CHAPTER 5: CROSSFIRE

Two cops in the hospital emerged from behind her and kept her from hitting the stranger once more. She let herself being dragged away from the man, her legs walking wherever they were leading her. She walked pass Castle's room, which door had been closed during the whole fight, and the cops sat her down in a room at the opposite end of the hallway. After a few minutes of calls, the stranger (whose name was Frank Burr she overheard) had filed a complaint. One of the cops took out his cuffs to put them around her wrists but the other one stopped him, whispering "from the house" as he did so. They walked out of the hospital for the precinct and when the elevator's door were about to close, she looked back and saw Martha, calling out for her. The door closed.

The friction the bandages created against the raw skin of her knuckles was unpleasant, yet, she kept opening and closing her fists over and over again. At least they hadn't put her in a cell.

Her chair was next to the break room's door and whenever a cop would walk passed her and open it, she could smell the hot coffee from the room.

She had been weak she realized now, had reacted on an impulse. But she didn't regret it either, not entirely anyway. The part where Martha saw her and the one that will come up once she will see the rest of her family that she will regret.

What disturbed Kate most was that resorting to violence was not who she was. She had changed a lot in the last five years, that what life does, as well as having twins, quitting the precinct and loss. She became a great mother, a great teacher she believed. She had tried to be the best version of herself to honor Castle and for her kids, fought to keep her walls down.

This violence was the one of her old self, the one who joined the NYPD because of her mother's murder and shielded herself from the world brick by brick.

Her worse self, was resurfacing building thicker and taller walls than before while her was her new self, destroyed it as it came together. What happened at the hospital was the result of this battle where she hadn't chose which side to pick.

"Hey." Ryan's voice was quiet as he put a chair next to her "Martha called saying you got arrested for punching a guy? Twice?" he waited for her to nod and then continued "Esposito is talking with the guy, trying to get him to drop the charges."

They stayed there in silence. The minutes passed, the clock was ticking and the coffee smell from the break room was the only source of serenity. Her head resting against the wall she took it in, images of her precinct flashing in front of her eyes and the memories of those thousands cups Castle had brought to her emerged. She smiled remembering the numerous times their fingers had brushed as he had handed her the hot coffee and the chills she would always have from the contact until her lips reached the cup. She missed coffee, his coffee.

"You know… I can't imagine what it's like for you obviously but, if it were me? If it were Jenny and Sarah Grace on that television? I would have punched the guy a third time." She opened her eyes and looked at him. From a stranger's point of view, Ryan would look quite handsome, elegant with a casual look, but not to hers: the messy hair, leather jacket instead of his three piece suit, he had gone out of his house in a rush. But he wasn't reprimanding her, on the contrary.

"You're not going to lecture me?" Her voice was hoarse from the unuse of the past couple of hours.

"Why? " He paused, keeping his arms crossed in front of him and looking up to the ceiling, exactly as she was a few seconds ago "I get why you did it."

"Why?" She inquired. As he was about to answer, Esposito joined them. Her second ex partner entered with a cheerful "Yo" and told them that the charges had been dropped, thanks to his charming ways (and that the stranger being a fan of Castle had been a way to convince him easily).

"You feelin' better?" he addressed her, pointing at her hand. But they both knew the question wasn't about her hands burning under the bandages. Kate nodded, not entirely certain she really was fine.

The guys gave her a ride home so she could join Martha and Alexis who had taken care of getting Castle out of the hospital. They used this time to ask about Castle's state but she hadn't much to tell them unfortunately.

"And you have no idea how that happened to him?" Esposito asked after Kate told him about his body state.

"None. Obviously he didn't do this to himself which means that someone else was involved, kept him all these years and let him go now. But why after everything…" After what exactly she wondered. After who did what and why?

Ryan who had stayed silent so far spoke "I don't get it. That day, we found a burned body in his car. He really was dead, all the tests we made we did again, several times. If Esposito hadn't talk to Lanie, she would probably be checking everything until now. Lab reports, dental records, everything was a match for him."

"So it means that someone tempered with the evidence. Someone, somewhere in the precinct or the lab, or both, knows the truth." Esposito finished.

"We need to reopen the case. Look at everyone who worked on it, conduct interrogations before they know Castle's come back. Starting with -"

"No Kate." Ryan interrupted. "We, Esposito and I, will look into this. You can't be involved in the case, you're too close."

"Like hell I will Ryan! It's Castle we're talking about!" Kate snapped, she might not be a cop anymore, but this was the only way to get answer, and she won't pass on that. "I'll help, I have to know what happened to him."

"She's right Ryan. She can consult with us. No one knows Castle better than her. It's our best chance to find out who's behind this." Esposito's support of her decision wasn't approved by Ryan, that much was clear.

"This isn't a good idea guys. At all. And I'm saying this on the record." He said after letting out a long sign indicating he was giving up.

"Please Ryan, it's the only way for me to help him. There's nothing else I can do."

They stayed silent, each one of them deep in their thoughts, Esposito occasionally yelling at some careless drivers.

