The Next Day
Kevin stared at his phone, chewing his lip. It would probably take Patrick about 30 minutes to get here, if he left the restaurant straight away. That seemed like an incredibly short time in which to get his head straight and figure out what he wanted to say, but at the same time he knew the waiting would be interminable.
Fuck it, he needed a drink. He should just run out and get some beers. Now that was a fucking excellent idea. Maybe if they could just sit together and have a friendly drink, just completely casual and laid back and actually talk this thing out, maybe they'd be able to move on from this painfully awkward situation.
Not that Patrick showed any desire to analyze and discuss, which if anything, made Kevin significantly more nervous about what was going on in Patrick's head than if he had stormed in this morning, demanding explanations and apologies. For christ's sake, his boss had jumped him in the bathroom and only stopped when Patrick had held him off, and this morning he acted like absolutely nothing of any importance or significance had happened.
Kevin had barely been able to sleep at night, worrying and planning and running through scenarios of how he would approach Patrick, of what he would say to him, how he would try to explain...and it had taken all of his willpower not to call him or text him or try somehow to communicate with him, to just wait until he saw him at the office. He'd come in early just in case he could snatch a few minutes in private before work and meetings got fully underway, but perversely Patrick had decided that he would come in late again that day. Which of course made Kevin remember the one person in this whole mess he'd completely forgotten about. Richie. With all the guilt he'd felt about Jon, he hadn't spared a moment's thought about the fact that Patrick had a boyfriend too.
Just one more thing to add to the list of things to feel shitty about.
From the moment he'd left the bathroom, left Patrick in there and just...escaped, he'd been doing nothing but thinking about the stupidity of his actions, the total and utter mess he'd made of everything, all because he couldn't control himself, because he couldn't deny himself the one thing he'd been fucking thinking about for weeks now. Kissing Patrick. It had been only a few seconds, but those seconds might have cost him a whole fuck of a lot. For a start, his working relationship with Patrick which was such a big part of the current success of the team was at stake, not to mention his own peace of mind, because unfortunately the brief aborted kiss hadn't killed the desire he felt for Patrick, but instead had made it seem almost impossible to imagine that he wouldn't ever get to do that again. Even though he knew he couldn't. He wouldn't. Not again. And even if he wanted to...more than anything...Patrick wouldn't. He'd shown that.
Wait. More than anything? Did he want to kiss Patrick again more than anything? More than being with Jon? Fuck...that was just a path he couldn't travel down. There was no point in even thinking about that, it was so preposterous. To give up a relationship he'd invested so much time in, to turn his back on a man who had given up so much for him, for what would essentially be a quick scratch of a physical urge...fucking unthinkable.
He just had to focus on mending the damage. Not let his mind wander to what might have happened if Patrick had...kissed him back.
Even if in his drunken state he'd imagined for a second that Patrick wanted more, his behavior today would have quickly disabused him of that notion. Patrick had been so...cold this morning. He was expecting recriminations, accusations, but the complete lack of any emotion had been frightening. Kevin had tried to break through the barrier Patrick had put up, knowing that if they had a chance of getting over this they needed to discuss it, but Patrick was surprisingly impenetrable. Kevin had walked away from this new Patrick, needing to regroup, figure out his next move, even thinking that maybe he needed to give Patrick a few days to come to terms with what had happened and then try to approach him again, but in the end, he couldn't wait.
He'd lasted the day at least without badgering him, but this evening, as he faced the idea of going home and spending another restless evening with everything so uncertain, he knew he couldn't wait any longer. He'd made some typical excuses to Jon about project deadlines and such, and then he'd tried to text Patrick some harmless greetings, hoping Patrick would show some willingness to engage, but that hadn't worked. Finally, he'd worked up the courage to call, but just from Patrick's tone he could tell he was still in full-on denial mode. Thinking fast, Kevin had basically tricked Patrick into coming into the office, claiming he needed help locating some files. And so now here he was, counting down the minutes before he had to face Patrick and somehow crack through the shield he had put up.
With a renewed sense of purpose, Kevin made his way to the local deli to pick up some beers. Having something to do was better than just sitting chewing his nails, waiting... Alcohol. That was what he needed. A bit of dutch courage for him and a bit of a relaxant for Patrick. He needed the courage to push Patrick into accepting that last night had actually happened and that it was a situation that needed discussing and ultimately, needed Patrick's understanding and forgiveness, and Patrick needed to relax enough to be willing to hear that and not avoid the reality of where they were at. That was what tonight had to be about. Putting to rights the relationship that Kevin had derailed. Setting it back on it's right track...
It took only a second for all of Kevin's self delusions to shatter, as he approached the deli checkout to pay for his beers and saw a display of condoms. His heart sank.
