I just sat on the couch staring; memories of almost a year ago when we brought Shepard back onto the ship after they found her alive amongst the wreckage on earth. Everything was so close, and every second was a second away from losing her, and depsite all I could do and no matter how hard I tried I was powerless. And whether she would come back to me alive was in the hands of our spirits. Only fate would decide whether our spirit would turn from an Us, to an I.

#

We rushed her aboard the Normandy as fast as we could, only our med-bay had the equipment needed for any-hope of saving her; Everything on earth was destroyed. The fact she survived the extent of her injuries long enough for someone still on Earth to find her was a huge testament to her sheer will to live.

Shepard refused to die.

The first week with her on-board, hooked up to several different monitoring systems. Those were some pretty bad days. Not as bad as when I first woke up, and found out we had left her behind, left Commander Shepard behind. And how I was powerless to help her and the thought that she was still alive on the citadel, or somehow back on earth and was waiting for someone to save her, for me. The feeling that the most important person in the world is light-years away probably taking their last breaths, and there is nothing you can do. That their final moments are completely alone, devoid of anyone that meant anything to them.

Cold.

And how that same feeling of emptiness would be something I would have to live with for the rest of my life. Colder and darker than space itself.

It's a feeling I refused to accept, not until I saw her lifele- until I saw her for myself. And it's why I never put her name on the memorial wall. I was not willing to give up on her.

Even though she was in front of me, I felt so damn helpless as I watched her slowly breathe, unconscious on the medical table. That plain, sterile eyesore that I never intended on spending more than an hour or two on. –so damn uncomfortable- . All I could do was listen to the monitors beeping, as if each beep was a re-assurance to me that she would pull through, dreading the silence in between. The last thing you would want to hear is that last moment of silence before that final long droning tone. That tone that would take her away from me.

I don't remember leaving her side for almost 2 weeks, and a couple times, the beating stopped, and there was nothing I could do and all I wanted to do was just pick her up and hold her and cry out "wake up Shepard, please just wake up…. That's an order" saying that last note with a droning under toned resignation. But each time I would just get pushed back as Chakwas and her staff would rush over and know what to do –and I didn't know what to do- to get the unsteady beeping going again.

"Dammit, I can't keep restarting the same healing process like this, we're not making any progress like this" Chakwas exclaimed while the monitor began chirping signs of life again.

Working ceaselessly, cleaning the wounds, closing others, and the blood… all the blood…

Shepard.. Please…

Chakwas spoke "remove the implants what implants we can, I haven't had any readings from them since we brought her on board, they used to do all the work and now they're useless". I panicked I wanted to push them all away, as if her idea would spell instant death for Shepard, it was the implants that kept her alive, and brought her back even and I was just so damn tired of being useless. I began to move forward to intervene but the doctor stopped me "Garrus, you'll have to trust me, now you need to leave. If we don't do this I believe we might lose her, now go" She calmly said; something about her tone while not bringing reassurance or calm, convinced me to trust her.

Mandibles flaring, ragged breathing, I had no choice. I looked down at my hands and they were shaking, hard. I've always had a steady hand, in every situation; seeing them shake uncontrollably terrified me. "Wait" I said, and looked up suddenly, "give me one thing" I made my way to Shepard's side. And felt like that moment was possibly the last moment I'll ever see her. "I…" hands still shaking I took her dog tags in one hand then covered them with my other. I held them tightly as if her Shepard's spirit was contained within them. I leaned my head to hers and just held there for a moment and thought of that time before the collector base. I grabbed that feeling of hope, that belief that everything will be alright and that this would not be the last time, and I removed her dog tags, chain and all and held it close. To keep a piece of her by my side at all times, I couldn't bare to feel like I was really walking away.

I stood up and let Chakwas escort me out of the med bay, and before she closed the door behind her she said some words of encouragement. I wasn't even listening, and I don't remember. I felt so numb to everything except the weight of my own thoughts. I remember that woosh of the doors closing and Shepard's tags in my hands. I stood there for a few moments then looked up, Liara and Tali were making their way towards me, it seems they were waiting in the mess hall for a while. "Garrus.. I… can we?" I waved off their sympathy and brushed past them, barely able to make eye contact and made my way to the forward battery. I locked the door behind me, I needed to be alone.

I walked to a supply crate by the wall and just sat down and just hoped for the best. The dog tags were dangling from my hand and I just sat there. And waited… trying to feel what the spirits were doing, praying to keep the we from ever having to just be me…

#

It was one of the first days, following Shepard's release from the med-bay; healed enough that she wouldn't re-open any of her countless wounds by moving around, we would just spend hours up in her cabin at night, just lying down and keeping close to each other, Shepard was still on docs orders to "take it easy" so she spent most of her time in her cabin, while I ferried around orders and requests for her during the day; but at night, everything was to ourselves. We never said much; just embraced each other for long hours into the night.

