"That's the thing about depression: A human being can survive almost anything, as long as she sees the end in sight. But depression is so insidious, and it compounds daily, that it's impossible to see the end."

Elizabeth Wurtzel

Jay woke up to the sound of his phone ringing on his night stand. He groaned, looking at the clock next to his phone. It was 2:45 in the morning. He looked at his phone screen:

Voight was calling.

His stomach dropped, knowing that it must have something to do with Erin.

Gulping, he picked up the phone and answered, "Hello?" He hoped he sounded a lot more put together than he felt, but he doubted it.

"Hey, Jay, it's Hank." Voight said quickly, "So I just got off the phone with Kelly. He and Erin had a falling out, apparently she heard him talking on the phone and she stormed out. He followed her, but she lost him outside his apartment building. He said she was really upset and that he was scared she was gonna do something crazy." He reported, "I hate to call you this late…"

Jay sat up and swung his legs over the side of his bed, "No, no, no I'm awake."

"Okay, well, I'm on my way to Bunny's bar right now to look for her." Voight told him, "Can you go down to her apartment and see if she's there? I don't know. It's kind of cold outside, she might have gone there just to stay warm…"

Jay stood up quickly and started to get dressed, "Sure, yea, of course." He said, "Call me if you get anything."

"Yea." He said shortly before hanging up.

Jay finished getting dressed, heart pounding. It felt like a nightmare. He hated this feeling. The panic of not knowing where she was or what she was doing. He imagined this was what it was like for her when Nadia had disappeared. And he was scared Erin would have the same fate as her friend.

Would she disappear? Move? Get herself killed?

He shook the thoughts away and slid his shoes on, grabbing his phone and making his way out of his apartment. He jogged down to her apartment building, which was only a few blocks away from his and climbed up the stairs as fast as he could.

When he got to her floor, he turned the corner and saw her apartment door open at the end of the hallway. All the lights were off, except one that he could see in her living room. He touched his belt and realized that he didn't have his gun on him.

He nodded slowly to himself and went down the hall, entering her apartment cautiously, "Erin?" He called out, looking around, a chill flowing down his spine. He knew something was wrong. It was quiet, he didn't hear anything except the sound of his own footsteps. And it was cold, the open door letting the chill of the night air into her apartment. The light from the small lamp in the living room did little to give light to her apartment. He had to squint through the darkness to scan her apartment.

He spotted her purse sitting on the kitchen counter, discarded there sloppily, like she'd done it in a hurry. He saw her boots sitting abandoned haphazardly on the ground by the couch as well.

But he didn't see Erin.

He could see the back of the couch. Apprehensively, he approached it. He made his way around the side of it so that he could see the front and that was where he found her.

Erin.

Lying there, still, on the couch, her head propped up by a pillow and her arms draped over the edge. It almost looked like she was sleeping.

Until he spotted the bottle of pills spilled on the floor.

Jay stopped and it felt like his heart did too. This wasn't what he thought it was. It couldn't be. He felt like he was going to be sick. His hands shook as he continued to move towards her, taking in a shaky breath. He dropped to his knees next to her, disturbed by how peaceful she looked. Like her pain had ended.

"Erin?" He tried again, praying that maybe she would open her eyes and shoot him an angry comment about how he'd woken her up.

But she didn't.

She didn't move.

He looked to make sure she was breathing – and she was, but it was shallow, definitely not normal. Her arms were cold and sweaty.

He shook her a little bit, like he thought that would help. "Erin." He shook his head, "Damn it!" He scooped her up off the couch and ran into the bathroom where he started the bath, carefully lowering her into the tub.

He pulled his phone out from his pocket and quickly called Voight, "Hey, she's here, but it looks like she overdosed on some prescription meds. Call an ambulance, I gotta go."

"Jay-"

He hung up. And turned his attention back to Erin. He lifted her up again and stepped into the bath tub, turning the shower on. Lightly, as the water ran over the both of them, he patted her cheek, "Erin, come on." He tried, "Erin, wake up for me, okay? Come on, please…"

The water was ice cold, piercing his skin with every drop.

He made sure to keep the water from getting into her nose or mouth. He held her tightly, surprised at how light she was. She looked like she'd lost weight, which he knew was probably from the drugs.

He kept shaking her, not about to give up on her just yet.

"Erin, come on!" He yelled, his panic rising, "Don't do this! Don't die on me, alright?!" He kept shaking her, patting her face gently, but urgently, "Come on, come on…"

They were both soaking wet at that point.

