CHAPTER 4: GUILTY

Kate opened the door and found him sitting uncomfortably straight in his chair, starring at the wall in front of him. Only one light turned on above him. "Castle?" she called out a couple of times behind him. She raised her hand to rest it on his shoulder and at the contact, a scar appeared.

She was now standing in front of him and could see the restrains keeping him from moving. Horrified, she crouched and started to untie his wrists and ankles.

"Come on Castle. Let's get out of here." Her voice sounding more panicked that she had wished. He didn't move once she had freed him, he intensely stared up at her.

The room was enough enlighten to see his eyes, filled with pain, hatred and disappointment. She called out to him again but he didn't move, the burns and scars appearing on his body each time she said his name. "Castle." she pleaded again.

"Castle. "

"Castle."

"Castle."

She suddenly found herself behind the window of the interrogation room. Disoriented by the sudden change of scenery, she ran to the door to open it. Locked, she walked back to the window and tried to break it, it being her only escape.

"CASTLE!" she screamed, "CASTLE TALK TO ME!" she shouted. He kept starring at her though the window, each time her fist would make contact with the window's glass, a new bruise, a new cut appeared on his body.

"I'm so sorry Castle. I am." His green eyes were still on her, filled with guilt, disappointment and self hatred. She hit the glass even harder.

"Please, forgive me!"She hit the window over and over again but not a dent would appear on the glass. She let herself fall down on the floor, tears pouring out of her eyes.

"I'm so sorry." she mumbled between sobs, her hands covering her eyes, trying to erase the image of those eyes on her.

"CASTLE!" she yelled. The glass shattered above her, pieces of it falling all over her.

She jumped off her chair when she woke up. "Just a bad dream." she told herself, rubbing her eyes with her hands. Her body ached from the night spent on the chair. She stayed in this position, face in her hands, for a few minutes, trying to clear out her mind. She couldn't get rid off the image of the green eyes staring at her.

"Mrs. Beckett?"

She almost jumped again at the sound of the feminine voice calling her. She turned around and found the young doctor resting on the door frame, arms crossed in front of her.

"I'm sorry if I woke you up." she added once Kate turned around to face her.

"No it's alright. How's-" she turned around to look at the bed, expecting to see him, but he wasn't there. The chair where Martha and Alexis had been in last night was also empty. She was suddenly overwhelmed with panic.

"We took him for some tests earlier this morning. He's with your family in the hallway right now." She paused a few seconds and précised that he was fine.

The clock on the wall showed 11a.m. and Kate was still in a blurry state, not fully awake. She couldn't let go of the images from her dream, his eyes looking right at her like he never had in the past. The doctor walked over to the chair in front of her and sat down.

"The next few days and weeks are going to be crucial for him. If the circumstances were different we would keep him at least three days but I think it's best to make an exception here."

"I understand." Kate replied quietly, "How many weeks is he going to stay?"

"Well… Preferably none." Kate first thought that she misheard. His physical and mental state was surely too important for him to just leave the hospital. "What Mr. Castle needs is rest, a lot of it and a steady environment. That's sleep, healthy food and good hygiene but also people around him that love him and help him go back to a normal routine. I'm sure he will find all this at home."

"But… what about the trauma? What if something goes wrong?"

"That's what I wanted to talk to you about. If, as your stepmother and stepdaughter would like, you do bring him home, you have to be fully aware of this. We can't know what happened to him precisely before he talks, but if his injuries are any indication, it was really violent. We've seen some people victim of torture being violent towards the people that try to help them before. But I don't think that's the case with your husband."

"He's not my husband." She snapped. During parents meetings or when filling out paper, husband and wife was that empty case she could never cross. According to the paper, she was just alone. "He's… he's my partner." Kate said, looking up to the woman across from her. The woman's eyes showed compassion towards her. At any second the woman will probably take her hand and try to reassure her and that she did not wanted. She had to deal with this on her own first, deal with this situation and what she did on her own.

"Why isn't it his case?" Kate inquired, hoping the woman would go back to their original conversation.

