The following Monday evening
Right. So THAT happened. Kevin stood perfectly still, staring unfocused at the empty space where Patrick had stood seconds ago. There was a blessed numbing quality to standing in the middle of a packed room of strangers, with toneless music blasting through the air, and the humming buzz of a 100 conversations swirling around him. He really hoped the numb feeling would last for a nice long time because he was very worried that as soon as it wore off he was going to be in a world of fucking pain.
Oh...look. Joy of joys. As his eyes focused he saw Agustin and Richie in the distance, both with similar scowls, staring right at him. Should he smile? Nod? Wave at them? Shouldn't he do something other than just stand there, motionless? Was he capable of doing anything other than just stand there, motionless? He was a little scared that if he moved something might break. Which was ridiculous. Right? He had to pull his shit together. But then again...did he really? Because wouldn't pulling his shit together mean he had to process what had just happened? And why the fuck would he ever want to do that? No...it was better to just stand here...and wait.
Wait for what? Patrick to come back? That sure as fuck wasn't going to happen. Was it? No...it wasn't. But...he couldn't help but wait...just a little longer. For it to be totally impossible. For it to be completely inconceivable. Because if there was a chance...then what? What the fuck would Patrick come back for anyway. He couldn't have made it any clearer what he thought of this whole situation. But...maybe Kevin had misunderstood him, maybe he wasn't walking away, but was just leaving the club, expecting Kevin to follow him, because surely, after everything Patrick had said about dreaming of a future, after what Kevin had told him about his same dream...surely Patrick couldn't just walk away like that. That easily. That finally. That just seemed...impossible. Was he waiting for Kevin to run after him?
Oh shit...no. There was the first crack in the lovely cocoon of numbness.
'You stupid, fucking, dipshit' Kevin thought to himself. He closed his eyes, wanting to hold on for a few more precious seconds to the total lack of feeling. When he opened them again, he saw Agustin walking towards him. He waited. What the fuck else was there to do?
'Where did Patrick go?' Agustin asked him, suspicion and distrust clear in his tone.
Kevin shrugged. Not quite able to talk.
'What happened? What did you say to him?' Agustin pressed, getting closer into Kevin's space. For a small guy he was certainly threatening enough when he wanted to be. And he could always call for re-inforcments from the huge Eddie guy, and the wonderfully muscular Richie. That might be fun. Having the shit beaten out of him. Might make him focus on something else for a little while rather than the horrible thoughts that were beginning to crowd his head.
Patrick was gone. He had walked out. He had left him. Everything was over.
Whatever look came over his face, it was enough to make Agustin take a step back. Agustin reached out a hand and put it gently on Kevin's arm.
'Are you ok man?' he asked. Concern replacing the antagonism of a moment ago. Kevin looked at the hand on his arm. He was confused for a moment. Agustin was Patrick's friend. Why wasn't he spitting in Kevin's face? Oh...wait. Agustin knew Patrick well. Maybe Agustin could help explain some things to Kevin. Maybe he could help explain how Patrick was able to walk away so easily. How Patrick could say that he dreamt of a future with him just this morning and then could turn around and leave him standing there...his fucking heart broken into a fucking thousand pieces...
Oh right. It was because Kevin had a boyfriend. Or rather because Kevin STILL had a boyfriend...because yesterday it hadn't been a barrier to Patrick, but tonight apparently, it was a deal breaker. After more than two years with Jon, Kevin had been given all of half a day to turn his whole life upside before Patrick decided that he wasn't worth waiting for.
Ahhh...This was nice. Anger. Resentment. So much better than heartbreak and remorse. So much easier than guilt. This is what he should feed on. None of that soft mushy stuff. Patrick was an inconsiderate little prick who obviously hadn't felt very much at all for Kevin, giving up at the first hurdle. He didn't stay and fight for him. Come to think of it he hadn't even asked Kevin to give up Jon in the first place. No. That was all Kevin's wonderful idea. Patrick was probably relieved that Kevin hadn't been able to go through with it today. He probably had just wanted a fling and was now looking for a quick way out. Couldn't be easy to tell your boss that you didn't want to fuck him anymore. The fucking bastard.
