Choices Chapter Six
I hope this chapter relieves some our collective angst and offers a chink of sunlight to warm us up again. Thank you again for your wonderful encouragement.
Several weeks had passed since Caroline went to see Kate. They didn't avoid each other at school but neither did they seek each other out. Caroline watched from a distance, looking for signs that her Kate wasn't coping. However she seemed to be able to hold it together and Caroline was only too aware that she had placed the ball in Kate's court about when they would next talk.
She was walking up the stairs looking at a text that had just come in from the real estate agent about a potential buyer. "Caroline," she heard her secretary's familiar voice, "Kate's driven herself to hospital, she's bleeding. I didn't know if I should tell you or not."
"What! Which hospital is she at? I know, she'll have gone to St Margaret's." Nothing Beverley shouted after that hit Caroline's ears. She dashed to the car and sped away to the hospital.
As she walked into the antenatal unit, she saw the back of Kate, hunched in a chair waiting to be called. God, she looked tiny and frail and scared when Caroline finally sat beside her; she was visibly shaking and just holding it together.
Caroline tried to reassure her that this could be nothing, but she could tell that Kate's previous history was playing out like a movie in her head.
"Have you phoned your mum?"
"No, I don't want to worry her until we know something definite."
"What about Issy?
Kate turned to Caroline and looked intently at her for some moments. "No Caroline, Issy hasn't been in touch since she arrived in London other than a text to say that she got through her exams well."
"Oh, I'm sorry, I was just thinking with her being a doctor and all"
"She's a paediatrician Caroline not an obstetrician. Anyway she was never involved with anything to do with the baby."
"Kate McKenzie?" the radiographer called.
Kate picked up her cardigan and bag and began to walk away.
"Would you like me to come in with you?" A tentative but non- the- less sincere offer from Caroline; she knew how devastated Kate would be if this was bad news and she really wanted to be there for her.
Kate nodded and Caroline walked over and sat beside her in the room. As the gel was applied to Kate's stomach, a cold and sweaty hand reached out and took hers. She was glad to feel it and she put her other hand over the top, as if to warm it up.
The tension was unbearable, the 'beep beep' of the scanner but as yet no heartbeat. Caroline was glued to the screen. 'Please, please, come on a heartbeat, please; then, the familiar 'lub-dub, lub-dub'. It was like a symphony in her ears. She looked at Kate and saw a smile of relief as the nurse told her that everything was fine. It was a healthy little girl.
"Kate, let me take you home, you've had an awful scare. I may as well cancel the rest of my meetings for today. I'd really like to stay with you for a while until I know you're OK."
"I can't ask you to do that so close to the end of term Caroline, you must have all kinds of meetings to attend to."
"I don't care. I want to be with you."
Caroline followed Kate's car as they drove home to her cottage; then followed her into the house. Her eye was immediately drawn to a photograph she had never noticed there before. It was of Kate and Issy on the beach in Barcelona. They looked happy and carefree. She looked away quickly in case Kate saw her staring at it.
"Shall I make you a cup of tea or coffee?" she offered as Kate lowered herself on to the couch.
"Yes please, I'll have a coffee. Can you remember where everything is?"
"It's imprinted."
Kate smiled as she remembered Caroline's quick wit. It was comforting to have her here as she did feel a bit wobbly after the scare.
After they had both had their drinks, Caroline asked Kate if she wanted to rest. She nodded and lay on the couch. Caroline picked up a throw to put over her. As she went to cover her, Kate gently pulled Caroline down on to the couch. "Hold me please?"
Caroline felt her heart miss a beat. She threw off her shoes and jacket and lay down beside Kate and covered them both with the throw, putting her arms around her; pulling her gently into her own body. She kissed Kate's forehead and whispered, "Just relax now, I'm here, I have you."
Kate felt like she was safe again for the first time in weeks. Soon she was asleep. Caroline was glad to see her calm and relaxed. She began to stroke Kate's hair; God it felt good; she kissed the top of her head several times. Strangely, she wasn't aroused. She had always imagined the first time they were close she would be craving her body within seconds. This was different. The love she felt was protective, gentle and felt like it came from her soul.
They must have been there for a few hours; when Caroline opened her eyes, it was dark outside. Kate was still sound asleep.
"Kate, darling, wake up." Kate roused herself and seemed surprised momentarily to see Caroline lying beside her. Then she remembered.
"Goodness how long have I been asleep?"
"Oh, a good two or three hours; I fell asleep too. It must be after six as it is dark."
"Won't they be wondering where you are at home Caroline?"
"No, I sent a text to Lawrence after you went to sleep. He's fine; he's at Angus's for the night."
"May I kiss you Kate?" There was a hesitation and then Kate slowly lifted her face to Caroline's and their lips met. It was electric. Kate closed her eyes and heard; 'Katie, make sure the missing piece is the right fit.'
She was shocked and pulled away from Caroline. "I'm sorry Caroline. I don't think I'm ready for this yet."
"It's OK; don't worry. I can wait. What just spooked you?"
"It's something Issy said to me before she left. She told me that something was missing from my life, like a jigsaw, a piece that would complete it. She said it had to fit properly.
Caroline, we both know there are things, serious things to be worked out. I can't give in to my longing for you until I feel everything is right. You are the missing piece, you know that, but we have to be right."
"I know, I agree and I am taking steps to put things right, but I don't want to burden you with my stuff today. It's about you and this gorgeous little thing in here." She gently stroked Kate's tummy.
Kate was overwhelmed by Caroline's gentleness.
"Caroline,"
"Mm,"
"Would you stay tonight? I just want to be close to you."
"Of course I will. We'll take things as slowly as you want. First my girl, you are going to eat; you have a little one in there that needs her nourishment. I'll go and cook us something light. Why don't you have a nice warm bath?"
