Well...mystery explained. Kevin sat there smiling, nodding while Owen spun some bullshit about Patrick and food poisoning. Looks like Patrick had found himself a boyfriend. Coming to work late in the mornings, distracted during the days, checking his phone constantly, and now, missing work to probably spend all day in bed, fucking...whoever it was he was now fucking. Oh joy.

He must have said the appropriate words to Owen because he left the office without looking alarmed or confused. That was good.

So back to work. Back to thinking about deadlines, targets, modules completed, meetings that needed scheduling. No time to spend thinking about what had just...happened. No time to spend thinking about the past few days of confusion and uncertainty. But Kevin was finding that like so many fucking things these days, his thoughts weren't totally under his control.

That Monday after the Folsom Street Fair Kevin had been determined to start on a new footing with Patrick. No more flirting, no more crushing, just strictly friendly and professional. But of course, as usual, Patrick had pulled the rug out from under him and had turned everything upside down, since it was Patrick who had come in that day, late, and had promptly spent the next few hours in some sort of daze, a stupid grin on his face, totally ignoring Kevin.

That had been fun.

It was obvious he'd gotten himself well and thoroughly laid the night before and it seemed it was more than some bar-crawl hook-up, because the behavior continued for the next few days. And now, just one week later, this. The little prick was calling in sick.

Kevin was past the point of self-denial. He had been prepared to work at putting thoughts of Patrick aside, to work at redirecting these unwelcome feelings of lust and desperation Patrick had stirred up back towards Jon, who as predicted, had been offered the job the same day as the interview, and was now busy packing up and preparing for his move to San Francisco.

But perversely, it was proving harder to stop thinking about Patrick when Patrick had seemed so obviously to stop giving a damn about Kevin. No more little chats, no more flirtatious jokes, barely even an acknowledgement beyond the perfunctory work interactions. The man was obviously moon struck, and it pissed the hell out of Kevin.

Was he really so easy to just...forget? He hadn't imagined the connection, the chemistry, and it hadn't all been one sided. Patrick had behaved very well since he had found out about Jon, but it hadn't meant that he couldn't still sense the attraction that Patrick had felt towards him. And Kevin had been ready to fight the attraction, suppress it, conquer it...but instead, Patrick had just...moved on.

He knew that fucking leather vest was trouble. It had certainly caused him some difficult moments both that day, and later on, when the image of Patrick blushing, pulling his vest tight to cover his bare torso, would pop into his mind at the most inappropriate times, like when he was on the phone with Jon discussing arrangements, or more usually, when he was in the shower and soaping his own chest, and the thought of soaping up Patrick, having access to that skin, being able to lick it, to bite it and mark it, to run his hands over it and then to pull it close against his own naked chest and feel all that flesh pressed up tight against him...

And now someone else was getting to do that. And more.

When was the last time Kevin had felt these sorts of roiling emotions? This feeling of one minute being totally in command and knowing exactly how he was going to act and behave, and the next being shocked at how out of control he felt and how he could barely recognize himself. Maybe these feelings were heightened because of the impossibility of the situation. Maybe if he had met Jon under these circumstances he too would have roused these extremes. But instead his history with Jon was simple and uncomplicated, without any drama and without any unnecessary angst, pretty much the way he thought he preferred living his life.

They were already successful in their respective careers, had bright futures ahead of them, valued the same things in life, and had felt a growing mutual attraction to each other as they began socializing in the same circles. Dating was fun, sex was good. Moving in had been considered thoughtfully and was ultimately...interesting. They were both pretty strong willed men, not used as adults to having to consider others when making decisions, but Jon had settled more easily into their new life, and had given in to the inevitable compromising and adapting with more grace than Kevin.

Not that they argued particularly, but sometimes it was easier to find reasons to stay at work than to have to go home and deal with someone else's emotional needs. Kevin certainly never felt a huge need to unburden himself on anyone else. Some days were good, some days shit happened. Maybe your boss would be pissed at a missed deadline, you'd overhear some wanker making some stupid joke about faggots, you'd get an annoying phone call from family, or something you'd worked on for hours was still as shitty and broken at the end of they day as when you started, and on those days one just gritted ones teeth and waited for the next day to start.