'You fucking fool' he laughed bitterly to himself. That's what he'd called him for. All that bullshit about putting things right, discussing, apologizing...if Patrick gave him the slightest sign that he was willing, he'd be all over him in a second.
What the fuck was he doing? Almost in slow motion, his heart racing, Kevin picked up a packet of condoms and put them on the counter. He couldn't take his eyes off them. Before the cashier could pick them up though, he snatched them back, shaking his head. That was just going too far.
He was bugging out. He needed to calm the fuck down and get back to the office. Patrick had a boyfriend and had shown last night he was not willing to take things further with Kevin. Even if he had felt anything, he'd been the better, more honorable man.
So, kevin had no fucking idea what was going to happen tonight. But he wasn't going to meet Patrick with a pack of condoms in his pocket. He was going to leave this up to Patrick, because he had no will power left. Thoughts of Jon, thoughts of wrong or right, Kevin knew none of that would make any difference if Patrick wanted him even a fraction of how much he wanted Patrick.
Time to get back to the office and wait...
15 minutes later
Kevin watched Patrick walk towards him, unsmiling, purposeful.
'Hi'
'Hi...how was your thing?' Kevin asked. Hopefully Patrick was in a chatty mood and some small talk and banter could ease them into their comfortable familiarity. But no. Patrick was all business tonight.
'It was good, I think. I'll get you those files.'
'Do you want a beer? I got us some drinks.' Kevin tried again, holding out a can, moving towards him, moving closer...
'No, I'm good. Let's just get this done, yeah?' Patrick was definitely shutting him down. If he was waiting for a sign, this was pretty fucking clear. He should just let this go. He should let Patrick go. Hadn't he humiliated himself enough? But...really, who the fuck cared about humiliation, if there was the slightest chance...Kevin had to push this just a little further. If he was going to crash and burn he might as well go down in fucking flames.
'I think actually I...sort of of got it.' He edged closer to Patrick, drawn to him.
'What do you mean?'
'Well I got it sorted. I did it all.' Kevin opened up a beer and handed it to Patrick, so close now he could see Patrick's eyes widen by a fraction. But still, if he knew why Kevin had called him he wasn't letting on. But he also wasn't leaving...he was still standing there, and he was taking a drink...
'Ok, then what am I doing here?'
So this was it. The point at which Kevin could just take the right path. He could tell Patrick he'd made a mistake, thought he needed him but didn't and Patrick could just go home, or back to hang out with his friends, or even back to Richie who was maybe waiting for him...But always, when it came to Patrick, the right thing to do was never the thing that felt the most... right... to Kevin. So instead, he was going to lay his cards on the table, and let Patrick choose.
'Ah well, I wanted to talk to you about what happened between us.'
'Oh my God. Please, I told you. It's completely fine.' Still, Patrick stood there, not moving away, not leaving in anger, just...waiting?
Kevin gazed at Patrick. God...he wanted this man so much. For what felt like forever all he could think about was this man and being with him. What would he do if Patrick didn't feel the same way? What would he do if Patrick walked away? Well, this was the time to find out.
'What?'
'Do you know how much effort it takes to be around you every day?'...there it was...the point of no return had finally been reached.
'Effort?'
'Hmmmm. It takes all of my willpower not to lunge and kiss the fucking shit out of you. And I can't seem to stop thinking about you and it's becoming a real...fucking...problem.'
Kevin's whole body was tensed, waiting for Patrick's reaction. But it felt so good to finally say the words out loud. To finally put a voice to the feelings that had been bottled up these weeks they had been together. Whatever happened, Kevin couldn't regret that. Patrick seemed confused by the confession more than upset, as if it had never occurred to him that someone could be so powerfully attracted to him. For fuck's sake, what kind of shitty men had he spent time with in the past that he didn't know his own appeal?
'You have a boyfriend.'
Well...that cut right to the heart of it. Not much Kevin could say to that...
'Yeah.'
...except...was the existence of Jon was the only thing holding Patrick back from Kevin? What about Richie? His own boyfriend? What about Patrick just not feeling the same way...He didn't mention those things. He didn't deny having feelings...was this the sign Kevin was waiting for, or was he reading too much into it? Oh fuck...his heart felt like it was going to explode it was racing so fast. He could barely breathe...was this going to happen?
'You know what, I think I'm just going to go...'
'No can you just...no please...don't just..don't go just yet.' Kevin couldn't let him go without pushing this further because he didn't believe Patrick wanted to go...He would have already left, would have told Kevin to fuck off, told him he was happy with his boyfriend, told him a million things that he hadn't. Patrick wanted to stay...he just had to show him. He put his arm out to stop Patrick from moving but quickly drew it back. He wasn't going to force him...
