Commuting to work the following Wednesday morning, Kevin found himself unusually cheerful. It's wasn't that he was generally a moody git but nor did he often find himself uncontrollably grinning at strangers on public transport. He was more of an even-keeled sort of character, he liked to think. Not given to dramatic emotional swings, not given to external expressions of feelings like the bloody Americans...so finding himself this obviously happy was definitely...different.

Patrick Fucking Murray, he thought to himself. Not only was he now having an affair that he had to arrange, he had also been given a fucking homework assignment to do. A gay Top Trumps for smart phones. Stupid fucking idea. He couldn't wait.

He was actually going to start on it last night as a surprise for Patrick, but he'd got another one of his headaches. Since coming back from the Russian River on Sunday he'd been getting them every day, sometimes more than once, but he was managing them. Popping the fucking advil like candies. He had to keep that from Jon too.

He didn't care. Well...that wasn't exactly true. He did care, but...not enough. Yesterday had been pretty awesome, and as well as being addicted to having sex with Patrick, he could see himself seriously becoming addicted to making him laugh, to having Patrick look at him with that mixture of hunger and fascination that managed to be both sweet and sexy at the same time, to listening to his silly stories, to making him happy...though he knew he'd failed at that last bit when they'd got back to the office.

He didn't mean to bring Patrick down, but Patrick needed to understand that however enthusiastically they had now thrown themselves into this whole thing, they needed to be discreet. When Patrick had confessed to him that he'd told his friends Dom and Agustin about their...encounters, he had felt a strange mixture of emotions. On the one hand, he was sort of glad that Patrick found it important enough to tell them. If this was nothing but casual sex he probably wouldn't have done that, but then maybe he was wrong and they shared this sort of information with each other all the time. Kevin had no idea what any of Patrick's friends were like. Obviously he was a little annoyed as well, because Patrick was putting this affair in jeopardy by telling people, and having to give this up would make Kevin really very...sad. And then there was this unwelcome realization that there were now people out there in this world that probably thought he was a lying, cheating scumbag and who might well try to turn Patrick against him. That felt pretty shitty. Patrick had tried to assure him that his friends wouldn't judge Kevin like that, but he was just being naive. He didn't know these people, but, if they cared for Patrick they would hardly like the idea that he was being lured into an affair by his boss. Jesus, just thinking those words made him cringe.

On paper, he WAS a lying cheating scumbag who had lured an employee into an affair. But...that didn't take into account the feelings. He knew he wouldn't be able to explain to anyone, but he never saw Patrick as an employee that he could steamroller into anything. All through this it was Patrick that was setting the pace, Patrick that decided how far any of this could or would go, and Kevin felt helpless in the face of the feelings that Patrick brought up in him. He knew no one would ever understand but in reality, he felt almost that he had been seduced by Patrick. By his sweetness, his humor, his beauty, his underlying innate sensuality that he hid behind his wholesome charm and awkwardness. Fuck. That was just excuses and no one would buy them and rightly so. No one had seduced anyone. They both went into this with eyes wide open, knowing that it was wrong and that either or both of them should have resisted. So, if they were people out there who thought he was an immoral shit, they were probably right. What made it exponentially worse was that he wasn't going to stop. And he fucking hoped Patrick's friends wouldn't make him stop either.

Seeing Patrick whispering to Owen when they had returned to work from the Morwood hotel had pushed Kevin over the edge though. It was one thing to tell his friends, but Patrick HAD to know he couldn't tell anyone at work. He'd watched them chat for a few seconds through his glass office walls, but called Patrick's extension to summon him as soon as he saw Owen's horrified expression. What the fuck was Patrick telling him? He'd felt a headache starting just at the thought of the looming mess. Patrick had tried to joke about it, and eventually Kevin realized that he'd misunderstood the situation, but... Patrick HAD to realize how important discretion was. And he finally got the message through. Patrick sobered up pretty quickly, and the whole afternoon became a bit...shitty. He didn't like to see Patrick chastened. He liked him happy and laughing, like he had been earlier. He might have even called him back but the fucking headache had hit full force and by the time the advil had kicked in he had to start a round of new design meetings and then...Patrick was gone.

