"But maybe you never really had someone, she thought now. Maybe, no matter how much you loved them, they could slip through your fingers like water, and there was nothing you could do about it."

Cassandra Clare

She walked down the street, her hands in her pockets.

It had been a week since she'd spoken to Jay.

She couldn't get it out of her mind, everything he'd said, the look in his eyes that he got when he realized just how far she'd fallen, the way he begged to help her. She didn't think it would make a difference. People had tried to help her before, hell, she'd even tried to help people before.

She'd tried to help Nadia.

And all she ended up doing was getting her killed.

At this point, Erin was doing anything to avoid going back to her apartment. She hadn't stepped inside in three days. For the past three nights, she'd either slept at her mom's place or at the house of someone she'd met at the bar.

She couldn't go back to her empty apartment again.

She walked through an old rusty gate that creaked as she slowly shut it. It was a cemetery. She weaved through the headstones, feeling a chill run down her spine, a little bit creeped out to be there so late at night. But she hadn't visited in a while.

She approached Nadia's headstone cautiously.

She bent down and placed a small, dainty bouquet of flowers at the foot of it and sighed, but didn't say anything. She stood in the cemetery until the wind blowing the freezing air became too much for her. She turned away from the headstone and headed for the gate.

She walked out onto the sidewalk and started making her way back towards her mom's bar which was a few blocks over. She stopped by a tree next to a streetlight. Its large leaves and branches created a large shadow over part of the sidewalk.

Erin stepped into the shadow and leaned against the tree. She reached into her pocket and pulled out a bottle of pills she'd slipped out of Landon's house the last time she went. They'd been sitting on his dresser, among others, but she took the ones she thought would be the strongest.

She looked up at the sky and popped a few of the pills in her mouth.

Slipping the bottle back in her coat pocket, she turned and continued walking down the street. Halfway to her mom's bar, she started to feel the effects and the last thing she remembered was walking through the doors of the bar and grabbing a drink.

She woke up a few hours later and pulled her phone out of her pocket, using it to check the time. It was 2:45 in the morning, but she wasn't tired. She felt buzzed, probably still tipsy, but not tired.

She was in someone's house, on someone's couch.

To her left, she saw there was a group of people in the kitchen and a group in the dining room, playing cards around the table. In a chair right next to her, she saw a guy. He looked like he was on something, swaying slightly in his chair, as if dancing to a song that only he could hear. He smiled at her and raised his eyebrows, but she looked away and sat up.

Taking a moment to gather herself and fix her hair, she walked into the kitchen. The group greeted her and she entered their conversation, as if she'd known them forever. It was easy talking to people when they were drunk or high. People were more easy-going, less judgmental, less serious.

She connected particularly well with a cute brunette guy who'd obviously had a few drinks. He had a big, cheeky smile and a good sense of humor. He was wearing all black except for his gray t-shirt, black shoes, black pants, black jacket. She kept trying to read his shirt, but she was too drunk to figure it out. She thought it was some kind of band thing, but she couldn't be sure.

The music got louder as the people had more and more to drink.

The brunette, whose name slipped her mind, touched her arm, "Do you want to go somewhere quiet and talk?" He asked, flashing his smile at her.

Erin nodded slowly, "Sure."

"Okay, you find a room. I'll get us some drinks."

She nodded and made her way through the apartment or house or wherever they were. She opened a few doors to find the rooms already occupied. The third room she tried was empty so she walked in and sat on the bed.

A few minutes later, the cute brunette walked in.

"This one is mine." He said, smirking as he showed her the side of the cup where he'd written his name. She squinted to read it, able to make out an S so in her mind, she called him Spencer, just for the sake of giving him a name.

Spencer handed her a second cup, "Here's yours."

She smiled as she took it out of his hand, "What is it?"

Spencer shrugged, "The girl I got it from said it was something fruity, but I figured you wouldn't like that so I poured some vodka in it. So I'd say, half vodka, half…something fruity?" He smirked.

Erin sipped it, tasting both the strong vodka and the sweet tang of fruit, "And why wouldn't you think I'd like something fruity?" She asked, raising her eyebrows as he sat down next to her on the bed.

Spencer shrugged, "Honestly, you seem like a badass. I see that look in your eyes…" He smirked, "Like you don't put up with bullshit."