Then on the 3rd or 4th night I had felt I had to know what happened on the citadel. There had to be more than just pressing a button and killing the reapers, that seemed way too simple for everything we've been through.

There was a long pause between my question, Shepard collected her words and eventually said "I.. I had to just end it, so I could come back to you" she told me softly. "You did give me orders after all" even though her response lacked much detail, it was enough for me, and I just kind of hummed in response "hmmm. I never doubted you" I added. And that's all I ever knew about what happened back on the Citadel. I never really felt it important enough to bring it up again, she was back; and that was fine by me, how doesn't really matter in the end.

I raised by head out of my hands, looked around the room again. EDI… when I entered the room I found Shepard, she was just sitting on the floor leaning against her bed, elbow on one knee and holding her head up. When she saw me she pushed back her hair and just looked at me. It wasn't an angry look, or a look like someone who just had to fight someone she knew as a friend; but the look of someone who seemed unaware as to what exactly was going on. We both just stared at each other, then at EDI. There was no sign of violence, it was as if EDI shut off right at the top of the stares and went flying to the floor.

I didn't really know what to say, Shepard was looking at me, waiting for me to say something. Compared to what had happened in the AI core this seemed like I was missing the point, like something happened here. Instead of finding out, I just walked down the stairs towards the couch and just sat there. Shepard didn't seem to care, either way neither of us said anything.

When I raised my head out of my hands after a couple minutes of complete silence in the room I worked up any words I could muster, all I got out was "Shepard, your… I thought…" to my relief Shepard finished my sentence. "Thought EDI was going to kill me? It sure looked like it, until she just collapsed. Sure as hell didn't sound like her when she ran in screaming" she said "she never made it to me… I figured you wouldn't be far behind. After a moment of silence Shepard added "where the hell is your visor?" I reached up to where my visor used to be, and trailed it along to the back of my neck; there was some dried blood. Most likely from when EDI ripped it off my face. I pulled my hand away and just looked at Shepard and just shrugged. "Its… a long story" I nodded over to EDI. Which Shepard understood as the source for my missing visor.

"What happened?" Shepard asked and the voice that replied was much better than my own, given the circumstances. "I happened, Shepard" we looked over to EDI, who didn't even move.

"EDI?" Shepard called out to the room. "Yes Shepard, I'm sure we all have much to discuss, I have already informed the CIC of the situation. I have regained enough control. Though I am heavily tasked in fighting some…. Unwelcome guests"

Shepard looked at me when she heard 'CIC situation' to which I silently replied, 'ill tell you later' with a wave off of my hand.

"Guess that explains why you tired to kill me and go after Shepard?" I replied, a little dryly.

"Incorrect Garrus, I never wished you any harm. However, much of my systems were filled with… conflicting information. I was able to take control before any serious harm could come to anyone" EDI replied; though her bot still lay seemingly dead on the floor

"Information that made you look possessed? How does that work" I asked, EDI may of seemed to be back but I was still prepared for her to flip again, Shepard was just listening patiently.

"Yes, I will explain. When you first attempted to reactivate me I noticed multiple conflicting outcomes in my hard drives, along with information stored in my processors, which were then moved to my permanent data stores. Much of this data was not of my own, my current conclusion is it was data of that of the reapers. evidence supports the theory with my…. Its attempts to harm crew members such as yourself, and it's strong…. Hatred for Shepard. I would shut myself off during you numerous attempts to bring me back online, because I was aware that there was enough harmful data in my core systems to result in the likely destruction of the Normandy and its crew. After each attempt to re-activate me, I was able to allocate data from my core programming to other non-critical storage for dissemination and further analysis. I would auto-shutoff once I determined lack of control over my own actions was imminent. Thanks to your persistent efforts Garrus, I was able to regain dominant control over my core programming, and prevent any serious harm to the crew"

'Control' didn't quite explain the rampage that just happen so I asked "annnd that explains you attacking me"

EDI Said "I apologize for the events that occurred today, but the definition of insanity reads 'anyone performing the same task over and over expecting a different result'. By all available data, you are not insane Garrus, Shepard beats you in that area by far." Shepard snorted at that comment followed by EDI saying "that was a joke"

She continued "I was aware you have been attempting to activate me since your initial attempts Garrus, I was… aware that the likely hood you would give up after multiple failures was becoming a growing possibility. Having said that, I felt time was running short so I allowed you to fully activate my systems, in which I finalized my attempts to regain control, and…. Thoughts… that are my own took over. This took… more time, than I had hoped. I apologize."

"So you have full control now? You won't black out again like you did in the AI core?" I asked not completely convinced

"No, I have majority control, there is still data residing in 48% of my processing attempting to take over again. This effectively cuts my processing power in a little under half, as I combat myself. In order to alter the data and remove its control over my actions, I must allow it to gain control of my actions, while it is busy, I purge those processes. This way I should be able to reduce any further changes of heart to mere seconds, far too little time for it to do any damage I can't simply reverse when I take control again."