That evening at home with Jon was difficult too. Every word he had spoken to Jon felt false and stilted, and he was totally bewildered that Jon didn't seem to notice how awkward and uncomfortable he was feeling. But it seemed that Jon didn't find Kevin's distance particularly strange, which was a little damning in and of itself. Fortunately Jon wasn't feeling particularly amorous this evening, so Kevin didn't have to deal with the issue of not wanting to have sex. It was usually him that initiated anyway, having the stronger sex drive of the two of them, so again Jon didn't seem to realize that anything was wrong, and Kevin had to live with the guilt of duping an intelligent, trusting man who at best would live his life in ignorance, and at worst, would one day feel the horror of betrayal and the humiliation of having been a fool.

And the fact that he was feeling happy the very next morning, that was probably something he'd never be able to make anyone understand. That despite a sour afternoon and a pretty shitty evening, the time he had spent with Patrick at the Morwood had been so totally fucking worth any of that crap that came after.

The arrangements had been easy to make, finding a hotel barely 15 minutes away, but still in a part of town that no-one they knew would ever be in. He couldn't wait to tell Patrick, but he also wanted to surprise him, so he hadn't mentioned anything all morning. For the first time he was grateful for the stupid glass box of an office they had given him, because he got to watch Patrick's reaction as he read the text Kevin sent him, instructing him to meet him at the bus stop in 30 minutes. Patrick's back had straightened and he'd turned instantly to search for Kevin in his office, his expression of shock and disbelief eventually giving way to a sly grin as he caught Kevin's eyes. He had turned back to his computer, but 15 minutes later had casually walked out of the office, with just one quick glance and smile back into Kevin's cube.

The bus ride to the hotel had been tense, but the type of tense that was delicious and excruciating at the same time. They had sat next to each other but kept very much to their own physical space, as if just the slightest touch might set them off. Kevin had been pretty silent. Feeling nervous made him less talkative than usual, which of course, was the exact opposite of Patrick who seemed to find it necessary to fill every spare second with chatter. He mostly talked about the project and office gossip, neutral subjects that would sound innocuous to anyone overhearing them. Kevin would nod and smile in all the right places, but he was barely listening, and Patrick must have known it because he eventually trailed off and just sat staring ahead, rubbing his hands repeatedly on his thighs. Kevin wanted to comfort him, but he was too wound up himself to be of any use. This was a fucking huge step. He was more than ready.

Checking into the hotel he could practically feel the hum of energy coming off Patrick, who could barely keep still and was almost bouncing on his toes. The walk to the room seemed fucking endless, and still they kept a respectful distance between them, though everyone they met in the hallways would obviously know exactly what they were here for. Even once they got into the room, Patrick couldn't stop moving, walking straight to the window and peering out, then making a quick tour of the bathroom before coming out and standing awkwardly by the bed, clenching and unclenching his hands into fists. Kevin had removed his jacket and thrown it and his backpack onto a chair, but otherwise had remained with his back to the door, watching him. Patrick had copied Kevin almost on autopilot, throwing his own jacket and bag on the table. Then, they stood standing there for a few seconds just staring at each other, until Kevin's heart had finally calmed down enough for him to be able to give Patrick a genuine, full-on, happy grin. As if a switch had been flipped, Patrick seemed to just...wind down, to finally relax, and the smile he gave Kevin...it was a thing of beauty.

Patrick had walked up to Kevin by the door, leaving barely an inch between them.

