Healing

He was my best friend. And now he is gone. The only thing I remembered about life before amnesia. I showed up at his memorial. Throng of photographers flashing the bulbs in my face. And I sat there stoically with Jade by my side. Jade fell apart. Pregnancy hormones and the visual of having seen the accident gave her nightmares.

"I met Andre, what seems Like a lifetime ago." I said standing next to his ashes. I looked at them. "We were so close… and he was all that I could remember. The only thing I had managed to hang on to after I lost all other memory. Andre was a special man."

"Andre and I never dated…" I said and a murmur went out through the crowd. I looked and Jade her lips drawn in a tight line. "But we loved each other as much as close friends could ever love each other. He knew all of my fears, my loves…" my voice cracked as I spoke the last few words. "He kept all of my secrets and guarded them and me with his life."

"He left behind a little boy," I stated. "A little boy that will never see his daddy again and ever even knew that he had met him. My wife, and I will raise him to make sure he knows who his father was." Yes I came out to the world at Andre's funeral, but I was tired of secrets. Now that the secret keeper was dead, there was no reason to keep it all in.

"Andre, I miss you now, and I will always miss and love you." I kissed my hand and placed it on the golden cylinder next to Andre's picture. "Good bye."

I walked toward Jade who held me and kissed me softly on the lips, and then she squeezed me tight. "Are you gonna see A.J. after this?" she whispered in my ear.

I looked at her and nodded. It was the only thing that kept me from just going home and staying in bed for the next month. "Are you coming with me?"

She shook her head, "I have to keep the girl's lives normal. I don't know if you've noticed but our home is a media circus." I don't notice much; I don't really care. "Now that you've kind of outed us, it is going to be much worse."

I left with her. I went home with her. I gave our daughter's a hug and a kiss each and left to go see A.J. I sat next to my baby's incubator. His tiny skeletal body lay helpless within. My heart beat hard as I watched his heart beat in his chest. He was so little that I could see the muscle work within.

He's long, for a premature baby at nineteen inches. The doctors said he would have been enormous had he stayed where he needed to stay. His chest heaved a stuttering breath and I reached in with a gloved hand and stroked his head. Wispy black hair swirled around his head; a lot of hair for a little preemie.

I did this every day alone. Jade never came, and I was hurt really. My phone rang one afternoon as I watched the nurses take the vent off of him. "hello?"

"Hey, can you pick the girls up from school today?" Jade said.

"Um… I'll get mom to do it." I said my face breaking into a smile as my son took his first tentative breaths unassisted.

"Why can't you do it? A. J. isn't going anywhere." She snapped at me.

"You're right." I said through gritted teeth and hung up the cell phone. I turned toward the incubator again. Three weeks old, he was finally breathing on his own. And maybe soon they will stop feeding him through a g-tube.

"Ah..." he cried out, well it sounded more like a cat's mew than a cry. It was the smallest sound. But it was the first time I'd heard his voice and I was in love. I wondered if I had ever felt like this over my girls. And I was sad because I couldn't remember how much I loved them.

When I got home that night, Jade was not home yet. "hi mom!" I said dropping on to the couch.

"Hey baby," Mom said wrapping her arms around me as she sat on my other side. "How are you feeling?"

"I'm still so sore." I answered.

"And A.J.?" She asked. She was the only one that asked about A.J. . Grandma Harris, and Andre's dad had visited A.J., but that little boy only had me now.

I smiled wistfully, "I heard him cry today."

Mom smiled. "You did?"

"He was extubated and he is breathing on his own." I said softly then heard the click of the door from the Garage.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Came Jade's voice as she walked into the room.

I looked at her. "You didn't seem interested." I stated.

She sighed, "He is our son, of course I'm interested." This was the first time she said our. She never said our. I looked at her tired form as it dropped on to the chair. "I understand what you feel for the girls." She mumbled. "Connected, yet disconnected. I get it, and I am sorry you feel that way, but you can't ignore them completely."

"I'm not trying to." I stated softly.

"Well I suppose it really can't be helped right now." Jade sighed.

A pregnant silence settled in the room. Mom shook her head and stood up. "Well I guess I will be going now."

"Hey I'll walk you to your car." I said.

"no, that's okay." She said shaking her head no at me as she looked toward Jade. "I can find my way out. You share your news with your wife properly."

I looked at Jade, and she struggled to stand up and walked out of the room to her room. All of the girls were in bed. Jade poked her head in each to say good night. I emulated the walk. "How are you feeling?" I asked her coming up behind her to rub on her back.

"I'm having contractions."' She said simply, moving away from my touch. "This baby is on her way out."

My eyes widened. "Right now? Like Today?"

"Nah…" She said, "But give her a few days." I didn't know what to do with my hands. She was pulling away from me again. So I pushed them into my pocket. She paused. "How are you feeling?'

"Uh… " I said trying to understand exactly what part was I feeling what about. "Sore. I stated. And she seemed to get it.

She didn't seem to want to talk anymore. And I really didn't want to stay in a room with her, I was angry at her. I felt abandoned by her. But for some reason I don't think it's that unusual. "I'm gonna go take a shower." I said and headed toward that room.

She just looked at me and nodded. I left her there. She sat on the bed when I came back out. She was studying her script. It was the last week for her on her show before hiatus. She looked up at me. I was wrapped in a towel because I neglected to bring clothes with me into the bathroom. I went to my drawers and picked up some Jeans and a t-shirt and began to pull them on. "Are you going back to the Hospital?" she finally said. I nodded without turning to face her. She sighed. "Okay."

"Someone has to be with him Jade." I stated angrily. "And if I don't do it, who will?"

"Tori, just what are you implying?" She asked, her face a bit tight.

"I'm sorry I had sex with Andre. I'm sorry AJ is a reminder of that. But you know what? He is my son. Mine. You are a mother, you should know what this feels like."

Now she was angry and she stood up, though not as smoothly as she would like. "I am a mother, but Tori You were a mother before AJ ever came along. That little boy does not change that."

"I don't remember loving them… I loved them because you love me and they love me, but not because I just do. Now I know the difference." I finally admitted, she looked wounded. "So since you love them, I love them. And it kills me that I don't feel this with them. Just like you don't feel this with him. Only I am willing to love our girls where you –"

"Stop. I just need time with him."

"Then spend time with him!" I said releasing a sob. "He isn't going anywhere..." I didn't want to say what I feared that he wasn't going to come home. Jade frowned and walked over to me.

"Tori, you need to believe he's going to be alright." Jade said as she wrapped her arms around me. "I will have all the time in the world to get to know our son." She whispered. " and I will love him, I know it, because he's Andre's boy."

I nodded and pulled away. I wiped my face on my sleeve and turned away from her. "I have to go." I whispered.

Jade sighed as she watched me walk away. I didn't want to waste any more time. My baby was alone in a cold incubator.