Kevin knew that Jon wanted more from him sometimes, but he'd given pretty much all he could and Jon had understood that and come to terms with it. He'd never cared for anyone as much as he'd cared for Jon, and he'd let Jon know that in as many ways as he could. But he'd been straight with him about his limitations. No false promises about who he was or what he was capable of being. Maybe omission could be seen as lying, but the sex stuff, the small things that had happened occasionally, they had nothing to do with how he felt about Jon. He never even knew these people's names. It was as impersonal as it could be, and was just, literally, all about the sexual high.

So no, Kevin had never felt off-balance with Jon, had never felt this strange rush of extremes that he had experienced since moving to San Francisco. But until now Kevin had been grateful for that. No histrionics, no teeth gnashing, chest beating, door slamming for them. Why did it suddenly feel like something had been missing that he was just discovering, and why did it feel increasingly like Patrick was the answer to this question.

Maybe Kevin should have fucked Patrick that first night they met, and got it out of his system. By now it would have been something that had just happened one night, and they would have moved past it, been able to laugh about it even, and he would be looking forward to Jon arriving without this cloud hanging over him. Well, maybe Patrick having a boyfriend would be the answer instead, since the whole 'fucking' thing seemed to be out of the picture.

And that was the craziest thing of all to Kevin. Despite all his internal protestations and self-admonishments, all this time he had obviously still been holding out some hope that he would be able to have his cake and eat it too, because it had taken Patrick getting a boyfriend and suddenly becoming unavailable to him to make him realize that what he fantasized about, what he thought about so often was just...never...going to happen.

'Well...shit' Kevin exhaled. That was that. Time to get back to work. That was what he was here for after all.

The next day

Patrick was in on time today, with no signs of lingering stomach issues, Kevin noticed sourly as he passed his desk on the way to refill his coffee.

Jon's arrangements were finally in place, and he was flying in on Saturday morning. His stuff would be arriving the following week, and his job would be starting pretty much immediately. It was all go in the Matheson-Williams household, news he probably would have shared with Patrick once, but now...well, the days of finding themselves alone together were over. Should he just walk over to him and announce it? That seemed a little out of place. Sure, they were the only two gay guys in the office, but that didn't mean they were supposed to have a special bond. Anyway, what the fuck made him think Patrick cared anymore?

Kevin couldn't help himself though, and on the way back from the break room, he stopped at Patrick's desk.

'Hey'

'Oh, Hi' Patrick replied, looking up from his screen, an expectant look on his face. 'Do you need me?'

'No. Just wanted to make sure you were feeling better. From your stomach thing.'

There...he knew Patrick would blush.

'Yeah...it's all totally better. I'm totally good now. Sorry about that. I'll...uhm...I'll stay late tonight to make sure I'm all caught up.' Patrick nodded with fake enthusiasm.

'It's ok Patrick. I was just worried. Something you ate you think? Or did you catch some nasty virus?'

'Oh...probably just food poisoning. Must have had something the night before...' Patrick replied, flustered.

'You should be careful what you put in your stomach. Can't have my lead designer flaking out on me' Kevin pretended concern. Patrick nodded, visibly uncomfortable.

Kevin tried to think of a reason to linger that wouldn't seem fake. Patrick was obviously not in the mood for sharing and watching him squirm as he did his best to perpetuate his lie...it didn't feel as gratifying as he had imagined. Kevin just wanted Patrick to talk to him like they used to. He wanted Patrick to seek him out, pursue him again, enjoy his company, live in that little bubble they seemed to have had once. But...that took two and Patrick wasn't playing anymore. Kevin should take the hint.

'Don't worry about the work. You're not behind. Just...look after yourself, OK?'

Patrick smiled at him. A genuine smile directed straight at him. One that just drew you in and made you want to do things to make him smile like that at you all the time. Kevin's heart sank.

'Ok.' Patrick replied.

Kevin nodded briskly. Time to make a getaway, but before he could, Patrick started talking again.

'By the way, this weekend? Did you need me to come in?'

Kevin shook his head slowly.

'Why, you got plans?' he asked casually.

'Well, my friend's having a birthday party in the park, Dolores park, on Sunday and I ...just wanted to know...if you needed me I could come in Saturday?

'No need. I think we've got it under control, right?'

'I think so. It's going really well, I think. It's pretty awesome actually.' Patrick grinned.

'Yep. It is. You're...all of you, the whole team...doing a really great job. Keep up the good work' Kevin raised his eyebrows, and put his thumbs up, mocking himself.