"Bullshit like fruity drinks?"

"Exactly."

Spencer smiled at her and held out his cup, "To a night that we may or may not remember, but to people that are impossible to forget." He grinned at her.

Erin hit her cup against his.

Spencer winked at her as he chugged his drink quickly, letting out a few coughs once he was done, "There was a lot more in there then I thought."

Erin looked into her cup. It was more than half full, but not to be outdone, she tilted her head back and tossed the drink down, the bitter taste of vodka burning her tongue. When she was done, she blinked a few times, "Wow."

Spencer nodded slowly, "Right?" He shrugged, "I should be a bartender."

Erin smiled a little bit and shrugged.

"Aren't you hot?" He asked, pulling on her coat, "Why don't you take that off, get comfortable?"

Erin smirked and looked at him, "Oh now you want me to take off my clothes?" She raised her eyebrows and stood up, slowly, slipping her coat off, practically able to feel him watching her. She hung it up on a nearby chair and slipping her phone into the front pocket of her jeans.

Spencer smiled, looking at the simple long sleeve sweater she had on. "Looks comfortable." He asked, reaching out and feeling the edge of it. He looked down and saw the combat boots she had on, "I like those." He nodded to them, "I'm really into this badass, dark, I-don't-give-a-shit thing you've got going on." He leaned in so that all he had to do was whisper, "It's sexy."

He smiled as he leaned in and pressed his lips to hers, the kiss soft to start, but once he pulled back and put his hand on her cheek, the kiss felt more passionate, more about the heat that was growing between them.

The drinks started kicking in after that.

They moved up so that they were laying down on the bed. Spencer was on top of her, suspended over her as they kissed. And at first, she was kissing back.

But then she started getting dizzy, finding it harder and harder to focus on what was happening. He easily slipped off his shirt and then smiled as he gently pulled hers off over her head too.

Erin, feeling more and more disoriented with every passing moment, reached up and put her hand on Spencer's stomach, pushing him back as he continued kissing her.

He looked down, confused, "Hey, what's wrong, baby?"

Erin gulped, "I don't…feel…good." She choked out, only now realizing how hard it was for her to move her arms. She kept her hand on his stomach, keeping him back.

"Shhh…." Spencer said, taking her hand easily off his stomach and setting it back down at her side, "You probably won't even remember any of this is morning…" He said as he kissed her neck.

That was when Erin realized what was happening. She tried to push him off, but her weak arms did little to stop him. She felt like she was going to black out, but she fought to stay awake because she didn't know what would happen if she passed out.

"Did you put something in my drink?" She asked, even though she already knew the answer.

Spencer shook his head, "No." He said, rolling his eyes as he stood up from the bed and reached into the pocket of her coat, taking out the bottle of pills and setting them on the nightstand next to the bed they were on, "You just must be some kind of junkie…or at least that's what the cops will think."

"They won't believe you."

Spencer shook his head, "You were drunk and high…how could you possibly remember correctly?" He kissed her lightly.

"Stop."

"Shh, baby." Spencer said as he undid his belt.

Erin reached into her pocket and pulled out her phone while Spencer was distracted, kissing her neck. She dialed a number on her recent calls list, "Get off of me." She tried to say, her voice weak and her head cloudy.

Spencer moved down and unbuttoned her jeans. As he did, she moved the phone under her arm so he wouldn't see it. He started to pull her jeans off and while he was distracted by that, she moved the phone up towards her face, sliding it underneath the pillow.

"Help!" She tried to call out, but it didn't come out as loud as she'd hoped, "Someone help me!"

Spencer smiled, his face suddenly even with hers, "No one can hear you." He said with a smirk, "Just relax, baby." He leaned over her, the bed tilting with his weight. Her phone slid out from under the pillow and hit the floor, but Spencer didn't seem to notice.

Focusing on what was happening was getting harder for Erin as Spencer continued kissing her. The edges of her vision blacked out first. She tried to move, but found herself to be completely incapacitated. The last thing she saw before she blacked out fully was Spencer's horrifyingly charismatic grin.

She wasn't sure how long she was out.

She didn't have any dreams, just darkness.

It was almost peaceful, almost like she was gone, finally released from the pain that was gripping her, pulling her down. She didn't have thoughts, she didn't have worries, she was just in darkness.

