CHAPTER 7: THE WORDS AND PROMISES WE COULDN'T KEEP

Her name was barely audible through the wall. She first thought the lack of sleep was making her hear voices, just like a few hours ago. She got up from the couch she had tried to sleep in and made her way to the bedroom. She found him sleeping on his bed, completely covered by the blanket she had put on him a couple of hours ago. His fingers moving on the mattress as he was saying her name in his sleep. Kate went back to the couch and closed her eyes.

She woke up early not to go to the precinct and dive in the first random file she would desperately look for clues in, but to catch her kids before they head off to school. Since Alexis had for habit to drive them to school on Fridays she also hoped that the young woman would come by early so she could have a chat with her, or better yet, so she could talk to her father.

Deep in her thoughts, she didn't hear the once heavy but now light footsteps approaching the table. She almost dropped the frying pan she was using when Castle addressed her a shy hello. She answered back quietly, his voice reasoning in her ears as an old echo would.

"Pancakes are for you too." She casually stated, pointing towards the two piles of pancakes she had already made. He started eating and she kept cooking the last batch.

"Thank you." he said after a few minutes.

She had turned around to bring the last plate on the table but his words had fixed her feet flat on the floor. It sounded so casual that it threw her off. Heat ran through her body, her brain bringing back the memories of the countless, and yet so few, breakfasts they had shared together on this very table, in their bed or even in his office when he would stay up all night to write.

Everything about him had changed since then, except for his voice, still grounded, warm, humorous and familiar. There was a time, not so long ago she thought she was forgetting it. She would watch old videos they had recorded and it would come back, until she thought she had forgotten again. Hearing him talk now made her realize that she had never forgot it. Better yet, or worse maybe, she always had it in the back of her head. It only missed its life, its intensity. The tiny detail that would make her turn around knowing it is him. The tiny detail proving he was alive.

Kate looked at the clock on the wall before calling out for the kids to come downstairs to eat. They had taken the bad habit to play in their room in the mornings and eat breakfast in the car. She waited a few seconds but none of them came down.

"Kids get down before your dad eats all the pancakes I've made!"

She heard the sound of their footsteps walking fast toward the stairs. "Slow down." Kate said when she saw one foot on the highest step. The twins barely did, one screaming enthusiastically "Pancakes" and the other "Dad". They both headed straight for their mother, hugged her and then walked towards their dad and gave him a small kiss on the cheek.

"Why are you eating with us this morning? You're not here usually." Alex asked as he sat down.

"Who are you asking? Me or your father?" Kate answered handing each of her kids a plate. Alex thought, frowning more than necessary before putting on a slight pouty face

"Both I think." He finally answered. She never wanted to make them think she didn't care about them or didn't want to spend time with them. Kate stopped her trail of thoughts, she was done reminiscing her errors and so she apologized for not being here for the past few weeks and promised it will change starting today.

"Why do you think we're eating with you?" she asked her son. He looked at her with round eyes and didn't answer. "Because I-

- wanted to." Castle finished with her. Both turned towards the other in surprise while the kids let out a short gasp. The twins looked at each other and shared a knowing look.

"Pancake power." they murmured, their mouth still forming a small 'o'.

"What?" both Kate and Rick said turning to their kids. The pair once again let out a gasp but this time much more exaggerated. They answered with a brief "nothing" before the bell rang.

"Remember you said next time." Alex said helding up his arms towards his mother.

"I remember." Kate took her son in her arms and walked towards the door. She let him look through the peephole.

"It's the other Alex mom! Put me down please." he screamed enthusiastically. Kate opened the door for him.

"Hi Alexis, follow me!" he took his big sister's hand and brought her to the table where Lona had just finished her pancakes. "Look!" he told his big sister, pointing towards his father standing up, one of his hand leaning on his chair.

"Hi Dad." Alexis said letting out a small sight, "You're here, eating with everyone? That's… great" she mused out loud when she saw her father eating at the breakfast table for the first time in weeks.

"I followed you home." he whispered with his eyes wet. Kate could see he was struggling to keep his tears inside, "You took the bus so I just took the bus too."

They both broke down in tears when Alexis fell in her father's arms. Kate watched from a distance as Alexis tried to talk to her father but only mumbles came out of her mouth. Castle stroke her hair slowly and nodded to her words. Alex who had been watching the scene next to his mother joined them for a group hug whereas Lona walked to her mother.

"Mom, surely we can't go to school and interrupt such a beautiful family reunion." Kate rolled her eyes, she was expecting this to come out of Alex's mouth not Lona's. Kate phone rang to signal her that someone had texted her. She took the phone out of her pocket.

"Well honey, you are going to school and even better, my classes got cancelled so I'll drive you."