'Kevin. Kevin! What's happened?' Agustin was shaking his arm.
Oh right.
Back to the real world. Where Patrick was a nice young man who had decided that he didn't want to have an affair with a cheating piece of shit any more. Where Patrick had chosen to do the right thing and walk away from a situation that was getting harder and harder to justify...The world in which Kevin's life had just fallen apart, through nobody's fault but his own.
Kevin smiled grimly at Agustin. He was about ready to be able to function again. He thought he was probably capable of speaking without breaking down. He should at least give it a try.
'Ask Patrick' he said. Good...he could talk. And with that, he turned around and left Agustin standing there. He made his way out into the nice brisk evening. And if he couldn't help but look around for Patrick for just one lovely second of hope...well, he should cut himself some slack. He had days and days ahead of him for misery and heartache. He would take any little joy wherever he could. And who knew, maybe he would get lucky and he would wake up in the morning and not give a shit. And if it took more than one night, maybe it wouldn't be too much longer. After all it had taken only two days for his heart to go from full and happy to broken and bleeding on the ground. Maybe it would only take two days for it heal right back up.
Wow, Kevin laughed mirthlessly at himself. Listen to him. Broken hearts lying bleeding on the ground. A last little parting gift from Patrick Fucking Murray. Turning him into a poet. Fuck. He wiped his face with the back of his hand. Look at that. Tears.
Well, that shit couldn't go on. Jon was waiting for him at home.
The previous day
Kevin was surprised. He thought Patrick would be a cheerful morning person. And certainly once he'd coaxed Patrick back into bed he'd seemed happy enough. He'd definitely participated enthusiastically as they used up the second condom lying on the bedside table. Kevin had pushed him facedown into the covers and entered him slowly, lazily, then rocked them both to a lovely orgasm. The best fucking way to start the morning. He was glad morning sex with Patrick in a bed was as good, if not better, than morning office sex had been, though it would be hard to do without this until the next opportunity presented itself. As they lay in bed recovering, Kevin was busy planning the next time he could get Patrick all to himself for a whole 24 hours like they'd just had. Maybe if THEY went away together, then they could have a whole weekend, and they could do more of the things he knew Patrick loved. Like eating. He'd love to take Patrick out for brunch and watch him stuff his face. The man fucking loved to eat. And yesterday he'd mentioned biking in Sausalito. Was that something he enjoyed? That could be fun. Biking somewhere remote, getting hot and sweaty and then splashing about in a lake or the sea or something...cooling down so they could then get all hot and sweaty again when they fucked. He should definitely figure out something so the two of them could go away somewhere. Staying in a quaint little B&B...Patrick would love that. Or even one of those cool modern boutique hotels...more Kevin's style but he was pretty sure Patrick would like it too. And they they could order breakfast in bed and have a lazy morning of not doing anything at all but eating and fucking.
Speaking of which, he'd promised Patrick a proper English breakfast, so he'd better bloody get cooking. Kevin swung himself over the side of the bed, pulling on his underwear. He looked over at Patrick, still lying on his stomach, naked, quiet. That was unusual. Where was his chatty Patrick? He ran his hand through Patrick's hair, and then gripping it, he turned Patrick's head towards him.
'Hey'
'Hey' Patrick responded, the faintest smile on his face.
'You ok?' Kevin asked.
Patrick's smile deepened, but still didn't quite reach his eyes. He turned his face and kissed Kevin's hand.
'What time do you have to leave?' Patrick asked. Kevin noted that he hadn't answered his question. But maybe he was just melancholy at the thought of their day ending. If Kevin let himself think about it he knew he would be too.
'I've got time to make us breakfast. You've got about half an hour before it's ready. Did you get the stuff on the list I texted you?'
'It's all in the fridge' Patrick reassured him. Kevin bent down to kiss his mouth, which was really all he meant to do, but...he couldn't resist the temptation of Patrick's lovely body lying there, or more specifically, his gorgeous ass, just waiting to be bitten.
'Ow' Patrick laughed, pushing him off. 'What was that for?'
'Marking my territory' Kevin grinned, then swaggered out to the kitchen.