"Well… during the few tests we have performed, whenever someone would get close or touch him, he would keep them away. He didn't hurt anyone at all, but after three doctors held him down so we could take some of his blood, we saw that he had closed his fits so tight his nails cut his hands. We're not worried that he could hurt someone else, even if that is a possibility, but mostly that he could hurt himself."

Kate buried her face in her hands. She couldn't take care of him for many obvious reasons. First, she couldn't possibly be with him 24/7 with her job (but she did have a lot of days off waiting to be taken). Second, staying in the hospital would be the best decision in case of medical urgency and lastly, the kids.

"Are you sure he wouldn't hurt someone else? Because what you just said is the exact opposite."

A light laugh escaped the doctor's mouth and Kate's veins popped. Was she mocking her for being concerned of her kids safety, the love of her life and father of her kids had come back from the dead and laughing was not what she wanted to hear.

"You should take a look at him in the hallway but yes, I'm pretty sure you have nothing to worry about."

The doctor left, leaving Kate alone in her chair. She walked towards the sink in the little bathroom of the room. The cold water against her skin felt good, cleaning what remained of her dream, until she looked up to the mirror and saw her eyes again. Hers, it was her eyes. She made a fist of her right hand and rested it against the glass. She took a deep breath to calm down and push away all her thoughts. Now was not the time to break down but the one to get everything together.

She walked to the door and peeked at the hallway. Martha and Alexis were talking together while Castle and the twins were on the right side of the corridor, their back to her. They had moved Castle to a wheelchair, Alex sitting on his father's lap while Lee was trying to push them, without success.

She understood what the doctor had said about Castle by looking at his left arm, the only thing she could see aside of the back of his head. He was relaxed, his hand on the armrest, holding on to it slightly but only to stay balanced as his son was jumping on his lap. She also noticed the bandage around his hand. That's when Alex, who so far had been giving orders to his sister to push them, got off his father and turned around the wheelchair to join his sister. By doing so, he saw her and called out to her, which made everyone's head turn around as well (except his, she sadly noticed).

Martha and Alexis were the first one to join her.

"We tried to wake you up three hours ago but nothing." the young woman told her. "How are you?"

"As well as sleeping on a chair is, which is not so good." Kate remembered last night, and how Martha had let her some time to think and thanked her, she then asked the two women if they really thought taking him out of the hospital was the best for him. They did and repeated pretty much everything the doctor had told her ten minutes ago.

"CHAIR COMING!" the twins called. Both were pushing the chair towards the three women. They lost control of it and Castle was now coming towards them fast. If Alexis and Martha were able to avoid the coming chair, Kate's vision cleared only when they stepped aside. Without thinking, she put her hands in front of her in an attempt to stop the chair, they slammed against each of the armrests, stopping instantly the chair and ejecting Castle out of it. Surprised by his body coming towards her, she grabbed him to keep him from falling on the floor.

The two of them were now tangled in a weird embrace. She could feel his arms around her, holding on to her. It was the first physical contact they had since they left the apartment. She almost dived in the crook of his shoulder, feeling the warm of his body against hers, but decided against it. She sat him back on the chair. She couldn't decipher his eyes, they were so familiar but at the same time so distant from what she remembered. She swallowed and broke the eye contact, fearing what she could see once she had looked hard enough to understand. That's how she saw his fists closed tightly.

"It's okay Castle." She told him, trying to open one of his hands gently. "No one is gonna hurt you anymore." She told him, avoiding his eyes and removing her hands. After a few seconds, his fits opened. Relieved, she looked up to him. It was so easy to get lost in his eyes, so simple. It comforted her to see his blue eyes staring back at her, a reassurance that he was here, but she was also terrified at the idea that any of his looks could be the last one directed to her without rejection. So she looked away, foolishly thinking that if she didn't look, the love that might still be in his eyes wouldn't be able to leave.

"Sorry mother." Alex said, his hands had been hiding his eyes. Lee repeated the same words after removing her hands from her mouth. Alexis suggested bringing Castle back to his room, Martha followed and let Kate talk with her kids.

