The following Sunday morning

The drive back from the Russian River seemed to take half as long as the drive up there. Time had a strange way of distorting itself to maximize and amplify the emotions of the moment. On the drive up Kevin had felt a heady mix of anxiety and anticipation and the time had crawled by so slowly. Now, satiated and happy, but dreading the inevitable explanations, or in other words, the lying he would be forced to do, the time was passing too quickly, hurtling him towards 'real life' faster than he wanted to get back to it.

Well, real life was about to take a new turn that he'd not expected. No denying this anymore. Kevin was having an affair. And thank fuck for that.

When Patrick had left the office on Thursday evening Kevin had felt both anxious and despondent. The wall Patrick had put up had seemed impenetrable, so when he received the call in the middle of the night with Patrick demanding he drive up to meet him, he had felt frustrated with him for being so reckless, but at the same time, he had felt such a huge relief. Patrick was finally reaching out to him, asking him for something, asserting his power and it gladdened Kevin.

It was too late to call this anything other than it was. Not a fling, not a casual sexual dalliance, but an affair. Giving it a name almost made him feel better. Obviously this made everything at home more complicated but it also made things clearer. He had spent a lot of energy denying to himself what was happening and perversely that had made each of his relationships more tense. Now things had a name, a category, it would be easier to deal with them. An affair was an illicit relationship where both parties involved knew there was an expiration date and there were rules of behavior. One of those rules was you took every opportunity you could to be together, and didn't have to hide the fact from each other that you wanted to find that time, so no more randomly snatched spontaneous moments. Now there was planning involved, and Kevin was a fucking excellent planner.

So Patrick wanted to do it in a bed. He wanted to fuck somewhere soft and clean for a change Kevin thought with a grin. Well, he would be happy to oblige. It would be his absolute fucking pleasure! At the earliest possible opportunity, no less. Something had switched on in Patrick and for the first time since they'd been together on the office floor, outside of the times they actually had sex, Kevin felt that Patrick was fully engaged and a part of this, and Kevin would do what it took to keep him that way.

God, when he had arrived at the meeting spot and seen Patrick running towards the car, flagging him down...his fucking heart had leapt in joy. Patrick was definitely high, but he was still Patrick, just...amplified. He had dragged Kevin deep into the woods and then proceeded to kiss the living shit out of Kevin, wet, passionate kisses where he basically just latched onto Kevin's mouth and wouldn't let go. The desperation with which Patrick had attacked him was so...hot. And then, growling into his mouth he instructed Kevin to fuck him against a tree. Jesus fucking Christ if he thought he was turned on before...he felt his head would explode from the desire he suddenly felt.

Patrick had wasted no time in getting their pants pulled down...he was getting very adept at zeroing in onto Kevin's cock...and then, within minutes of arriving, Kevin found himself balls deep in Patrick, and feeling like HE was the one on ecstasy. All sensations were so heightened and acute, time had slowed down to a delicious crawl, and with every thrust he made, taking him deeper and deeper, with every gasp and sigh he heard from Patrick, his own passion reached new heights. Fucking Patrick from behind meant he couldn't keep contact with that mouth he loved so much, not that they both didn't try. Patrick had grabbed at his head and tried to keep his own turned so they could keep sucking each other's lips, but eventually he had been so overwhelmed he had had to turn away and lean on the tree in front of him, clutching the thick branches as if they were Kevin himself. But this had given Kevin the opportunity to get even deeper inside, hitting Patrick's p-spot over and over, while he also got to lick and bite at the back of Patrick's exposed neck. More chances to leave his mark. Yes!

When he felt like he couldn't last much longer he had reached around and grabbed Patrick's cock, jerking him off frantically so they could cum together. And when they did...fuck...it was the most erotic thing he had ever experienced.

He has slumped onto Patrick, knowing that he was squashing him into the branch but not particularly caring. He had given him the fuck of his life so a little discomfort wouldn't kill him he thought hazily. And Patrick didn't seem like he was complaining, though he was probably too breathless to talk. Kevin smiled. At last he seemed to have fucked Patrick speechless. Now THAT was an accomplishment to be proud of.

Eventually he pushed himself upright and with a little effort, pulled out of Patrick, who made a small gratifying noise of protest. For someone who hadn't really bottomed much Patrick had certainly come to love it. Kevin knew he was being a bit of a cunt for feeling so proud of that, but he was. HE was the one that has made Patrick want it, crave it...and that felt fantastic.

Patrick's silence obviously couldn't last too long and Kevin was happy to let him chatter on, but then, when he'd ever-so-casually asked if they'd ever do it in a bed, Kevin had felt so incredibly...moved. Patrick wanted more, and he was letting Kevin know it. And if it seemed Patrick had made a decision, then Kevin was not going to question his luck that the decision had gone his way. What Patrick wanted, Patrick would get.

When Kevin had answered Patrick's 'casual' question with sincerity, he had seemed surprised. Kevin couldn't resist kissing his sweet mouth to reassure him.

'Do that again. Maybe it's the Molly but I could feel it in my toes' Patrick had said, holding Kevin's head close.

