Chapter XXVIII

After her initial visit to the orphanage, Gabrielle began to go back daily, helping to clean and ready the building for the children who would (hopefully) soon fill its rooms. April slowly turned into May, and Gabrielle found that her growing stomach didn't bother her in the slightest; in fact, she found she rather enjoyed being pregnant. She felt healthy and filled with a somewhat over-zealous energy. Sometimes she wondered if she was trying to make up for Enjolras' lack of enthusiasm.

He was still very quiet, and no matter how much she prodded, poked, and tried to get him to talk, he only would when he felt like it. Gabrielle accepted that, for the most part, and let him deal with things on his own. If he wanted to open up to her, she knew he would. She wondered, though, how the rapidly approaching first anniversary of the barricade would effect him. He hadn't mentioned it yet, though it was now halfway through May, and Gabrielle found herself thinking of the events of last year quite often. Her mind constantly wandered back to where she had been at this time last year, how she had reveled in hearing Enjolras speak and rally the crowds that came to hear him, how she had snuck away so often from her job to meet with her brother and his friends, and how she had been so sure that Enjolras was going to change the world. She remembered thinking of him as a new Alexander, someone who could conquer entire nations and climb the highest mountains if he wanted to.

And in a way, he had changed the world, at least for her. Her life would be the same because of him. But more so, the world had changed Enjolras. Gabrielle wondered if that was what he was fighting so adamantly against all along – her husband wasn't good at accepting things as they were; he felt the need to fight against them, to shape and mold them into exactly what he wanted them to be. Acceptance without resistance wasn't his strong suit.

Her own fears about having a baby had mostly been erased by her wonderful friends; Gabrielle felt certain that no matter what happened, they would take care of her and her child. Cosette, Musichetta, Genevieve, and Marie all came quite often to help at the orphanage, as well; Cosette either left the baby at home with his nurse to have a bit of time to herself or sometimes brought him with her, working with him cradled against her chest in a cocoon-like sling.

They laughed and talked as they worked: scrubbing floors, painting walls, making beds, folding clothes they had bought themselves or been donated, and trying to make the large and overwhelming mansion seem as friendly to children as possible.

"When do you expect the orphanage to open, Gabrielle?" Cosette asked one day. She, Musichetta, and Gabrielle were attempting to organize the kitchen, though Gabrielle was walking back and forth with a fussy Jean in her arms. Cosette insisted she practice.

"Antoine thinks we could be ready in a month. It's so hard to know how many children we'll have." Jean let out a particularly piercing wail and Gabrielle winced, gently bouncing him on her shoulder.

Cosette seemed unfazed by her son's cries. "Have you hired enough people, do you think? You know I can always come and help, though I might have to bring Jean along."

"What's one more child?" Musichetta laughed. "I'm sure Gabrielle's baby will be here quite often, too."

Jean began to cry louder and Gabrielle sighed, looking to Cosette for help. "Cosette, how do you get him to stop? I don't know what to do."

Cosette smiled and admitted, "Neither do I, Gabrielle. Sometimes he just cries. I just fed and changed him...just keep trying. He always quiets eventually."

"Maybe his stomach is upset," Musichetta offered. "It used to help Sophie when I held her like this..." Musichetta rearranged Jean in Gabrielle's arms and told her to keep walking, and after about five minutes, Jean had stopped crying and fallen asleep.

Cosette grinned. "I may need to borrow you, Musichetta. Sometimes he cries all night and I don't know what to do."

"That won't last forever," Musichetta said reassuringly.

Gabrielle could tell that Cosette was curious about Musichetta and how she seemed to know so much about taking care of a baby, but was too polite to ask too many questions. They didn't know each other that well.

"Cosette, isn't it strange?" Gabrielle mused. "At this time last year, you had just met Marius. Now you already have a child."

"Believe me, I never thought things could change so quickly!" Cosette laughed. "It's quite different for you, too, of course."

"True," Gabrielle mused.

"Have you felt the baby move yet?" Musichetta asked curiously.

"Yes," Gabrielle said. "At first it was just like you described to me, Cosette – like little wings fluttering. But now I can feel real kicks, especially at night when I'm trying to sleep. It feels so strange."