Lona frowned and joined the group hug, which was becoming more of a tickling hug thanks to Alex. When Alexis looked towards her Kate smiled at her and for a moment it seemed like everything will be okay again.

Alexis let a kiss on her father's cheek and broke the embrace. She then took Kate's hand and brought her in the office to talk.

"I'm sorry I was harsh on you last night I was frustr-"

"Don't be sorry Alexis," she interrupted, "I needed this talk so I should be thanking you."

"I have a job interview later so I was thinking I could drive the twins to school this morning and Daniel will bring them later."

"Well actually my classes got cancelled today, construction hazard in the building, so why don't I drive them and you spend a little more time with your father before you head off to this job interview?"

"That's really nice Kate, thank you for everything." Alexis answered, "I mean it, he is back thanks to you."

"Well he did say he followed you home so thank you too."

"Did he-" Alexis hesitated, her mouth opening and closing several times without saying anything, "Did he say anything about what happened to him?"

"No, he didn't." Kate smiled to the young woman whose happiness in her eyes had just been replaced with worry.

"Not yet anyway. He only started talking last night and it's your father we're talking about. He'll be back on his feet making jokes soon enough." Kate finished, taking her step daughter's hand in hers "He'll be fine."

Alexis put her arms around her and squeezed. Kate froze, surprised by the hug but then returned the gesture.

"What is this job interview about anyway?" Kate asked as they broke the hug and walked towards the living room.

"That's a surprise."

Kate and the kids left the apartment to go the car parked across the street. While the kids were in an intense debate about which activities they could do with their father Kate was thoughtful. She wondered what will come next now that the mutism was gone. Did it meant that his memories are back as well? Did he remember his life before the accident? She walked on autopilot and let the kids into the car when a hand rested on her shoulder.

"Are you okay?" a man's voiced asked. She jumped and turned around to see who was addressing her.

"Daniel?! You scared me. What are you doing here?"

"I came with Alexis but I stayed here to make some calls. What are you doing here? I thought Alexis was going to drive the twins to school."

"I proposed to drive them and let Alexis spend some time with her father. He started talking again."

"That's great news!" the young man exclaimed, "Why don't you stay with them and I drive the twins to school then? It's on my way to work."

"Thank you but I need to do some grocery shopping afterwards anyway."

"As you wish. Last thing, take a look at these guys behind that green car over there." He murmured with a slight head gesture, making the effort to be discreet useless. Kate turned around and saw two men looking at their cameras with frowny eyes.

"Stay with the kids a second, I'll be back" Kate said. Not waiting for Dan's answer she walked toward the two photographs. Their eyes still focused on their camera they didn't see her approach.

"Everybody else was smart enough to let this go a month ago except for you two."

The two men looked up with their eyes wild open and hid the camera behind their backs.

"Listen fellas, you delete the pics you took right now or you'll regret it." Kate said. One of the men didn't wait a second and did as he was told. The other one shrugged his shoulders.

"What are you gonna do?" he replied in a superior voice.

"Me? I'll call my friends and complain about the man who made my morning go from great to shit. You know, the last time person who did that to me got a lot parking ticket all of the sudden."

"Is that a threat? You can't do that."

Kate let out a slight chuckle and pointed to the car's hood with the key she had in her hand since she walked out of the building. She pressed it hard against the car's metal hoping it would make a dent.

"Given the gear in the back of this car I'm guessing it's yours, or your smart friend's over here." The man thought he was being impassive but Kate's observation skills were still sharp and she could see his jaw clenching, she continued "Yeah it's your car. So here how it: unless this car is a pedestrian this isn't exactly a parking spot. So I'm gonna call my friends and tell them where they can find your car. This is not just a threat, I'm going to do it unless you delete the photographs."

"You can't! I'll call the police!" the man blurted out.

"I can give you the number of a dozen of agents if you want. Thought maybe not. It's a bad idea, it's their personal number you see and they don't like it when I talk about work."

The man let out a frustrated sight and started tapping on his camera.

"Great!" Kate said, removing her car key from the car too fast letting a small dent on the hood. "Oops." She murmured, putting both her hands on her mouth just like her kids would do when they were exaggerating.

"Oh come on! I've deleted everything! Leave me in peace!" the man screamed.

"Oh I'm leaving, but if I see any picture of my family anywhere I'll be back" she said as she turned around and walked towards her car to drive her kids to school.

The drive to the grocery store had been longer than planned. When she got back, and happily saw no paparazzi waiting, she expected to find Castle alone in the apartment. Instead she found him watching something on the television and Dan, who apparently didn't go to his restaurant to work. He left in a hurry once he saw Kate enter, letting her know that Alexis had asked him to stay until she arrived and that he was running late for work.

