the bed in order to close the distance between their bodies.
"I was actually," Buffy said, her expression sobering. "An old Council source give me the names of some retired Watchers who may have been able to help with Dawn and the baby."
"Buffy, are you sure that was wise?" Angel began with trepidation. "The Council weren't exactly known for their trustworthiness. What if…?"
"Relax," Buffy interrupted, somewhat irritable, "I would never have followed those leads if I wasn't one hundred percent sure that Dawn would be safe."
"Of course, I'm sorry," Angel stammered, rubbing the nape of his neck with his palm, "the Council just kind of make me twitchy."
"Understood," Buffy answered with a more tolerant smile, "but these guys literally had one patent leather foot in the grave. Threat potential of zero."
"Did they have anything useful to say?" Angel pressed, his interest peaked. Buffy shrugged and frowned.
"To be honest, I had no clue then and I still don't have much of one now," she said, amusement causing the corners of her lips to twitch upwards in threat of a smile, "what with the overpowering stench of denture cleaner and being forced to watch re-runs of Dark Shadows, I think I may have repressed a lot."
"But some stuff at least was useful?" Angel demanded, his eyes sweeping Buffy's face.
"They couldn't tell me much beyond what we already knew," Buffy replied, suddenly all business again, "mostly that vampire babies are the stuff of hokey legend; there's nothing in any of the remaining Watcher's journals dating as far back as the twelfth century, blah blah biddy blah."
Angel nodded and his expression gave way to disappointment. Buffy hesitated, unsure as to how best to continue with her revelations.
"So I decided to pay a visit to the one person I knew would definitely shed some light on the situation," she said, her head cocked to one side as she watched Angel for signs of understanding. Slowly, his eyes widened and then a beat later his head bowed.
"Connor."
The reply was almost a grunt and definitely carried undertones of accusation. Buffy understood Angel's trepidation at the thought of his fiancée and son meeting for the first time, especially given both of their apparently violent tendencies.
"Yeah," said Buffy, her hand still desperately clutching Angel's. He allowed their bodies to remain connected and Buffy let out a sigh of relief.
"How… I mean… what… did you…" Angel faltered, his brow creasing in confusion as endless questions manifested in his mind before his mouth could hope to catch up. Buffy patted his hand gently and smiled, hoping the gesture would offer some reassurance.
"He's doing great. He's at college, has a lot of friends, and a part time job… and he even engages in a little demon slaying every now and then."
Angel glared at Buffy, his nostrils flaring at that new piece of information. Although slightly shocked by the fierce expression that momentarily crossed Angel's face, Buffy chuckled.
"He didn't think you'd be too happy about that one," she said, her eyes narrowing as she continued to stare at Angel.
"You talked to him?" Angel demanded, his mouth falling open. Buffy simply nodded.
"And…?" Angel pressed, now keen to hear Buffy's verdict on the son he had fought so hard to provide the best for. He was surprised to find that his stomach was churning, which was one human characteristic that he had not missed during his vampire days.
"You should be really proud," Buffy finished, her voice cracking a little. "He's a great kid. He's smart, funny, brave, strong, kind- he's just like his father."
Buffy and Angel stared at each other in silence for a moment and then, simultaneously moving towards each other, melted into an embrace. Buffy pressed her cheek against Angel's chest, barely caring that he was drenched in sweat and badly in need of a shower. She inhaled his scent deeply nonetheless and a tearful grin broke out across her face. Angel held onto Buffy's body tightly, preventing her from drawing away even if she so desired. Locked together, the couple sat for minutes simply revelling in the glorious touch of the other. After a while, Angel finally spoke, mumbling into the crown of Buffy's head.
"But what about the prophecy?" he asked, reluctantly pulling back but maintaining his gentle hold on the tops of Buffy's arms. She shook her head, her features clouded by confusion.
"I don't know," she replied chewing on her bottom lip, "but it's clear that Connor isn't a threat and I don't see why Dawn's baby should be any different."
"It does have Spike as a father," Angel joked darkly, one eyebrow arched. Buffy giggled and swiped at his arm. The blow she landed to his arm stung a little but Angel beamed back at his fiancée, thankful for the sudden breakthrough that had taken him completely by surprise.
