Kevin stood at his kitchen counter, staring at his phone. He didn't want to be here. He didn't want to be anywhere near this fucking space but...what if Patrick came back and didn't find him here?

He could text him. He obviously wasn't picking up his phone, but he must be reading his messages. So he could get the fuck out of here and wait for Patrick somewhere else, somewhere he didn't have to relive every fucking second of that hellish conversation. But where? Where the fuck would he go? He didn't have any friends anymore that weren't Patrick's friends. He didn't want to be with anyone except Patrick.

Why the fuck wouldn't Patrick answer his phone? Where was he if he hadn't gone to Agustin's? Agustin hadn't heard from him, neither had Dom, so where the fuck was he? Just walking about the city? Maybe he just needed some fresh air, some time to calm down...but then why wouldn't he just answer his phone or leave a fucking message?

Kevin squeezed his eyes shut as he tried to ignore the obvious answers that were pounding in his brain. Patrick had left him. Not last night when Kevin had begged him not to, but sometime this morning while Kevin was sleeping. He wasn't coming back. He'd listened to everything Kevin had to say and decided that he didn't want to be with him after all. That he couldn't trust him. That he didn't love him...never had loved him...

But then...how could he have been so wrong? How could he have misread Patrick so completely? Except of course there were those times when he hadn't been at all sure how Patrick had felt about him, when he'd watched Patrick walk away or push him away, and had seen Patrick cut him out of his life so resolutely. Maybe that was the real Patrick, and the one of the past few weeks, the one where they couldn't be close enough, or spend enough time with each other...maybe that was the Patrick that was just trying to prove a point, trying to show he was mature enough to be in a relationship.

'I just wanted to prove to myself, to my friends, my family, fuck to the whole world, that I was capable of being in one' Patrick had said after all their fighting last night. And it had made Kevin's blood run cold to hear him say that.

Could he have been so blind?

Fuck. He'd made so many stupid mistakes yesterday. He'd been clumsy, and aggressive and relentless, pushing when he should have backed off, when he should have just told Patrick that he was willing to be what Patrick wanted him to be, but in all the horrible things that had been said, it was Patrick that had dealt the worst fucking blows.

What did he mean that their hearts worked differently? What the fuck did that mean? That there were fundamental, essential differences he'd known all along but avoided.

Kevin's eyes filled with tears that he squeezed back. Who did Patrick think Kevin was?

The hard, frightening truth was staring Kevin in the face but he didn't want to believe it because it meant everything he had hoped for, dreamt of, thought was within his reach was just...gone. And he couldn't fucking bear it. He was going to go out of his fucking mind if this was all over.

Kevin dropped his head on his hands, on the counter. This was his fucking punishment. This was his payback. He had lied and cheated, he had destroyed the life of a good man, and now the man he loved looked at him like the liar and cheater he obviously believed him to be, and in his eyes there wasn't love, there was just mistrust, betrayal. And all because Kevin wanted to start this next part of his life, the part he was now sharing with the person he loved most in the world, with a promise to be honest. The fucking irony. And of course, because of that stupid Grindr app.

Now Kevin couldn't stop the tears, as much as he tried. He had begged Patrick. Begged Patrick to trust him, to believe in his love for him, to believe that what they had, what they had lived these past few weeks was proof that they were solid. That their relationship was working. Couldn't Patrick see that? Did he think it was easy to find someone that it was so effortless to be with? So easy to find someone that you had so many things to say to? And then also to be silent with? To sleep in the same fucking bed with night after night and still want to hold tightly and still want to just never stop fucking? Didn't he know that what they had was rare? Fucking precious? How could he walk away?

Because he always fucking did. Every time, Patrick walked away. The moment something happened that didn't fit the picture in his head, he just fucking quit and ran. He had never fought for Kevin. Because he didn't care enough? Because he was scared? Because he didn't think Kevin was worth it? Trustworthy? The man he wanted to grow old with?

Kevin's phone rang and within one second he had it on and pressed to his ear.

'Patrick?'

'No, sorry it's Agustin' he heard the voice on the other end. Jesus. His heart was pounding so fucking loud he needed to take some deep breaths to calm the fuck down.

'Listen, I tried Paddy but he's not answering me either, so I'm thinking maybe he left his phone there, and it's on silent so you can't hear it? Maybe he went for a jog or something and doesn't have it turned on? Or maybe it has no batteries...' Agustin trailed off.

'I don't think so, but thanks.' Kevin said, grateful for Agustin's attempts.

