Chapter XXXIV
Enjolras didn't know how long he stayed on his knees. Time seemed all at once to fly and drag endlessly on. If he had any strength left, he would have barreled straight back into the bedroom, but he seemed to be frozen in place; he was stuck, drifting in a void. Sounds were distant, coming at him through a vacuum. He had never felt so completely alone, so empty. He was convinced, in the blackest part of his soul, that both of them, his beautiful wife and innocent child, were dead.
And it was what he deserved. It was fitting that this would be the end for him. Fitting that he would be allowed such exquisite happiness for so short a time only to have it ripped away. He knew, once he had truly surrendered and let down his walls, and given in so completely to life and happiness, that it wouldn't last. It was why he had always been so reluctant to become attached to another person, to let a woman love him and know him. Happiness wasn't meant to be forever, or to even last for a lifetime.
He was meant to die on the barricade. Why hadn't he died on the barricade, fighting for those ideals and values which seemed so simple in comparison to this, this all consuming love and passion for another person? His Patria had never made him feel so desperate, so confused and confounded. He should have died fighting for her. If he had, Gabrielle would still be alive, and safe, living her life without him. Yes, she would have been alone...but she would have been alive.
Enjolras had killed her, as surely as he had killed all of his other friends. And it would still kill him yet, he knew.
He felt a hand on his shoulder which he knew must belong to Marius, but he didn't even have the willpower to shrug it away. It provided no comfort, anyway; what did he care whether Marius tried to help him or not?
After a few minutes, the bedroom door slowly creaked open and Enjolras looked up, his eyes red-rimmed and glassy, filled with despair and self-hatred. Musichetta stood in the doorway, her face grave and eyes blazing. He felt anger radiating off of her in waves, and knew he deserved it. He craved it from her, wanted her to yell at him, to hit him, to make him feel something.
"I will never forgive you if both of them don't pull through this," she said quietly, but with a simmering rage behind her words.
Enjolras stilled, his breath caught in his chest. Sound came rushing back in all at once, and he could even hear the blood coursing through his body. "They...they live?"
Musichetta nodded once and said shortly, "Barely. You can come in now, Enjolras."
Enjolras stumbled to his feet in disbelief, his legs weak and wobbly beneath him. He walked slowly into the room and to Gabrielle's side, taking in the slight rise and fall of her chest. She still looked deathly pale, and was clearly not out of danger, but Enjolras felt hope spring to life inside of him again, almost painfully. It hurt to breathe, and he couldn't stop himself from laying his head on Gabrielle's chest, his tears falling softly onto her skin. He held her as tightly, but gently, as he dared. He could hear her heartbeat, faintly, under his ear, and it was the most beautiful sound he had ever heard.
"Don't jostle her, Enjolras," Joly said gently, appearing at his side. "The bleeding has stopped for now, and I don't want to take any chances of it starting again. If she loses any more blood..." Joly let his words trail off, his meaning clear.
Enjolras didn't respond, and instead pressed his lips against hers, willing her to wake up. He moved his mouth closer to her ear and said too quietly for anyone else to hear, "Come back to me, Gabrielle. I need you."
He was startled at the sudden, and very weak cry, of a baby, and his spine stiffened involuntarily. It was almost as if he had completely forgotten, didn't even remember that he now had a child. He straightened and turned a blank gaze to Cosette, who stood on the other side of the bed holding a very small bundle in her arms, wrapped in a soft blanket. She cooed softly to the baby, rocking it gently, and glanced up at Enjolras, her eyes as gentle and understanding as ever.
"You have a very beautiful little daughter, Monsieur," Cosette said in her soothing and airy tone. "She's already a very lucky little girl. And I know she must desperately want her father to hold her."
Enjolras swallowed and watched Cosette walk around the bed, stopping at his side. She reached out to give him the baby, but he quickly shook his head and took a step back. He didn't know what to do, didn't know if he could face this. He just wanted to curl up next to Gabrielle and hold her hand, talk to her until she woke up.
Cosette gave him a stern look, or as stern as she was capable of, and said quietly, "Please, Enjolras. Gabrielle would want you to hold her. This baby needs her father right now."
Finally, Enjolras nodded, feeling a bit cornered, and allowed Cosette to place the baby in his arms. She felt so light it was like holding nothing but air, and he squeezed his eyes shut tight for a moment before eventually looking down at her.