Kate walked into the kitchen in her pyjamas and already Caroline noticed a softening of the tension in her face.
They sat quietly eating the eggs and toast that Caroline had prepared.
"I've taken a long time to get over hurting Issy, Caroline. At first I thought my heartache was losing her, it was to some extent, but I felt her pain so much. The fact that I haven't heard from her tells me she's still not peaceful about leaving me."
"Well, I barely knew her but I couldn't help but be moved by her graciousness and warmth. The day she came to my office I was bowled over by how attractive she is. I can see how you would have felt right about trusting her."
"Who's been helping you with your pain Caroline?"
"Oh, don't worry about me. I just work you know that."
Kate stretched her hand across the kitchen table and stroked Caroline's arm, "But I have worried about you. I said some devastating things to you. I was very ashamed."
"Sush, Kate, not now. Let's leave all that until we both feel stronger."
They cleared up the kitchen and decided bed was more enticing than the cramped couch. Kate led Caroline upstairs; she found her a nightie that fit and after a hot shower, Caroline climbed into bed beside her. Kate had lit a couple of fragrant candles and put on one of their favourite music tracks; it was all so soothing.
They lay facing each other with their hands entwined.
"We can do this Caroline, we can make it work, can't we?"
"Yes, I believe we can; I have to believe; I 'm so much in love with you and I promise you I will do whatever it takes. I can't lose you, not again."
Kate pulled Caroline into her arms and soon they were both asleep; a contented sleep neither of them had experienced for a very long time.
Caroline stood in her kitchen. She felt a strength and resolve she didn't even know she possessed. This afternoon was it; the moment she would stand tall and tell all her detractors exactly who she was and what she wanted. She had literally summoned everyone, to the house. Alan and Celia were coming from the farm; after Celia's tantrum they had gone there, but there had been no packing of boxes or moving out.
John had ranted and raved about his number being blocked. She had simply told him he could rant all he liked; he could always leave a message on the house phone if he needed to talk to her.
Even William had been asked to come home for the weekend. Caroline needed at least one ally.
By three o'clock they were all in the lounge with a cuppa; except John, who had the inevitable whiskey in his hand.
"Thanks for being here all of you; I wanted to say some things and I want everyone to hear it so that we are all on the same page, my page.
First of all can I just say at the outset that I am not out to hurt anyone. I'm just not going to let me or Kate be hurt either."
"Oh no not a lecture about 'lesbinos' again" Lawrence said disdainfully.
"Shut up! How dare you speak to me like that. What happened to the caring son who fell into my arms and cried, telling me he didn't want anyone to be mean to me. You've been nothing but mean, to me and Kate."
Lawrence was shocked. He knew immediately that he had better be quiet; he was also embarrassed by the revelation about his tears; he looked at the carpet.
"Kate and I broke up some months ago. She left me because I was too cowardly to be out and proud with her. Oh yes, I wanted her here as my partner and lover but when it came to acknowledging that publically, I couldn't; too much personal and family baggage.
Since then, she has become pregnant , and met an amazing woman, and let me tell you, she is anyone's dream partner. However, Kate has made the choice that it's me she loves and wants to be with. This choice has cost her a lot; she has taken an enormous risk to trust me again. I will not let her down.
I love her more than I can tell you. I want, no I am, going to spend the rest of my life with her and we are going to have a baby together. I deserve to be happy; to be able to be myself. Our baby needs a peaceful and loving home, Lawrence and William need to be able to come home to happiness not tension and dysfunction."
"Mum, you do deserve that. We can all make sacrifices to help you." William stroked his mother's arm. How relieved she was that he was there, her one constant consolation.
"Now look Caroline," that familiar grating half drunken voice; "you can't just disrupt all our lives because you have some fancy idealistic dream; it's totally selfish."
"You, my dear ex-husband have nothing, I repeat nothing to say about disrupting lives. If you are half the intellect you claim, you would know that."
"Mum and Alan, I love you both and I want you close and part of our family, but Kate comes first, now and always. You have each other, you're happy and content. I can only ask you to want that for me, for us."
"Caroline, I only want what's best for you, you know that."
"Kate is what's best for me; end of story, so if you mean what you say, you will embrace her."
"So everyone, there is a potential buyer for the house who is willing to pay the asking price. Our solicitors will see to the arrangements. John If you are unhappy about any aspect of it you can go through them. While we are waiting for the sale to go through, I will be looking for a new home for us. I suggest you do the same. Your son's need to know they have a decent place in which to spend time with you."
"But Caroline, I'm with Judith and you know she's pregnant."
"That is not my concern John, your relationship, your baby, your job to get it all sorted. In case you've forgotten, I have a partner who is pregnant too and she is my first priority, along with our sons."
He sat for the longest time with his head in his hands. He wasn't used to this; Caroline was the one who sorted everything out. It wasn't his strength.
"Mum and Alan, I will help you as much as I can. If you want to still live close by we can try to find something suitable. However, it won't be under the same roof."
"That's alright love, we've been looking at places that are half way between here and the farm; less travelling for us." Alan, the wonderful peacemaker, "We can be on hand for both you and Gillian then." Celia looked first at Alan and then her daughter. Caroline was almost sure she spotted a chink in the armour.
"In the meantime, we can all start preparing for a move. I will need some time each week to be with Kate. Lawrence, you and William are welcome to have a say in where we move to and the house we buy. Kate will also have a say in it. I don't want her to move until after the baby is born unless she wants to; she and I can discuss that later."
There was no more conversation. Caroline felt totally drained. All she wanted to do was phone her Kate and hear her soothing voice. They had agreed that they could talk and see each other as they wanted now. But their relationship, their love, was still on a slow steady path to healing and trust.