Jay's hope of waking her was decreasing with every passing moment, "No!" He yelled, the hopelessness beginning to set in, "You aren't allowed to do this." He said, switching off the shower and pulling her out of the tub before laying her gently on her bathroom floor, "You aren't allowed to leave. Come back! You aren't allowed to die!" He said, sitting down next to her unconscious body. "You can't do this." He shook his head and pulled her up off the ground, scooping her into his lap as he continued to try and wake her up.

"Erin, come on." He said, continuing to shake her, "Don't quit on me, come on!" He yelled, able to feel how cold and wet her skin was. "Wake up, come on!" He pleaded desperately, "Wake up, please!"

She wasn't waking up.

He punched the wall next to him in frustration, "Damn it!" He said, looking up at the sky and shaking his head as he held her limp body in his arms. He felt tears stinging his eyes as he sat back against the wall, trying to find it in himself to accept what was happening, "This can't be it…"

He'd always thought something like this would happen, but not like this. In his mind, he thought it would have happened while they were on the job. He imagined her getting shot and bleeding to death in front of him, but somehow this was worse.

He couldn't say anything. He couldn't look at her. He couldn't say goodbye.

It was sudden and final.

He was never going to be partnered with her again. They were never going to go out for drinks after their shift. He would never get to kiss her again or tease her about something again. He would never see her smile again.

Maybe this was how she felt when she lost Nadia.

Empty.

Paralyzed.

Guilty.

How could he let this happen to her? He was supposed to have her back. He was supposed to help her and protect her when she couldn't protect herself. That was basically what having a partner was for. They would be there for you.

He felt like he was going to throw up. He couldn't believe what was happening. He couldn't look at her. He couldn't accept that she was gone. He couldn't.

He thought about all the times he could have talked to her or offered to help her and didn't. He just let her slip through his fingers and now? She was OD'ed on her bathroom floor.

He gulped hard and closed his eyes for a second, blocking out the harsh light from her bathroom. He squeezed her waist tightly. He shook his head, a mixture of water dripping from his hair and tears streaming down his face.

And then he heard something.

It sounded like a faded gurgling noise and at first he thought it was coming from the drain of the shower, but then he felt Erin moving and his eyes shot open.

Her eyes were still closed, but her mouth was open, which was where the gurgling noise he'd heard was coming from.

He moved quickly, rolling her over onto her stomach and lifting her up back over to the bathtub where he held her over the side. After a few more seconds of the gurgling noise, she started throwing up into the tub.

Jay didn't want to watch, but he had to hold her up because she couldn't kneel on her own. He could feel her whole body shaking as she emptied the contents of her stomach into the tub, which he noticed was mostly water. She probably hadn't eaten much in the past few days.

Once it seemed like she was done, he pulled her back and gently helped her lay back down on the ground. This time her eyes were open. "Erin?" He asked, in disbelief, "Can you hear me?"

Her eyes looked cloudy and blank. She blinked a few times, her whole body still trembling. She didn't say anything, but after a few moments, he saw the recognition light up in her eyes when she realized it was him.

He smiled, eyes swimming and scooped her up again, pulling her onto his lap and squeezing her, "Oh my god." He said, shaking his head, still not believing it, "Oh my god…"

Erin's shaking figure clung to his. She lifted one of her hands to grab the back of his neck and buried her face in his chest.

Jay pulled her close, "It's okay, you're okay." He told her, wrapping his arms around her almost like he was afraid to let her go, "You're okay." He kept repeating.

He couldn't believe it.

It had to be some kind of a miracle. One minute, he thought she was gone and the next, she was awake. It was unreal to him. He was in complete disbelief, but he wasn't going to question it. He just shook his head, squeezed her and thanked God over and over again for bringing her back.

It took her about an hour to calm down, but it looked like she'd passed out again, except this time, her breathing was normal so assumed she'd probably just been too weak to stay awake and he didn't need to wake her up again.

Carefully, he lifted her up off the bathroom floor and walked her back into her bedroom, laying her gently on the bed and placing the covers over her. He glanced at the clock, not sure how long it had been.

It was 4:00 AM, it had been a little bit over an hour.

It had felt a lot longer to him. He took in a deep breath and looked down at Erin, making sure she was still okay. When he was sure she was fine, he left the room and walked back out into her apartment.

The front door was still open so he shut it.

He moved into the living room and carefully cleaned up the pills that she'd spilled on the carpet. He read the bottle. It was Oxy. He wasn't surprised. He placed them on the kitchen counter and then moved back into the bathroom.

He worked his way through her bathroom, cleaning it up. While he had her in the shower, he'd splashed a significant amount of water all over her bathroom floor so he used a couple towels to mop it up. And using some scrubs she had, he cleaned up what was in the tub from when she'd thrown up.

