CHAPTER 3: SURVIVORS

People in a hospital hoped for good news, stared at these doors as if it would open and a doctor would appear out of the blue with a smile and tell them that someone close to them, or themselves, would be okay. Most people were there for a consult, a broken leg that needed fixing, a pounding headache or trying to stay alive after an accident. All were common reasons to be in a hospital. But hers wasn't common at all, where others were waiting on news about whether their loved one had survived or not, she was the only one here to already know the answer. This should make the waiting easier but it doesn't. Hospitals had this smell of clean sickness, an air too pure and too bad to breathe, walls were painted in a grey shade of white, the hallways empty could become full of doctors and injured people in a second and the silence was loud. Hospitals were the place where all that was white was touched by something black, where silence met noise, detergent met blood. Where life and death met and made one.

Like any other human being she hated hospitals, but above all, she hated that her kids were there, breathing the air, touching the floors, listening to the silence. They had barely talked since they had left the house, them who always had conversations over which superhero was better, which food was tastier or who was the one who could read or run faster. They had been here for an hour already and they haven't said a word (unless that thing people say about twins is true and they didn't need words to talk to each other). Each was reading comics, this was one of the things she loved the most about them, they have always loved reading, like their father. She hadn't pushed them towards books, some day they just asked her to buy some comics for them after looking at the covers in a store.

She looked at her watch. An hour and half had passed since she had called Martha. She had said that she would meet them at the hospital, but she was probably stuck in traffic. During the ride over here, it was still fluid enough to come fast, which she had been thankful for. Car rides with the kids were them singing whatever song they had in their heads, playing whatever game they wanted or discussing their day. The ones with Castle were them building theories, pushing each other buttons.

A car ride with the four of them, she had never hoped for it, barely had imagined it. All three of them laughing, Castle making jokes and Lona would follow his lead. Her and Alex would probably roll their eyes at one of their jokes. But it hadn't been that at all, silence, tension, confusion that's what it had been like.

He hadn't spoke a word since he had showed up at her door, she first thought he was just as overwhelmed as she was, but the minutes passed, they had moved to the couch in the living room and he still didn't talk. She understood it wasn't his choice entirely, the way his eyes locked with hers whenever she would ask him how he could be here or what had happened to him, reflected his frustration. Then he had laid eyes on the kids, standing far behind her. They were looking at him, observing this unknown man who appeared to be their father. She asked them to come closer, to properly introduce them.

She wiped clean the tears on her face, as each of the kids stood at her sides.

"Castle, this is your son and your daughter, Alexender and Lona."

His eyes were bouncing back and forth between the two little kids.

"Kids, this is your-"

"It's dad." her daughter said, cutting her off. Castle reached for his bag pack and opened it, taking an empty water bottle out of it. He handed it to his daughter.

"No, I gave it to you. You can keep it."

"Wh- what's going on?" Kate asked, confused as to how or when her daughter could have given him anything. They just stood there, father holding his daughter's and son's hand. She was mesmerized by it, the love in his eyes. She remembered when Alexis had been kidnapped around seven years ago and the conversation they had at the precintc. He had talked about the day he had held Alexis for the first time, the day of her birth, that instant love he had felt for her as their eyes had met. That inexplicable love she had herself felt the day she gave birth to the twins and a woman had handed them to her. Today she was the one handing them to him for the first time, and she got to see it in his eyes, this love.

"Mom… mommy," the little boy said, trying to get his mother attention. After a few seconds she looked down to him. "You remember how Lee and I were supposed to stay at Alexis' yesterday but I was sick?"

"Yes, I do. Why honey?" she replied, confused as to where his was going.

"Well only Lee went. And this morning they came home by bus because Lex's car was broken… Lee told me that she had seen a man that looked like dad in the photos. And he was reading your book and also he wanted to drink water but his bottle was empty so she went to give him hers."

Lona's words started to make more sense now. Maybe it also explained why he had come here only today.

"Why didn't she tell me anything? Why didn't you?" She wanted to ask directly to her daughter but she and Castle were playing with their hands, fingers touching each inch of the other's hand, Alex was only holding his father's and looking up at her so getting an answer from him would be easier.

" Well… Alexis told her in the bus that it couldn't be possible and that she shouldn't wander off to strangers in the streets because it's dangerous. And when Lee told me what happened I said the same thing because when my hamster died you said he couldn't come back because he was dead… like daddy… but…" Her son paused, thinking of what to say next, thinking like Kate was. Was that it? Had he lived in the streets for five years? If that was the case why hadn't he come back earlier? Why now? "Sorry I didn't say anything mom."

"Oh no honey, it's okay. It's okay" she said, passing her hand carefully on his head not to ruin his haircut. What happens now?

"Mom?" the little girl called, breaking the eye contact with her father for the first time. "What's this?" she asked pointing to her father's wrist.

