The Following Friday

Kevin sat in his office, pretending to be busy on his computer. One of his managers, Greg, opened his door and the sound of the revelry from the party filled the space.

'Hey Kevin, it's probably time you make your speech now, before these idiots get totally hammered.'

'Sure. No problem. I'll be right down. You got the champagne?' Kevin asked pleasantly.

'Chilled and waiting. And it's good stuff too. MDG's going all out' Greg laughed, rolling his eyes. Sarcasm obviously, since they were having the party in the office...not like the big splashy launch event they'd had on that over the top war ship. The party where he'd met Patrick... Nope. Not going there. Not this morning. Well...not again, this morning.

'I think you'll find MDG's true appreciation in your bonus checks.' Kevin forced a smile. 'This is just a little impromptu celebration. I thought people would like the day off from work anyway. And the free booze.'

'Who doesn't like free booze?' Greg shrugged. 'Are you coming?' he gestured to the crowded floor, where people were milling about, laughing...having a good time. It looked hellish.

'Yeah. Just give me a minute. Just have some...things to finish up.' he nodded.

As Greg left, Kevin automatically looked over to Patrick's desk. It was like a reflex. He found himself doing it every few minutes or so. Crap for his concentration. And of course this morning Patrick wasn't even going to be sitting there. He'd be in the middle of the party, having a great time with his buddies, his little gang. Laughing, drinking...carefree. As if his world hadn't collapsed around him just five days ago.

But...maybe it hadn't. Kevin's had, but Patrick...well...Patrick seemed to be coping...fine.

There was a revelation for you. It turned out whatever Patrick had felt for Kevin, it had been slight enough, little enough that he could just...tune it out. Switch it off. And all that remained was a little bitterness and some embarrassment. And maybe...a hint of anger. That talk of building a future in his head, with him...well...he'd moved on pretty quickly to an alternate future it would seem.

Patrick had been smart. While Kevin was falling in love, like an idiot, Patrick was hedging his bets, keeping his heart safe. Kevin knew love was a fool's game. He'd seen it slowly destroy his parents. It was a stupid state for any sane individual to be in. Patrick hadn't been stupid.

The only comfort Kevin could take was that he hadn't turned his whole life upside down for him. That would have been tragic. Not for Kevin, but for Jon. He would have torn apart the life of a good man for no reason. His own life deserved to be torn apart for the stupid way he'd behaved, but Jon's didn't.

And maybe this was a good thing anyway. This...grief that he felt. It had made him a lot nicer to Jon. A lot more compassionate. He could see what it was like to love someone and have them turn...cold. Act like you didn't matter. Not that he'd been like that with Jon, but...he hadn't been as open as Jon had wanted. He'd held part of him closed off, and it must have hurt Jon like hell. At least if Jon loved Kevin the way Kevin loved Patrick it would have hurt. Really fucking hurt.

Just being in the same office space with Patrick sometimes felt like more than he could bear. He'd had a week of it, and he still felt raw when he caught sight of Patrick in the mornings, walking to his desk. Each day Patrick had looked up at him and nodded. Expressionless. Then he'd smile at Owen and start chatting. Laughing. If they ran into each other in the hallways, or in the break room, Patrick would make small talk, careful not to appear deliberately rude or to be consciously ignoring him. But when they were in a group, in a meeting, sometimes he would catch Patrick watching him with a look that wasn't indifferent, but closer to disdain. And stupidly enough it was those moments that Kevin craved. That display that he still cared enough to feel...something.

Because even though he had evidence in front of him daily, proof of Patrick's ability to cut him out of his life, Kevin still held on to a glimmer of hope that...that he hadn't totally misread the past few weeks. That it had been more than great sex for Patrick and that Patrick still cared. Hadn't he told Kevin that his heart swelled when he got a text from him? Hadn't he told Kevin that he was building a future for them, together? And hadn't he held Kevin close to him, kissed him with desperate passion, fucked him with...love?

God...Kevin missed him so much. Missed even the thought of being with him. He'd come to need him so deeply, so quickly and he hadn't even realized it. He couldn't stand the thought that he wouldn't ever hold him again, or run his hands through his hair. Wouldn't see his mouth swollen and wet from his kisses, wouldn't get to mark his beautiful body with his love bites. He wouldn't be the one to make him smile and laugh, or be the one to tease him or cook him breakfast. Listen to his funny stories, watch him blush. He wouldn't get to hear more of his childhood confessions, or learn about his most secret desires. He wouldn't share anything any more with him. And that broke him up inside. So much.

How did you rewire your brain to not think about someone reflexively. How did you stop yourself from hearing something funny and immediately storing it away to share with the person you couldn't wait to see... Or stop yourself from tasting something and wondering what the person you loved would think of it, because they loved food so much and you loved watching them eat. How was it so sublimely easy to fall into the habit of just having someone else occupy part of your brain, but so ridiculously hard to get them out?