It didn't take him long.

And once he was done with all that, he finally had a minute to stop and realize everything that had just happened. He had been so close to losing her. For a moment, he had given up and he resented himself for that.

He leaned over her bathroom sink and looked in the mirror. He looked so tired and stressed, but that shouldn't have surprised him. He blinked a few times and turned on the water, taking some of it and splashing it into his face.

She was alive.

That was the most important thing.

He nodded and walked out of the bathroom, dialing Voight's number on his phone.

"Jay! What's going on there?"

"Where the hell have you been?"

"We're on our way right now. It took me a while to find someone. We couldn't call an ambo again. She overdosed on prescription meds, Jay. She'd go to jail." Voight pointed out.

Jay nodded slowly, "Yea, well, she's okay now. I actually took her into the shower and woke her up. She passed out again, but her breathing is back to normal. I think she's gonna be alright."

Voight let out an audible sigh of relief, "Thank god. What was it?"

"The drug? It was Oxy."

Voight sighed loudly.

"Who are you bringing?" Jay asked.

"I hope you don't mind, but I called your brother."

Jay smirked, "Yea, that's fine."

"Well, we're almost there. We'll be up in a minute. Will says he still needs to check her out and make sure everything's okay before we completely relax."

"Okay, well, she's sleeping. But I'll let you in."

"Okay, sounds good."

He hung up.

About 10 minutes after the call, Jay heard the knock at the door. He checked through the peep hole and then let them in. Voight looked like he was a wreck, a tired expression on his face.

"Hey Will." Jay greeted his brother with a half-handshake, half-hug. "She's in her room. Let me show you." He started walking back towards her room, "So she was unconscious and I took her into the shower, which woke her up."

Will nodded slowly, "Okay. She should be fine then. There's a good chance that if you got her awake then she won't slip into the coma-state that usually results from an overdose." He said as they entered her bedroom. He set the bag he had carried in on the ground and pulled out a blood pressure cuff and a few other tools, "I'm just gonna take her vitals."

Jay nodded, "Oh and she threw up." He added, "After she woke up, she threw up."

"Okay." Will said with a nod. "She might be dehydrated then..." He said as he continued taking her vitals.

After a few minutes, he finished, "Looks pretty good. Her heart rate and blood pressure could be higher, but her pulse ox looks good, which is a good sign."

"Pulse ox?"

"It tells how well the heart is pumping oxygen around the body. Normal levels are usually at like 97-100%, Erin has a 98%, which means that her heart is transporting oxygen efficiently around her body, which is good considering what kind of shock this probably was to her body." Will told him as he stood up, "Are you staying here tonight?"

"Yea." Jay said decisively.

Will nodded slowly, "Okay well, every few hours I need you to make sure that her heart rate is normal. We don't want her to slip into the coma-state, which she probably won't, but we need to be sure." He said, "If she wakes up, get her water and make sure she drinks it and holds it down. Also, there's a good chance she could throw up again so make sure she sleeps on her side or stomach so she doesn't drown." He said as he carefully rolled Erin onto her side. "Tomorrow, do not let her have any drugs at all, no matter what they are. Make sure she's warm. And at about noon tomorrow, if she hasn't woken up herself, try to get her up. If she doesn't wake up then, call me. She could have brain damage, but that's not likely."

Jay nodded slowly, trying to take everything his brother had just said in. "Alright, I'll keep an eye on her." He said, holding out his hand to his brother, "Thanks man…she…" He shook his head, "I…"

Will smiled a little bit, "I get it, bro." He said, shaking his brother's hand and then patting him on the shoulder, "Hey whatever you need, alright? I care about you and I get how much you care about her so whatever it takes for her to be okay, I'm in."

Jay smiled and nodded, "Thank you."

Will nodded, "I guess I'll get going. If anything happens or if you need anything, page me, okay? That's only for emergencies, but it's the first thing I'll answer, okay?"

"Yep, thanks again."

Will smirked and nodded, "See you later." He said as he turned and walked out the door.

Jay followed him and walked him to the door. They said goodbye again and Voight thanked him and then he left. "So I'll stay with her tonight."

Voight looked at him, "I want to stay too."

"You really don't have to." Jay said, looking at him, "Will said it's mostly just gonna be checking on her every so often and making sure she wakes up tomorrow. You look like you haven't slept at all."

"I don't need you to tell me what I need."

Jay nodded slowly, "I'm not. I'm just saying that I'm gonna stay here and I'll send you a text every time I check her, how about that?" He said, "And when she wakes up, I'll call you."