'What are you doing?' Patrick seemed immobilized by Kevin's hand that had touched him so briefly. His face was a picture of confusion...hesitation? That was all that Kevin needed to see.
'Just stay' Kevin was almost begging. He didn't care...he was happy to beg...
'this is...'
'Just...' Kevin kissed him again. Once, twice, the briefest kisses, just barely touching, barely a lick of his tongue, but enough to show Patrick what he wanted, what he needed so much from him. And again, Patrick pushed him away...but this time...oh god...this time, he stared Kevin right in the eyes as Kevin waited...waited...for him to turn away...but he didn't. They stood there, staring at each other, both of them breathing heavily, and there was only the smallest doubt left in Kevin's mind of what Patrick also wanted.
So...just a tentative, questioning approach...if Patrick moved back, away, even slightly, Kevin would stop...but Patrick didn't. Kevin stepped forward bringing their bodies so close...and brushed his face against Patrick's, silently asking for permission one last time. Patrick didn't move his head an inch, his eyes wide and focused intensely on Kevin. He seemed to be waiting for Kevin's lips to touch his again, so Kevin, slowly, ever so slowly, brought his mouth to Patrick's one more time, and as their lips touched softly, reverently, their eyes closed and finally...finally...Kevin was kissing Patrick.
And then, miraculously, Patrick was kissing Kevin, and it was...fucking fantastic. Oh God...his mouth, his clever tongue...they couldn't get enough of each other's kisses, and when one pulled away the other would just follow and the kiss would start again. Hotter, wetter, more desperate. And to finally have his hands in Patrick's hair, his beautiful, soft hair that he'd wanted to grab for so long...it was heaven. To have that body that he'd fantasized about pushed up against his, firm, strong, deliciously hard...he only let Patrick pull away far enough so that they could start undressing each other, but he didn't want to lose contact with that luscious wet mouth that was driving him crazy.
Patrick's hands were busy unbuttoning his shirt as Kevin moved his down to start unbuckling belts. He wanted to feel Patrick, take his cock in his hand, in his mouth, have Patrick's hands on him too, he wanted so much and didn't know where to start...
But Patrick seemed to know exactly what he wanted, and that, thank fucking christ, seemed to be Kevin, naked. Which was just fine with Kevin. Every inch of skin that Patrick uncovered he covered in kisses, stroked with his long beautiful fingers, and licked and sucked with his talented mouth, driving Kevin insane with need. Kevin went straight for Patrick's cock, pushing one hand into Patrick's pants while he pulled him close with the other. He nibbled his way down Patrick's neck with his greedy mouth, sucking the soft skin when he reached the base, so deep, he knew he would leave a mark. Good. He wanted to mark him. Patrick was beautifully hard, and as Kevin stroked him, played with him, he began to make soft panting noises. Noises that were making Kevin fucking crazy. In all his fantasies, his imagined encounters, Kevin hadn't anticipated the effect Patrick's moans and gasps would have on him. And it was a most wonderful surprise. He had never been so turned on just by the sound of another man as at this very moment.
Patrick fell to his knees and pulled Kevin's pants down, taking his boxers with them, forcing Kevin to step out of them. He stopped for a moment, silently, and then looked up at Kevin. They hadn't exchanged a word since they had started kissing, and there was a question in Patrick's dazed eyes.
Kevin knelt down in front of Patrick and kissed him softly on the mouth.
'What do you want to do?' He asked Patrick, whispering his question into his mouth as he licked his way inside and sought out Patrick's tongue.
'I want to fuck.' Patrick pulled his head back so he could escape Kevin's mouth and instead started kissing his chest again, moving slowly downwards. Ah...so...fucking...good. Patrick kissed his way down Kevin's belly and finally put his mouth on his cock, just the softest suck, the slightest lick...Kevin squeezed his eyes shut as Patrick began to explore him more thoroughly.
'I don't want you to cum like this' Patrick whispered, bringing his head back up to Kevin's for a long lingering kiss.
'Ok' Kevin answered, practically incoherent as he watched Patrick stand up to take off his own pants and boxers. Patrick knelt back down in front of Kevin and they both reached for each other, their hands moving together on each other's cocks slowly, lazily, building up the tension, while their mouths naturally came together again. Patrick was a biter. As he stroked Kevin, he would bite and pull on his lower lip, and Kevin's head practically exploded.
'Like this?' he managed to ask Patrick. Anyway Patrick wanted was just fine with him. There was such an abundance of beautiful skin and wonderful body parts to play with and rub up against, not to mention the fact that he could probably cum just by kissing Patrick's mouth and nibbling his lips...
'No...I want to fuck' Patrick repeated. Kevin pulled his head back and stared at Patrick. Oh god, his mouth was wet and swollen, his eyes huge, bright, and there were little marks and bites all over his neck. He looked magnificent. Kevin knew there was something he had to say, but for the life of him he couldn't think what it was...