It felt like a limb was missing. A necessary part of him that he couldn't quite believe wasn't there anymore. And he wanted this to be over. It had to be over. He wasn't even sleeping anymore, and the fucking headaches...No fucking relief. He'd let Jon set up an appointment with a neurologist but that was a fucking joke. What would he tell the guy? Sorry doctor, but the diagnosis is that I was a total fucking idiot who fell in love with a man who can barely stand the sight of me, and I have to see him every day, and watch him laugh and chat with other people, and one day I'll have to hear about him dating somebody else and know that he's falling in love and that it won't be me and I want to just...fucking tear my eyes out before I see that happen. Do you have a cure for that?

Kevin laughed bitterly. There was no fucking cure, just a list of symptoms.

No...all he could do in the face of this fucking nightmare of a situation was put his head down and wait until the storm passed. All while reciting to himself from his new list of favorite mantras. Which included 'get on with your fucking life, you made your bed you better lie in it'. And 'you deserve to feel like shit because you are a fucking lowlife piece of scum'. Or his current favorite 'Patrick can do better than a cheating, predatory, immoral bastard'.

God. He was such a self-indulgent cliche. This was his life now, and he had responsibilities which he couldn't ignore just so he could wallow in his own self-pity. Firstly to Jon and secondly, to this team of people, celebrating outside his office, that were waiting for him to get the party started officially. So, he had to pull himself together and just get through, one day at a time. And right now, all he had to do was go downstairs, make a stupid speech no one would listen to, and open a bottle of champagne. He could do that. One simple task at a time.

He took a deep breath, held if for a second, then exhaled...long and slow. Eventually life would stop being measure one breath at a time. He just had to get through it. That was all.

He stood in front of the team, smiling, laughing, the picture of the happy content boss. He'd congratulated them, and he meant it. They'd built a great product. He caught sight of Patrick, standing, sullen, with Owen and Meredith. He was staring at Kevin. Everyone was.

Kevin lifted the bottle of champagne he'd just opened, and made a toast.

'Here's to you' He stared directly into Patrick's eyes as he tipped the bottle. 'To Most Dangerous Games'. Everyone cheered, except Patrick. He just drank. Then he turned and walked away.

Kevin couldn't stop himself. He watched Patrick pick up his backpack and start for the exit, and Kevin dodged and weaved through the crowds to reach him.

'Hey, hey...' he called out to Patrick. Thank god he stopped. He thought he was going to have to wrestle him to the ground. Would he have?

'Where are you going? The party's just getting started?' He asked him. It was excruciating to have him so near, but it was better than not having him in his sights. Nice little catch-22. He didn't want Patrick to leave, but couldn't bear to be near him.

'Do you mind if I cut out early?' Patrick asked in return, cool, calm. 'You don't need me for anything anymore do you?'

Was he fucking serious?

'Ahhh...Well that's... a pretty loaded question...' He was so ready to get into this if Patrick was.

'For WORK purposes.' Patrick shot back. 'You don't need me to stay, right?'

What could he say? What choices did he have?

'No, of course not' Kevin sighed. 'Today's completely extra-curricular...'

'Awesome. Thank you' And Patrick was off. Kevin couldn't take this anymore. He needed something, anything from Patrick to show that he wasn't a total fucking fool...that he wasn't completely alone...He followed him out into the hallway and tried calling him back, but he could barely speak.

'Patrick' he finally got out. Christ...was that his voice?

He could see Patrick collecting himself, squaring up his shoulders as he turned round to face him. He walked back towards Kevin, staring at him as if he didn't have a care in the world. How was this possible? How was he doing this?

'Jesus...this is unbearable.' He wanted to have his old Patrick back. The one that would give a shit. 'How are you not a wreck?' He asked...so confused. 'I haven't been able to sleep for a week'

'Maybe you should take something for that.'

Wow. Ok. That was like a punch in the gut.

'Oh. I see. Right. So that's how this is going to be then, is it? Alright' Kevin continued.

'What do you want me to say?' Patrick asked. And wasn't that the million dollar question. What did he want Patrick to say?

'Well I don't know Patrick. I just didn't think it would be this easy for you...'

'Well It's not that it's easy for me. You chose Jon.' Patrick cut in. Deadly.

Why had Kevin thought this was a good idea? He couldn't remember now, because this wasn't helping him.

'That's it. End of story. We're both grown ups ok? We don't have to make a big deal about it.' Patrick continued, rapid fire.

But it was a big deal, Kevin's poor heart cried out. It was a huge fucking deal. He wished Patrick would stop talking.

'I think it's actually kind of a relief. No more sneaking around, no more pretending we're not together, no more lies or secrets or stress. It's good.' And Patrick actually sounded relieved. Could he really mean this?

Because to Kevin it didn't feel 'good'. To Kevin this felt like hell.

'And no one got hurt.'

No. This was hell. Before...that was a picnic compared to this feeling, right now.

'It'll be fine Kevin'. Patrick finished, before he turned around and walked away...again.

Patrick walked away from him or pushed him away so many times. Maybe it was time he took the hint.