'Listen, he's going to turn up any minute. He mentioned something last night on the phone about something the two of you got into, so he's probably in some diner somewhere eating his poor little heart out. You know his spirals...' Agustin tried again.

'Yep. I do. Listen, I have to go.' Kevin needed to get off the phone. He was barely holding it together and he didn't want Agustin to witness his total fucking meltdown. 'Just call me if you hear from him, ok?' and then he hung up.

Of course Patrick would have mentioned something to Agustin last night on the phone. He'd called just as Kevin had thought the whole conversation about Grindr had been resolved, and Kevin had left Patrick alone for just two fucking minutes to take a piss, as Patrick had answered his phone. And in that time, Patrick had told Agustin enough that when Kevin called him frantically this morning to ask if he had heard from Patrick, he had NOT been particularly shocked or even surprised.

Another fucking nail in the coffin of this relationship. But really, hadn't he known that's what would happen from the minute Patrick had demanded they leave that crazy party? He'd known something was wrong from the way he'd looked at Kevin as Kevin had walked up to where he was standing with Milo and Jake. No longer the giggling, fascinated, slightly panicked boy of a few minutes ago, as he'd been when they'd escaped to the bathroom together, wondering what kind of weird orgy they'd walked into.

'What? What is it? What's happened?' Kevin followed him into the elevator, beginning to worry.

'Are you Romford'? Patrick asked him.

Romford. His fucking profile name on Grindr. And Kevin had known. Though he wouldn't admit it to himself yet he'd fucking known this evening was going to explode in his face. But he'd deluded himself into believing he could salvage it. After all, this was just a stupid app that every gay man had on their phone. Surely Patrick would see how insignificant this was...eventually.

'Yeah, I can see what you're thinking right now, but please don't freak out about this' .

'I'm not freaking out. I'm really not. It's just I'd love to know what's what, and what you're doing on a hook up site' Patrick replied. So so calmly. Unnaturally calmly. The sort of calm that could only come when he'd already made up his mind what to think and how to react. And that was the first moment when Kevin thought to himself that maybe Patrick was looking for a way out. And the second he'd had that thought, he had pushed it out of his mind because it was fucking preposterous.

So Patrick wanted to know why he'd been on Grindr that morning. And the problem was that if he felt he had to ask, then there wasn't much chance he would find the answer as obvious as it really was. That it was just for fun. The building was full of gay couples as the broker had told them, and Kevin was just curious as to who these people were, and there just happened to be an app which could fucking tell him who was in the building, and so he fucking looked! He went on the app occasionally out of curiosity. Who the fuck didn't? It was a gay rite of passage for god's sake. He hadn't used it for an actual hook up in years, since before Jon. He didn't have a picture, or a profile, and his activity showed clearly he had no favorites. For fuck's sake...it was like porn. Just because you were in a relationship, it didn't mean you weren't curious or didn't want to have a look.

'Just tell me I didn't move in with a sex addict' Patrick had asked eventually, after all of Kevin's explanations and reassurances. And Kevin actually had to tell his boyfriend, the man he'd been living with for the past few weeks, that he was not a sex addict. That question in and of itself, the question Patrick had asked only semi-jokingly, should have put him on higher alert, but he was still in self-denial mode. He refused to think about where Patrick's mind would go to next, and yet, at the same time he wasn't remotely surprised.

Patrick had obviously not moved beyond the Grindr issue when Kevin had come out of the bathroom. He had questions he wanted to ask, and at the very first one, Kevin had had a simple choice. To lie, or to tell the truth.

'Ok, can I just ask this? I just want to know. When you were with Jon, did you hook up with other people?' Patrick asked simply.

In hindsight, should he have just told Patrick what he wanted to hear? That he had never hooked up with anyone else but Patrick during his relationship with Jon? That he had been strictly monogamous until carried away by the overwhelming passion Patrick had incited in him? No. Having the chance to do the conversation over, he still wouldn't lie. He couldn't, because he'd finally understood that what proved how much this relationship meant to him was that he wasn't willing to lie again. Ever. That he wanted Patrick to be able to trust that Kevin would always tell him the truth, the way he hadn't with Jon.

So he had answered Patrick truthfully. That there had been other incidents, brief meaningless, nameless encounters. With the emphasis on meaningless. Small things.