"We don't know who but..." It came out hesitant from Ryan, "Did Castle had anything on him that could help us know where he has been?"

"Not much really. Junk food, not much of it, pens, an empty water bottle... And the book..."

"Writer boy had a book on him?" Esposito chuckled, hitting his index on the wheel while waiting for people to cross the road.

"My book..." Both turned around to look at her on the backseat, Kate swallowed hard "A good part of the last pages were covered in blood." Car horns from behind them made Esposito jumped and focus back on the road.

"How did he get it?" Ryan asked.

"I have no idea. He just knocked at my door and handed it to me."

"And the blood, you think it's his?"

"No idea... He... He hasn't said a word. I - I don't - I don't know..." Ryan turned around and laid down his hand on her knee, giving her a comforting smile. "We're almost at your place, we'll get that book and have it run some test. If it's his, we will know, if not, we might have some new answers."

"Don't worry Beckett" Esposito looked at her through the mirror, "It'll take time but we'll get them. Just gotta be patient."

Kate felt lucky to have them, supporting her. They were not family by blood, but they were by heart, since their very first case. They've always been there for each other, and she was glad it hadn't changed after she left the 12th.

When the three of them walked into the loft, they were greeted by two little beings. Several "yo" and "bro" were said around the room. Kate scanned quickly her surroundings, the twins were high fiving the guys, Martha and Alexis were on the couch looking at her. She gave the two women an apologizing smile which only the young woman returned. Martha spoke out as Kate noticed Castle's absence, informing her that he was resting in the bedroom.

Kate needed to have a talk with Martha, to apologize for letting her and the others down, or try to explain herself. She gave the book to the guys and they left, proposing to Kate to drop by the precinct to review all the evidence. The kids went back to their room, giving a quick kiss to their mother, Kate guessed Martha or Alexis had told them where she had been, which would explain the lack of questioning.

"Grams told them you went to the precinct, to talk with the guys about everything." Alexis said after the two kids were out if the room. Kate sat down on the armchair "Thank you", the shy smile in the corner of her mouth adding "and sorry you had to lie".

"Don't worry about it Kate". Alexis' hand reached for hers and Kate squeezed the woman's hand, that's when she noticed the ring on her finger.

"I'm happy for you Alexis, you deserve this."

Alexis blushed slightly and look down to her hand, as if she didn't know what to do with it. She cleared her throat. "Hum.. I talked with Martha about something but I wanted to run it by you too. Now that dad's back, I was thinking maybe I could move back here? Not permanently but-"

"But you've missed him" Kate finished. "Of course, Alexis." She paused and looked at Martha. She had played poker with her several times over the years, but her poker face had never been this good. She turned her head to Alexis, whose smile covered her entire face.

"I guess that's not what Dan had imagined for the nights following his proposal." Kate joked, remembering how she and Castle barely left their beds the days following the proposal.

"No, it's not. But coming here was his idea actually." Alexis was lucky to have someone who knew her and what she needed. Of course Alexis could handle a lot of things on her own, she was smart, strong and could get herself out of any problem. But having someone next to her to propose help, Kate knew how important that was and she was glad Alexis had found it.

"Thank you Kate" the young woman added before to head upstairs. Even if she would have her own room upstairs, Kate knew her kids will probably propose her to move her bed to their bedroom for a real sleepover.

"I'm so sorry Martha. I don't know why I... I just saw him… And the kids and I lost it... I..."

"I understand better than you imagine Kate. I've been there."

Martha had been a big public figure when she had her son, Kate knew, and even if the media were different at that time, they were still there. Kate had forgotten this until now. "He is going to need us, Katherine."

"I know but -"

"There is no 'but'. It's your book he showed up with, he is going to need you."

"He has amnesia Martha! You're his mother, Alexis is his daughter but me? For the six years we've spent together, I pushed him away during four of them. He doesn't know his two other kids and that we were about to get married."

"You can't know that for sure, he still hasn't said anything."

"But I do. I do know because of the book and the notes he left on it. The question marks, the confused question written all over the latest readable pages of the book."

"But he loved you, for longer than you might think. That's not gone."

Kate buried her face in her hand, elbows on her knees. The loft was quite aside of the few laughs from upstairs, barely audible, breaking the silence.

"I'll help him Martha, of course, but there is not much I can do." Kate expected an answer from Martha but she stayed silent. Kate chuckled, realizing the woman was using the same technique she herself used when she interrogated suspect, using the silence so that the suspect keeps talking, until tricking himself. Today Kate was the suspect and she knew what she was guilty for: this morning, five years ago.

"I'll find who did this to him." Kate let her tears fall "I will." the silent cry became sobs and Martha took her in her arms, soothing her.

In Kate's hair she whispered "If that's the only thing you can do..."

Kate knocked on the bedroom's door and opened the door slowly. She heard water falling from the tap in the bathroom.

