"Talking won't change it. But sometimes it was what she wanted most, to tell someone; often, though, she just wanted to escape those horrid feelings, to escape herself, so there was no pain, no fear, no ugliness."

Melissa Marr

Jay sipped his coffee, looking up at Voight, "Has she come out yet today?" He asked, glancing at the clock. It was 10:00 in the morning.

Voight shook his head, "Not yet. I thought I heard her moving around about an hour ago, but she didn't come out here, not even for food." He shrugged, "She's probably still mad from yesterday…"

Jay nodded slowly, looking down at his cup, "Was it wrong, what we did?" He asked, "I mean, it kind of was an invasion of her privacy and even when we did find it, did we really have the right to use it against her like we did?"

Voight sighed, "How else were we supposed to get through to her?" He asked, looking up at the ceiling, "If she wants to play hard ball, we have to play right back. She needed that, it was a wake up call." He said definitively.

"I guess." Jay replied, thinking it over, "You think she's ever gonna come out?"

Voight shrugged, "It's probably about time we try to get her out." He said, walking down the hall to her door. He knocked on it, "Erin, hey, we're having lunch." He said, "You should eat something."

Nothing.

"Erin, come on, just give us a chance." He said, "Hear us out…we just want to talk to you."

Still nothing.

Voight sighed, "Okay, fine, you want to stay in there all day? Just let me know you're alive. Give me something, knock on the wall or something like that." He said, glancing back at Jay.

Nothing again.

Voight tried the handle.

It was locked.

His stomach turned, mind racing, wondering if maybe she had pills with her. Maybe she'd overdosed, maybe she'd passed out or something and needed help. He saw Jay walk over out of the corner of his eye, "Erin. We're coming in." He said.

After getting no reply from that, he knocked his shoulder against the door, forcing it open. The room was dark, the lights weren't on, but there was light streaming in from the open window.

The room was completely clean.

It looked like it hadn't been touched in years. There was no trace of Erin's presence at all, except for the open window at the foot of the bed.

Voight stuck his head out the window, like he thought he would see her walking down the street, but there was no sign of her, "She must have left this morning." He shook his head, "I should have checked earlier."

"No…she would have left whenever she got the chance." Jay tried, "There was nothing you could have done to stop her." He said with a sigh, "But what do we do now? We're back to square one. No trace of her, she could be anywhere."

Voight sighed, "She'll come back. She knows we care so when she needs us, she'll come back." He said with conviction.

"But what if something bad happens?"

Voight took in a deep breath, "She's right. We can't control her. She's a grown woman and she makes her own decisions, hopefully, she'll be responsible. I think we hit a nerve with her…I think she might be starting to realize just how far off the tracks she is…"

Jay sighed and nodded, "Yea, I hope so."

Erin was sitting on the steps in front of an apartment building. She leaned over her knees, rubbing her hands together nervously. It was cold outside, but she had a jacket on so it wasn't terrible.

But she was tired.

She hadn't slept in at least 24 hours. She hadn't slept at all at Hank's house. Most of the night, she spent her time trying to get the window open as quietly as possible. Ever since she could remember, it had been wedged shut. Hank claimed it was due to wind damage, but Erin was pretty sure he'd done it to keep her in. It took her a few hours to get it open, but she waited until morning to leave because it was too cold.

"Erin?"

She looked up.

Kelly was standing at the foot of the steps she was sitting on, a bag of groceries in his arms, wearing his firehouse jacket that had his last name on the back. He looked at her curiously, obviously confused why she was there.

Erin stood up when she saw him, shoving her hands into her pockets, "Hey, uh, I don't know if you heard about…"

"Nadia?" Kelly filled in, "Yea, I heard. I'm real sorry to hear that. I know you guys were roommates, I remember talking to her a few times. She seemed like a nice girl." He walked up to her, "How are you holding up?"