Kevin could have told him it wasn't the Molly. But instead he kissed him again, tenderly, yearningly.

This was the beginning of the affair.

Patrick had wanted Kevin to stay a little, so he did. They just sat there at the base of the tree they had just fucked against, and Patrick had told him how he had tried to get the others to stay home in Lynn's amazing lake house and play board games but how he had been outvoted and they ended up dancing the night away and Patrick had ended up taking Molly for the first time. He told him about canoeing on the river, seeing lots of naked bears, being called a seal pup, which Kevin found adorable, and then finally he told him that he had felt so horny that he couldn't stop himself and had to call Kevin. Apparently it was Kevin's job now to satisfy all of Patrick's sexual urges.

As dawn grew nearer, Patrick became more melancholy. The effect of the drugs had pretty much worn off, and he didn't want Kevin to leave. But Kevin had to get back and they both knew it. He promised Patrick he would arrange something for them to be together soon, and Patrick had watched him drive away, standing there, one hand in the air saluting him goodbye. Now it was Kevin's turn to feel melancholy, but it was a sweet feeling. One tinged with promise and happiness because they were both finally on the same page.

As he neared home, Kevin forced himself to think about Jon and what this meant for them. He knew Jon had a bunch of travel scheduled for the next few weeks which would make life a little easier, and he also knew that Jon was looking forward to the time apart as much as he was. A part of Kevin almost wished Jon would confront him with his own dissatisfaction and they could...maybe...move on, but he knew that Jon was loyal to a fault and he loved Kevin, so there was no way Jon would initiate any sort of discussion that could bring their relationship to a brink they might not be able to come back from. Which left Kevin feeling responsible as well as guilty. Jon went for the passive aggressive route. Not openly accusing Kevin of being withholding or distant, not ever voicing out loud the many sacrifices he had made for Kevin or how little Kevin gave in return, but letting Kevin know through little comments, gentle 'jokes', frequent references to how much he missed his family...basically making Kevin feel like shit even BEFORE he factored in his behavior with Patrick. Sure, Jon's new job was going well, but it was frustrating to have to rebuild a reputation and he had to prove himself over and over again with the team. Sure, San Francisco was fun, but they barely knew anyone here and Kevin never introduced him to anyone from work so it fell to Jon to rebuild their social life. Sure, Kevin's job was a great opportunity, but the hours it demanded, was it ultimately worth it to design and build...video games? And of course, skyping almost daily with one or other of his big boisterous family so he wouldn't have to miss some niece's birthday, or the family dog giving birth to a litter of puppies, or so his mum could reassure herself her big beautiful son was staying healthy and remembering to eat properly. No one outrightly accused Kevin of taking the golden child away, but every phone call Jon had with them left him feeling more shitty. Which was fucking ridiculous. They were both adults for god's sake. Who picked where they lived based on their fucking parents! You went where the work was, or where the most exciting city was, or where your lover was. That's how adults behaved.

Kevin had to reign in his feelings of resentment. Even if Jon let it be known that he didn't love this compromise, he had still made it, and of the two of them, Jon was still the one that gave more than he took.

Fuck. Who would have thought that a needy, insecure hot mess like Patrick would be more restful for Kevin than good old solid Jon. Or maybe he wasn't restful so much as...complimentary, like his jagged edges fit Kevin's and they locked in place comfortably, whereas Jon and Kevin, their smooth edges just had them sliding off each other, always somehow missing a connection.

He would have to make up some bullshit about a backup power outage which had threatened to take down their servers or something. Fortunately Jon never paid enough attention to what Kevin's job actually entailed so he wouldn't really understand, but he did know enough to realize video game emergencies were rare and unlikely. So he had to make this one pretty major. Even Jon would respect the idea of crashing servers.

Fuck. As Kevin pulled into the parking lot he felt a strangely familiar pain begin at the top of his neck, just below his skull. No fucking way. This couldn't be a migraine. He hadn't had one of those in years. But yes, this felt very recognizable. Shit. He was going to need to put Jon off for the next few hours because what he needed now was some sleep and if possible, some pills. Thank god Jon was a doctor and could get him some of the strong stuff. Please please please let Jon still be asleep and oblivious. There was some hope since he hadn't received a call or text. If he could just pass out in bed and let this headache pass, then he could face Jon later.

Feeling like crap, Kevin made his way up to their apartment from the garage. In the elevator his phone buzzed. Shit. He was being texted. Dread filled his body as he imagined Jon wondering where the hell he was but as he looked at his phone, a weary smile spread across his face. It was Patrick.

'Thanks for helping out with the problem. Couldn't have fixed it without you. You have amazing skills. Looking forward to tackling more issues together in the future.'

Cheeky little shit. A perfectly innocuous message should anyone else see it but crystal clear to him. Kevin typed back a message.

'Happy to help. You are pretty good at this stuff yourself. Don't underestimate your abilities. I was well impressed. Management will definitely want to show their appreciation for all your efforts. Keep up the good work. Get some sleep.'

Feeling at peace though the migraine was intensifying, Kevin let himself into the apartment and gratefully crawled into bed beside the still-sleeping Jon.