Patrick was totally horrified by all the food Kevin prepared, but that still didn't stop him from eating it. Poor little fat baby Patrick. Kevin felt protective of the little boy he'd been and the hell he must have gone through. Still could laugh about it though. His funny Patrick. Kevin felt proud to have cooked him a meal. Jon was usually the chef, but greasy fried English food...that was Kevin's specialty.
'Bon apetit' he smiled at Patrick, before he dug in to his own feast.
'So umm...last night...' Patrick had started, hesitantly.
'You gave me the fuck of my life? Sorry...carry on' Kevin teased. But he meant it. It had been fucking amazing. Patrick was a revelation to him. He honestly couldn't say this morning if he had to choose only one way to have sex for the rest of his life if it would be him topping Patrick or Patrick topping him. Fortunately, he wouldn't have to choose, because he was totally on board with being versatile, and so, it seemed, was Patrick.
'Right, no...after that.' Patrick continued, just barely cracking a smile. 'I wasn't intentionally eavesdropping but I heard...do you and Jon call each other every night? When he's out of town?'
Kevin continued buttering his toast.
Shit.
Fuck.
Making that phone call last night from Patrick's bedroom... what the fuck was wrong with him. Patrick must have been...devastated. This wasn't where he saw the morning going. This wasn't what he had wanted for them, now.
'Err...yeah' he replied. Calmly. Was he ready for this? Would he be given the choice?
'I brought it up but we don't need to get into this right now.' Patrick backed off quickly, and in that moment Kevin realized that he didn't want him to.
Patrick had a right to answers. He deserved them. And that he was reluctant to demand them...Jesus...that made Kevin feel like crap. Didn't Patrick know his own power? How much he could ask and have Kevin give? Fuck it. He WAS ready to get into this. Right now.
'Well I think we...should'.
'Yeah me too.' Patrick said, with such intensity that Kevin knew he had made the right choice. Well at least now he knew what had been bothering Patrick this morning, which was a good thing... but at the same time...where was this going to go? Their first conversation about their situation. He was scared. Pretty fucking scared.
'Ok well errr...what do you...what do you want to know. That you don't already' He would let Patrick lead this.
'How do you feel when you go back to Jon?. After we've been together.' Ah... He should have know that Patrick's main concern would be about how wrong this was. The morality. Not about what he wanted out of their relationship, or what he could get Kevin to promise him, but...about confession. About admission of guilt. Well that bit was easy.
'Pretty fucking shitty' Kevin answered him, and the relief that Patrick's face showed...for a second Kevin felt hurt. Did Patrick think that he was heartless? That this was easy for him? After he'd told him that he was a mess? After he'd told him about the headaches? Did Patrick still think cheating on Jon didn't effect him? Jesus. What must Patrick think of him to believe that? Maybe they should have spoken about this sooner.
'I...I feel the same way. As soon as you leave.'
Ok. They both felt guilty. But they had to get beyond that. And suddenly, far from dreading the conversation, Kevin now felt an overwhelming need to make Patrick understand that this...what they had right here...this was more important than the circumstances that surrounded them. This was rare. He'd known last night, lying with Patrick in his arms on the sofa, that this was bigger than he'd ever imagined it could be. Patrick had to see that. Surely he knew it too?
'The way we are, with each other... the way we were together, last night. I don't have that with Jon.' Kevin told him, quietly, trying with each word to tell Patrick what he felt. Did Patrick understand?
He continued staring at Kevin, finally letting his anxiety show. His poor, poor Patrick. How long had he been feeling like this? Kevin took his hand, holding it tightly.
'Look, I promise you, this will sort itself.' No. That wasn't true. That wasn't what he meant. The truth was much much harder. 'I will sort it. Ok?' He promised Patrick, pointing at himself, emphasizing his words in the hope that Patrick would believe him. Have faith in him.
'I hope so.' Patrick broke the intensity of the moment. 'I hope that's true.' Not a resounding vote of confidence. But probably more than Kevin deserved.
