With Apologies to Jerry Springer...
"Loki is on Midgard."
"You are certain of this?" Frigga asks as Odin listens.
"Aye."
"But how did he get there without the Bifrost?" Odin asks.
"There is a way between realms. Loki must have found it a long time ago. There is a small cave behind Marigold Waterfall. I followed tracks through a small hole and crawled out the other side and I was on Midgard."
"I'll send the ravens to scour the realm."
"Father, Midgard is much changed from the last time I visited it. I did not recognize it at all. The mortals have advanced their technology by leaps and bounds. The population is incomprehensible in size. Find him will not be so simple."
"Perhaps we could illicit assistance from the mortals that live there. They may be able to track Loki in a way that we cannot." Odin says.
"Heimdall cannot see him?"
"No mother. I suspect Loki has the ability to shield himself from Heimdall's sight."
"That would not surprise me. He always was a gifted student." Frigga says with a touch of pride.
"I will return to Midgard and seek out assistance from the mortals." Thor says.
"Thor, be careful. The mortals are of the belief that they are alone in the universe."
"What? That is ridiculous."
"Yes well, ridiculous as it is your arrival and sudden public departure via the Bifrost has stirred up a bit of a hornet's nest down there. However, the people currently gathered at the departure point might be the same people that could best assist you in your search. Go now."
"I will father."
XxXxXxXx
Thor touches down in Central Park again, in the same spot he'd just left an hour before. The sound of the safeties of many guns disengaging fills the air as men in black suits aim their guns at him. Thor looks around him searching for whoever might be in charge. A red and gold metal man, a man in a blue uniform with a shield, and a black man with one eye all approach him.
"Please tell me you come in peace." Iron Man's filtered voice rings out.
"Stark he probably doesn't speak English." Captain America says to him.
"No, but I do have the Allspeak. I can understand you words well enough." Thor smiles, looking positively bubbly.
"Stand down." Nick says to his men. The black suits lower their guns. "Who are you?"
"I am Thor, son of Odin, prince of Asgard the Realm Eternal."
"Thor? Like god of thunder Thor?" Steve asks clearly doubtful.
"Yes, so you have heard of me? Father said you mortals were of the opinion you were all alone in the universe."
"We were until an hour ago." Nick says. "So what brings a god to the land of mortals?"
"Ah…well…" Thor tries to think about how to explain that he is looking for his brother who is his lover, and also pregnant with his child and that he is also secretly a hermaphrodite and not really his brother at all. "…it is a private family matter actually. I am looking for someone. One of my people." Thor's embarrassed expression only makes Nick and Steve more suspicious. Despite his massive size and intimidating looking hammer on his hip the guy radiates a teddy bear persona. His red flushed face and guilty expression is kind of adorable.
"Let me guess. He's an evil villain plotting to conquer earth?" Tony asks.
"Nay of course not! He's just…well I'd rather not discuss it here, if you don't mind."
"Fine. Come with us." Nick turns and guides the big blonde god to an awaiting SUV. Thor climbs in and surveys his surrounding, playing with whatever nobs he can find.
"You mortals have made many advances since last I visited this realm." Thor says.
"And when was that?" Nick asks.
"A couple hundred years ago. My mother, brother, and I came here for a picnic and to gather some herbs my mother wanted to transplant back in our realm." Thor beams a big Colgate white smile.
"So what is this private family matter you mentioned?" Nick asks.
Thor scratches his head as he considers where to begin. "I am looking for a man named Loki."
"Loki, I've heard of him too. He's the god of mischief and chaos isn't he?" Nick asks.
"And lies." Steve says.
"All of those things are true but Loki is actually a very lovely person." Thor says.
"Ah huh. I'm sure he is. So what is he doing here on earth?" Nick asks.
"He's hiding…from me. And from our father actually."
"Loki is your brother?" Steve notes.
"Yes…or he was…it was only made clear to me recently that he is adopted. We aren't even the same species as it turns out."
"Ah huh. So why is he hiding." Tony asks.
"He's pregnant." Thor says.
"HE's pregnant?"
"Yes, you see Loki is actually a hermaphrodite, which is typical for his species. He's a Jotunn you see. They are of the single gender. My brother does not know this though… that he is adopted and not Aesir like me. He is still of the belief that what we did was wrong."
"Wait…you're the baby daddy?" Tony asks.
"Yes." Thor says, his cheeks growing redder by the minute.
"With your not-brother?" Steve asks.
"Yes."
"So why didn't you just tell him before and save him all the shame?"
"I didn't know before." The silence that follows that statement sits like a dead weight for several seconds.
"Okay so that still doesn't exactly explain why he ran." Steve says.
"Incest in Asgard is punishable by death."
"That's a serious punishment, but you two went ahead and did it anyway? I mean, you thought he was your brother and you knew you could be put to death why did you do it?" Steve asks.
"I didn't want to at first. I begged Loki to stop but he wouldn't listen." Thor says defensively.
"Are you trying to tell us your brother raped you?" Nick asks. Steve pinches the bridge of his nose.
"Well…ah…no…only at first…I mean I felt sorry for him. He was a 1000 year old virgin. Anyone would crack after going that long….and I love him…and he was crying and remorseful and I'm glad it happened. I love him."
Tony claps his hands and puts them up. "I'm out. Check please."
"Okay so let me get this straight: He fled for his life because he was having sex with his brother and became pregnant because he's afraid he'll be executed for incest. Yes?" Nick asks.
"Only you're not really his brother and you've come looking for him because you love him and want to take him home?"
"Yes of course." Thor says.
"And what will happen to Loki once he gets there?"
"I'll marry him of course. Mother has already starting planning the wedding."
"Of course she has." Tony says.
"So how do you plan to find him?" Steve asks.
"I do not know. Midgard is a large realm and this one city alone is very vast. The population size makes searching for him by traditional means impossible. I need your help." Thor says. Tony smiles at that admission. It isn't everyday a god comes to you on bended knee begging you for help.
XxXxXxXxXx
"Thank you for giving me shelter. It is greatly appreciated." Thor says to Tony.
"You could learn some marks in humility from this one Stark." Nick says.
"I'm a billionaire, a playboy, a genius, a philanthropist, and a superhero. I can't be all things to all people Nick." Tony says. Steve rolls his eyes. Natasha, aka Pepper's former assistant is here. Awesome. Along with a new guy that works for SHIELD. Guy has a bow and arrow. Seriously, who uses those anymore? They've been briefed of the situation. The damn dossier read like an episode of Jerry Springer.
"So the best place to start is with the city surveillance systems. If we had a picture of Loki available we could scan it and have Jarvis comb through the city looking for his face." Tony preens as he waits for Thor to shower him with thanks.
"That probably will not work." Thor says.
"Why the hell not?"
"Loki is in hiding and he will not look like himself. Since he has a growing child in his womb it would only make sense that he would change his appearance to that of a pregnant Midgardian woman to prevent drawing attention."
"What do you mean, change his appearance? My facial recognition software can see past a wig and neck scarf."
"Loki is a master magic wielder. He can use his magic to cast illusion and make people see what he wants them to see." Thor says.
"Magic? Really?" Tony crosses his arms, practically pouting.
"So how the hell do we find him?" Clint asks.
"I do not know." Thor says.