Erin didn't want to lie to him, but she wasn't quite sure she even knew the answer to that question anymore, "I'm…" She shook her head, "I don't know…" She said honestly, "I just remember what you went through, losing Shay, and…I'm really tired of everyone trying to relate and I just thought you would understand, you know?"

Kelly nodded slowly, "Do you want to talk about it?"

"Not really." Erin said, "That's what I thought you would understand. I just…I kind of need a friend, can we just…hang out, like we used to?" She smiled a little bit, reminded of their relationship.

He smiled too, probably thinking about the same thing. "Well, I guess it's a good thing I just picked up some Chinese. Do you want to come up? I just got a projector and I've been watching movies on it…" He raised his eyebrows.

Erin nodded, "Only if we watch good movies."

Kelly turned back to her as he pushed the door to his apartment building open, "I have good movies."

"Really? I don't remember watching any."

"Hey, watch it." Kelly said, giving her a look, "I let you have the orange chicken and you watch my terrible movies. We make compromises." He said with a shrug as he started climbing the stairs up to his floor.

Erin followed him, suddenly realizing how long it had been since she'd smiled like this. She moved her hands into her pockets, feeling the bottle and holding it in her palm as she walked so that he wouldn't be able to hear it.

They went up to his apartment and took out the food. The food looked delicious, but Erin was having trouble holding anything down. Partly because she was hungover or drunk most of the time and partly because the thought of food repulsed her after seeing and smelling Nadia's body.

So she made up some stupid excuse, telling him she already ate a few hours ago. It didn't look like he believed her, but he didn't really protest either, which she appreciated.

They sat down on his couch and started to turn on the projector, "So what have you been up to since we broke up?" He asked, looking back at her, "Because I was talking to Gabby the other day and she said you were venting about having a relationship with someone you work with…"

Erin looked over at him, curiously and shrugged, "Are you sure you want to talk about this? It's kind of awkward…"

"Why?"

"Because we were together."

Kelly nodded, "We were, but that doesn't mean I think that I'm the only one who can make you happy." He shrugged, "If someone else does, then so be it. I just want you to be happy, you know?" He gave her a smile.

Erin nodded slowly, "Halstead and I had a thing for a few weeks…"

"A thing?"

Erin shrugged, "Kind of like friends with benefits at the start and then, a little bit more serious later…until Voight found out and we shut it down." She said, watching as he put a movie into the projector.

Kelly looked back at her, "Hmm."

"What?"

Kelly shrugged, "I don't know. You just don't seem like the type of girl to let Voight dictate whether or not you get to be happy." He said as he sat back down next to her.

Erin looked over at him, "Voight's not just my boss."

Kelly nodded slowly, "Yea, I know, he helped you out when you were younger…that's what you told me, but I just have trouble seeing him as the good guy after what he did to Casey, blackmailing him and all that." He said.

"He's protective of family." Erin answered calmly, "He did a lot for me so I have to believe that he's a good guy…"

"So he just helped you get on your feet when you were younger or what…?" Kelly asked carefully.

Erin shrugged and nodded, "That's basically what he did." She looked over at him, "I know I told you a little bit about how my mom was kind of a screw up and my dad wasn't around, but…it was worse than that and…I got into a really bad crowd towards the end of high school. And Voight, he actually took me in."

Kelly's eyebrows went up.

Erin nodded at his surprise, "Yea…that's how bad of a place I was in. I…was a mess, but he turned my life around and I know he came off…strong with that whole deal with Casey, but he was different back then. He was dirty, but he's coming around. In this city, sometimes you have to get your hands dirty to get the job done, you know that."

Kelly thought about the whole ordeal with his sister and nodded in understanding, "Yea, I guess so." He looked over at her, "Are you sure you don't want any of this?" He held up the orange chicken, "It's delicious…" He taunted.

Erin shook her head, "No, I'm fine."

Kelly nodded, "You feeling okay? You look kind of sick?"

"Yea, I'm a little sick." Erin said slowly, "Mostly just tired."

"Hard sleeping at your apartment?"