They continued to eat their breakfast in relative silence. Kevin wished he could ask Patrick what he was thinking, because he was surprisingly inscrutable. Patrick let every emotion show on his face, but obviously only when he wanted to, because at times like this, Kevin realized, when he was feeling vulnerable and was required to put his emotions on the line, Patrick could hide and lie like the best of them.
Kevin didn't want to spend the rest of his time with Patrick thinking about Jon, though, and all the conversations that would have to happen one day, all the difficult times ahead. He wanted to enjoy this time, so rather than clean up the breakfast dishes and start gathering his stuff together, he grabbed Patrick and insisted they take a shower together. Patrick protested, but only weakly, and when they were eventually naked and under the water, Kevin did nothing but kiss him and love on his mouth and face. He wan't going to have sex, because he didn't want Patrick to think that's all he wanted from him. He wanted just this. The ability to kiss, nuzzle, graze, run his stubble against Patrick's soft cheeks, run his hands through his wet hair, hold Patrick's face in place for his kisses, hold his head to the side as he ran his tongue down his throat to suck at the soft skin at the very base. Kevin just wanted to sip the water running off Patrick's eyelashes, run his arms up and down the smooth skin of his back, and then eventually he fell to his knees and sucked Patrick's cock deep into his mouth. Patrick leant against the shower wall, his head dropped back, his hand clutching at Kevin's shorn hair as he gasped at each pull of Kevin's mouth, and sighed at each stroke of Kevin's hand across his balls, his ass, his thighs...Kevin was insatiable and sucked down every drop of cum Patrick had, leaving him limp, under the running water.
Getting up of his knees, he kissed Patrick tenderly on the mouth and they smiled at each other.
They shared a last kiss as Kevin left the apartment, Patrick hugging him close, almost reluctant to let him go. Thank christ. That was the first indication Kevin had from him that he was sharing some of the intensity of the feeling, the pain of the separation.
'I'll text you later.' Kevin promised him. 'And I'll see you tomorrow.'
'Ok' Patrick grinned. 'Cheerio' he said in his vastly improved English accent before Kevin turned away.
Kevin grinned back. 'Definitely getting better'. And he turned to go home.
Later that evening.
Kevin couldn't settle. He was restless and it was starting to get on Jon's nerves, he could tell. But mostly because Kevin wouldn't talk about it, however much Jon pressed him. Eventually Jon had given up and switched on the telly to watch the Sunday football.
'Let's go out to eat.' Kevin blurted out. He didn't want to spend the evening here just the two of them with so much welling up inside him that he was scared it would all just come spewing out.
'What? Why?' Jon was obviously reluctant.
'Why not?' Kevin pressed.
'Well, because I've just the spent the weekend 'out' eating with other people, and I was looking forward to a nice restful evening at home. You don't have to cook or anything, don't worry. We can just order in.'
'I can cook you know. It's just you don't like any of the shit I make.' Kevin shot back, feeling aggressive.
'Ok, calm down.' Jon rolled his eyes, ratcheting up Kevin's irritation even further. 'If you saw the damage that bad food can do to a body like I've seen...'
'A fucking fried meal now and then isn't going to kill you, Jon. Get off your fucking high horse.'
'Jesus' Jon was clearly confused. 'What the hell is wrong with you? You've been acting like a dick ever since I got home. If something's bothering you should just fucking tell me. Are you upset because I had to go away for the weekend? You know these conferences are important to my career, and you of all people should appreciate that.'
'What the fuck does that mean?'
'Nothing.' Jon mumbled.
'Is this about fucking Seattle again? I swear to God, Jon, you have to get over this shit. You said you were fine to come here. Remember?'
Jon laughed bitterly.
'Did I have a choice?' He asked, staring at Kevin, challenging him.
Shit. He was such a fucking arsehole. Jon had sacrificed so much for him and here Kevin was, annoyed with him because he wasn't...Patrick. All the anger, all the irritation and frustration...gone, in a second. To be replaced with an almost unbearable guilt, and along with that, most surprisingly, such an overwhelming feeling of tenderness towards Jon. He didn't deserve any of this. He'd been nothing but the best he could be towards Kevin. He was so fucking decent. Honorable. Just a good man.
'I'm sorry.' Kevin said simply.