But all Patrick could focus on, all he could obviously hear was that Kevin had cheated. Over and over again. And Kevin had started to feel anxious, which he knew was a very dangerous state for him to be in. Kevin and anxiety were a very unhealthy mix, except in the corporate boardrooms where his ramped up aggression served him well. He had to remember that Patrick needed careful handling, patience, and understanding.

But that was so hard. Especially when he felt he was being attacked for something which was ultimately so trivial. For fuck's sake. A massage with a happy ending. Who hadn't had one of those? What the hell did it matter? But Patrick's reactions...he seemed so...disgusted, appalled. Kevin had felt himself losing his own calm. Patrick was hardly the innocent little choir boy himself, was he.

So feeling unfairly attacked, the first of the stupid things Kevin had said that evening just came blurting out.

'You're not Jon. This is not me and Jon, and you know what, to be honest, I'm actually really fucking happy I cheated on him.' Kevin could barely control his irritation.

'Why?' Patrick asked. Really? Could anyone be this obtuse?

'Because if I hadn't cheated on him, WE wouldn't be together.' Kevin spelled out bluntly.

Kevin felt gratifyingly satisfied at the look of shock on Patrick's face, for all of a second. And then...he could have fucking kicked himself. So much for remaining in control of the situation. As Patrick turned to use the bathroom, Kevin could only watch him walk away, and wonder what the fuck he was doing.

Kevin should have done a better job of explaining that the things he had done with other people were trivial. He shouldn't have let Patrick walk away from the conversation without really understanding that with no emotional component, the things he had done felt no different to him than watching porn. Like jerking off to the thought of someone else other than your lover. And yes, the first time had felt wrong, but only because of what he worried it meant about his commitment to Jon. As soon as he'd realized those acts had no bearing on his emotional connection, he had almost wished he could just tell Jon so that he wouldn't have had to lie and keep secrets and feel shitty about doing that, but then...it had just been easier to avoid the difficult conversations.

And he certainly shouldn't have brought their own affair into the mix. What had happened with Patrick was something completely different. He had known almost from the first moment that what Patrick represented really WAS a threat to what he had with Jon, because his whole being was drawn to Patrick, yearned to be with him. Patrick wasn't a tug in a steam room. Patrick was a soul-deep connection. No fucking comparison.

But where to go from here? This wasn't resolved, not by a long shot. Patrick had walked away from him obviously deeply disturbed, and now he was taking forever to come out of the bathroom. This was going to hang over their heads like a shadow if they didn't figure out what they both expected and how they both felt about this issue. Kevin knew that Patrick would be traditional, at least on the surface. But if their relationship had a chance for longevity, it would require an openness and honesty that neither of them was particularly used to. If Patrick found himself in a situation where he was aroused by another man, if he got carried away and gave in to physical pleasure, he didn't want Patrick freaking out, thinking this was the death knell for the two of them, that it was more significant and serious than it needed to be. He needed to be realistic and realize that stuff happened, and that as long as they talked about it, they could work it out. Kevin knew that a stranger's hand on a penis was far less of a threat to a relationship than emotional dishonesty. He could handle Patrick getting jerked off by a stranger in a steam room. But he wouldn't be able to handle Patrick preferring someone else's company to his, or finding someone else he could be more himself with. That would be fucking devastating.

When Patrick walked out of the bathroom, Kevin was waiting for him. Determined that this conversation needed to happen, and that the absolute best foundation for them was pure honesty, a simple straightforward conversation.

Patrick seemed so fucking relieved when Kevin had started talking about no lies, not hiding stuff, being different than how he'd been with Jon. Again, Kevin could have left it there, pretended to himself that they were on the same page, but he knew Patrick hadn't really understood the full scope of what he meant.

'I wasn't expecting to have this conversation tonight...err, I wasn't, Ok...but...' he began. But this was going to be so fucking hard. He was going to have navigate Patrick's tricky thought processes, AND he was going to have to reign in his anxiety and impatience. He wanted Patrick to understand him, but he couldn't bully him into it. He had to find the right way to explain how he felt.

'But what?' Patrick prompted, his face betraying the first signs of his own simmering anxiety.

'But, I think it's important that we realize that people who really love each other, can define being faithful over the course of a relationship that lasts for years and years not necessarily in the very strictest sense of the word. And...that accepting and understanding that physical...stuff, small things... that sometimes happen with other people, doesn't undermine the feelings, the emotions between us, that if we can be honest with each other, really truly honest, Patrick, well, we could weather anything that happens, and we could just be the stronger for it.' Kevin had tried to explain.

Patrick had remained silent for a few moments, his face expressionless.