But it didn't last.

She was pulled out of the blackness by a two hands grabbing her arm. They shook her gently. And then sounds started to fade in. She heard a voice come from right next to her, but she still couldn't move.

"Erin?" She couldn't make out who it was.

And then she heard a second voice, "She's not waking up?" It was Voight.

"No." The first voice replied.

"She shouldn't be passed out for much longer…" Voight said, "There must be something wrong…"

"I could give her more fluids, but I'm not sure that would help." A third voice said, it was a woman.

"Let's just give her more time." The first voice said and that time when he spoke, she recognized it to be Jay. "She's gonna wake up." He said with certainty.

Erin tried to move again, but with no luck. But she knew she was fading back in because her hearing was getting clearer and she almost felt like she could open her eyes.

"Hey, she's moving."

Finally, she was able to move her arms, but not as much as she should have been able to. And then, she could move her legs. Slowly, she opened her eyes. She was on a couch in someone's house. She saw Jay kneeling on the ground next to the couch, watching her. Voight was standing at the end of the couch by her feet and Brett, the paramedic from Firehouse 51 was standing next to Voight.

She blinked a few times.

"Hey." Jay said from next to her, "How are you doing?"

She gulped, "I'm…okay." She said, her voice quiet and weak.

Jay nodded slowly.

Brett moved closer, "Hey Erin, mind if I take your vitals really quick?"

Erin shook her head.

Brett moved quickly, taking her vitals and writing down the results on a napkin on the coffee table behind Jay. She examined them when she was done, "Everything looks normal. Your blood pressure and heart rate are a little bit low, but once you come down completely and eat something, you should be fine."

"Thanks so much, Brett." Voight said, "Here, I'll walk you out."

They walked around the corner, out of sight.

Erin rested her gaze on Jay, "What…happened?" She asked, moving her arm up and pushing some hair out of her face, finding it challenging to even do that.

Jay looked down for a moment and then raised his eyes back to her, "Last night, in the middle of the night, I uh, I got a call from you. I heard you calling for help and some guy threatening you so I called Mouse and he tracked your phone. I got to the house where you were and busted down the room and found you. The guy was still on top of you. I don't think he'd done anything…yet, looked like he might have done some coke after you passed out."

Voight re-entered the room.

"I, uh, I wanted to take you to the hospital, but the guy had put coke all over you and there were pills on the dresser so I wasn't sure if you'd done anything…and I didn't want you to get arrested if I took you to the hospital…"

"So he called me." Voight joined in, "I brought you back here to my house and called Brett. She came here and helped, hooked you up to an IV and gave you fluids."

"What about…?" She didn't remember the guy's name.

Jay nodded, "The guy? His name was Stuart James."

"We got him, found the roofies in his pocket. He must have slipped one in your drink." Voight told her, "So he and I took a trip down to the silos. I can guarantee he won't ever step foot in Chicago again."

Erin nodded slowly, looking back and forth between the two of them, "Thank you." She said genuinely, "I…I really needed help and you came through, thank you for that." She looked at Jay.

He nodded, "I told you I was looking out for you."

Voight nodded too, "But now, we need to talk, Erin." He said, "We found these pills on the nightstand…" He held up the bottle, "Did you take any of these?"

"No." Erin answered.

Voight raised his eyebrows, "Don't lie to me."

Erin looked up at him, hating the look of disappointment he was giving her, "I took a couple before the party I went to."

Voight nodded, "Did you drink after it?"

Erin nodded.

Voight sighed and nodded, "What about coke? You were covered in it when Halstead found you. Did you do any of that?" He asked, looking at her expectantly.

"No."

Voight stared at her, "Are you lying?"

"No!" Erin exclaimed, "I know I lied the first time, but I'm telling you the truth. I don't do coke anymore." She said, shaking her head, "And that's the truth."

Voight nodded slowly, not taking his eyes off of her, "I believe you." He said, "But I hope now you can see how much you've slipped. You're out partying every night, you're drinking, doing drugs, you're taking advice from Bunny…I think it's about time you stop and re-evaluate what you're doing with your life."

Erin sighed, looking up at him, "It's my life." She said, "Your help and advice was appreciated when I was teenager, but I'm a grown woman now and if I needed or wanted your help, I would have asked for it." She retorted.