Jon sighed.
'Have you got another one of your headaches? I know you think you're hiding them from me, but I am a doctor, Kevin. I know the signs. Would you please let me set up an appointment with a neurologist, and would you please tell those bigwigs at MDG that they need to stop riding your ass on this project?'
Kevin smiled. He nodded.
'I'll see a specialist if you like. But I'm the one setting the schedule at work, so short of kicking my own ass, not much I can do about that.'
Jon walked up to him, putting his hands on Kevin's face.
'I'm worried about you. This stress...it can really do damage to a person, Kevin. You have to promise you'll look after yourself better.'
'I promise. And I'm sorry about dinner. We'll order in. Whatever you want. Go watch the game and I'll make the call, OK?' Kevin placated him.
Jon smiled at him sweetly then returned to the sofa to settle in. Kevin watched Jon lie back, and cursed himself, because he still really fucking wished it was Patrick on that sofa instead.
The following morning
Kevin climbed the stairs to the roof top. Something was up. Patrick was upset again. Jesus. They'd had one fantastic day together and now it seemed everything was going to shit. Was this karma? Was this finally the price he was going to pay? He had to keep it together. Whatever Patrick wanted to talk about, he had to remain calm. Last night and then this morning, at the farmers market, playing the good boyfriend, keeping up the pretense of everything being normal, that had been fucking exhausting, and he was pretty much on his last ragged nerve. But, if Patrick needed reassurance, if he needed Kevin's time, then Kevin had to man up and be who Patrick needed him to be. Just please God, just a little more time so he could figure out how he was going sort out the mess his life had become.
Patrick stood on the roof, turning as Kevin called out to him.
'Yo...what's up, what's happened?' he asked. God...was Patrick crying? Shit...
'I saw you, fuck...fuck me...at the farmer's market. I was there.' Patrick said, in obvious distress. 'I saw you with Jon.' He added.
Fuck. First overhearing the phone call, now seeing them together. From Jon never even being brought up in conversation to him suddenly being front and center, right there...this was a fucking clusterfuck. But really...what the hell did Patrick think? That the man didn't exist? Was the worst problem Patrick faced the fact that Kevin was out shopping for breakfast with his partner? Kevin's nerves stretched tighter.
'Ok, and you didn't want to say hello' he threw out glibly. Patrick couldn't begin to imagine the fucking stress he was under.
'Are you totally fucking insane?' Ok...so that had been the wrong tone. Keep it together Kevin, he reminded himself.
'Calm down Patrick. It's alright'
'No, this is so not alright.'
Shit. This was so not going well. Just keep it the fuck together. Patrick was on some edge too and one of them was going to have to get them through this.
'Listen, I get a text with you, when you're with Jon, and my heart...it swells Kevin because I think wow, he's actually thinking about me'
Was he fucking kidding? Thinking about him? Jesus...
'I was, I AM...I AM. All the time' How the fuck could he not know this? Did he think everything just switched off for him when they were apart? Could he even begin to imagine what it was like for Kevin to be living this double life?
'Ok fine, but you're with Jon, right? I mean your life is with Jon. You wake up with him, you got to bed with him. You talk to him on the phone every night, and we can steal lunches, and we can steal weekends, but at the end of the day we're stealing from your life with Jon. And I ...I want to be the kind of person who can handle that, but can't. I can't do it anymore'
Kevin couldn't believe what he was hearing. All these weeks together having an affair, this very past weekend when they were so close, possible only because Jon had been away for work...and now, one sighting of Jon, one piece of tangible, visible evidence of him and...he was done?
'Because...because you saw us at the farmer's market?' Kevin shook his head...He couldn't believe it. What fucking world did he live in? What did he think they'd been doing?
'Yes!' Patrick was obviously desperate now. 'And because...every day more and more I'm building this life for us, this future, in my head.' Yes...that was exactly it...'Us together and it's impossible.' Wait...what? Oh no...oh fuck no... 'This is going to end with Jon hurt, or you and me hating each other...' This was NOT happening...it was not going to happen. 'So let's just stop, just rewind, and go back to being flirty friends..' He couldn't mean what he was saying...It wasn't possible
'I don't want to go back...' Kevin tried to stop him. But Patrick wouldn't...