Erin didn't look at him. She really didn't want to talk about it. She responded quietly, "It's too empty."

Kelly nodded slowly, "Yea, I had the same problem. I slept at the firehouse for a few weeks just so I wouldn't have to be home. Then, I went out to this cabin I own out in the woods outside the city, but you know what that did? It just freed up more time for me to be thinking about her."

Erin looked down at her hands.

"You know what I found? Going back to work and just doing something really helped. It kept me busy so I didn't have to think about it." Kelly told her, "I tried to drown it out with alcohol, but that doesn't do anything. It just separated me from all the people I cared about…like you."

Erin looked over at him, saw the pain on his face, in his eyes. The expression lingered as he continued on, a deep, solemn look in his eyes.

"And I still miss her." Kelly said, "That never goes away, but the…the pain and the guilt, that's gonna fade. And I'm not a bullshit therapist or anything like that. I was exactly where you are now so I get it and I'm just trying to help…"

Erin didn't say anything for a few moments. She wasn't sure whether or not she wanted to talk to him. She didn't want to open to anyone, but she felt like maybe he would understand. "I feel like I'm falling apart."

Kelly looked over, listening.

"It's like…I worked so hard to put myself together, but now, all the pieces are just falling apart and I don't even know how they fit back together anymore." Erin said, leaning over and hugging her knees to her chest.

Kelly nodded, "You don't have to do it alone, you know that right? That's what friends do, they help you when you need it."

"I don't want help." Erin replied, "That's the thing. I feel like…" She stopped, shaking her head, hesitating before sharing this with him, "I…feel like…I deserve it."

Kelly tilted his head, "Why?"

Erin ran her fingers through her hair, "I tried to save Nadia and all I ended up doing was putting her in the position that would eventually get her killed. If I had just stayed out of it, she'd still be alive." She said, "Do you know what that feels like? Knowing that you're the reason that two parents lost their daughter or that someone is gone forever?" She shook her head.

Kelly sighed, "You can't blame yourself for what happened to her. Her murderer killed her, not you."

"But if I hadn't pushed her into the path I'd gone, pushed her into the job at the station, then her murderer never would have even known her and never would have killed her." Erin said, taking in a deep breath.

"It's not your fault."

"Then whose fault is it?"

"It's her murderer's fault."

Erin sighed, "If a parent left their child alone at a restaurant at night and the kid got abducted, they would say that was parent's fault. They didn't do their job. They gave the kidnapper an opportunity to kidnap their kid." She said, "I gave her murderer the opportunity to kill her."

"You aren't her parent, Erin." Kelly responded, "It wasn't your job to look after her."

"Yes it was." Erin said, looking at him, "I was trying to make her better. I was helping her. It was my job to make look out for her. It was my responsibility so now, after what happened, I have to face the fact that I was supposed to be there for her and I wasn't."

Kelly shook his head, "You aren't superwoman. You can't always be there when people need you."

"Then what's the point of even trying to be there for someone at all?" Erin said, shaking her head, "Whenever I care about someone, they always end up getting hurt. So what's the point?"

"What's the point about caring?" Kelly said, incredulously, "The point of caring is so that you can make a difference in someone else's life. Whether it be by taking them in when they're struggling like Voight did for you or loving somebody or sitting on a couch, trying to help a friend through a tough time…you never know when you could change something for someone."

"Yea, but what if it's a bad change?"

"What if it's a good one?"

Erin didn't reply, just turned and looked out his window.

Kelly had a feeling she was done talking, "Look, why don't we take a break from all this? I didn't mean to push you into that. I just wanted to see where your head is at, but you told me you don't want to talk so we won't. Do you still want to watch the movie, maybe catch up on some sleep?"

Erin looked over at him and nodded.

Kelly turned on the movie and turned off the lights, "I hope you're excited for this movie. It's an award winner from this film festival, apparently won an academy award or something like that?"

"Really?" Erin asked, thinking that maybe his taste in movies had changed.