"But wonderful, isn't it?" Cosette sighed. "That's when it became real to me. And for Marius. Has Enjolras felt it yet?"

"No. I haven't even told him. He's still...well." Gabrielle shrugged. "He'll come around." Gabrielle was about to say more when she heard Enjolras' distinct footsteps in the hall. He stopped in the doorway and said hello to Musichetta and Cosette, and nodded at Gabrielle.

"Are you almost ready to go, love?" he asked. "I thought I would take you home."

"In a little while," Gabrielle replied, walking to his side. She swiftly, but carefully deposited Jean into Enjolras' arms before he even knew what was happening and said happily, "Here, hold the baby for a while. It's time you practiced."

Enjolras froze and glanced down at the sleeping baby, awkwardly holding him out for Gabrielle to take back, protestations on the tip of his tongue. Gabrielle shook her head and gently pushed Jean closer to Enjolras' chest before he could say anything.

"Hold his head like this and then put your hand here." She helped Enjolras hold Jean against his shoulder, and rubbed the baby's back. "See? It isn't so bad. He's even still asleep."

Enjolras barely moved, looking stiff and uncomfortable. "What do I do?"

Musichetta laughed at him, but Cosette said kindly, "Nothing, really. He likes it when you walk a bit, and rub his back. It's not so hard, Enjolras, you look like a natural."

Gabrielle smirked at Cosette's lie, but had to admit that it gave her a peculiar, warm feeling in her stomach to watch Enjolras awkwardly try and do what Cosette said. At least he was trying. He had been better lately, giving her more freedom and not breathing down her neck. He never said anything about her working, either, though he always made sure to be at the orphanage when she was to make sure she was never alone. Truthfully, she didn't mind that; it seemed like a good compromise.

Maybe he was really starting to accept things, she thought. Maybe he really wanted to try and be a good father.

Gabrielle busied herself helping Musichetta and Cosette again, glancing surreptitiously up at Enjolras every once in a while. She didn't want to stare at him and make him even more uncomfortable, but she couldn't help watching him, either, images of him with their own child filling her head.

"He's so small," Enjolras finally said, a bit of wonder in his voice.

"And he's already grown quite a lot," Cosette said. "He's already eight weeks old! Time is flying by, really. Your baby will be here before you know it. Aren't you about halfway there, Gabrielle?"

"Yes, about," Gabrielle said softly, and her eyes met Enjolras' as Jean began to fuss against his shoulder. Enjolras didn't panic, and carefully lowered the baby, cradling him in his arms. Jean did look small against Enjolras' chest and Gabrielle bit her lip, feeling encouraged for the first time in weeks. Enjolras held Jean with one arm and let the baby latch onto a finger on his other hand, which Jean promptly stuck into his mouth. Gabrielle crossed the room and stood on tiptoe to lightly kiss her husband's cheek. "You look good with him. He's not so frightening, is he? He's quite sweet, see how he's looking at you?"

"Yes," Enjolras admitted, but look relieved to hand Jean back to Gabrielle, who then gave the baby to Cosette.

"You both should go home, too. Thank you for all of your help." Gabrielle hugged Musichetta and Cosette goodbye, and took Enjolras' arm as they left, her mind a jumble of images of Enjolras as a father, all three of them as a family: she could see them tucking their child in to sleep at night, playing in the garden, having a picnic in the park. She hadn't let herself picture any of that yet, but now she couldn't stop. She hoped that was what it would be, rather than a distant Enjolras consumed with work while she cared for the baby on her own.

Enjolras helped her climb into their waiting fiacre, which Gabrielle had to admit was getting harder the larger she got. Enjolras wrapped his arm around her shoulders once they were both settled. The fiacre jolted into motion and Gabrielle rested her hand on Enjolras' leg, tracing circles on his knee. Seeing him hold Jean had left her wanting him badly, even though he hadn't seemed very interested in being with her lately, which stung.

After a minute, Enjolras spoke. "Almost halfway there, hm?" He sounded strangely composed, and gave her a sideways glance.

"Yes. You've seemed a bit more calm lately. Are you feeling better about everything?"

"I'm trying. I've accepted it, although sometimes it still doesn't seem real."