'Right-y-ho' Patrick replied, in his terrible English accent. Kevin couldn't help it. He laughed delightedly.

'God. That was bloody awful.'

They smiled at each other, while Owen rolled his eyes.

'Thank you. I've been trying to tell him for weeks now. His fake accent sucks. Please make him stop'

Ahhh...there...another blush. Their eyes caught for an instant as their smiles lingered, and then...Patrick looked away, concentrating back on his screen, all signs of humor gone. It reminded him of that night of the fair, when Patrick had suddenly, inexplicably, just...switched off. Kevin stood there for a second, chewing his lip, then turned and walked back into his office.

That had been a nice moment. For a moment.

Sunday Afternoon

'Was that the Patrick you had mentioned, the one on the torpedo?' Jon asked, still fully engrossed in his ice-cream.

'Yup, that was him' Kevin replied casually.

'I don't remember you mentioning he was cute' Jon teased. 'I remember the 'young' bit and you were NOT exaggerating. Is he old enough to even have that beer?.'

'He's not that young. Just looks it.'

'That boyfriend of his, though.' Jon plowed on. 'That was unexpected. He was pretty hot, if you go for that dark, brooding sort of look. Did he actually say he cut hair for a living? Where would you even meet a guy like that? Your Patrick seems to have some hidden depths.'

'Mmhmm. Definitely a surprise.' Kevin managed to respond.

So, that was the boyfriend. Richie. Obviously Latino, obviously gorgeous, lots of beautiful skin covering well sculpted muscle and that jet black hair with those piercing eyes. No wonder Patrick was besotted. Though...he didn't exactly act that way today. He had come bounding up like a naughty puppy, obviously embarrassed at having been caught doing...something that looked weirdly like skipping? Kevin had felt a momentary gratification in introducing Jon, who always impressed with his clean-cut all-American beef-cake looks, and then followed that up with his easy charm, and then the final whammy of being successful and intelligent. A doctor no less. Patrick's surprised awe was a temporary balm to Kevin's beleaguered spirits.

'There' he had thought to himself. 'You all but abandoned me and turned your back on me and our...friendship, but look who I have, who belongs to me!' And the first part of the day's mission had been accomplished. But as always, Kevin couldn't delight for too long in those feelings. He was perverse in that he liked to cause Patrick discomfort, but then he immediately wanted to just soothe it all away for him and make it all better. He was such a pathetic arsehole.

And then Richie had appeared and once more, Kevin was blindsided. A hot barber. Laid back, self assured, oozing confidence, not remotely intimidated or impressed by all the successful wasp-ness surrounding him. It definitely seemed that Richie was the grown up in that relationship. And for an instant, Patrick had seemed somehow disconnected, as if he felt a little out of his depth, a little unsure of what he was doing, and Kevin felt, again, the need to comfort and reassure him, which he obviously had no right or reason to do. It had been a relief when the encounter finally ended. The second part of the mission, getting to meet the boyfriend, was accomplished with a lot less satisfaction.

Kevin could see the appeal that Richie would have for Patrick. He wasn't blind or immune to the sexuality that a man like Richie exuded. But...seeing that momentary hesitation Patrick had shown...was Patrick ready for a man like Richie? Because Richie seemed like the kind of man who wasn't into nonsense and fluff, and a man like Patrick was a delicious work in progress, a challenging hot mess. For Patrick's sake, Kevin hoped Richie would have the patience to enjoy and relish the insecurities and silliness that was the outer Patrick Murray, to get to the core of him, the sweetness, the warmth, the enthusiasm for life, the adorable naivety combined with that secret sly charm and wit.

But then, what did HE know. Maybe Richie had already figured all that out and was going to hold on to Patrick for dear life. Maybe Richie relished the challenge of dealing with all the drama and they were having the time of their lives fucking their brains out, falling in love...

Or maybe Kevin didn't really know Patrick at all and those precious few days they had spent, when Kevin had felt his world was somehow expanding and deepening and becoming sweeter and more alive...maybe all that was an illusion he had created...

Kevin looked at Jon as they walked together through the park. The ice cream was finally finished and Jon was happily taking in all the unfettered joy and happiness that was San Francisco on a beautiful sunny day. Kevin reached out and took his hand, linking their fingers together. Jon smiled at Kevin.

Patrick was with Richie. Jon was real, tangible...not a fantasy or an illusion... and Kevin was content.

Content was a good way to be.