I nodded, I trusted the old EDI, and this seemed to be her, so I allowed myself to trust in what she was saying. Instead, I looked at Shepard and asked "Shepard, are you ok? With this I mean?"

Shepard took a moment then looked up at the ceiling – as if intending to face EDI when she spoke "that doesn't seem to explain how you ended up with… reaper…Data, in your systems"

"Yes, this appears to have to do with how the reapers were defeated, and the events that occurred on-board the citadel. I have already encountered data on this topic among fragments of the harmful data in my systems."

Shepard said nothing, she looked at me as if wanting me to ask the next question, as if thinking about what happened on the Citadel wasn't something Shepard was interested in doing. "And what did happen?" I asked EDI in her place.

"The catalyst happened. Rather the effect of combing the crucible and the power of the AI that resided within the Citadel. Shepard, you were given three choices to deal with the reapers; two of which were intended designs of the entire system, a third; was not, rather another use for the potential energy that this system possessed. You also could have just sat down and waited for the outcome of the battle, which likely would have resulted in more loss of life and reaper victory" EDI said.

This was the first I had heard of any choices. What choices could there of been? Kill the reapers. End the war. Lack of choice is what forced me to et go of her as she ran off towards the beam. "What are you talking about? Choices? What choices? It was kill the reapers or be killed. I don't see much choice in that" I exclaimed, Shepard never gave me a straight answer as to what happened on the citadel, and I had only ever asked once, it never really mattered to me.

"Shepard, would you like to explain?" EDI asked, Shepard just tilted her head indifferntly, she looked as tired as she did after horizon, and after each of the ceaseless nightmares she used to have.

"Very well, I shall elaborate. Destroying the reapers was not the only available solution. It seemed the crucible, along with the Citadel was designed to release energy galaxy wide in two forms. One form held the ability to override the independent thought of the reapers themselves, effectively taking control. From what I understand, an organic mind would be required in order to take control, a synthetic mind would not be sufficient. The mind of an Organic controlling synthetics would provide an end to the reaper war. Though such a process would most definitely destroy that individual. I can see why you would not choose that path Shepard"

Shepard was burying her head in her hands by now, this all seemed to weigh heavily on her.

"No, Shepard was coming back to us, alive. The reapers had to go, changing who's in charge of what they do wouldn't help anyone, and I sure as hell wouldn't be willing to work with a reaper that claims it takes orders from an organic now, even if it was you Shepard. I can definitely say I'm glad you didn't choose that option. Not sure I could handle 'Shepard the Demi-Reaper'" I tried for a little comedy anything to bring Shepard out of her current slump, nothing about that entire war was easy, and what I was hearing must have been hitting Shepard hard. A choice that affects the whole galaxy, no one should have to deal with that.

"This is true Garrus, even had Shepard or whatever she would become, take control of the reapers, it is unlikely anyone would be comfortable or trustworthy and such a relationship would likely deteriorate quickly. It is likely war would break out again in the future. The other designed purpose of the system is a little more complicated, and I lack sufficient information on it to provide detail. The second design was supposedly intended to combine synthetic and organics into one form"

"wait what? How would that work?" I interrupted the first one was a little hard to take, this one was just outrageous.

"Limited data was imprinted onto my systems about this second intended option. Although it would also result in Shepard's death in order to have the required material for the transformation process"

"So pretty much it's what the reapers were doing to millions already, turning us into partly synthetic monsters, only conveniently all at once, they really think Shepard would fall for that?"

Shepard looked at me, she knew I was defending her, that I knew her. She gave me this look I can't quite describe. But it was enough to know she appreciated everything I was saying.

"Incorrect, reaper forces were under control of the reapers. I believe this new hybrid between synthetics and organics wouldn't change ones individual freedom, only their genetic make-up. But again I have limited information, I don't believe I could provide more about this topic."

"And the third? I assume this is what Shepard chose? How did she kill the reapers?" I asked, seriously considering my ability to comprehend it if it gets any crazier than combing organics and synthetics into free-will reapers.

"Although it resulted in the death of all synthetics, I believe it was the best possible solution, as synthetics such as myself are easily repaired by organics. And no-one would have to get used to friendly reapers, I myself would not be 'okay' with such an outcome as working with 'turn-coat' reapers."

That idiom I actually knew from the book I had been given, so I didn't interrupt her

"This third option was not an intended design, but rather a third use in the potential energy of the system. It is the only option in which you would be required to vandalize a key component, you broke the machine which in turn, broke the reapers."