"It's real to me. Just look at me," Gabrielle sighed. "Just when I think I can't possibly get any bigger, I do. I'm not exactly attractive right now..."

Enjolras smiled and turned his head to gently nuzzle her neck, completely surprising Gabrielle. "You're perfect," he said sincerely. "In fact, I've never found you more beautiful."

Gabrielle closed her eyes as his lips sucked gently at her neck, shooting desire straight through her. "Liar," she sighed, and huffed when Enjolras pulled away to look at her, affronted.

"I don't lie to you," he said simply. "You know that. If I didn't find you beautiful, would you still be able to do this to me?" He took her hand and placed it on his groin. Gabrielle felt Enjolras' hardening erection through his pants and grinned.

"I suppose not." She squeezed and began to rub his arousal, earning a satisfied groan from Enjolras. "Although your lack of attention in that area lately has made me wonder. I do hope you don't have any plans for this evening, Monsieur."

"Only ones that involve you," he mumbled.

"Me?" she asked innocently. "What are you planning to do with me?"

Enjolras grinned and leaned forward, pressing his lips against her ear. He began to whisper his plans, alternating between light kisses against her jaw. His breath tickled her ear and she shivered, biting her lip in anticipation. Enjolras' hands wandered to her breasts, and Gabrielle blushed profusely at the things he said.

"Oh," Gabrielle finally whispered, pleasurably scandalized, and Enjolras laughed wickedly before pressing his lips against hers. He kissed her hard and possessively, putting his hands on either side of her neck. When they arrived home, he lifted her down from the fiacre and led her inside. Gabrielle tingled in anticipation from the top of her head to the tips of her toes.

Enjolras closed the front door behind them and immediately wrapped his arms around her from behind. She pressed against him, grinding her hips against his arousal, and Enjolras grunted, trying to be gentle as he began removing her dress. His hands fumbled as he tried to unbutton his own waistcoat and Gabrielle turned around to help him.

"It's been a while since we've done this," Gabrielle said quietly, and Enjolras nodded.

"I was nervous," he said. "I'm still worried about hurting you."

"Well, we just need to be a little creative. But we can still enjoy each other." Gabrielle grinned as Enjolras finally pulled his shirt off. She ran her hands up his chest and he leaned down to kiss her again as she wrapped her arms around his neck. Their kiss continued as they stumbled into the library, and she moaned as his tongue explored her mouth.

Gabrielle felt her back hit the edge of the desk and Enjolras quickly wrapped his arms around her to steady her. She leaned back as Enjolras kissed his way down her body, lingering on her full breasts. As he licked and bit at her nipples, he reached down and gently inserted two fingers inside of her, massaging her folds and slowly rubbing her sensitive clit. Gabrielle squeezed her eyes shut and threw her head back, gasping his name. She craved him, but was glad Enjolras' fingers were almost as talented as his mouth. Her climax built intensely as he continued to slowly thrust his fingers inside of her and she begged him to continue, writhing against him. His other hand firmly held her upright against the desk.

Gabrielle ran her hands down his body, grasped his manhood and squeezed, pulling and stroking at him as he was doing to her. Enjolras hissed, his own movements stalling as she touched him, and he slid his fingers out of her. Enjolras leaned down and kissed her deeply, then gently took her shoulders and turned her around. She braced herself against the desk, pressing her bottom against his erection.

Enjolras growled low in his throat and leaned over, kissing her back and grabbing her hips. He slowly thrust into her from behind, and reached around to tease her hardened nipples with one hand. "Gabrielle," he moaned into her ear and bit at her shoulder, and she pressed harder against him, bracing against the desk as his thrusts grew deeper.

She reached around and put one hand on the back of his neck, tangling her fingers in his curls. "Why haven't we been doing this lately?" she mumbled, and felt him smile against her skin as he continued to slowly move in and out of her. He held her hips firmly and her breath sped up as she neared her climax.

"Faster, Antoine," she urged, and he complied, pushing rapidly into her. She spasmed around him as he reached his own orgasm and spilled into her, and Gabrielle sighed in satisfaction after her release. She turned her head and their lips met in a slow and sensual kiss. Enjolras had indeed made her feel beautiful.