A rush of emotions hit him all at once as his gaze roamed over her fragile body, things he had absolutely never felt before. He only knew she had the most beautiful face he had ever seen, and a sudden deep and visceral feeling overtook him. It was the most overwhelming experience of his life.
She was his. Somehow, by some miracle, he had been granted the protection and keeping of this little soul that he now held in his arms. Keeping her safe and making her happy now seemed the most important thing he could ever do. Enjolras slowly sat in the chair next to the bed, his legs shaking too much to support him anymore, never taking his eyes off his daughter. He wanted to memorize her every feature.
Her skin felt incredibly soft as he ran his finger along her cheek, and she opened her mouth at his touch, her lips just like her mothers, full and pouty. The way she pursed her lips back together was already familiar, as he had seen Gabrielle do it when she was lost in thought a million times. She was actually theirs – half of them both. It was absolutely incredible. Enjolras pulled the blanket back to see a ridiculous amount of dark, almost jet-black hair covering her head, and smiled. Strange how just a few minutes ago he thought he would never smile again. Of course their child would have a head full of hair – both he and Gabrielle had enough to spare for three other people.
The baby's nose was so tiny Enjolras could barely believe it, and he gently pulled one of her arms out of the blanket to look at her hand. It looked incredibly small against his finger and he leaned down and kissed it softly, already enamored as his daughter's tiny fingers curled around his own in the weakest of grips. He ran his finger along her skin and felt tears tightening his throat. God, she was beautiful...
Enjolras looked up at Gabrielle, wishing more than anything that she would wake up to hold her daughter. His gaze drifted around the room and he realized he was now alone; his friends had all left, giving him privacy in his dual time of grief and ecstasy. He wondered how he could possibly feel so elated and terrified all at once, but he did.
"You don't even have a name," he mumbled, looking back down at the baby. "I don't know what your mother wants to call you."
He frowned and shifted the baby so her head rested in his hand, the rest of her body cradled on his arm. He had a better view of her this way, and thought he could have stared at her for hours. He had actually thought quite a bit about names; he knew that if the baby had been a boy, they would have called it Alexandre Julien, for Gabrielle's brother and his dear friend, Combeferre. But he hadn't thought of a name for a little girl, and didn't want to call her something Gabrielle would hate, or something that didn't fit. Her name needed to be perfect, just like she was.
"I suppose you'll just have to be nameless until your mother wakes up," Enjolras sighed, and almost as if she was outraged at the idea, the baby opened her eyes, blinking slowly, and stared at him. Enjolras sucked in a breath as he saw his own eyes looking back: they were the same shape and the same grayish blue, the color of the foam on the ocean, or a stormy summer sky. He felt as connected to this little girl as he ever had to anyone or anything else in his life, and it was completely and totally overwhelming. He imagined it had to be even more so for Gabrielle, who had actually carried her for nine months. That had to form an incredible bond, even before birth.
His chest constricted again at the fact that she wasn't awake to share this with him, to enjoy their daughter. Enjolras felt tears fill his eyes and he pulled the baby closer to him, cradling her against his chest. He cried silently for several minutes, and soon, the baby joined in, her mewling cries soon turning into full blown wails.
Enjolras tried to quiet her, but to no avail, and he was reminded once again that he had absolutely no idea what he was doing. Cosette soon entered the room to help him, and he felt grateful for the rescue. He didn't care at all that tears still stained his cheeks, and Cosette was too kind to mention it. She knelt by the chair and reached out to lay a hand on the baby's back, rubbing small circles.
"She's most likely hungry, Enjolras," Cosette said quietly, and Enjolras turned a confused gaze to the young woman.
"How will she eat?" Enjolras asked worriedly. "If Gabrielle can't feed her?"
"Well..." Cosette sighed and offered gently, "I'm still nursing Jean. I could do it, Enjolras, I don't mind. If not me, we'll have to find someone else who can."
Enjolras was silent for a minute – he didn't know how Gabrielle would feel about it, but it seemed like the only and best option he had. He finally nodded and let Cosette take the baby. It physically hurt to see them leave the room, and an unexpected anger washed over him. It should be Gabrielle nursing their baby; she would be so disappointed and hurt if she couldn't.
Enjolras rose and walked around the other side of the bed, climbing in next to Gabrielle as carefully as he could not to move her too much. Every bone in his body ached with exhaustion. He just needed to be beside her, needed to be right there if she woke up. He watched her breathe for several minutes, satisfied she was still out of immediate danger, and took her hand. He kissed it reverently and scooted as close to her as he dared, soothingly rubbing her arm.