'Do you have a condom?' Patrick asked.
Fuck...
Kevin shook his head slowly, in a daze. He almost wanted to cry at the desperate disappointment on Patrick's face.
'I wanted you to do it. To fuck me...' Patrick said, forlornly.
'Oh god, there's nothing I want to do more...' Kevin replied, dropping his forehead onto Patrick's.
'I don't really...I haven't much because I usually...' Patrick trailed off, looking miserable, but still hot as fuck.
'You don't bottom?' Kevin prompted.
'Not usually...but I really wanted to tonight...You're driving me crazy you're so fucking...hot' Patrick whispered, starting to scatter kisses on Kevin's lips again.
'Let me suck you...' Kevin reached for Patrick.
'No...no...I really want to fuck' Patrick moaned as Kevin's hand wrapped around him again.
'But...'
'Just do it. Please...' Patrick pleaded as he began to thrust into Kevin's hand, while his own hands roamed all over Kevin's body, stroking his chest, his shoulders, his ass, his thighs...
'I want you to...please...' He continued, as he licked into Kevin's mouth and sucked his tongue deep into his own.
'Whatever you want...if you're sure...' Kevin panted. He pushed Patrick down onto the floor and moved on top of him, thrusting their bodies together, feeling himself grow impossibly harder as he felt Patrick's cock rubbing against his.
There was a moment of hesitation on Patrick's part, and Kevin was ready to stop, to do anything else Patrick wanted to do, it would all be sooooo good, but Patrick was determined to go through with it, and after the first initial entry which caused him some discomfort, everything became...glorious.
God, to be inside Patrick, to feel him tight all around him, and to hear him panting, gasping as he began to move slowly, but then more surely, faster, stronger...And when he hit Patrick's p-spot he heard Patrick moaning in surprised ecstasy, and that was the biggest rush he could ever imagine. To feel Patrick clutching him as he desperately sought out his mouth, to feel Patrick harden even more against him as he moved deliriously closer to completion...to hear him beg for more, for harder, for faster...it felt like only seconds passed before Kevin was ready to cum and he thankfully had the presence of mind to pull out of Patrick before it was too late, and then together, they brought each other off, groaning their pleasure into each other's mouths.
Kevin wanted to collapse onto Patrick, but knowing they were lying on a hard floor, he instead rolled to the side and lay there, staring at the ceiling, next to Patrick, trying to catch his breath. They looked at each other and grinned. Kevin again marveled at the beauty of the man lying next to him.
That was a most excellent fuck. And he knew he wanted to do it again. He didn't know how, but he knew it had to happen. He would make it happen. This couldn't be the end.
'Was that OK?' he asked. After all, Patrick hadn't much experience at being fucked, and to have it happen on the floor, with no lubrication...it had seemed to go well, but he needed to make sure.
Patrick smiled and leaned over to kiss Kevin.
'Yeah. It was.'
After a moment more of silently smiling at each other, they got up and started dressing. Sneaking glances, shy smiles...Kevin felt...at peace.
'So now what?' Patrick finally asked.
Kevin didn't have any answers, except for the knowledge that he and Patrick were going to be doing this again. Hopefully soon. But that wasn't what Patrick meant, and he knew that. Patrick's question was about so much more, and he was brave to ask it. So now, what about Jon? So now, what about Richie? So now...what about Patrick and Kevin? What was the future going to be?
Kevin gave the only answer he could.
'I don't know, Patrick'.
And he didn't. He really didn't know the answers. And tonight, he frankly didn't care. Tonight, he had given in to the temptation he had felt from the very beginning, and it had been orders of magnitude better than he had expected. And in a while he would feel shitty and guilty and be faced with the consequences of tonight, but for now, in this moment...life felt fucking great. He felt great. And he wasn't letting go of that feeling. He was going to hold on for as long as he could.
Patrick stood up to leave, looking more serious and focussed than he had a minute ago, playing with some charm thing around his neck. Had his regrets already started? God, Kevin had hoped the euphoric sex would have kept him buzzed a little longer. But he should have known that a worrier like Patrick would have a harder time with the consequences of this evening.
He walked over to Patrick and kissed his gently on the mouth.
'It will all be alright. We'll work it out. We'll talk tomorrow.' Kevin reassured him. Patrick smiled, a little weakly, and giving him a last lingering look, turned around and walked out of the office.
'It will be alright. I'll work it out. I'll talk to him tomorrow...' Kevin repeated to himself. He sat on the sofa and picked up a new can of beer. He would head home soon, to Jon, but for now, he was going to sit here, drinking quietly and peacefully, remembering the fucking amazing night he had just spent in the arms of fucking Patrick Murray.