So. Patrick said it hadn't been easy for him, but he was relieved it was over, and everything would be fine, because no one got hurt. Ok. That was a very concise summary of his past week. He admired Patrick for his ability to put his emotional journey into such a simple sentence. He hated him for being relieved that it was over between them. He hated him for being so glib about no one being hurt, after he'd just poured out his soul to him, confessing that he was a wreck, that he found this unbearable. He hated him for being so cruel.

But he didn't blame him. He couldn't. He'd protected himself and he was able to walk away. And if Kevin hated him it was only because he loved him so fucking much. And he didn't hate him anyway. Not even a little bit. He wished he could hate him. Hate would feel good just about now.

He probably shouldn't keep standing here in the hallway. Why did he lose his ability to walk every time Patrick left him? Maybe he should ask the neurologist that. He should go back to the party. Make some small talk. Chat with the staff. They'd like that. Probably. Who knew? Who the fuck cared? But it was his job. As the boss. As the man in charge, in control. Right. This was the part of his life still in his control, so he probably shouldn't fuck this bit up too.

A little later Kevin managed to escape to his office. See...that wasn't so bad. He could still have normal conversations with people. Not so easy with Owen because Owen just reminded him of...Patrick, but with everyone else he'd been fine. No problem. But it was nice to be alone in his office. Quiet for a few minutes. Gave him a chance to think about the next step. Just the first next step.

The game. That was their thing, their project. Well obviously that wouldn't be happening. So, maybe he should start by symbolically throwing away the cards he'd bought, weeks ago. A little like burning old pictures. It might feel...satisfactory, like a step, progress. Kevin opened his drawer and took out the Top Trumps game. Silly childish game. Patrick had liked the art on this set...the campy horror movie characters...the ridiculously gay dracula. Kevin held the cards in his hand. The first step to moving on. Throw the game away, he told himself.

He watched himself put the cards away in their plastic box and throw them back in the drawer. Fail.

New step. He looked around his desk for some purpose, something to do. And it was so bloody obvious. The picture of Jon. If he really wanted to move on, he should fucking well do it. Patrick was gone. Jon was his partner. The man he lived with. The man he should be in love with. The man he should want by his side. He had to fucking stop this. He DID love Jon. He'd loved him for almost two years. And it wasn't the same, it wasn't all-consuming and it wasn't desperate, and it didn't feel as necessary as breathing...but that's why it was so much better. Because it wasn't corrosive, it didn't destroy him, it didn't break him down.

Kevin picked up his phone and called Jon. There. This was the first real step. Not a step meant to rip out the memories of Patrick, because he just wasn't capable of doing that, but a step to rebuilding his life with Jon. Which he could do.

Two hours later

Jon was having fun. He wasn't a gamer, but he was good with people, and he liked schmoozing, so this was totally in his wheelhouse. He probably also liked everyone sucking up to him. The boss' boyfriend, who was also a sports doctor and knew a lot of famous athletes. These gamer nerds were in heaven. They'd made t-shirts, they'd drank beer, they'd socialized, and Kevin had seen his life laid out before him. It wasn't so bad actually. Back to the peaceful less frantic days before Patrick. Maybe that's what Patrick meant by feeling relief. From the highs and the lows...just feeling...barely anything at all. A man could get used to that. He HAD been used to that, and he would love to be like that again.

He walked over to Jon and put his hand on his arm.

'We can leave any time you want' he told him quietly

'I'm having fun! I told you, I like seeing you in this environment. It reminds me of how lucky I am to be sleeping with the boss' Jon teased him.

Kevin's heart dipped as him mind automatically turned to Patrick. But that was Ok. He just had to let it happen and then, move his mind on.

Jon leaned forward and whispered in Kevin's ear,

'Since this is San Francisco, can I kiss the boss in the office?'

Kevin smiled and he nodded. Jon kissed him gently on the lips. No one paid any attention. Kevin pulled him back for another kiss, then, letting him go, smiled back at Jon. There. That was easy. That was so familiar. And one day surely he would be able to do it without thinking of Patrick.

He stared at Jon. He couldn't tear his eyes away from him as he looked at his dear, beloved face. Jon's face began to show his confusion, his concern.

'Are you sure you're ok? Is it another headache?'

Kevin shook his head.

'Something's wrong. Please tell me' Jon pressed.

Kevin's mind was blank, except for one recurring thought. Running through his brain, over and over again. Fucking dramatic nonsense. He wished he could stop it. But his heart only knew a very simple truth. If Patrick walked back into this room, everybody else would disappear for Kevin, and only Patrick would exist. And he didn't know how that would ever change.

'Nothing's wrong Jon.'

'Kevin...' Jon insisted.

'But I've been thinking that...maybe...we should go back to Seattle'

And this...this was the first real step. Jon smiled and Kevin smiled back. They would be happy and peaceful, in Seattle. And maybe there Kevin would find it easier to pretend the past few months hadn't even happened. He was a fucking genius.