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Father of Five
by Carolyn James

Chapter 3

Chapter 3: Making a decision

"Pa, I know what you're thinking. Time is of the essence but I just can't bring myself to do it. "

"Adam, it's been six months that the children have been with you. Six months without their mother and father. You have not finalized the adoption papers. Are you still uncertain about becoming their father and legal guardian?

"No. Well I don't know. I just want to make things right."

"If finding a family for them is still what you are considering Adam, then you need to do it quickly. The children are forming a strong attachment to you Adam; frankly, I'm concerned how they are going to feel about leaving you. It will only hurt them more the longer you wait. "

"I understand that Pa. Every time I begin to look into families for them, well they're just not Wil and Karen. How can any family be as good as what they had? It's clear that the little ones are flexible, and John seems very happy here but Kate, she's a girl, who will one day become a young lady. I'm not sure what's best for her. I can't imagine that this place, the Ponderosa and all of us men are what's best for her."

"Adam, Kate's a child. Girl or boy, she needs love and guidance. You're sensitive enough to understand a young girl's needs."

"Pa, she's just so quiet. I'm not sure I know how to get her to open up. Trust me Pa; she's been raised in Boston, as a Little Lady. This world must be so different for her. If I place them with a family out here, where I can keep a close eye on their upbringing, I'm not sure I can find a family suitable for Kate. She would just beam beside her mother Pa. It was a beautiful sight the pair."

Adam shook his head in frustration, "It's just so unfair. Why, why, why, I still ask myself how could this of happened to such a wonderful family?"

"Adam, I know that your heart is heavy son. But these children need your strength not your pity. Try to think back when you were a child and lost so much. What was it that brought comfort to you? Was it the sorrow of others, the pity?"

"No Pa, now you know how much I hated that…"

Ben chuckled, "Yes, I do remember how a sad look from someone would strike your nerve. What was it that brought you strength and comfort? Try and remember Adam back when. Sometimes we adults put too much worry and complicate a child's life more than they need. You know, it's those simple warm memories of our childhood that we all yearn to feel when times are tough.

"How could I possibly take care of these children, the girls, without a mother."

"Well, Adam, we made it work around here did we not"?

"Yes, All boys, Pa. And look at us."

Adam and Ben both let out a laugh and then a big sigh.

"Wil and Karen asked me to take care of them. And I agreed. Maybe deep down I want to care for these children and be a father but I'm scared I will fail. I can't be what they had. I don't even know how to care for a child, Pa".

"Adam you practically raised both your brothers. I have every bit of confidence in you that you could do the job and do it well. These last six months have been challenging son. One would have to expect that under the circumstances. You're doing a fine job. I see the way the children interact with you. They feel safe here with you. Maybe, we could hire someone to help. What about their governess back in Boston?

"You know I thought of that but she said she wouldn't leave Boston. Maybe it was wrong to bring them here."

"Do you really think Wil would have wanted you to give up the Ponderosa, Adam?"

"No, I guess you're right. No, he knew how much it meant to me."

"Adam, Karen and Will chose you out of pure faith and trust. Trust in your judgment. Parenting is not for perfection. It's doing your best and learning along the way. Take a little more time son, but not too much longer. And Adam, Sometimes you have to take a leap of faith and do what you feel in your heart. Trust yourself."

"Thanks Pa."

Adam walked slowly back into the house were the children were sound asleep. He peeked in on the boys first then the girls. As he closed the door to the girl's room, Adam heard Molly call out.

"Papa, I'm thirsty. Can I have a drink of water?"

"Sure baby, I'll get it for you." Adam returned upstairs with a glass of water."Here you go sweetheart, sit up for a second".

Molly smiled shyly, "Aww…Adam, I called you papa. You're not papa."

"No, I'm not darlin'. I believe you were dreamin. Now take a little sip of this water and lie your head back down."

Molly took a sip and handed the glass back to Adam. With sleepy eyes, Molly curled up in her covers with a long yawn and asked in a soft sleepy voice,

"Adam, one day, will I call you Daddy? Instead of Papa, cuz my Papa's in heaven."

And for a moment in time, Adam's heart did not beat no air went into his lungs. Warmth flushed from his head to his toes. What was he feeling? Something so puzzling, like nothing he had ever felt, but what was it?

"Adam?" Molly whispered in her sleep. "Are you there?"

"Yes, Darlin', I'm still here. Now it's time you get your sleep. We can talk more in the morning."

Pa was right. A decision needed to be made quickly before the children became too attached. Deep down Adam felt he was ready and willing to be a parent. A thought he had only dreamed of until now. If only he could trust himself, he would know that his decision was made the day he left Boston. If he was completely honest with himself, he would realize that his own 'demons' held him back.

How did he make it this far in life without committing to a wife and family. His fears of loss and rejection had been buried deep under all those layers within. What had he yearned for as a child in sorrow? Love, Honesty, Security and Trust. These things he found on the Ponderosa and through the people that cared for him.

He felt love for all 5 children. What is enough for them? How could he know? How could he be sure of their happiness, their security and trust of him. He had always been their friend but a father is a much different role. Would they like him still? Could they love him as a father or would they regret their parents choosing.