Even though it was May, the night was still a bit chilly, and Enjolras built up a small fire in the library. They settled down together on the thick rug, piled on top of blankets and pillows Gabrielle dragged in. Gabrielle snuggled into his arms, pulling her dressing gown closed around her and resting comfortably against him. She kissed Enjolras' bare chest and traced one of the scars from his bullet wounds, bringing her mind back to the barricade. His grip tightened on her hip and she knew it made him think of the same thing.

She felt like a wall between them had finally been torn down tonight, one she hadn't even really known was there until it was gone, and she was practically shaking with relief. Still, she was nervous to broach the subject of the baby, wondering if he would clam up again and this new-found intimacy would be gone.

"We need a nursery," she finally said quietly. "And clothes, if we don't want our baby to be naked all the time."

Enjolras managed a small smile and said, "I know. We need everything. I don't even know what babies need."

"Neither do I. We're quite a pair," she laughed. "But we've managed so far, haven't we? Look how far we've come in less than a year."

"It's almost June," Enjolras suddenly said, and Gabrielle looked up at him, hearing the fear in his voice, and knowing exactly what he meant.

"I know."

His hold on her tightened as he bowed his head. "I was so full of myself at this time last year. Everything was going according to plan. I was convinced we would win."

"Were you?" Gabrielle asked. She had never voiced this before, but something her brother had said to her once had always stayed with her. "Because my brother...well..." she hesitated, and said seriously, "He told me once that he thought you were the only one that really understood the risk of what you were doing. He thought you maybe expected to die."

Enjolras looked at her, a bit stunned. "I...I don't know if I did. I did know the risk, I understood what was at stake. But does anyone really expect to die? We're too egotistical when it comes right down to it. Humans are convinced we're invincible."

"Are you still convinced of that?"

"No," he whispered. "That's why I'm so terrified." Enjolras looked at the fire, snapping his jaw closed, his lips in a thin line. Gabrielle waited patiently until he was ready to continue.

He finally said softly, "Gabrielle, I...I killed my friends. I killed good men, men who deserve life more than I do."

Gabrielle sat up and took his face in her hands. She had been worried these feelings would resurface as the first anniversary of the barricade approached, piled on top of the stress and anxiety he felt about her pregnancy. "Antoine, no. We've been over this, my love, so many times. You led them, yes, but they willingly followed."

"They trusted me. They looked to me for guidance. They called me their chief." His eyes were dull as he looked at her and Gabrielle felt her throat grow tight, seeing his pain. "I've let so many people down."

"You haven't let me down," Gabrielle said passionately. "Never."

"Yes, I have," he said miserably, and looked pointedly down at her stomach. "I know I have."

Gabrielle swallowed. She couldn't lie – his unhappiness, reluctance, and sometimes indifference towards her pregnancy had hurt. But, she had such faith in him that she never doubted that he would eventually come around. He was too good, and loved her too much, to let her down for good.

"It has hurt me," she said reluctantly, and he immediately lowered his eyes, too ashamed to look at her. She took his chin and leaned forward to gently press her lips to his. "Look at me," she commanded softly.

He slowly raised his gaze to hers and she continued, "Antoine, I know you. Sometimes it surprises me, and I think it surprises you, at just how well. You are my soul, you are my partner. And I've never doubted that you would come around. In the end, you'll never let me down. You don't break your promises."

His eyes blazed for a moment and she could tell he was grateful to her for her unwavering faith in him. He took a deep breath and opened his mouth, and Gabrielle could tell she was about to hear another confession.

"I don't hate the idea of us having a baby, Gabrielle," he admitted softly. "This baby is a part of you, and I could never hate anything that's part of you. What I'm most scared of is losing you. I'm just afraid, unbelievably terrified. Should I really be allowed to be happy, after what I did, after leading so many people to their deaths? If something happened to you, if...I mean, childbirth, it's precarious at best..." He swallowed, his chest heaving with emotion. "Losing you would be my worst punishment."

Gabrielle looked at him, stunned, and deeply moved. Suddenly, his hovering and months of worry made perfect sense.

"You think you deserve that," she whispered, and he nodded tersely as she immediately understood the truth at the heart of his words. "Oh..."