She had left the NYPD three years ago, being there without him and raising the kids became difficult for her to stay at the precinct. She had taken a teaching position at the police academy, it wasn't as great as being a police detective but she had more time with her kids and babysitting hours with Martha were easier to organize. When she had been a detective, she had seen the mark her daughter was showing her, but usually on dead bodies. They were old rope marks, starting to fade. Has he been tied up? Were there other marks on his body?

"Okay… Kids, can you go to my room and grab my purse; it should be on the bed. And please check if my phone and car keys are in it?" She knew the keys and the phone were in it, but she needed a few minutes alone with him. He brought back his eyes to her when the kids were out of sight.

"Castle… Have you…" she didn't know what to say so she grabbed his sleeve, and started to push it up his right arm. When she did, he grabbed her arm with his free hand and stopped her from going further. The gesture wasn't soft or loving as the hug had been at the doorstep, this one was frightened and pleading her to not do what she was about to. She looked up at him and his eyes were staring at her hand holding the sleeve.

"It's okay Castle. I'm not gonna do anything… don't worry, it's just me."

He looked up at her and the worry slowly faded away, she looked down and slowly pulled up his sleeve. She was expecting something but actually seeing it disturbed her. His skin had been cut several times, she could even see a recent burn on it.

"What happened to you?" it came out as a whisper as she looked up to him.

"Mom, are we going somewhere?" Lee asked, coming out of the bedroom, her brother following her and holding her purse. She pulled down his sleeve slowly not to frighten him, but fast enough so that the kids didn't see the injured arm.

"Hospital, we're going to the hospital."

She sat in an empty hallway, her kids next to her reading quietly, and waited. The worst part is the wait, the not knowing what is happening beyond the closed double door. Bringing him here had seemed logical, the scars and burns on his arm, his tired eyes, his heavy breaths, he didn't seem okay and it scared her. She wanted him to be okay, she wanted him to be okay with them. Maybe she should try reading as well. She had brought Castle's book in her purse. Of course she had already read the book, she had wrote it after all, she had lived it even, but what else could she do?

"Katherine?" Martha appeared at the other end of the hallway, the confusion she had heard on the phone when she had tried to explain the situation was now visible on Martha's face. The two women met halfway the hallway in a hug. Kate could feel Martha's eyes fixed on the double door behind her when she asked if what Kate had told on the phone was real. She explained everything, how she had come back to the apartment after parting ways with her and Alexis, how he had knocked at her door and handed her the book and hasn't said a word since. By the end of her monologue, Martha had sat down next to the kids, one of her hand was holding Alex's and drawing little circles on it with her thumb. Only one tear had escaped her eyes and fell on the little boys hand, the others she had whipped clean of her face before they fell.

"Where's Alexis? I thought she was with you?" Kate asked, the two were supposed to be together and she noticed only now that she was not here. If Kate had understood correctly, Castle had seen Lona this morning, therefore there was a chance he had seen his other daughter as well with her.

"I left her short after we left you. I called her right after you called me, she's coming." Martha explained how she hadn't said anything about the girl's father being back, as she had thought that she had misunderstood herself.

Ryan and Esposito came 5 minutes later; they wanted to come earlier but they were working on a heavy case for the past couple of months. It involved a serial killer but she didn't know anything precise. She explained them the situation again, it was the second time she did so but it still didn't seem real. The Guys were speechless and offered to try to figure out what had happen to him. Kate also asked Ryan if he could take the twins for the night, it was 10pm now and they had started to sleep on their chair.

"Of course, Beckett. Grace and Jenny will be happy to see them."

The kids obviously didn't want to go, claiming they weren't tired between yawns. She had convinced them after a few minutes, promising they won't have to go to school tomorrow and could stay with their father instead. This seemed to be what decided them to follow her ex-partner.

An hour after the kids left had passed and Alexis finally arrived. She was with her boyfriend, Dan (whom she had been dating for two years and known for four). When they met, Dan was a graduate student from a cooking school in France and had just opened a little restaurant in the city. Kate liked the young man, very talented and successful; he was really down to earth and had a great heart, and she was happy Alexis had found a good man.

"What happened? Are the twins okay?"

This reminded Kate than Alexis still didn't know. Not seeing the two kids around probably made Alexis think that they were sick or injured and needed care at the hospital.

"They are at Ryan's. They are fine." Kate answered. Now she had to explain for the third time how Castle had come, how he had never died, how he had find his way back. She took a deep breath just when Martha hold her hand and gave her a sympathetic look. She went ahead with telling her granddaughter.

"W- what?"

Martha's bit her bottom lip and repeated her words. Alexis' face decomposed, her lips moved but didn't let any words escape. She took a step back, if it weren't for Dan's hand holding her up, she would have fall right there. Seeing the young girl like this, eyes red and unable to pronounce any words made her think of the beginning of all this, when they all thought he was dead. Of course, that's the moment the doctor decided to show up.