'Oh my god. Are you saying...are you telling me you want...an open relationship?' Patrick eventually spoke, and his voice betrayed the growing horror he was feeling.

Shit.

'No.' Kevin tried to emphasize. 'I'm not talking about open relationships. I'm not talking about inviting other people into our lives, or sanctioning us having other emotional partners besides each other, I'm talking about acknowledging that when two people are together for a long time, things can happen, but these things don't have to damage the connection...'

'But you're talking about fucking other people. That it should be OK to fuck other people. You ARE talking about an open relationship' Patrick interrupted, barely able to look at Kevin. He turned and started walking out of the bedroom, leaving Kevin to follow behind him trying to explain again what he was trying to say.

'I'm NOT saying I want an open relationship. But it's a very grey area...'

'Oh my god. I don't think I like the sound of your grey area.' Patrick exclaimed, and from that point on, the conversation degenerated into Patrick obviously not listening, and Kevin becoming more frantic.

'Why are you so mad. It's a DISCUSSION' Kevin tried to stress. All he was trying to do was have them clarify how they felt, how they viewed this issue, come to some compromise. Be HONEST. Like adults in a relationship.

Patrick was so wound up though, and Kevin was finding it hard to know how to reach him.

'It's a little bit of a shock to find out on the moving in day that you don't even want to TRY and be monogamous' Patrick had said, while searching for his shoes. Did he really think they were actually going to get to the stupid fundraiser tonight? Did he think this conversation was anywhere near over?

'Ok, monogamy, Patrick, monogamy...why, why is that so important to you. Have you ever asked yourself why?' Kevin pressed. Physical monogamy was a concept that Kevin understood, but surely Patrick realized it wasn't nearly as important as emotional fidelity. And also, wasn't it more relevant only if there wasn't trust and belief in the other person's commitment. In a solid relationship, it just wasn't that big a deal.

'I don't know, I guess I always just felt like I wanted to be devoted to someone, and feel like someone is also devoted to me' Patrick explained.

Devotion? Like some medieval romance? He was trying to have an adult conversation about differentiating between what was essentially a meaningless physical response and the feelings of love and commitment they had for each other, and Patrick was spouting some romanticized vision of a disney fucking movie. Was he listening to anything that Kevin was saying?

'Right, well your own mother doesn't believe in monogamy, so...'

Fuck. That was a totally fucked up thing to say to Patrick. He was going to pay for that. Patrick might think his mother's actions had liberated him from the conventions of an uptight WASP upbringing, but deep down he was still hurting over the state of his parent's marriage. And Kevin had known it, and he had delivered the low blow. He was a fucking bastard when he felt cornered.

'Oh wow, really?' Patrick was disgusted.

'Ok, I'm sorry' and he really was. He hadn't meant to hurt Patrick. Well, not for longer than the second it took him to say those words. He'd regretted it immediately, but the damage was done, and so it seemed, was Patrick.

No fucking way. He was actually walking out. Actually leaving in the middle of this crazy fight they had found themselves in. And now, Kevin thought to himself bitterly, he had literally BOTH feet out of the door. Had he ever intended to stay? Did he really even believe what he was saying or was it just his way to find a reason to go? Did he see any of the hypocrisy in his own actions?

Kevin followed Patrick down the corridor, determined to make Patrick admit that people, including Patrick, didn't always behave the way they knew they should, and that Kevin wasn't the low life scum that Patrick was making him feel like, with his judgement, his condemnation. This wasn't even about the future of their relationship now. This was about the fucking past. Who was the cheater, who was the liar, who was capable of doing what. Patrick was in some fucking la-la land of denial, making out that Kevin was a deviant, and that shit was just not fucking true. They'd both been in this together.

'Wasn't it you who called me up in the middle of the night when I was in bed with my boyfriend, to drive all the way out to the Russian River and fuck you against a redwood' Kevin reminded him, feeling his blood pounding in his ears.

'Again, that's different. I was single' Patrick emphasized. But Kevin hadn't been, and Patrick hadn't given a fuck about that the night he had called him up. He wanted what he wanted, and Jon be damned. But obviously that was too subtle a point for innocent little Patrick tonight.

'Oh, you were single, oh sorry. Yes, no you were...you were single' Kevin's sarcasm dripped poisonously. 'But wasn't it you who let me fuck you, whilst you were still with Richie, without a condom.' Kevin would like to see Patrick explain that one away.

But he didn't even try.