"Kids, no more pushing him around. This could have ended badly, for him but also for you both." Kate stated calmly, giving them a little hug.

"We just wanted to bring him to you. We know how much you missed Dad." She let out a sight. Of course that's what they wanted to do.

"You also wanted to push him around too because it's funny, or am I wrong?" asked teasingly.

"Well, just a little bit."

Kate smiled and sat down the twins on the nearest bench, "Kids, your father is going through some difficult stuff right now. That's why he…"

"Why he doesn't talk." her daughter finished.

"Yes honey. When we thought your father was gone, he was actually with some people."

"Bad guys?" her son asked.

"Yes, he was. But now he's back and we gotta help him get better, Grams, Alexis, me but also you two."

"We can? You don't usually let us help with important stuff at home." her daughter commented.

"Oh I know how I can help! I'll give him some of my candy!" Alex waved the chocolate bar in his hand as if he only realized now he was holding it.

"Who gave you that?"

"Uncle Kevin gave me money for the vending machine when he brought us here. Chocolate is great, Dad will love it!"

Kate took a mental note to talk to Ryan about this. The two were already bouncing and running around every day, adding sugar to the mix and they would never stop. Lona took her brother's chocolate bar and ate some of it as soon as it left her brother's hand. "She meant help with our awesome selves' bro." She turned to her mother "Will do, Mommy General!" She stood at attention towards her mother; Alex quickly mimicked her and followed with a "What she said."

She smiled at the pair of them looking up at her. Their enthusiasm and cheerfulness making her feel better about the situation. She was surprised and relieved at how easily they had understood what was happening. She gave a quick kiss on each of their foreheads and let them joined everyone else in Castle's room. She looked at them walking in the hallway, Lona breaking what was left of the chocolate bar in two and giving a piece to her brother. They had almost reached the door when her phone buzzed.

"Yo Beckett! Sorry to disturb your family time, could you drop off what writer boy had with him when he came back, might be some clues in there. No rush but sometime in the next few days would be perfect. See ya.

JE

Ps: Say hi to Castle from everyone at the 12th"

Kate put the phone back in her pocket, not checking the 12 e-mails waiting to be read, probably from some of her students she was supposed to see today. She realized that she hadn't called the school to warn them of her absence. Joining Ryan's note was now calling the academy and use the few days off she had, plus calling a replacement she trusted.

Castle's doctor was by the reception, taking paper off the desk. Not remembering her name, Kate tentatively called out "doctor" hoping the tall woman would turn around, which she did. As she walked towards her, Kate wondered whether or not the woman had tried modeling, her short dark hair and brown eyes giving her a serious and yet reassuring appearance. Kate looked down at her badge very quickly to read her name.

"Dr. Jeffords, what you said this morning about taking him out of the hospital, when could it be done?"

"We're still waiting on the result of this morning's test." She looked down at her watch "I think you could leave by 2 or 3 p.m."

Kate thought she had heard Castle's name and turned around to his room but no one was there.

" -take him after all?"

"I'm sorry, what did you say?"

"So you decided to take him after all?" the doctor repeated.

"It's either that or him going straight for the wall." She mumbled to herself. "Yes, I guess we did."

"I'll have someone bring you the papers you'll need to sign then."

She heard Castle's name again, but this time she knew she wasn't loosing it. The sound wasn't from behind her but in front of her, in the waiting area. She walked passed Dr. Jeffords, whose hair and long legs had been quickly forgotten, and reached the small room. Only one man, in his mid thirties was here, holding a document and his phone, watching the television in front of him, she followed his gaze to look at the screen. On air was some "people news" show starring a guy called Jordan and a woman whose name was Terry (or maybe it was Kelly), nothing very interesting unless you wanted to know who was sleeping with whom at the moment. The cable show's summary finished and the camera was back on the two "journalists". The woman was the first one to talk:

"Good morning Jordan! How are you today?"