He didn't know if she could hear him or not, but he began to talk. He described their daughter and how it felt to hold her, how much he wanted, needed Gabrielle to wake up to take care of them both, and how much he loved her. Time had no meaning as he spoke, and Enjolras talked until he fell asleep.
Enjolras woke in the morning to his mother's soft touch on his brow.
"Antoine? Wake up, darling."
Enjolras blinked awake and looked slowly around the room. When had his mother arrived? He was still in his soiled and bloodstained clothes from the day before. He felt wretched, as though he hadn't slept at all, though he knew he had. Tentatively, he reached out a hand and felt Gabrielle's still form beside him on the bed.
"She's alive, Antoine, don't worry." His mother answered his unspoken question immediately. Enjolras nodded faintly, but didn't let go of Gabrielle's hand. It's warmth was comforting, though he found he still had no desire to move, not until she woke up.
"Come now. You need to rise and begin your day. You have quite a bit to learn about caring for a newborn baby," Marie said gently. "Don't you want to spend some time with your daughter?"
"You can bring her to me here," Enjolras said stubbornly. "I'm not leaving Gabrielle."
Marie sighed and contemplated him for a minute. "Fine, we'll compromise. You get up, bathe, and put some fresh clothes on. Then you can stay with Gabrielle as long as you want to. With the baby."
"Fine." Enjolras rose, his movements automatic. By the time he was actually finished bathing, dressing, and eating breakfast, he found he had no memory of doing any of it. His thoughts alternated between his wife and his child, and there was no room for anything else. He sank down into a chair next to the bed and was startled from his contemplation by a soft, high-pitched whimpering near his feet.
The baby was in her cradle near the bed, the one he had picked out and purchased, and was awake. Her tight swaddle had been loosened by her movements and her little arms flailed helplessly, her hands balled into fists. It seemed she didn't like the freedom, like she wanted to feel the protection and confinement of being tightly wrapped in her blanket. Enjolras understood that at the moment, considering he wanted to bury himself under the blankets of the bed and stay submerged until everything went back to normal. It had to go back to normal.
The baby's face was steadily turning red as she readied herself to let out what Enjolras was sure would be an almighty wail. He quickly bent down and picked her up, trying to tighten the blanket around her. She settled immediately in his arms, her color returning to normal, and looked up at him, her blue eyes heavy with sleep.
He held her silently for several minutes, rocking her gently in his arms. They were lost in a staring match and he was fascinated watching the few expressions she had flit across her face. At times she looked serene and peaceful, and in a second, she would scrunch up her little face, her nose and brow furrowed, and seem about to scream...but then she would yawn or wiggle, and settle down again. She was just a baby, he knew, but to him, she seemed the most interesting creature on the planet. There could absolutely never be another human as wonderful. The rational side of him knew that most fathers probably felt this way about their children, but he also knew he tended to feel things more deeply and more completely, than most people. It may have taken him a while to give in and surrender, both to falling in love with Gabrielle and accepting that they were having a child, but once he did, he gave in completely.
His daughter would have it rough as she grew up, with Enjolras breathing down her neck; he already knew it would be hard for him to ever let her go. The thought made him smile, as he wondered what kind of values he and Gabrielle would instill in her. What kind of person would she become? Would she ever find a man worthy of her? He knew she would be highly intelligent, probably extremely independent, and most definitely, outspoken. There wouldn't be many people who deserved her affection. Enjolras already knew all of this about her, about this tiny baby in his arms, yet he didn't even know her name.
"It's strange," he finally said quietly, more to himself than to the baby, "I avoided women my whole life, and now I live with two of them..." He smiled crookedly and sighed, glancing up at Gabrielle. He was happy to see her cheeks looked rosier today, and took that as a good sign. She had to wake up soon. He couldn't stand spending another night alone.
Enjolras stood, cradling the baby against his chest, and looked down at Gabrielle. "You have to wake up," he said quietly. "I have no idea what I'm doing, Gabrielle."
He laid the baby next to Gabrielle and climbed into the bed, keeping the baby safely in between them. He took Gabrielle's hand and kissed it gently. Enjolras rested both of their hands on the baby and sighed, resigning himself to wait however long it took for Gabrielle to wake up. He would wait for her forever.