Explanations would wait till later thank god.

Sunday evening

'Maybe you should see a neurologist. We have a great guy on staff at the Giants. I'll book you an appointment' Jon was fussing, sitting next to Kevin on the sofa in the living room, holding his hand, stroking his fingers.

'It's fine. It was just a headache' Kevin tried to reassure him.

'You've never had a migraine before. They don't usually happen in isolation so I'd like to see if there's something else going on.'

'I told you, I had these as a kid. It's just...the stress...at work. You know, the project deadlines.'

'Well tell them that you can't keep working these hours then. And last night? Did the boss really have to go in and handle this emergency? Don't you have people you pay to do these things for you?' Jon sounded exasperated.

'It was potentially a big crisis. I had to be there. There was a whole bunch of us. I wasn't the only one. And anyway, I can't cut back on work, we've got to deliver the product or we start to lose our return on the whole R&D phase.' Kevin squeezed his eyes shut and dropped his head in his hand. How the fuck did these lies slip so easily from him? Avoiding the truth was one thing, but here he was, actually spinning lines of crap which Jon was totally believing. He was such a piece of shit.

Jon stroked Kevin's head. Kevin looked up at him, to see him smiling sympathetically. Kevin just stared at him, looking at his beloved, familiar face, but... it was almost as if he was looking at a stranger. Or maybe he was just looking at him through new eyes. He wasn't comparing him to Patrick. They were so ridiculously different even though they had ostensibly come from the same sort of upper class WASP up-bringing, so comparisons were moot. It wasn't that one was better looking, or smarter, or funnier, or sexier or that there was even any one metric that could be used to measure them against each other...at the end of the day it just came down to how he felt when he was with them, and...that scared him.

How could you measure the value of familiarity and security versus the new and challenging. Wouldn't the new become old? Wouldn't the challenges be conquered and become boring? Was he just the type of man who would never fully settle down but always be restless, looking for a new thrill? He hadn't thought so, and he didn't want that to be true, but was that what all the little indiscretions meant, and now this affair? Was it more about him not being able to commit and less about Jon and Patrick? Him not being able to value the people in his life properly and always looking for something different?

'I'm sorry' he blurted out, surprising even himself.

'About what?'

'I haven't thanked you properly, for everything you've done. For me. For us. Moving here, and before then...putting up with me. I know it hasn't always been easy.'

'Well, I know I'm not always a picnic either. I know I've made it a little harder for you these past few weeks. I miss Seattle, but I promise, I'm making an effort. And I'll do better. And, by the way, you've been totally worth it. It hasn't been too bad putting up with you. You Brits are a little hard to crack, but, sarcasm and aloofness aside, you're not too bad' Jon teased.

Kevin smiled, grateful to Jon for having eased the tension.

'You've been...amazing. You're a good man. I'm not sure I deserve you'

'Deserve me? I'm not a prize you know. You didn't win me at an auction. I chose to be with you Kevin because I love you, and...it's pretty much as simple as that.'

Kevin nodded, and Jon leaned forward to kiss him.

'Would you let me make that appointment for you? I would feel much better if we could just check it out.'

'I told you, I've had them before. Not for about 20 years, but, they'll go away, as soon as this...project is over.' Kevin squeezed Jon's hand.

'Ok. If you say so. What do I know...I'm only a doctor. Maybe we should try cutting out gluten from our diets for a while. It wouldn't be a bad thing anyway and you would probably feel a lot less stressed and tired.'

'Whatever you think best, Jon.' This was comfortable, safe ground. Jon liked to take charge and this was an area Kevin happily conceded to him on. Compromise. Whereby two strong-willed personalities found common ground and the ability to live in relative harmony with each other. He had to remember that. Compromise wasn't glamorous, it was't romantic, it wasn't passionate, but it was necessary and it was the bedrock of a solid relationship, and he and Jon had found a workable set over the past two years...and even though it wasn't perfect, as if anything ever could be, it WAS working, and most of the time, working pretty well.

But. Even as he looked at Jon and felt a familiar glow of warmth and contentment spread through him, as they held hands and smiled peacefully at each other...even as he felt grateful and humbled that a man like Jon had found him worthwhile...he knew he wasn't giving up Patrick. He was addicted to the feelings Patrick brought out in him, and like any addict he would feed this addiction until forced to stop. And though that made him a cheat and a liar, he still wasn't a total bastard. Jon didn't deserve to get hurt. Neither did Patrick. He would make sure no-one got hurt. Boundaries. Compartments. He had to stick to boundaries, and he had to keep what was happening to him and Patrick in a compartment. Private, secret and fleeting...and very, very precious.

And maybe he didn't fully understand what was happening, and he didn't have all the answers to what this meant about him, what this said about his character, what it implied about his future, but what he did know was that as well as experiencing some of the most horrible feelings of guilt and self-doubt these past few months, he had also experienced some of the most acute feelings of passion, desire and obsession...and it felt...fucking great to be so alive. More alive than he'd ever felt before.

So no...he was NOT giving this up. Not just yet. Just a little longer. Just a little more of Patrick Murray. Just...more.