"I'm feeling good. What about you Kerry, are you having a nice morning?"

"A very good one my dear, my favorite mystery novel writer came back from the dead today. How crazy?"

The screen revealed an old photo of Castle from one of his old public appearance, his sunglasses on his noise, pen in his hand and signing pictures of himself.

"One of our sources spotted the five year long dead, or not so much, writer at a hospital in New York City." The picture faded and revealed a shaking video taken with an iPhone where she could see Castle in his wheelchair looking at the twins in front of him. Alexis was in the back but only her hair were visible, the rest of her was hidden by a wall.

"I'm sorry Kerry but I don't know that man."

"Oh Jordan that's because you, like a lot of other Americans, do not read much. But it's okay, I still love you and I'm here to remember you the facts. The handsome and once closely shaved Richard Castle is the author of the famous Derrick Storm book series. After killing his main character in the last book he then wrote a new series of books, Nikki Heat, about a journalist Jameson Rook following a strong, smart and sexy N.Y.P.D .detective in her cases." The television screen showed the video on a loop, with a banner "Richard Castle is alive!" at the bottom.

"You see Jordan, five years ago, the long nicknamed "white whale" was about to marry N.Y.P.D. detective and muse Katherine Beckett, but had a tragic car accident on his way to the wedding. After investigation, proof of his presence in the car had been found and, to my great despair and the ones of all his fans, the writer was officially died."

"Oh yes! I remember the accident in the Hamptons, was it?. What a shame."

"Indeed Jordan, and do you see the two little brown haired kids just there."

"Oh yes Kerry I do. Are they his?!"

"That's the worst part of the story. His bride-to-be, who wrote a book called "Castle" after his death, was actually pregnant at the time, and this is the very first footage of the little five year old Castle twins on American television."

"Well, I don't know about you Kerry, but I cannot wait to hear more of this story."

"Wait until someone tells him that her book sold better than his last Derrick Storm."

"Until then, I have some people news for you concerning America's sweetheart Taylor Swift, who has been spotted with something new on her left hand."

Kate stopped breathing, she was red. Red with anger that now everyone knew about his sudden come back, red that him and her kids had been filmed this morning, red that some journalists wannabes' main concern wasn't his health but who had sold more books. S

She was also red with shame, red that she had let the kids come here, that instead of watching their backs and Castle's, she was sleeping, red that she had let all this happen.

Red with anger. Red with shame.

"It's amazing isn't it?" the man cheered, looking up at her from his chair with his eyes wide open, "I'm so happy that man is alive! His books were truly GLORIOUS! And I can't believe my footage is on television! I thought I was hallucinating at first, but it was him, right over there, with those kids! God I can't believe the amount of money I just sold that video, I'm going to be able to pay for that surgery after all and even some bills. When I think that I had first asked for an appointment at 11 a.m. Maybe it was fate."

Kate looked down to the man next to her. His grin disappeared from his face as soon as his eyes made contact with hers, red with unshed tears.

Red was all she could see.

She punched the man's noise with her closed fist.

Once.

"WHAT THE HELL?!" the man screamed, stepping back and holding his noise as if it were about to fall.

Twice.

Author's Note: While writing the first 2k of this chapter I cut my hand pretty deep by accident. So know that, aside of the emotional pain of writing this, was added physical pain. If this chapter is squeezing out your heart like it did mine, consider my injury your payback (or maybe it is the reason why I made this chapter a little more painful, it depends how you look at the situation).

Moreover, I was on tumblr the other day (how surprising!) and stumbled upon a quote on my dash. I decided to put it here, since it deals with a theme of chapter 2 that I will deepen more in chapter 6 (?):

"When you live in the dark for so long, you begin to love it. And it loves you back, and isn't that the point? You think, the face turns to the shadows, and just as well. It accepts, it heals, it allows. But it also devours." (Raymond Carver, Late Fragment)

I'm looking forward to your reviews.

See you in another life brother the next chapter and have a nice day (or night if you read fanfiction at 1 a.m. like me).