Gabrielle struggled through the darkness. It was vast, it was completely black, and it was all around her, an endless, torturous void. Her heart beat frantically in her chest as she stumbled forward, hands stretched in front of her so as not to run into anything. How could it be so dark? She couldn't even tell if her eyes were open; there wasn't the slightest pinprick of light to guide her way. Where was she? And where was she even going?
She didn't know, but her feet moved interminably forward, anyway, echoing noisily against the stones beneath her. The sounds seemed to bounce off of something – buildings, perhaps? - but she never ran into anything, no matter where she shuffled to. For all she knew, however, she could be going in an endless circle. She was completely lost. Maybe if she just stopped, just sat down and refused to move again, something would happen...but no, that thought, of being stuck here in this darkness, alone, forever, was more terrifying. If she kept moving, just kept going, maybe she would find something.
A feeling of desolation crept steadily upon her the longer she walked. She knew she was absolutely alone, without another living soul anywhere near. It felt doubly horrible considering she hadn't been alone at all for the last nine months; she had carried her baby inside of her, felt the stirrings of life in her belly, and had always had someone to talk to. She had never felt alone. Now she felt empty, lifeless. Limp. And she wanted her baby. Where was her baby?
The longer she walked, the more tired she grew. It would be so easy to just give up, give in to the darkness all around her. If she just closed her eyes and let herself be still, she would be able to rest. She would be able to sleep. She knew it. And it would feel so good, to just stop thinking for a little while...
Even as the thought entered her mind, a tiny spot of light appeared in the distance. It flickered like a candle, and Gabrielle felt hope spring up inside of her again.
"Antoine?" she called softly. She knew he would be looking for her; he would never give up on her, never let her wander through the darkness alone for very long. It had to be him.
"Antoine?" she called again, her weary steps echoing faster, moving towards the light.
There was no answer, though the light grew brighter and larger the closer she got. She began to see the faint outline of buildings on either side of her, and realized she was walking the streets of Paris, though they were eerily empty, and seemed...fake, somehow. False. There was no sky above, no stirrings of wind or nature. She had never felt or seen anything like it.
Gabrielle slowed to a walk as the light, and the building it was emanating from, grew larger. It was crooked, dilapidated, and looked close to collapse, though she knew it would probably still be standing in another hundred years, despite its decrepit appearance. The light from the second story window of the Musain burned steadily, and as she stood in the street and watched, a dark shadow passed in front of the window. It wasn't Enjolras – she knew his form inside and out, had memorized his every curve and angle.
It was her brother.
He stopped in front of the window and looked down at her, bathed in shadow. She thought she saw a smile flicker across his face as he gazed at her, but he said nothing, just beckoned her forward.
Gabrielle hesitated as she moved to cross the threshold into the building. Would she be able to come out again?
Honestly, she didn't know, but the temptation of seeing and speaking to her brother was too much, and Gabrielle quickly bounded up the back staircase, heedless of their still precarious state. "Alexandre! Is it really you?"
Feuilly turned away from the window to face her and opened his arms in a shrug. "As far as I know, it is still me." He gave her a soft, almost sad smile, and held out his hand to her. "Is it really you, Gabrielle?"
"Yes..." Gabrielle said slowly, and stepped across the room in three quick strides to embrace him. He felt wonderfully solid against her, not a ghost at all, but real flesh and blood. She hugged him tightly, clinging to his shoulders, and breathed in his familiar scent: paint, ink, and parchment, and the smell of the soap he always used. "Oh, Alexandre, how I missed you."
"I know," he said softly. "I miss you, too, Gabrielle." He pulled away to cup her face gently and looked searchingly into her eyes. "You don't look like a little girl anymore. Marriage, and motherhood, agrees with you."
Her eyes darkened at the word "motherhood" and Gabrielle sucked in a breath, a sudden realization washing over her.
"I...does being here...this place...am I dead? Did I die?" she whispered, stumbling over her words. Panic gripped her lungs and made it hard to breathe.
Feuilly grasped her shoulders firmly, but his voice was steady. "I can't answer that fully, sister. I don't know. I think...well, I think it is up to you."
"Up to me? How can it be up to me?" she asked, exasperated. "As much as I want to see you, I want...I want to go back," she said desperately. "Where is Antoine? And my baby? I need to see them, Alexandre..." Her voice trailed off, choked with tears, and Feuilly looked at her sadly.
"They're fine, Gabrielle. Enjolras is fine. He's taking care of your daughter. You could stay here with me, you know. And it would be alright."