"I guess we'll just have to wait and see, but I doubt that Dawn or any of us are in danger from the baby. After all, Connor's almost completely human, right? And both of his parents were… well, you know. Maybe the prophecy is wrong or maybe it's something we'll just have to deal with a little later down the line."
As she finished speaking, Buffy traced her fingertip down the centre of Angel's chest, evoking a deep shudder from his body. The two exchanged a hungry look and, without a moments pause, Angel reached out toward Buffy. However, at the last second the Slayer danced just ever so slightly out of reach, focused for the moment on the task at hand despite the distraction of the pleasant tingling sensation that had begun to sweep upwards from her toes.
"Wait, Angel," she pleaded, resting her splayed palm on Angel's stomach to halt his advances, "there's more."
Angel sat back on his heels, clearly frustrated but willing to attempt patience nevertheless. They had failed to be close in that particular way since Buffy's return and any hint of the physical now becoming reality again was very welcome indeed to Angel's mind.
"There's something I've been keeping from you," Buffy whispered, her eyes suddenly clouding with shame and her chin dropping to her chest. "From all of you."
Concerned now by the dramatic shift in Buffy's mood and demeanour, Angel scooted closer and wrapped his arms around her. All traces of his prior intention had suddenly and abruptly dissipated, and instead Angel simply held Buffy into his own body until she had managed to stifle the quiet sobs that had begun.
"Buffy, whatever it is… I forgive you," Angel promised, his tone ringing with certainty. Buffy shuddered and extracted herself from his arms, all the while vehemently shaking her head.
"You can't say that," she seethed, "you can't know that until I tell you what it is."
"Then tell me," Angel urged, fighting against Buffy's resistance in order to raise her hand to his lips. He brushed her palm with a tender kiss before folding it in his lap between both of his own hands.
"It's… that day in L. A.," Buffy began, sniffing and swiping at the tears staining her cheeks, "when you were carried off through the gateway by that huge dog-thing… I tried to follow you… I needed to save you."
Angel nodded, remaining respectfully quiet to allow Buffy to continue her story.
"Oh Angel… I did something terrible…" Buffy hissed, clinging desperately now onto Angel's shoulders. Her face had paled significantly and Angel could feel her heart drumming at what should have been an impossible rate as she pressed herself against him, seeking the comfort that only he had ever been able to provide her with.
"Buffy, you're scaring me," Angel whispered, stroking her back soothingly, "please just tell me what it is. We'll get through it together… I promise."
"Someone's going to die, Angel," Buffy choked out, her haunted eyes seeming to bore into the depths of Angel's soul, "and it's going to be all my fault…"
x-x-x
"Tick tock, Slayer…" Lucy hissed.
"I can't do this," Buffy cried, unable to tear her gaze away from the belly of the hourglass as the grains of sand amounted there.
"Then don't," Lucy responded with a simple shrug of her bony shoulders. "I am more than happy to take Angel's soul as per our agreement. I merely thought I was doing you a kindness by offering you an… alternative arrangement."
"How can you expect me to trade one of my friends for the man I love?" demanded Buffy, her tone adopting a helplessness that she despised. Lucy only grinned.
"It does seem rather a lot of me to ask," the demon said, examining her nails in the most nonchalant of manners. Buffy gritted her teeth against her building fury, knowing that she was powerless to inflict any pain on the creature before her even if she should manage to escape the invisible bonds holding her fast to the bench.
"I've made my choice," Buffy snarled, whipping her head around in order to conceal her tears from the child. "I won't do it. Angel wouldn't want me to."
"That I do not doubt," Lucy countered, pausing to stoop and collect a rock that had been buffeted by the breeze to come to rest by the toe of her shoe. She gripped the small stone in the fingers of her left hand, all the while caressing it with the pad of her thumb, and then returned her attention to Buffy. Her expression was evidently bored.
"But you may wish to wait a while before making such a hasty decision," Lucy said, her nose wrinkling as her lips contorted into a smirk. "There are other factors to be considered."
"Other factors?" Buffy echoed, her voice sounding hollow and suddenly not so assured. "What other factors?"
"Well, Angel may be nothing more than vampire-Eunuch with shockingly poor dress sense…" the demon paused a moment to reflect upon her own wit before continuing, "but everyone in this world has a purpose, Buffy… even the monsters and demons you work so hard to murder."