'You cunt' he'd said, directly in Kevin's face as he elbowed him aside to get into the elevator. And Kevin's heart sank. Why the fuck was he attacking him? They were on the same fucking side weren't they? The side of their relationship surviving!

'Yeah, right I'm sorry. I'm just feeling very anxious right now' fucking understatement of the century. How the fuck did they get here? With Kevin suddenly the evil sexually depraved insatiable monster and Patrick the innocent naive angel. When did the conversation deteriorate to this? He had to bring it back somehow, to the simple discussion about people not always being able to resist temptation. And about how they should be dealing with that.

But a part of Kevin was begging him to shut up, just tell Patrick he would be that devoted man he wanted. Because he was. He was fucking devoted. Why wouldn't he just let this go? Why did he have to push Patrick, with stupid fucking scenarios about hand jobs in gyms...

Did he really need Patrick to admit that he wasn't a saint? Wasn't immune to the same temptations other people felt? That he wasn't above getting his hands dirty?

Well apparently, he did, because he continued pushing him. To the very fucking brink. And Patrick still kept trying to run away. He had stopped long enough to declare that even if he had the opportunity to be jerked off by Chris Pratt, he wouldn't do it. Did Patrick really believe that?

'That is bullshit' he told Patrick when Patrick had told him he would walk away from that scenario. But apparently Patrick believed he would walk away because, as he put it,

'I'm with you. Because I would put what I had with you over some quick thrill' Patrick insisted.

'It's just a hand job, just a hand on someone else's penis. It's not going to change what we feel for each other or our lives together' Kevin tried once more to explain. It was the FEELINGS that were important. If Chris Pratt jerked Patrick off, he wouldn't feel nearly as threatened as if Patrick continued to pursue a friendship with Richie. Why the fuck wasn't that obvious?

Kevin continued chasing him into the garage, not letting him go, not letting him leave, but Patrick had obviously had enough. He was done with this conversation.

'Listen. All I can hear right now is that you want to fuck other people' he had cried out. And Kevin had stopped dead in his tracks. Why was that all he could hear? What about the part where he had said that NOTHING could change the way he felt about him.

'And the reason you want to do that is that I'm not enough'

Fuck. Fuck. FUCK! Patrick and his fucking insecurities. Kevin had tried to tell him that he was enough, would always be enough, that it was nothing to do with not being enough! That he wasn't talking about finding anyone to replace him, or to come between them, or to be anywhere remotely near the place Patrick had in his heart. That that could never happen because Patrick WAS enough for him in every possible way that mattered.

He just didn't equate physical monogamy with devotion.

Still, Patrick was done even trying to listen. He had more to say, and it was all fucking devastating.

'All I know is right now I can and I want to make the choice to not fuck other people, and you can't or won't or don't even want to try so where does that put us?'

Kevin hadn't said that. He had not said he wouldn't. He'd just tried to explain why he that wasn't even a choice that he considered important. That's why they were having a conversation. So all these things could be worked out...

So why didn't he just say it now? Why did he feel this need to continue to justify his point of view? Even Patrick had admitted that he couldn't know the future and that anything could happen. Wasn't that enough of a concession? What the fuck was wrong with him that he'd pushed and pushed? Because he wanted Patrick to not consider him an immoral bastard? Because he wanted Patrick to believe that not valuing monogamy didn't make him wrong or evil? Or because he needed to test Patrick's commitment? To see if he'd stay and fight? Fight for Kevin, for them, like he never had before. Because he needed to know that Patrick wasn't looking for a way out?

Well, whatever had driven him so relentlessly, he was fucked. Because here, now, on the moving in day, they were standing in the garage of their building, and Patrick was fucking crying. Fucking heartbroken. And still not finished with what he had to say.

'And the thing is now the fucking cat is out of the bag, so everytime you go to the gym, or get a massage, or go get a fucking bagel I'm going to wonder what you're doing, ok? And you're such a good liar Kevin. I've seen you do it.'

There it was. Well done. That's how he had just fucked himself. In wanting to prove he was honest and could always be trusted to tell the truth, he had pushed Patrick to admit that he would now forever doubt him. Kevin had been a liar, and therefore always could be. Simple as that.

And Kevin had finally let it go. He had said everything he could have, and probably a lot more than he should have. There were no winners in this. At this point he didn't even know what winning would even look like.

Patrick could choose to interpret this whole conversation as proof that they were ultimately incompatible, or he could choose to let this conversation prove to him that they could communicate about anything, always, and their relationship would only be stronger for it.