She didn't know what to say, didn't know how to reassure or comfort him.

He continued, "And...how can I possibly be entrusted to raise a child? To protect another human life, especially one so helpless? My friends followed me, looked up to me, and so will our child. I don't deserve to be a father. I don't deserve a child's love or adoration. And I can't help but feel that, because of that, because of what I've done, something is going to go wrong." He closed his eyes, and suddenly looked ten years older after his confession.

Gabrielle wrapped her arms around him. Everything made perfect sense now, and she didn't know why she hadn't realized the heart of the matter much sooner. He was such a martyr, so hard on himself, and tried to be so strong. But even the strongest stone could crack.

Gabrielle reached out and pulled him close. She didn't have any words that could possibly comfort him. His arms slowly encircled her and he rested his head against her shoulder. "I love you," she said softly. "And I swear to you, Antoine, I will never leave you. Not willingly." She knew it was a promise that she couldn't necessarily keep – death had seemed to nip at her heels since she was a child. First her parents, then little Louisa de Sauveterre, then her brother, the other Les Amis...life was never a guarantee in a world such as theirs. And he was right; it was all too common for women to die in childbirth.

And for babies to die.

That thought was suddenly more terrifying than any other, and she felt fear grip her. She wasn't strong like Musichetta. If she lost her child, Gabrielle didn't think she could bear it, not after losing so many other people, too. Gabrielle pulled away a bit to look at Enjolras and said fiercely, "You have to promise me something, and it's going to be hard for you."

"You know I'd do anything for you."

"If something should happen to me...or if it's a choice between me and the baby, you choose this baby."

His eyes widened as he looked at her and he shook his head. "No. I won't promise that. I refuse to promise that, Gabrielle," he said emphatically. He suddenly looked furious, and turned to glare at the fire.

His eyes shined with emotion and Gabrielle sighed, running her fingers through his hair. She decided not to push him, but she knew he had heard her wishes. She hoped it would never come to a choice like that, but with the way their lives had unfolded so far, she didn't necessarily trust in a happy ending. Still, Enjolras needed her to be strong, needed her to be optimistic, because that feeling was most definitely not his strong suit.

He had been prepared to accept death a year ago, she mused, and even with all of the good things that had happened to them in the last year, he was still struggling to accept life.

"Antoine," she suddenly said, "in a way, it's rather beautiful..." She smiled at the realization, at the strange poetry of their situation.

"What?" He turned back to her, his eyes still troubled.

"You're right – your friends did lose their lives. Maybe it was partly your fault. Whether it really was or not, you've accepted responsibility for it, and put that weight on your shoulders. You took lives." Gabrielle's hands moved to her stomach, feeling a deep connection to the little soul growing inside of her. "Now you've helped to give someone else life. Isn't there something a little bit beautiful in that?"

Enjolras stared at her for a moment, unmoving, and then swiftly pulled her close to him. He kissed her forehead, then both of her cheeks, her nose, her lips, and then bent down, pushing the sides of her dressing gown open and exposing her swollen stomach. He pressed his lips to the skin just above her navel and Gabrielle felt tears sting her eyes.

"You always have the strangest way of putting things in perspective for me," he said quietly, and kissed her stomach again. "I love you. I won't let either of you down."

"I know." Gabrielle drew him back up to her and their lips met, sealing his promise and her faith in him.

Ahhem. Hello, there. I am the self-professed queen of drama and angst. Obviously, y'all are okay with that because you're still here. This chapter was a heavy one.

BUT, also an important one. Lots of character development here, and our dear Enjolras is finally getting to where he needs to be to become fully "enlightened." :) I see about four chapters left before the end. Maybe five? I can't believe you are all still here, reading and reviewing faithfully, and I really, really, truly thank you from the bottom of my heart. You guys are awesome.

Please let me know what you think about this chapter and where these characters are going/have come from. Like I said, I didn't just throw a baby into this mix to add more drama; I really think Enjolras accepting responsibility for another life is indicative of his healing from the barricade, and beginning to trust in and believe in himself again. It is HARD being responsible for another human being. Anywho. Review! Please. :)

~Aimee