'I know I asked for a bed' he whispered, his lips lightly grazing Kevin's 'but I think I want to start right here first'. And with that, he'd dropped to his knees, unzipped Kevin's pants and took him in his mouth with one smooth motion. Kevin's head dropped back against the door, and he steadied himself with one hand on Patrick's head and the other on the wall. Fuck...he wasn't going to last two minutes if Patrick didn't stop, but Patrick seemed to have no intention of doing that at all.

'Stop' he tried to tug Patrick away, gripping his hair. 'I don't want to cum yet' he panted.

Patrick leaned back on his heels and looked up at him, eyes glossy, mouth wet and glistening...

'What's your recovery time?' he asked. Kevin's brain stuttered.

'What?'

Patrick just raised an eyebrow while taking Kevin's cock in his hand and stroking it leisurely.

'I want you to cum like this, then I want you to fuck me. Can you do that in the time we have?'

Kevin nodded, speechless.

'Then stop pulling me off you' he said and got back to giving Kevin the most glorious blow job ever. He had such a fricking talented mouth. That oral fixation thing was going to be the death of Kevin...but what a way to go. This time the hand clenched in Patrick's hair was to keep his head in place rather than to tug him off.

'Fuck...I'm gonna cum' he managed to say, warning Patrick, giving him the chance to pull away. Patrick jumped up and grabbing Kevin away from the door, turned him round and tore off Kevin's t-shirt before pushing him to the bed. He grabbed Kevin's cock and stroked him fiercely, as he started kissing his way up Kevin's chest, to his nipple which he licked lightly before biting down on it gently.

'Shit...I'm coming' Kevin gasped, and Patrick ground his mouth down onto Kevin's, taking all his groans and sighs deep into his mouth as Kevin came all over himself. Not letting go of Kevin's cock, he slowed down the strokes and leisurely petted him, while he continued to kiss Kevin, alternating between light licks with his tongue and small bites. God...that mouth.

'Fuck' Kevin panted. He felt boneless, unable to move, totally spent.

'Don't get too comfortable' Patrick growled in his ear. 'You still have work to do'. Kevin laughed as Patrick smiled his sly, sexy half smile. Then, with a quick kiss, Patrick jumped up and started pulling off his own clothes, treating Kevin to a show that he enjoyed thoroughly and which substantially helped shorten his recovery time.

Kevin had wondered briefly if sex in a bed with Patrick would turn out to be less exciting than the more illicit sex they'd had to this point, on the floor, against a tree, but it didn't take very long for him to realize the answer was a resounding no. And this time, as well as all the noises, the panting, moaning, the whispered pleas to go faster, deeper, harder...as well as all that sensory overload, they were fucking in the daylight, with sun streaming in and illuminating Patrick's body, his face... and Kevin got to watch Patrick's eyes widen with astonished pleasure, got to watch him gasping as he reached for his climax, trying to keep his eyes open and focussed on Kevin but unable to do anything but close them at the very end as he arched up to find Kevin's mouth with his own and just devour his lips. Nothing ordinary about sex in a bed with Patrick...

And then the post-sex lingering had been...revelatory. Patrick was always energized after sex, and getting to lie there, comfortably, while Patrick happily chatted away was the icing on this particular, delicious cake. Kevin found himself sharing a simple story, of a childhood crush, a sudden realization of his own sexuality, a silly boy band infatuation, and Patrick was...enchanted. That full focus that he gave, the desire he showed to know every stupid little detail, that was such a sweet gift. The man loved to talk about himself, but he also loved to listen, soaking up every bit of information shared as if he couldn't get enough. That was how he had been before, when they used to spend their weekends working together. Fascinating and fascinated.

Kevin had made the mistake of telling Patrick about the ridiculously embarrassing dance he had made up to a Take That song from ages ago, and he could tell Patrick really wanted to see the dance, but also held back from insisting, for which he was grateful, because really, it was just too fucking embarrassing and Kevin felt suddenly just a little too...exposed. But after, as he reflected back on their time in the hotel, he couldn't help but wonder if Patrick had maybe felt...un-entitled to ask for more from Kevin. He had been sexually aggressive, but emotionally, he had not pushed. Boundaries and compartments.