'...or whatever we were before, and we can work on the app and see each other at work, and everything's fine...'
'Look I will talk to Jon OK?' Kevin had to make him stop. It just was not an option for them to go back. Kevin couldn't stand it. He had to stop saying it.
'Today. I will talk to him today.' Jesus christ...it had come to this...this was his whole life turning to a fucking train wreck. 'And I will make it right.'...Jesus...'And it will take time...to make him understand in a way that doesn't wreck him...it will take time but I will do it...' Kevin could barely go on.
'I know' Patrick tried to interrupt
'Today'. Kevin managed to finish.
'I know. I'm not asking you to...' Patrick tried again. But Kevin had heard enough. He didn't want to hear anymore of Patrick's ideas. They were just not feasible.
'Well you don't need to Patrick. You don't need to ask me.' How in fuck's name did he not know that? He had to make him understand...'Because that life you are building for us...I am too.'
This was a fucking nightmare. Standing on top of a building, pleading for the man you...loved, to not walk away...
'And I'm not losing it.' That was all he could say. He was going to fucking crack it if he had to say anything more. He was NOT losing Patrick. He could barely breathe. He stared at Patrick, willing him to understand.
'Ok.' Patrick said quietly. 'Ok. If you're...Ok.' Kevin nodded.
'I'm sorry. I didn't mean to...' Patrick continued.
'Don't say sorry. You don't have to say sorry. I want to do this. The right way. For us...and for Jon' Kevin managed to get out.
Patrick nodded. He looked almost scared at the sight of Kevin so distraught. Kevin had to calm down, for Patrick's sake. He couldn't fall apart.
'Go on back down' he said to Patrick eventually, calm enough now to be able to breathe normally again. 'I'll be down in a few minutes. I'll leave early tonight...and...I'll handle it. OK?' He put his hand on Patrick's neck, pulling him close to drop their foreheads together. 'OK?" He pressed?
'Yeah' Patrick answered softly. 'I'll be waiting to hear from you.' he said meaningfully, before pulling away.
And then it was Kevin left alone on the roof top. Contemplating his life. Wondering how he was going to do what had been inevitable from the first moment he had kissed Patrick, all those weeks ago.
Later that evening, at Esta Noce
Only it hadn't been inevitable after all, because when Kevin faced Jon, when Kevin tried to say the words that would destroy this man's life...he couldn't. Two years this man had put into loving Kevin. Two years of dealing with his walls, his barriers, his shit. And then he had given up everything he loved other than Kevin, his job, his family, his friends, his home, because he loved Kevin more.
How could he just tell him. He needed more time. He needed to prepare him. He needed to make it so that Jon could walk away with his dignity, so that he could know it wasn't about Patrick, that it wasn't that Jon wasn't enough, but that it was that Kevin had found someone he just couldn't imagine not having in his life.
But you didn't just tell someone that out of the blue. It needed TIME. Kevin needed more time. Patrick had to understand that. He had to make Patrick understand that.
But he hadn't. Or, at least Patrick hadn't accepted it. He had reached a point it seemed where it was him or Jon, right this minute, and Kevin couldn't do that to Jon however much he wanted to be with Patrick. He didn't want to choose, but if he had to, it had to be Jon. Two fucking years. A commitment made by a man who was nothing but good and kind.
'Why did you come here?' Patrick had asked, so angry, so sad. It had broken Kevin's heart to stand there and tell him that he couldn't tell Jon about them. That he couldn't stand breaking Jon's heart. That it made him feel like the lowest piece of shit to do that to him after everything Jon had done for him.
'It was for you...' Kevin had tried to explain. He had come here to see Patrick. To try and make him given them a little more time, to try to understand...'I came for you'. And then that last kiss. Only he didn't know it would be the last one. Because he couldn't imagine if Patrick felt just a little of what he felt, he couldn't imagine that he could walk away.
But he did. Patrick pushed Kevin away, like he had done before, but this time, the resolution in his face was absolute. He was done with Kevin. And that had been their last kiss.
And Kevin was...numb.