Voight took in a deep breath, considering it for a few moments before finally deciding, "Fine, but you have to text me every time you check, alright? If anything happens, behind Will, I want to be the first that knows about it, got it?"

"Crystal clear." Jay said with a nod.

Voight moved towards the door, "Alright, I'll be back tomorrow around 11. I have to go into work tomorrow. But you're off. I want you to stay here with Erin." He ordered.

Jay nodded, "Yes sir."

Voight pulled the door open and started to move out, but as he was in the doorway, he turned back, "And Jay?"

He looked up, not used to hearing his first name.

"You did good. She might not be alive right now if it weren't for what you did." He paused, "I wouldn't trust a lot of people to look after her, but I think I can sleep easy knowing you're here." He gave him a long look, "Don't make me regret my decision."

"I won't, sir." Jay said firmly.

Voight nodded and gave a small smile, "I'll see you tomorrow, Halstead."

Jay nodded and smiled a little bit, watching as Voight left, closing the door behind him.

He walked back over to the couch and sat down, taking in a deep breath, completely baffled by what he'd just witnessed. He couldn't believe she was still here. He smiled a little bit and shook his head, looking up towards the ceiling.

She's still here. He thought. Thank God.

The rest of the night went by slowly.

Jay used coffee and TV to keep himself awake, even though there was really nothing to watch at the early hours of the morning. He checked on Erin every few hours and nothing changed. Once the morning rolled around, he started to check on her more frequently, just in case she woke up.

He ended up getting tired of watching TV and grabbed her laptop, opening it up and slipping one of her movies in it. She had a lot of old movies he'd never seen. The one he put in was in black and white, about some businessmen in the 1890s. He got tired of walking back and forth so he just sat in a chair by her bed and watched the movie.

It was about 10:00 when he was just getting halfway through the movie.

It had a lot to do with oil and betrayal and big business. He thought it was good, but he had trouble really hearing what they were saying because they talked so fast.

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw her move.

He set the laptop down at the foot of her bed and sat down next to her on the edge. "Erin?" He looked down at her as she shifted.

A few moments passed and then her eyes flickered open. She looked really out of it and confused at first, trying to take in her surroundings.

"Erin."

That got her attention. Her gaze rested on him. She took in a deep breath and shifted a little bit more. She tried to speak, but her throat was dry. She coughed a few times and swallowed before finally getting it out, "What…happened?" She asked slowly.

"You, um…" Jay paused, not wanting to overstep the boundaries by being too harsh, "Erin, you overdosed on painkillers last night. I found you on the couch, unconscious, took you in the shower and woke you up. You've been asleep ever since…" He looked down at her, "You don't remember any of that?"

Erin blinked a few times and looked down at the laptop he'd left at the foot of her bed, "What are you watching?" She asked, mind wandering.

Jay looked back at it, "An old black and white movie I found on your shelf."

"What's it about?"

"Betrayal, business…a little bit of romance." He raised his eyebrows, "I've been really enjoying it." He said with a smirk.

Erin creased her eyebrows, "So it's that kind of movie?"

Jay laughed lightly, "Like I would ever get away with watching that kind of movie while Voight knew I was here. He's probably tapped into the computers, watching this conversation right now." He said with a smirk.

Erin smiled a little bit and looked down at her hands, "So you've been here all night?"

Jay nodded slowly, "How are you feeling?"

Erin shrugged a little bit, "Kind of like I'm hungover, but almost worse." She said, letting out a long sigh. "My head kind of hurts and my throat is dry."

"Well, luckily for you." Jay reached over to her nightstand and picked up the glass that was sitting there, "Here's some water." He handed it to her, "Drink up, doctor's orders."

Erin sipped it, "Doctor?" She narrowed her eyes, "Brett again?"

"Actually, my brother, Will."

Erin nodded slowly, eyes on her drink.

There was tense silence between them. They both knew what was coming next, but neither wanted to initiate it.

Jay rubbed his hands together and looked at her as she looked down at the glass of water she was holding, "Are we gonna talk about this?" He asked, knowing she probably knew what he was talking about.

But she played dumb, "About what?"

Jay took in a deep breath, "About all of this. You sneaking out of Voight's house, going to Kelly's house and then overdosing on pain meds." He looked at her, "What's going on with you, Erin? Talk to me."

Erin didn't reply for a few moments, her grip on the glass of water tightening. She took in a shaky breath, "You know what's going on with me." She said coldly, "I'm losing it…" She said softly, shaking her head.

"It?"