Martha asked about Rick after introducing herself, Dan, and Alexis who was still in shock.

"Your husband's condition is like nothing I've ever seen." She addressed Kate since she was the one who brought him in.

"He's not my husband." She thought about saying but did not.

"His body is covered with scar tissues and burns, his back has most of the second-degree burns. His right ankle has been fractured and his right wrist broken, both healed really badly. And the list is long. It's a miracle he isn't in more pain to be honest. For the scars, most are superficial, but there is a few deep ones that left ugly scars. It's obvious that the person who did this to him wanted something from him given the ropes marks and one big scar on his left shoulder which appears to come from a stabbing. But his body's state is only the tip of the iceberg."

A fractured ankle, a broken wrist, second degree burns, scars and this was only the beginning. The doctor proceeded to explain Castle's mental health. He had a retrograde amnesia, and couldn't remember some parts of what had happen to him before the last five years. Added to that was the mutism, the doctor explained that he was able to speak but his brain refused to. All this was a defense mechanism to avoid the pain of what was done to him.

Castle had been held captive for five years, tortured it seemed. He held the physical and mental damages. It took him five years to get out of there, five years she had done nothing to get him out, five years she thought he was dead when he was probably waiting for her, until his amnesia kicked in. She had forgotten about him. She had let him down.

Kate blamed herself. And the only thing she could do is ask for forgiveness. But what would it do? He couldn't talk, probably didn't remember her entirely. He shouldn't forgive her, she thought.

"Do you want to see him?"

She realized the doctor was talking to her and she hadn't answered.

"No," she said abruptly "I… Martha and Alexis should see him first… they haven't seen him..."

"Come on darling, it could be good for him to see you, to see us all. Familiar faces, that's what he needs right now." Martha suggested.

"No, later. I have a few calls to make first, but I'll join you later." She answered, trying to give a smile to the woman. She could see that Martha didn't buy it, that no calls were needed, but she decided not to talk about it for now and just gave Kate a knowing smile.

"Alright, his room is 503. Oh and I almost forgot. We noticed that he has troubles with staying under bright lights so we've turned off the light and let some dim lights on only. Just don't turn on the lights even if the room is really dark." These were the doctor's last words; she left towards an office and shut the door behind her. Martha took Alexis' hand and walked towards the double door, where the room 503 was, but Alexis didn't move.

"I'm not sure I can do this…" the woman whispered out. Her face showed happiness at the news but mostly terror. The trembling movement of her lips and her red eyes wide open, she was really, really terrified. That's when Dan turned and held each side of her face with both his hand, making her look up to him.

"Lex, of course you can. Your father will be delighted to see you, as you will be. Everything will be okay, and if you need me, I'll be right here in this hallway, alright? Martha and Kate are here too. You're not alone. You can do this, you're a survivor, like your dad, right?"

His thumb was gently caressing her cheek as he spoke; his voice was calm and steady. He looked at her as if she was the most important thing in the world, as if one of them was the moon and the other the earth, and that one couldn't leave without the other. She didn't know which was which but maybe they knew. She had seen them together before but she had never seen them like this before, this familiarity and passion. He let out a slight laugh at his last words which made Alexis smile and nod at him. Alexis squeezed Martha's hand slightly and smiled towards Kate.

"Not alone." she whispered. Dan kissed Alexis' cheek slightly and let her go with Martha. The two women disappeared behind the double doors.

She sat down and kept starring at Castle's book she held in her hand.

How long had she been holding it?

She asked herself that question for half an hour until she looked up to find Dan sitting next to her. She had forgotten that he was here.

He was looking down to a little velvet box revealing a ring inside. He must have noticed that Kate was looking at him in the corner of her eyes because he began to speak.

"I was going to propose to her today. I had asked Martha to drop by the restaurant after an hour of shopping, so that she wouldn't have an idea of what I was planning. Then Martha would excuse herself and let us together. I had the whole thing planned. We would cook and eat her favorite dish together. And after desert, I'd ask her to marry me. It was perfect in my head, just her and me, you know?" he paused to run a hand over the surface of the ring and then continued "I was so nervous and scared. I know I love her, and I know she loves me but… what if she doesn't want this now? I didn't want to scare her off or... But then I thought back to the day I had met her. Has Alexis talked to you about it?"

She hadn't. Whenever Martha or her would bring up the question, the young woman would only say that they had met at his job and talked, leaving out all the details.