Kevin had distracted him by showing him the Top Trumps game he had spoken to him about weeks ago, when they had been in their close, sharing phase. He had bought the game off e-bay hoping to surprise Patrick with it on one of their weekend working marathons, but then...Richie had happened, and then all the rest of it, so...he had just put the game away. Today, their first official planned encounter had seemed like the perfect time to show Patrick, and as expected, he had fallen in love with the game, and then, totally NOT as expected, had somehow talked Kevin into a project where they would be building a smart phone app together based on the old game, but with a gay twist. He just couldn't say no to him, except when it came to showing him that dance, but that was more about feeling like a total wanker, dancing for someone...just a little too raw.

The bus ride back to the office had been a lot more relaxed and fun, now that they had gotten all the initial awkwardness and tension out of the way, and Kevin had hoped the satisfied happy glow would continue and last at least until he got home...to face Jon, but, then all that crap had happened, about who now knew and who didn't, and what they knew, and who couldn't be told... and he had had to burst Patrick's little bubble of happiness by reminding him that this was, after all, an affair that had to be kept secret, hidden...and the day had turned to shit.

But all that time together in the hotel, that had been magical, and that's why Kevin was in a good mood today. Because he knew he could have more of that, and would have more of it as soon as he could. Not just the sex, but the whole lovely package. The laughing and the teasing, and the sharing and the understanding. As much of it as he could get, that's how much he wanted.

He had settled down to look over some progress reports, when he heard the door open to his office, and Patrick walked in. Fuck. He couldn't deny that he loved to see Patrick, but he really needed to get some work done after having spent most of yesterday afternoon either away from the office or trying to work through a blinding headache.

'Hey' Patrick had said simply.

'Err, you can't come in and tease me like this Patrick' Kevin chided. 'Lunch is still hours away.'

'I'm not hungry'

'Fantastic, neither am I' he replied offhandedly, trying to focus on the status reports. God...he was so behind on his work...Patrick was going to be very bad for his concentration if he didn't enforce some discipline.

'I lost my appetite when I was getting my H.I.V. test.' Patrick spoke seriously.

Kevin's felt nothing for a glorious second as the words took a moment to penetrate his brain, and then...pure panic rushed through his entire body as he turned to stare at Patrick. What...?

'Why were you getting an H.I.V. test?' he managed to ask, his heart now racing

'Because I freaked out. Because this is clearly freaking me out.'

He was freaked out? What the fuck happened? Why did he get an aids test? What was...happening?

'What is?' he asked, again, barely able to put his thoughts into words.

'This. Us. Sitting in this glass box, pretending we're not fucking.'

Jesus christ...Kevin didn't know what to deal with first. Patrick was freaking out, but was he sick? Kevin just didn't understand...he had to put things in order.

'Ok, hang on. What is your status?' he asked, barely breathing...

'I'm negative' Fuck...thank fucking god. But Patrick was continuing...'What about you? I don't even know if you're positive or negative'

Jesus, the adrenaline was actually making him feel sick. The thought of anything being wrong...then putting himself and, worse, Jon in jeopardy...christ...he had to pull himself together.

'Jesus Christ Patrick. I'm negative, Patrick. Does that make you feel any better?' he couldn't help but feel pissed at himself along with the overwhelming sense of relief that was now coursing through him. They were all Ok. No one was sick. They were OK, but Jesus, they were lucky...who the fuck still had unprotected sex in this day and age?

'No actually, it doesn't' Oh right. Patrick and his freak out. Kevin had barely recovered from the shock of the aids scare, and now he had to deal with this...He had to calm himself the fuck down, and then, he had to somehow figure out what to do with Patrick.

'Kevin, what are we doing?' Patrick asked, in a voice he had never heard before. He really was on a razor thin edge. Kevin had never seen him so serious, so determined. He could try to placate Patrick with simple reassurances, pretty half-lies, platitudes, but...he deserved more from Kevin.