Gabrielle blanched and pulled away roughly. "Alright? No, it would most certainly not be alright! I want...I want to live! I want to be with my husband!"
Feuilly pulled a chair over and gestured for her to sit, which she did reluctantly. "I see it wasn't easy, bringing your child into the world," he said softly. "Or you wouldn't be here."
Gabrielle closed her eyes, remembering the pain, the blood, and the horrible, desperate look in Antoine's eyes as she had given birth to their daughter. She remembered everything, every moment, every struggle, every push...and yet, she still hadn't held her baby.
"I can't stay here," she said again, more firmly this time.
"It's safe here," Feuilly said. "Nothing will hurt you. Nothing will hurt at all."
"I don't care," Gabrielle said stubbornly. "You don't understand, Alexandre...Antoine needs me. And I need him. He can't...he won't..." She stopped and took a deep breath, and finished quietly. "He won't be okay without me. Not really."
Feuilly smiled and took her hand, squeezing it gently. "I know. You love each other."
Gabrielle nodded, clinging to his hand. "I wish you could go back with me."
Feuilly laughed and said jovially, "Ah, but I am actually dead, Gabrielle...and you are not."
"Are you alright? Is...everyone...alright?"
Feuilly nodded, his eyes searching her face. "Yes, everyone is alright. Enjolras knows that, as well. And, Gabrielle, you have to know how happy I am that you two found each other. I always thought, or wondered, if you would be good for him...and you are."
"I don't remember life without him," Gabrielle admitted.
"Then you need to get back."
"How?" Gabrielle sighed and glanced towards the window. "It was just darkness, everywhere. I couldn't see anything, or feel anything, or hear anything...not until I saw the light in the window. How do I find my way?"
Feuilly sighed and shook his head. "I don't know, Gabrielle. I don't know."
They sat in silence for several minutes, until Gabrielle abruptly threw her arms around his neck, hugging him tightly. "I think I have to go, Alexandre."
"I know." He pressed his lips to her forehead and gave her a sad smile. "I'll see you again, someday."
Tears blurred her vision at having to say goodbye to her brother for a second time, but Gabrielle nodded and rose, giving his hand a final squeeze. "Until next time," she said quietly, and slipped quickly down the stairs and out the door of the Musain.
The longer she stayed, the more complacent she felt, and she knew that was wrong. That was bad. She had to keep moving, even if it was only through the darkness. Eventually, Antoine would find her. Gabrielle moved away from the light, leaving it firmly at her back, and kept trekking through the silent streets of Paris. Eventually, she was swallowed by the darkness again. She welcomed the pain in her feet and legs; surely there was no pain in death, so she must be alive, if her body hurt so much.
She kept going, moving ever forward, and felt the ground begin to rise beneath her, sloping upward. It was the first change she had noticed, and it gave her a rejuvenated energy. Her steps became quicker and more sure as she broke into a jog.
"Antoine," she mumbled, and kept saying his name, like a mantra, keeping her moving. She felt that string that connected her to him, deep inside of her, and pulled, stumbling a bit on the now steep slope.
All at once, sounds came rushing back to her ears; she could hear a bird chirping, and laughter in the distance, the sound of a carriage on the street...and she could hear him saying her name, feel his touch on her face.
The darkness receded as Gabrielle blinked awake with a gasp. The first thing she heard was her baby's cry, and Enjolras whispering words of love and encouragement in her ear, and she smiled. She had made it home.
Shit, guys. I apologize. I thought I would be done with this chapter by Tuesday and have it posted...but then life intervened and threw a HORRIBLE week at me, filled with an anxiety attack and other issues. And it sucked. And I slept for 16 hours on Friday night, and didn't write at all on Saturday, and then could BARELY write this today. I don't know if it's exactly how I wanted it, if I was able to convey the right emotions through my slightly numb haze over here. But I wanted to get it out because of the overwhelming and awesome response I got to that last chapter.
WOW. You guys were pissed. lol PLEASE, please, please, I beg of you...leave me a review for this one. Let me know what you think, and if I've redeemed myself for that horrible cliffhanger I left y'all with last time. :)
THANK YOU for reading. It makes me really happy to see so many people who reviewed from the beginning STILL reading and reviewing, and I can't thank you enough! (And really sad that a couple others seem to have left me! :( Bummer.) And I heard from people last time that hadn't reviewed before, too, so THANK YOU!
There's only one chapter left, and then the epilogue. :) I can't believe it...