Buffy chose to remain silent, her jaw set in a stubborn manner that itself declared her decision upon the matter. She would not be coerced into condemning one of her friends to eternal torment, and she was certain that nothing the creature before her could say would change that.
"So delightfully obstinate, Slayer," Lucy giggled, seeming genuinely delighted by something as she bounced on her toes for a few moments. Buffy blinked and before her eyelids had even fully reopened, Lucy was standing before her.
"Would you like me to show you, Buffy?" she inquired, her tone low and almost seductive now as she leaned closer to Buffy. The Slayer grunted, infuriated by the demon's body so close to her own, and strained uselessly against the magical ties that bound her.
Lucy turned her back on the Slayer and marched forward a few paces. When she paused, she threw her head back to the darkened sky and whipped around the hand that still contained the seemingly useless stone. The object hurtled towards the clouds as if fired from a canon and Buffy stiffened in her seat instantly, her nerve endings alight with apprehension. As the stone finally reached its destination, the sky appeared to fracture and an horrific rumbling sound drew Buffy's head somewhere towards her far right. Seeing no new threat upon the horizon, Buffy's gaze trailed back to Lucy, who had frozen to the spot as she watched the sky above them beginning to fall away in literal shards. Buffy screwed her eyes closed as a flash of what she presumed to be lightning near blinded her. Tiny white spots danced in front of her eyes for a few moments, obscuring her vision, and yet not preventing her from realising that the scene around them had now shifted.
Buffy gazed down at the ground in shock as she realised that the bench beneath her had vanished and she was inexplicably standing on her own two feet mere yards from Lucy. The landscape surrounding the pair was somehow familiar to Buffy, although she was almost certain that she had never before walked such desolate streets in her life. For a moment, she wondered if Lucy had returned them to L.A., but the startling lack of life-forms either human or otherwise alerted her that this was not the case. The street, obviously belonging to some town or other, was still, and although nothing seemed amiss from appearances it was clear to Buffy that something unnatural had occurred there. Every window and door remained intact and each shop front open in preparation for customers that were for some reason absent. Bicycles stood propped up against the walls of buildings and at the end of the wide street an ice cream van continued to play a series of jingles from its speakers.
"Where are we?" Buffy demanded, rotating her body in a full circle as she searched for some kind of life form. Not even a solitary bird was visible, despite the deceptive beauty of the crystalline sky overhead and the warmth of the midday sun.
"Erinbrook, California," Lucy answered, her small hand gripping the neck of a lamppost which she then began to swing around in a disturbingly childlike fashion.
"When are we?" Buffy asked, pointedly emphasising the first word in her sentence and succeeding in evoking an impish grin from Lucy.
"November 5th… 2015..." said Lucy, her eyes trained on Buffy's face but belaying nothing. The Slayer stiffened and turned to meet the demon's gaze, her fingers curling into fists at her side.
"What happens here?" she pressed, closing the distance between their bodies in less than three strides. Lucy peered up at the Slayer from wide eyes that did nothing to enhance her appearance of innocence.
"Why… the end, Buffy."
"The end of what?" the Slayer demanded, seizing the child by the shoulders as her instinct overpowered her reason. Finding no restraints to hold her back, Buffy shook the girl cruelly, her fingertips digging into the flesh of her arms. Lucy's responding laughter was almost hysterical and Buffy immediately relinquished her hold on the demon. Her entire body trembled as she once more surveyed the uninhabited street around her that rightly should have thrummed with life at this hour.
"The world," Lucy replied coldly, her eyes narrowing to barely visible slits and her tone bubbling with an undercurrent of hostility. "What began with a bang shall end with a whimper… or words to that effect."
"But why?" Buffy murmured, sinking to her knees on the ground as a sudden numbness overtook her. Lucy peered rather quizzically at the Slayer, who ran both hands through to the ends of her hair as she attempted to make sense of the absence of life around her.
"Everything looks so… normal…" Buffy mumbled, her head still turning to observe the street as though by some miracle her sheer will might make someone appear. "Where did all the people go?"
"Dead," Lucy answered without missing a beat. At Buffy's hostile glare the child simply chuckled and clapped her hands in amusement.
"Because of Angel?" Buffy concluded, realisation suddenly taking hold of her where it had failed before. Lucy nodded, unwilling for the moment to elaborate.