Kevin had no idea which way Patrick would go, because now, after this evening, he really didn't know if Patrick wanted to be with him or not. How fucking tragic was that?

'What the fuck is this fight about?' he shouted at Patrick, at the end of his tether. He couldn't fight for them against Patrick. They both had to want this to work. Did Patrick?

'What is this fight about? Is this a fight to break us up or to keep us together? ' he continued, desperate now as he felt Patrick slipping away.

Patrick kept walking away, as always, and Kevin followed, as always.

'Do you actually want to be with me because it feels like you're looking for an escape. I mean literally, above your head is a sign that says exit.'

No more bullshit. This was Patrick's fucking decision time. He couldn't take this uncertainty anymore.

'Please, what are you doing? Don't sabotage this before we've even had a chance. I've upturned my life for you. I want us to be together, if it's possible, until we're two old miserable cunts sitting on a porch. But if you don't want that Patrick, if you don't want that, then you should just go Patrick...and go, right now.'

Last night, when Kevin had said that, Patrick had stayed. He had fucking stayed. And Kevin had felt a glimmer of hope that maybe he hadn't pushed too far. They could work through this shit now that he knew Patrick wanted them to. For fuck's sake, they loved each other. They were so compatible, so effortless together that the thought of compromise hadn't even really come up before. But now here it was, the point where they diverged and something had to give to get them back on the same track. And that something was going to be Kevin.

The conversation had continued, finally out of that fucking basement, up on their roof top where they could both breathe again, but Kevin was pretty much talked out and it was now Patrick's turn to be 'honest'. Kevin wondered whether he should advise him not to bother, because honesty had not had the effect he'd wanted. Patrick didn't appreciate him for his honesty. He trusted him less now than before the conversation had started.

Patrick had likened them to the sleep number mattress. Two very different numbers, two very different people. Really? Foolish Kevin had believed they were so similar in so many ways. Even so, wasn't that the point of the mattress? That two people with different views could sleep comfortably on the same bed? But when Patrick had seemed so heartbroken at the thought of having to compromise on this, Kevin hadn't even hesitated. He would change. He could. He would, for Patrick, because that's what people who wanted to stay in relationships did. And because the alternative, losing Patrick, was unthinkable.

Yet even as he told Patrick that he could change, even as he begged him to stay, to trust him, as he tried to persuade him this was working, he could still hear the words that had scared him more than anything.

'I feel like maybe your heart works one way and mine works the other' Patrick had said, mournfully.

'No, I don't believe that. I don't believe that' Kevin had wanted to make him take those words back, his eyes filling with tears. He wasn't so different. His heart wasn't a lying cheating useless thing. It wasn't. His heart worked and loved the same as Patrick's. All he'd wanted was the chance to prove it by vowing never to lie.

But Patrick still wasn't finished.

'and what makes it really fucking sad and frustrating is that deep down I've always known that and I've just ignored it because I just wanted this so much. I wanted to be in love and be in a relationship and prove to myself, and my friends, and my family, and fuck to prove to the entire world that I was actually capable of being in one.'

No. He didn't believe that either. He couldn't. He wouldn't believe that the past few weeks had just been about Patrick playing at being a grown up. Experimenting at being in love. That was not fucking possible.

But Patrick had chosen to stay again, a second time, this time in their bed, so surely that meant he didn't really believe those things he'd said either. Surely it meant he had said them just in the depths of despair. The way Kevin had pushed for longer than he should have out of his anxiety. Because if he did mean them, and Patrick really had ignored and suppressed doubts about Kevin and about them being able to be together, just in the hopes of proving that he was now a fully functioning adult, if Patrick really had just been using him to prove a point...where did that leave Kevin's heart?

Kevin had to believe that Patrick's staying meant none of those things he'd said really represented how he felt. Kevin finally fell asleep, exhausted, with Patrick's words replaying in his head, as he tried to find different meaning for them, meanings that wouldn't leave him blooded and bruised.

So...the fact that Patrick was no longer here this morning...that he had left no message, was unreachable, what did THAT mean?

Kevin heard the key turning in the lock, and his heart started racing. Patrick was back. Fuck. He was back. Thank christ he was back...This time Patrick hadn't run away. This time Patrick was walking towards Kevin, not away from him...

Patrick walked in.

Fuck.

So, how had they got here, to this point, from where they'd started, as two strangers on a boat, who'd caught each other's eye? Well, it was a long fucking story, but it looked like he finally knew the end.

Fuck.