"It was around a year after her father… disappearance. She was alone and I was waiting for her to leave so I could close the restaurant. I had brought her dish to her and the only sounds I could hear were the ones of the plates I was washing when I got back to the kitchen. Ten minutes later, I hear her laughing. I thought she was on the phone or something, but no. She was just looking at the omelet she had ordered at midnight and the whipped cream she had put over it. I was just at the kitchen door, looking at her from afar and her laugh was the most beautiful thing I had ever heard. But then the laughter's slowed down and became sobs. This was one of those moments, you know? When you forget the world and its rules, and are acutely aware of only two things : yourself and what is happening right in front of you. I couldn't help myself and had to do something. I didn't even think, I just did what my guts told me to do and next thing I knew, I was sitting on the chair across her and had removed the plate from her. She cried for at least 20 minutes and I was there, silent and looking at her. Then she looked up at me and said 'Nothing is right and I don't know how to fix it. I don't know if I can fix it'. She cried more and I did the only thing I could do. I held her hand." He closed the velvet box and held it tightly between his two hands.

"When I was terrified to ask her, sitting on the same chair she had been on that day, I thought back to what I told her that night, the only thing I had told her. And then all my fears were gone."

He put the box in his inner pocket and rubbed his face with his hand. He was exhausted as she was. Kate's watch showed midnight.

"Martha called just when I had taken the box out of my pocket. I don't know, maybe it's a sign that I shouldn't ask her. It's not the right time or being married isn't for us and all..."

Kate thought back to when Castle had proposed to her, to the worries she had back then.

"Marriage isn't about bad timing, Dan. Things will get ruff, just like they've been before. That doesn't change. It's a promise, to figuring things out together, going through those hard times together. If you're willing to do that, then marriage won't be too difficult for you, because even if things don't go as planned, you promise to have each other's backs, always." As she finished her sentence Alexis appeared at the double door, smiling, tears gone from her face.

"Guys, if you want to see him you should do it now. He is starting to get tired."

"Thanks Alexis, we're coming" Kate answered, Alexis went back to her father's room. Both Kate and Dan stood up and walked towards the double door, before to open the door Kate turned back to the young man.

"What was the thing that you told Alexis that day when you met her? That made you decide to propose to her just before Martha called?"

"I told her that some things couldn't be fixed. But that it didn't mean that they couldn't be transformed into something different." He walked past her and opened the door for her to walk in. "And that, if she wants it bad enough, then the change will be as good as the old, if not better." he finished.

The room's door was slightly open but with no lights on she couldn't see anything inside. Dan knocked on the door gently and a few seconds later, Alexis opened the door. The terror that had been on her eyes earlier was gone and only a smile of pure joy could be seen on it. She took Dan hands. They followed Alexis lead and entered the room. Only a lamp was on and Martha was holding Castle's left hand, when the older woman turned her eyes towards them Castle's did as well. But Kate couldn't look at him, so she gave him a quick smile and sat down at the empty chair next to his feet. Alexis sat back to Castle's right, still holding her boyfriend's hand.

"Dad, this is Dan. He's um…" she looked up to him before finishing her sentence. "He's my fiancé." she finished, giving the young man a smile. Of course Alexis knew he wanted to propose. Or was it her way to propose to him? In any case, the young man's smile growing on his face was indicating that he approved of the term.

They stayed silent. After an hour everyone had fallen asleep except her. She was still staring at the book in her hands, gently touching the cover. She opened it, she didn't know why, maybe a reader's habit. The pages were highlighted in different colors, some parts were circled and others had question marks above them. Did it mean he had forgotten about those? She went through each page, taking mental notes of what he had written on them. Montgomery's shooting was highlighted and the part she had written about how she had felt hanging off that roof was circled. She observed everything, every ink that had been added, until she arrived towards the end of the book. Some drained blood was on the corner of the book, further she went in the book and bigger the stain was, reaching the printed words. The black words were hard to distinguish from the red blood until the last pages, where the book had soaked so long in the blood that the paper was black with blood, and the words were just impossible to separate from it.

"I'm so sorry, Castle."

She closed the book.

"I should have been there and I wasn't. I should have saved you and I didn't even try. I'm so sorry." She cried. "I'm so sorry, Castle."

She kept crying in silence until she fell asleep on her chair, the book falling from her lap to the floor.

Author's Note : I want to apologize with the long delay on this chapter. The first thousands words didn't want to come out. Added to that, exams results, uni registration, catching up some tv shows and not feeling well days, this chapter took longer to write than I first expected.

As you can see, this fic started as a one-shot but isn't one anymore. I have a general idea where I want this story to go, a few ideas for different chapters, but I'm mostly writing this as it comes. So I don't really know how long it will be or how often I will upload. And if the chapters are all 4k(ish) so far, I'm not sure they all will be.

Your follows/favs really push me to write more (and faster) and your reviews really warm my heart and help me improve my writing. And for all of them THANK YOU. Even people only reading this fic, makes me love this new side of the fandom I'm discovering slowly and I'M LOVING IT, THANK YOU !

Looking forward to read your reviews (positive and/or negative) and I hope you're spending a good day, if not, remember: You're a survivor and everything will be okay.