Chapter Two

Thank you for your feedback, always welcome. I know this is hard for some to read. It's hard to write in some ways but it also feels like the conversations they really needed to have.

Life at Sulgrave had swept the two women back into the reality of the everyday. They smiled if they met on the corridor or in meetings but there was no more mention of their recent conversation.

Caroline found herself writing endless lists; 'what to do'; 'pros and cons'. All of them showed without doubt that a life with Kate is what she wanted most in the world. They also confronted her. She knew that there were huge choices to be made and implementing them was going to be the greatest challenge of her life.

Kate too had a very big dilemma. Seeing Caroline in her home again had her in ever spiralling circles. One the one hand she knew that Caroline was the love of her life; of that there was no doubt. n the other, she had Issy. When they were together in her house she felt safe and secure; no ranting ex-husbands; no son staring at you like you were dirt under his feet; no potential mother-in-law who thought you were 'just out for promotion'.

One thing Issy and she had never spoken of was the pregnancy, other than whether all was going well. Kate had never brought it up. It was too big a leap, even without Caroline in the picture. She kept coming back to the fact that she had only allowed herself to think seriously of having a baby because she thought she and Caroline would be its parents. It was far too early to be contemplating raising her child with someone else.

Friday came around and just after lunch, Kate received a text. It was from Caroline.

'Can we talk? If so when? C'

Kate stared at the phone and found it difficult to decide whether or not to say yes. She wanted to that was for sure. Issy was on duty most of the weekend and so in fact she had time; did she have the nerve; was she sure she could handle things?

'I can do Saturday lunch', she typed quickly before changing her mind.

'Great. Pick you up at 12'?

'No. Meet me at The Hare and Hounds at 12.30'. She did not want Caroline at the house again just yet.

Kate poured Issy a glass of wine and opened the take-away meal they had just had delivered. Most Fridays this was their routine, if she was not on duty. Pyjamas, take away, and some good television, curled up together on the lounge. Tonight there was tension in the air. They could both feel it.

"Issy, I've tentatively arranged to have lunch with Caroline tomorrow; are you OK with that?"

"Not really, but I suppose I need to be grown up about it."

They both ate in silence for a while. Kate almost unable to swallow what was in her mouth.

"What's really going on here Katie? Should I be worried?"

"I don't know is the honest answer. When we went for coffee last week, Caroline made it clear that she had come to the house to ask me to take her back; give her another chance. She had no idea you were in the picture."

"Do you want her back?"

Here it was, the moment of truth for Kate. She was going to have to choose; imminently.

Friday nights were a non-event for Caroline these days. More often than not, Lawrence was either with his father or out with Angus. So, for her it was just the TV or a good book, and at least half a bottle of wine. She had little appetite and only cooked for the sake of her son. Curled up on the lounge her thoughts drifted to Kate and the choices she had been challenged to make.

The house; Kate said it wasn't a place of peace; she was right, often it wasn't. She recalled her insensitive comments about the house when their relationship was on a knife edge, that birthday weekend. How could Kate not believe the house was more important than her; stupid, stupid comments.

Her mind drifted to all the upset that Kate had witnessed or heard about; the screaming matches, the snide comments, the insults; of course she wouldn't want a child in that kind of environment.

She sighed. It was all too much to think of tonight. However, she soon found that sleeping was not an option either; so much turmoil.

Here it was twelve thirty and she was in the pub waiting for her Kate to arrive. 'Her Kate' it just played over and over in her head like a song on a loop. She had taken her time getting ready, wanting to look her best while not overdoing it, but had arrived much earlier than she needed to; her stomach in knots, her head buzzing.

A few moments later, the familiar green Fiat pulled into the car park and the most beautiful woman in the world, as far as she was concerned, gently eased her now swelling body out of the door. The sight of her took Caroline's breath away.

As Kate walked towards her, she wondered if she dare try to hug her. It was not to be; Kate side stepped her and sat down at the table.

"How are you Caroline?"