"All this- the end of the world- because Angel wasn't here to help stop it?" Buffy stated more than asked.
"Clever girl," Lucy crooned, her grin now quite wicked as her cheeks shone rosy with glee. "This is the world- or the future, at least- where Angel does not exist."
"I don't understand," Buffy faltered, placing both palms on the ground in order to test the reality of it. Her fingertips met solid tarmac and Buffy instantly recoiled.
"And you won't for some time," Lucy replied, growing bored now that Buffy's anger had yielded to defeat, "but one thing I can guarantee, Slayer; this is what will become of the world should you choose to ignore my very generous offer."
"I don't believe you," Buffy spat, rounding on the child with blazing eyes. An evident thrill coursed through Lucy's body as Buffy's rage was reignited. The demon's eyes flashed and Buffy realised at that moment that the creature was feeding from her own negativity. Buffy forced her heart to beat at a more steady and relaxed rhythm, and affixed Lucy with her most impassive of stares.
"Why would you give me the chance to save Angel and prevent the end of the world?" Buffy asked levelly, "you're evil. Surely you want to see the world end."
Lucy shrugged and kicked at the ground with the toe of her shoe, scuffing a layer of black polish in the process.
"True, suffering does please me greatly," Lucy retorted, "but even the misery of the entire world fails to fill me with the joy that would come with watching the most feared and reviled Slayer in history crumble."
"So… you're letting me save the world?" Buffy repeated, her tone uncertain and her furrowed brow betraying as much. Lucy sighed a little wistfully.
"There will be other apocalypses, I am sure… but this one…" Lucy executed an elegant pirouette, her grey skirt twirling as she did so, "this is one that Angel is key to preventing."
"How do I know this isn't some trick?" Buffy demanded, rubbing at her temples with her index fingers, "how do I know that as soon as we stop this apocalypse there won't be another the day after or the week after or the month after? How can I trust you?"
Lucy winked at Buffy, her previously pale face now flushed with pleasure as she watched the Slayer writhe in her predicament.
"You don't. But is it a chance you can really afford to take?"
x-x-x
Angel listened to the conclusion of Buffy's revelation in stunned silence. The story had poured from her lips at surprising speed, each individual word succeeding in chilling Angel to his core. He had often found himself wondering exactly why he had been spared at the last minute by Cerberus, the one beast that all myth and legend was united in declaring merciless. After a time, Angel had given up on this particular contemplation, deciding that it must have been some action on the part of the Powers That Be that had returned him to the earth once again, and restored the Shan-Su prophecy he had feared lost. Although this explanation lacked credence in so many respects, Angel had been unwilling to question his apparent luck further.
"Angel…" Buffy's broken voice hauled Angel from his reverie and he was forced to gaze down into her tear-stained face once more. The guilt and self-revulsion he saw there all but broke his heart; his heart that now was beating because of the selfless actions of the Slayer.
"I am so sorry," she whispered, making no move to wipe the mingling of tears and mascara from her face. "You must hate me and I can't blame you… I was going to let you go to Hell…"
"Buffy-" Angel attempted to interject but was silenced by Buffy once again.
"I don't even know who it will be or when it will happen or if there's anything I can do to stop it…" Buffy continued, her chest heaving as she struggled to prevent a further bout of sobbing. "It could be any of them… Giles… Dawn… Willow… I feel so guilty, seeing them every day and knowing what I've done…"
"Buffy-" Angel said, his tone a little more authoritative. Buffy continued regardless.
"And what if she… it… was lying to me?" Buffy cried, her sorrow renewed at the thought, "what if I thought I was saving the world and all I was really doing was being selfish because I couldn't let you go and that thing knew it?"
"Buffy!" Angel finally roared, bringing her tirade to an abrupt halt. Buffy blinked in evident surprise but fell obediently silent. Angel let out a sigh and rested his forehead gently against Buffy's. Pain, confusion and the fear of rejection were etched clearly across Buffy's face, and her eyelids flickered closed in a gesture of pure defeat. Angel reached up and brushed a damp tendril of hair from Buffy's cheeks, tucking it behind her ear whilst simultaneously brushing her cheek with a single kiss.
Softly, he murmured, "Buffy- I forgive you."