Kelly smirked, "No. I got it for 60 cents down at the movies store down the street." He said with a shrug, "But I'm flattered that you thought I would ever own a movie that won an academy award."

"You are so full of it."

Kelly laughed lightly, "Alright, shhh. It's starting, you won't want to miss this."

The movie started, but it was only about a half an hour in when Erin fell asleep. Kelly had a pillow on his lap and in the first ten minutes of the movie, she's laid down on it. He grabbed a blanket from beside him and put it over her. He had his arm draped around her, just wanting to make sure she knew he was there. He started getting tired at the first hour, leaning back, trying his best not to disturb her.

He noticed her phone lighting up on the coffee table, but he ignored it the first few times. It looked like she was getting a few calls, but he couldn't read the names from where he was. As time went on, the calls started getting more frequent, along with texts.

Kelly started to get worried that maybe something happened. At first he thought maybe someone had gotten hurt and they were trying to call her and tell her. He leaned over carefully and picked up her phone, just looking on the opening screen at the calls and texts she'd missed.

5 missed calls from Jay.

3 from Hank.

1 from a guy named Landon.

1 from a woman named Bunny.

He couldn't read her texts because her phone was blocked, but he didn't want to either. He felt like that was invading her privacy, but he could see that she had a few from Jay, even more from Landon, one from Bunny and one from Hank.

He wondered what was going on.

Kelly put her phone back down, thinking that if he waited, the calls would stop, but every ten minutes or so someone would call her. Most of them were from either Voight or Halstead, but he didn't want to answer her phone for her. So, carefully, he pulled out his own phone. He already had Voight's number from when he'd been working his sister's case. He dialed it and looked down at Erin to make sure she was still asleep.

It looked like she was.

"Hello?" A coarse voice answered.

Kelly made sure to be as quiet as he could, "Hey Sergeant, uh, sorry I know it's late, but I'm with Erin and I noticed her phone was ringing a lot with calls from you. She's asleep, but I just wanted to make sure everything was okay."

"You're with Erin?"

Kelly nodded, "Yea, we're at my apartment…what's going on?"

Voight sighed what sounded like a sigh of relief, "Nothing, nothing. It's just…things have been crazy lately and Halstead and I didn't know where she was. We just wanted to make sure she ended up okay."

Kelly was confused by that, "Yea…she's fine."

"How long has she been there?"

Kelly shrugged, "Like three or four hours maybe, why?"

"Was she acting weird or anything like that?"

Kelly shook his head, "No. I don't think so." He replied, "I'm a little confused. What do you mean things have been crazy lately? And…why do you think she'd be acting weird?" He asked.

Voight took a long pause, "That's something you'd probably have to talk to her about. I'm sure she wouldn't want me telling you everything without her knowing, but she's been struggling with Nadia's death and we aren't completely sure if she's trying to drown out what she's feeling…if you know what I'm talking about."

"You think she's drinking?"

"Yea, drinking and other things."

"Drugs?"

"Yea, but we don't know for sure." Voight said quickly, "Don't ask her about it directly. It'll spook her, but if you could just look out for her tonight and we can come by tomorrow and pick her up when she's awake."

"Whenever?" Kelly asked, "Doesn't she have work?"

Voight sighed, "No. She quit."

"She quit her job?"

"Yea, yea." Voight confirmed, "She's really losing it right now and the fact that she came to you really means something because before yesterday, she hadn't talked to me in months and hadn't talked to Halstead in weeks. So…don't push her, okay?"

"I…had no idea this was even happening. I just thought she was sad."

Voight sighed, "No. She keeps the cool exterior, but there's something darker underneath that she's working through." He said, "Just keep an eye out. Call me tomorrow when she wakes up and I'll come get her."

"Sure." Kelly replied and then he hung up.

It was quiet for a moment and he looked up to the movie screen, watching the ending of the movie.