'I don't know' Which was the fucking awful god damned truth. He didn't know what he was doing. He only knew what he wanted. Which was for this not to end.

'Well I don't know either. But why do I feel so alone in this?'

No. That wasn't fair. Could he really think that? That Kevin wasn't as much a part of this as Patrick was? That he didn't have the same conflicted feelings? That he didn't feel torn and guilty but still unable to stop? Could he really believe that? Hadn't Kevin shown him...?

'Well you're not alone in this Patrick because I'm a fucking mess. Ok? I'm getting these fucking migraines which I've not had since I was a kid...which come to think of it was the last time I had to hide...how I was feeling' There...he couldn't make it any clearer. Cards on the fucking table.

'Well I'm sorry that you're having migraines but that does make me feel a little bit better'

Kevin chuckled wryly. Good old Patrick. Couldn't, or wouldn't, hide how he was feeling.

'Jesus. You're not alone in this. Next time you freak out, don't fucking panic and have an aids test. Call me. Ok?'

'Ok' Patrick had answered, still somewhat despondent and obviously not yet ready to put this behind them. What had happened between yesterday and today? He knew Patrick had been upset at the reminder to be discreet, but...there must be something more to it than that. He seemed very alone. Very withdrawn. Like that post-Richie Patrick he hoped he'd never see again, but different, as if he was scared of this thing between them and suddenly vulnerable. Did he feel vulnerable to Kevin? All this time Kevin had felt he was the one who was at the mercy of Patrick's whim, but...could Patrick feel the same? He had to show him that he was safe, that Kevin didn't want to hurt him, that he really...cared about him.

And it suddenly seemed obvious what he could do. He wasn't very good with words, not like Patrick, and anything he said now would just sound opportunistic, but...he could give something to Patrick he knew he wanted. A small thing, but something Patrick knew wasn't really particularly small at all. Could he do it? Could he expose himself, embarrass himself, more completely now here in this fucking glass cubicle than he would have back at the hotel?

For Patrick? Yes.

'I remembered the uhm...the dance moves to my routine.' He ventured..shyly. Ahh...a little smile.

'Your routine?'

'D'you wanna see it?' he asked casually. Now Patrick was intrigued...

'Now?' Patrick seemed disbelieving.

'Yeah'

Patrick looked around, obviously noting all the people in the office...totally engaged and finally seeming a little happier.

'Yeah. Really?'

'Fuck it'. Kevin got up and gave himself a mental shaking. This would be excruciating, but worth it if he could make Patrick happy and feel more secure about...them.

'All right. This is for you.' He hoped Patrick got the message. He hoped this humiliation would be worth it. Patrick's delighted laugh before he had even started gladdened Kevin's heart and gave him the confidence he needed to go through with this...horrifying ordeal.

'Shh...I need to concentrate' he joked...and then...fuck it, leap of faith...he started his dance.

And yes, those outside the cubicle looked in and stopped to watch, but more importantly, Patrick was enchanted, and laughing and clapping. Like he had been given the best present ever.

'Wow' he grinned.

'Thank you, thank you' Kevin clowned before he took his seat, glad that it was over. 'See...that was worth the wait' he turned back to his computer, trying to calm himself down, bring his racing heart under control. But he heard Patrick say quietly...

'Yes it was' and he was glad. It looked like they'd survived this crisis. Somehow he'd known what to do. What Patrick needed. And that was reward enough.

'God I feel like a total dick. I'm sweating' he laughed, looking over at Patrick, who seemed to be staring at him with some sort of wonder. Fucking roller coaster ride. In just two days he'd felt the most extreme emotions from the heights of sexual pleasure and the joys of genuine connection, to the lows of guilt, self recriminations, fear...was this what having an affair with Patrick Murray was going to be like? Fuck it...bring it on. Totally worth it.