The room was dark, curtain closed letting only a little light from the late afternoon in the room. Kate's eyes fell on her bed, done this morning, one of the corner slightly deranged because someone sat on it, because he had sat on it. It had been his bed first, then theirs and for the last five years hers. A too big and too cold bed to sleep in for five years, aside for the nights when the twins slept next to her. Now it was their bed again and it terrified her. Not because she didn't want it but because she didn't know if that's what he wanted, if he remembered all this being theirs in the first place.

Was it that easy? Just lay there next to him until sleep comes? The thing is she knew she wouldn't be able to sleep. She would want her last image of the day to be his eyes. She won't sleep on the bed tonight, because she knew that her reflection won't be in them.

She considered knocking on the bathroom's door and asking him if everything was okay but remembered he couldn't reply anyway. As she was about to turn around and leave the room, Kate saw a puddle of water coming out underneath the door.

"Castle?" she called out, hearing only the water falling. Kate approached the door and knocked again, called out for him and asked if he felt alright but he didn't answer. Kate took a deep breath and opened the door. The lights were off and she instinctively reached for the light switch. Her eyes scanned the room from the right side, where the sink was. The water was falling from the sink to the floor. She followed the water's trail and she saw him on the floor, his back against the bathtub and hands on the floor.

"Castle, are you okay?!" Kate bent down and reached for his face. Mere minutes ago, she was thinking about avoiding his eyes, but now that's the thing she wanted to see. She didn't know what she expected, had act on impulse, but when each her hands touched each side of his face and pulled it up to force eye contact, the eyes she met freaked her out. She stayed stoic, unable to move or talk, and kept starring. He was not okay. Not because he had just hurt himself but because he simply wasn't. A tear escaped her eye; nothing from the Castle she knew was in his eyes. The joy, tenderness, dedication and love, none of it was there. She had been so scared to see his hatred for her in his eyes that she had tried to avoid him. But what she was seeing right now was much worse.

"Rick..." It came out as a whisper; more tears had fallen on her cheeks. How could she have believed she could fix the situation? At this moment she doubted she could make him feel better, but she will try her best, she owed him. She stood up, cut the sink and wiped off her tears. Looking up to the mirror she noticed her tears were gone but replaced with a small trail of red. Blood.

She looked down to her palm, and a small drop of blood was spread out on it. Her bandages being clean it couldn't be hers, she looked back to him and noticed his cheeks, freshly shaved.

"You lost the hand of it." Kate told him, smiling, noticing the several small cut he had on his cheeks and neck. She cleaned the cuts with a towel gently on his cheeks and neck. That's when she noticed that he had removed his shirt. Her mouth and eyes opened at the sight. She knew about the scars and burns, had seen a few on his arms, but it's the first time she saw his entire chest. The stabbing scar on his shoulder she had barely glimpsed when he was in his hospital gown was now completely visible. He also had lost a lot of weight, which had been hidden with the large clothe he had worn since he came back.

He was looking at her and she tried not to stare, not to let a word out of her mouth, compose herself, but this was a lot. She looked up to his eyes and that's when she understood: it was the first time he had seen his body as well.

She helped him up and sat him on the chair next to the bed. His pants were wet and he was putting water everywhere but at least he wasn't on the floor anymore. She dried him with a towel gently as much as she could.

"I'm going to get you some fresh clothes and then you should lie down, get some rest."

Most of his clothes, and things in general, had been put in boxes and moved to her old apartment, where Alexis had moved. But Kate had kept some of her favorites, oddly, most of them were fandom shirts (including the nebula 9 he had bought to surprise her). She took one at random, some pants and gave it to him.

"I'm sorry Castle." she still hadn't told him she thought "For this..." Kate continued, but "this" didn't come close to what she was sorry for "I'm sorry for everything."

Holding his gaze was too hard, too painful, she wasn't sure he had understood what she meant by the way his eyebrows were frowned.

"Martha and Alexis are here if you need anything." Kate turned around, about to leave, when he caught her hand, keeping her from leaving. His soaked bandages making contact with her dry ones, their fingers intertwined like it had been so many times before. His hand was gentle; his thumb had caressed her skin softly as he had caught it. She couldn't help but look down. She could feel her blood pumping faster in her veins at the contact going from her fingers to her tiptoe, she could feel him everywhere.

At this moment, she decided on which side of the wall to stand.

"I'll find out what happened. Who did this to you. I promise." She squeezed hiw hand slightly. "I'll ask Martha to change your bandages." Kate removed her hand from his and left, closing the door behind her. She rested her back and head against it and let out the breath she had been holding.

The feeling of his hand enveloping hers, his thumb against her skin and hers against his was not as she remembers, not exactly.

It was different and new.

Author's Note: I keep apologizing for the long delay in these AN but, I am truly sorry. I am not going to give up on that story, don't worry. What a dark story but it'll get better soon-ish.

Thank you for all the favs/follow/reviews since the last update. It brings a smile to my face every time I get an email notification. Please review some more, I like smiling at my phone like an idiot.

Until next time then I guess!

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