"Churned up, as you would expect, I suppose is the best way to describe it."

"I can understand that. I'm not overly calm myself"

They ordered a light lunch and a drink; both of them aware there would need to be some serious conversation.

"Caroline, Issy knows that there is something happening. She's a smart woman and nobody's fool. She knows I am with you today and isn't totally comfortable with it but is hoping that she will get some clarification when we next talk."

"Oh God Kate, I can only imagine how difficult this must be for you. She's obviously very fond of you."

"Fond of me," Kate almost spat back. "She loves me. She wants the option of a future with me, let's stop using understatements, please!"

Caroline recoiled. How many times had she understated her feelings for Kate; I'm very fond of you; we had something nice; God, it was pathetic. It had taken her months to say 'I love you' even when they were in the throes of the most passionate love-making.

"When I am with Issy, my world is peaceful and gentle. I feel as if I am in control of myself; I feel equal and that my needs and are as important. We look after each other. But, as I said to you the other day; she's not you.

You and I are passionate together; you bring me to life, body and soul like no-one ever has or will. I was totally in love with you; but it's like navigating an ever moving obstacle course and it's exhausting emotionally. The only time I ever felt really at peace and safe was in my house, in bed with little chance of anyone disturbing us. Even then your phone was constantly on alert."

"Kate, to be fair, I have to be available for my children and mother; I think that's a bit harsh."

"Yes, OK I understand that. But I don't understand you answering a call from John when we are lying in bed together. That's really quite sick in my opinion."

Caroline put her head in her hands and stared at the table. God it was all such a mess.

After a few moments she said, "How would you feel if I tried to buy John out of the house straight away, for good; get rid of him."

"How would you feel Caroline if I said to you that I would like you to sell the house, give John his share and then move into something completely new; our home, no memories of him, no access for him, no sense of entitlement?"

Caroline opened her mouth and then shut it again. She knew she would only come out with the same old statements, 'I can't sell it; I've put so much into it; there's my mother; there's the boys'; and she knew it would not go down well.

"Big choice, big challenge isn't it Caroline?"

Kate could see her struggling to hold back the tears. It was impossible to watch. She stretched her hand across the table and held Caroline's; who gripped it like she would never let it go.

"Remember the day in your garden when I told you that Richard and I had been forced to sell our beautiful home; I said it was heartbreaking."

"Yes I do."

Kate chose her words carefully, she didn't want to sound like she was threatening Caroline, "What would be worse darling, the heartbreak of losing bricks and mortar or losing each other?"

'Darling'; Oh God did I really say that.

"Am I still your darling, Kate?"

"I can't go there now Caroline. It came out; it must have come from somewhere so take it as you will."

"Issy has her final exams next month. I would never forgive myself if I upset her or her living arrangements before then. You can understand that can't you?"

"Yes I can understand Kate. Take the time you need to make your choice. I have no right to push you. But I have to say, I think we both know what outcome we want. I think it's the same."

Kate let go of Caroline's hand and she felt the loss immediately.

"I have a suggestion to make. Let's see where we both are in a month. You focus on looking after Issy until she has finished her exams and I will try to get my head around all the things I need to face up to."

They agreed that this was a way forward for now. They ate their lunch, trying hard to talk about other more general things. Caroline was keen to hear about the special pregnancy tests that Kate had been through and what the results were. All good; thank God for that.

An hour later they got up to leave the restaurant. Caroline walked over to Kate's car with her. They stood face to face, both knowing that all they wanted to do was drive home together,get into bed and shut the world out for the rest of the weekend. It couldn't happen; they had to be content with a light kiss on the cheek. She knew Kate would never move further until she had resolved her feelings about being with Issy; the thought of her in bed with this other woman, probably that night, made Caroline feel physically sick.

That afternoon she picked up her phone. "John, this is Caroline. I'm fine thanks. We need to talk. I want to put the house on the market soon. I don't want to buy you out as I said before. I want to move somewhere else."