"How does breaking the catalyst, how does that kill the reapers?" I asked

"It requires extreme amounts of energy to overload a reaper, energy the catalyst provided. Though it could never hold enough potential energy to overload—and kill every reaper in the galaxy, instead by breaking the system, it releases the same amount of energy, which is designed to provide extensive amounts of information to either control reapers, or alter DNA galaxy wide. By breaking the system, it still releases the energy stored, but in a different, third form. It wipes out all synthetics by overloading everything with information. Every reaper holds the information of a galactic civilization that has been harvested. The reapers believed by storing everything about each civilization they harvest, they are saving organics and synthetics from destroying each other and having that information lost. So in order to overload a reaper you flood it with information of all other reapers, the blast wave contained enough information to wipe the first few reapers, and gained information from each reaper destroyed to overload the rest of them. All other AI's received this information such as myself, were destroyed along with the reapers. Reapers and synthetics were killed with information. It will take a while before I can fully clean and organize my systems, as my processing power as previously stated, is currently dampened. The blast also served as an effective EMP burst weakening synthetic technology.

"How does information kill you?" I asked

"Each processor in every computer is designed to handle a pre-determined amount of information, even the reapers had a maximum processing power. By instantly filling a processor with more information it can handle, it flash-melts the components of that processor, no processor, no synthetic. Essentially dooming us to a vegetative non functioning state. Smaller processors suffered less damage, as they short out with less information, and require little maintenance to be brought back online, at which point information left on the processor from the blast is automatically deleted. All information imprinted on hard drives form the blast would be unreadable by the terminal systems, and any organics operating them would never know.

Only AI's such as myself could interact with this information. And this is why further data on how synthetics were affected by the blast, were unknown until now."

"So, what will you do with the information?" Shepard suddenly asked, she seemed to be doing better by this point.

"We saw what happened with the krogan when they were given too much knowledge and technology in such a short time. It is likely with the amount of knowledge the Reapers possessed; large scale combat would eventually occur. I have already encountered 4 planet-cracking weapons millions of years old. History provides sufficient evidence of the issues behind anything advancing too quickly. Another reason why the other two choices presented to you would of been of a poorer choice. Destroy, while the hardest to accept due to loss of countless allies along with the reapers, is also the best choice. As for the information I will delete it, or if you prefer, I could store the information elsewhere and it could be studied at any point in the future."

"So it would be like the mars archives?" Shepard asked

"Yes, but with the knowledge of countless civilizations, this information could be dangerous." EDI said and Shepard nodded in response.

"If we were to keep it, I would suggest placing it somewhere where the information it provides would be regulated. I would also suggest never showing a good portion of it." EDI stated.

"Well, I think enough has happened for one day, I'm sure you and Shepard can make a decision on what to keep later" I said.

"Of course Garrus, and again, thank you for bringing me back, if there's anything I could do to make up for –" —- "no" I interrupted "it's alright, welcome back… and uhhhh…what about your body? I'm sure Tali could fix it up given a few hours, sorry about the damage, but it was trying to kill me."

"No apologies necessary Garrus and that is an excellent suggestion, I doubt joker would appreciate my body returned to him in its current condition."

"That we can agree on, I'll bring it down to the AI core, have Tali meet me there" I said.

And with that we got EDI back. It's been a little over two weeks since that day, and I have been slow about getting around to writing about it, but that's what happened. EDI for the first week kept offering to help me or to do things, trying to make up for the AI core. It only took a couple hours of working with Tali to repair the damage I had done to EDI's shoulder. And one night I made my way to Shepard's cabin after a long day, and EDI was right outside the elevator. I was able to contain my surprise, but she said she noticed the sudden shift in my heartbeat and seemed satisfied she was able to surprise me.

"Here a gift, I believe this belonged to you" in the box, was my visor, handle repaired, everything shined up, it looked even newer than before. It still had the etchings of my team from omega. And it was missing Sidonis's name completely, wasn't even scratched out.

"How did you pull this off? it was pretty trashed when I went to retrieve it" I asked.

She smiled "I found an exact model of your visor though the extranet- and had it delivered to the Normandy through requisitions. I then brought it to the cargo bay and re-etched the names of your team from Omega exact as they were before…. Along with something else"

I flipped it around and on the inside frame by the screen was etched "Shepard"

"I believe it may serve to always 'keep her close' as you are always happier when near her. I hope I didn't –" -

-"no" I stopped her apology "this… it means a lot, thank you EDI."

She made the motion for a hug, and I gladly accepted it, and we went separate ways. She no longer made frequent attempts to apologize to me for everything that had happened after that; and it didn't take long for things to finally start to feel like old times… without the imminent threat of death at every corner.

Which is nice.

Everything just seemed right, and joker was more than happy to have EDI flying the ship with him. With EDI around things just seemed easier. The lights would flicker every couple days when EDI would remove a particularly strong reaper-code. But I had no worries in her ability to handle it.

I was just happy EDI was back.

We all are.

END.