"Oh, so you don't need help?" Voight asked her, "You're going out getting drunk and getting high every night, Erin. If you keep going like this, you're gonna lose your apartment, you're gonna lose everything you worked so hard for, you might even end up dead. Is that what you want?"

Erin didn't reply.

"I don't know how to get through to you." Voight said, shaking his head, "You don't listen to me, you don't listen to Halstead, you don't listen to anybody. Well, I hope you hear this: Nadia was doing stuff like this before she met you, but she wanted to change. She wanted to live a better life. You should want that too."

Jay nodded slowly, "It's your life. You can do what you want to do, but I think you know that what you're doing isn't helping." He said, "You can't keep pretending it didn't happen."

Erin sat up abruptly.

"Hey, hey, woah…slow down." Jay tried.

But Erin was too worked up to hear him, "You think I'm pretending it didn't happen?" She asked, tears springing to her eyes before she could even stop them, "I wake up every morning remembering what happened to her. Even if I wanted to forget, I wouldn't be able to. Don't you get it? That's why I'm doing this…because of what happened to her."

"No, I don't get it." Voight replied, "How is any of this related to Nadia?"

Erin moved to get up, "Forget it." She said, looking over at him, "Forget I said anything. You know what? Forget I was even here." She tried to stand up, but couldn't, her legs were still too weak from the drugs.

"You're not going anywhere, Erin." Voight said, "I'm tired of this back and forth."

"Yea, well-"

Voight cut her off, "Let me finish." He snapped, voice harsh and cold. When she stopped talking, he continued, "I'm tired of watching you hurt yourself." He said softly, "But I'm also tired of watching you hurt, period." He pulled a white paper out of his pocket, unfolded it and set it on the table.

"We went to your apartment yesterday and found that sitting on the table." Jay said, picking up the piece of paper. He looked at her and then down at the words on the page, "I woke up today, for the first time in a long time feeling like my life was worthless."

Erin recognized the words.

It was from the note she'd written when she was contemplating suicide. She couldn't look Jay in the eyes as he read.

"Maybe it always has been. There are over 6 billion people on this planet and one more or one less won't change anything. And maybe I thought it mattered. Nadia made me think it mattered…I thought I saved her, but we see how that turned out. It doesn't matter. Maybe nothing does. I'm sorry." Jay finished and set the paper down.

Erin was looking down at her hands. It took everything she had to keep them from shaking. She could feel Jay's gaze on her, but the thought of looking into his eyes made her feel sick.

"What were you thinking of doing?" He asked.

Erin didn't reply, she couldn't.

Jay touched her knee, "Look at me." He tried, "What were you gonna do?"

Erin still didn't look up.

Jay wasn't satisfied. He pushed harder, "Erin, answer me. What were you sorry for? What were you going to do when you wrote this?" He asked, lifting the letter up again, pushing it towards her.

Erin finally looked up. She snatched the letter from his hand, "I was going to kill myself, okay? I was going to take enough pills that I could just slip off!" She yelled at him, tears in her eyes, "Are you happy now?" She shook her head, "This was private." She held up the note, "My apartment, my thoughts and feelings, are private. And now, you're using them against me like some kind of leverage?" She asked, the tears pooling in her eyes.

"That's not what we were trying to do…" Jay scrambled.

Erin shook her head, "That's exactly what you were trying to do." She said, "It's like interrogation. You do anything you can to throw them off balance so you can get them to do what you want, right? Well, is this what you wanted?" She asked, putting her arms out, "I'm off balance…" She crumpled up the paper, "I hope you feel good about yourselves." She threw the piece of paper at Jay.

It hit him in the chest and then bounced to the floor.

Erin pushed herself up off the couch, her legs wobbling underneath her. She saw Jay offer her a hand to steady her, but she didn't take it. She just walked out of the living room and to her old room where she sat on her old bed in the dark, the familiar feeling of tears streaming down her face as she stared through the darkness.

"In the kingdom of glass everything is transparent, and there is no place to hide a dark heart."

Vera Nazarian

A/N: Sorry it's been a while, I was really busy. I hope you like this chapter, please review and let me know what you think. And don't worry, there's still some more chapters left for Erin to figure out what to do. Thanks so much for reading!