"Everything." Erin said, "My family, my job, the people and things that I care about, my mind…" She shook her head, "I'm losing all of it and I'm just doing it to myself…"

"Then change."

Erin looked up, "It's not that easy."

"It could be." Jay said, leaning forward, feeling like it was the first time he'd actually gotten through to her in months, "We could help you get it all back, don't you get that? You lost it, but it's not too late to get it back."

"It's too late to get her back." Erin said blankly, "Everything else…I could care less about."

"That's not what it sounded like a few minutes ago."

Erin looked up at him, "She's gone, my job is gone, my family, my friends are gone…what else is left?" She asked, shaking her hand, "This sorry excuse for a life that I'm living?" She looked up at the ceiling, "Because if I had it my way, that would be gone too."

Jay held her gaze, "You overdosed on purpose?" He thought she had been trying to get high and just miscalculated. He thought it was an accident.

Erin didn't say anything.

"Answer me."

Erin looked away from him, "Not at first." She finally said, "At first, I was just trying to get high, but after a few kicked in, I just started to feel like…" She stopped, "And that's when I…" She trailed off.

"That's when you took the rest?"

She nodded.

Jay shook his head angrily, "Why?" He asked, creasing his eyebrows, "What were you thinking?" He asked forcefully.

Erin was surprised by his angry reaction, but she held her ground, "I was thinking that I was nothing. That I didn't deserve to be here, living this stupid superficial life when she's dead. That…that I wasn't helping anyone anymore – only hurting them. I was thinking that my life had become so unbearable and miserable and lonely that anything other than being here would have to be better." She stared at him, eyes swimming, but refusing to let the tears fall, "Is that what you want to hear?"

"If you're trying to shock me or push me away, it's not gonna work."

Erin gave him a blank stare, "You think I'm trying to scare you away?" She shook her head, "You think that I have some big agenda to push all of you away?"

Jay knew he'd said the wrong thing.

"What I told you is the truth." Erin finished, "Take it how you want to. Be shocked or annoyed or whatever you want to be, but don't blame what you're feeling on me."

Jay sighed, "I'm not…" He said, "I'm just trying to help you and I feel like you won't let me." He confessed to her, trying desperately to meet her eyes even though she did her best to avoid his gaze. "I don't know what to say to get you to trust me."

"If I could trust you, you'd know what to say."

Jay shook his head, "That's not fair."

Erin shrugged.

"Why can't you just give me a chance?" Jay asked, taking in a deep breath, "Maybe I don't get what you're feeling, but I lost my father and I lost guys out overseas so I know grief and loss." He said, touching her hand, "Look at me."

She didn't.

"Erin, look at me."

Slowly, she lifted her eyes to meet his.

"Doesn't it mean something, what we have?" Jay asked her, tilting his head, "We said we'd always have each other's backs. Well, this is me having yours. Doesn't the fact that I haven't given up on you, after all this time, mean something? Doesn't the patience and time and care mean anything?" He looked at her, "Don't I mean anything to you?"

"You did."

Jay was hurt by that. "I don't anymore?"

Erin looked away, up at the ceiling again, "No, no. I didn't mean that."

"Well, what do you mean then?"

Erin sighed, "I just mean that we've drifted apart." She said honestly, "Sure, you're here now, but where were you the first couple weeks after she died, when I was obviously struggling at work? You talked to me, said you cared, but other than that? Nothing. You didn't have my back then."

"I wanted to give you space."

Erin nodded slowly, "I needed you." She said shortly, coldly, "But it's too late now for you to swoop in and try to save me. I'm already gone, broken past repair." She said as she sunk back into the bed, pulling her hand away from him.

"I don't believe that."

Erin looked at him for a few moments, "Well, you should." She said as she rolled over, away from him so that her back was facing him, "It will make all of this a lot easier." She said as she pulled the covers up, "You can leave now. I'm gonna get some sleep."

"Yea, you do that." Jay said as he stood up, "But I'm staying…because it's not too late. You still need me and this time, I'm gonna be here for you, alright? I'll be outside if you want anything." He said and then he walked out of the room, leaving her alone to lay there in her bed, wide awake and trying not to think about him.

"I think if I've learned anything about friendship, it's to hang in, stay connected, fight for them, and let them fight for you. Don't walk away, don't be distracted, don't be too busy or tired, don't take them for granted. Friends are part of the glue that holds life and faith together. Powerful stuff."

Jon Katz

A/N: I really like Erin and Jay in this chapter. I think their relationship strengthens or at least gets to the core of their problems here so it's a good first step. There's still more to come so stay tuned. Thanks for reading and let me know what you think!