"I heard you." Erin stirred in his lap, sitting up slowly, "I just heard you talking on the phone with Voight."

"What?" Kelly looked over at her, "But you were asleep. When did you wake up?"

Erin shot him a glare, "Oh just about the time when he was telling you that I was on drugs." She said as she slipped her boots on angrily, "God, why can't he just mind his own business?"

"Because you're hurting yourself, Erin." He paused, "Drugs, alcohol, they both hurt you…not only physically, but mentally too." Kelly said, shaking his head, "Drinking in this kind of situation is normal. You feel depressed, you need to drown it out, but drugs? That's serious, Erin. You're a cop. How can you get involved in the stuff you've been working to clean off the streets?"

"You don't understand." She stood up and started going through her purse, making sure she had everything.

"What don't I understand?" Kelly asked, shaking his head. "It all seems pretty straight-forward to me. You're using drugs to distract yourself from the pain you're feeling and you can't do that, Erin! Why now? You're a cop, it doesn't make sense."

"Here, let me make sense of this for you." Erin shot back at him, "When I was kid and I had a troubled childhood, my mom was a junkie and by the time I was 14, I was hooked too." She said, "I was a drug addict. This isn't me picking up drugs out of nowhere, this is me falling off the wagon. You don't think I want to stay clean? You don't think I know I'm supposed to want drugs off the streets?" She shook her head, "I didn't think this was gonna happen with you."

"Come on, don't do this. I just want to help you."

Erin threw her hands in the hair, "I am so god damn tired of hearing that!" She said as she pulled her coat off of the chair he'd hung it on, "Everybody wants to fix me and help me. What do you think is gonna happen? A few kind words from you and suddenly, happy days?" She asked sarcastically.

"Maybe!" Kelly replied, "Or maybe just support, just be there for you. That matters you know, being there for someone. It makes a difference."

Erin shook her head as she walked towards his door, "No it doesn't. Being there for someone, trying to help them, none of it makes a difference, don't you see that?" She asked, "None of it matters." She said coldly before pulling his door open and walking out.

Kelly didn't move at first. He was shocked. Everything had happened so fast. He looked at the clock. Five minutes earlier, she'd been sleeping in his lap and now, she had just stormed out of his apartment.

He gulped.

There was something wrong.

She was hurting and no one was getting through to her. The loneliness and the guilt would get to her and if no one was there, something bad was going to happen. He knew it.

So, slipping his shoes on and throwing on a jacket, he jogged out of his apartment and took the elevator down to the lobby. He asked the manager if he'd seen her, but he said he didn't remember so Kelly ran out and started jogging down the street. She couldn't have gotten far.

In fact, she hadn't gotten far at all.

While Kelly was sprinting down the streets around his apartment building, he had no idea that Erin was still inside, sitting in one of the stairwells underneath the stairs where it was dark. She was sitting with her back against the wall, knees pulled up towards her chest. She rested her elbows on her knees and blinked a few silent tears from her eyes, realizing the finality of what had just happened. That was it.

That was everyone.

She'd officially cut ties with everyone she'd cared about.

Hank.

Jay.

Kelly.

Kim.

Adam.

Olinsky.

Antonio.

Landon, if he even counted.

Even Bunny.

What did that mean? She didn't know. Maybe it meant she was free, but mostly it just made her feel alone. She thought about Nadia and suddenly, the guilt and the sadness rose up and consumed her. She gulped, looking up to prevent more tears from falling from her eyes.

Slowly, she reached into her pocket and pulled out the bottle of pills. She hated herself for wanting them, but she also couldn't stand the thought of feeling like this for one more moment. So, she poured a couple into her hand, popped them into her mouth and then stood up, exiting the stairwell and heading for place to crash.

"Reality doesn't impress me. I only believe in intoxication, in ecstasy, and when ordinary life shackles me, I escape, one way or another. No more walls."

Anais Nin

A/N: Here's another one. The next one's a good chapter so be ready. Thanks so much for reading and don't forget to review!