Castle didn't turn around and as she let the grocery bags in the kitchen she saw that he was watching the recording of the last twins' birthday. She sat down on the couch, letting some space between them and watched in silence.

"January 6th." He said to himself quietly, not taking his eyes off the television.

"Sorry?" she asked. His voice has been so low it seemed he was more talking to himself than her.

"January 6th 2016. It's their birthday right?"

Kate let out a confused "yes". It never occurred to her that he didn't know their birthday. Of course she had introduce them but she was realizing that he had now almost 5 years of his kids' life to catch up on, and that the first thing he did once he was able to communicate was trying to fill that void.

"If you want to know anything you can ask me." She informed him. He nodded slightly and kept watching the television. Since he was staying silent she decided to empty to grocery bags in the kitchen. She then recovered a photo album in his office to show him pictures of the twins she had taken since their birth. They started at the end of the book with a couple of pictures taken in the kids' bedroom on a random afternoon. One of the photo showed the bedroom transformed as a huge blanket fort with the two little kids inside smiling at the camera. The second was a closer shot of them in the fort, still smiling. They went through the book slowly and at each photo Kate tried her best to remember the events of that day. The last photograph they looked at was taken the first time Kate hold both of the twins in her arms.

"When I woke up that morning, there was blood on the bed. I just screamed your mother's name as loud as I could. I could feel my vocal cords burning against each other." Kate composed herself for a second, breathing slowly as the memory just threw her back to that day. Castle laid a hand on her knee and she froze instantly. She stared at the hand just resting there and wondered whether or not he had even noticed what he had just done. She was almost tempted to reach for it with her own, seeking the comfort it could bring. When she looked up too him he was staring at his hand too, his mouth and his eyes slightly open. They stayed silent for a moment, each not daring to move or speak. When he looked up to her and their eyes met his hand left her knee abruptly, as if it had been in direct contact with fire or electricity.

"What happened?" he asked, his voice low and his blue eyes staring deep inside hers. It was odd looking back at him, very much alive in front of her. Seeing her own reflection through his eyes. She knew he wanted her to continue to talk but she found herself needing a minute to just look into his eyes. It wasn't to look for what he might be thinking right off this moment or to know how he felt about her. Nor it was about the guilt she thought she saw weeks back was there or the love she hoped was still there. She just wanted to look at him, the way his pupils moved when the window's curtain hid and then let in the light in the room. Her focused moved from his eyes to his face. It was thinner than the last time she saw him on their wedding day. His wrinkles also started to show and the new scar on the left side of his upper lip cut his mouth in two. His slight scruff revealing a few grey hair at the sunlight. All his physical attributes, apart his eyes she thought, had radically changed.

She felt her heart pound harder in her chest. She wanted to describe him every little moment of that day, every fact there was to say, and every detail as insignificant as it could be. But the facts were going over her head and she was overwhelmed by emotions. Suddenly she felt five year of held back tears and laughter rush through her. Every little feeling she forbid herself to acknowledge out of fear or guilt. She bit her lip as she felt a tear starting to fall at the corner of her eyes.

"The doctor had told me that the pregnancy was risky for the three of us, especially me. She said there was a possibility I wouldn't make it… as she put it, and when I saw the blood I thought it was it. The only thing I was focused on since that day was to stay alive until the babies were safe. I didn't- I didn't care whether I'd die or not though. The hope the pregnancy had first brought just turned into sorrow every day. I had this depression and if your mother and Alexis hadn't been there during the pregnancy… When January 6th arrived I was hopeless, tired both emotionally and physically. During the whole ride to the hospital I kept telling your mom to take care of them because I believed I wouldn't. I even thought it would be better because if the depression hit me so hard then what could it be once the twins would be here."

"I'm so sorry." He whispered, his tears falling one by one as Kate's were. She breathed in and out for a minute before continuing.

"We worked on a case once. A psychic had been murdered and her daughter told me something. She had said that in some future date I will meet someone name Alexander and he will save my life. For a long time I thought she was talking about you. But then Alex was born and he cried. He was crying so hard, harder than I ever remember crying. When they put him in my arms I'm not sure why but I didn't want to give up anymore. I wanted to make it, I wanted to see him and his sister grow, I even wanted to keep up the searches for you. I think he gave me that hope back. He saved me by reminding me that I wasn't alone in this, by reminding me that we are all in pain ever since we're born but that it gets better because we're here for each other. Thanks to Martha, Alexis and the doctor's help since the beginning of the pregnancy I started to make it out and feel better. And somehow the kids didn't suffer as much as I thought they would because of me. "

"I am so sorry." He said after she had stopped talking.

"None of this is your fault."

"Not that. Not just that." He reached for her hands and backed away just before he touched her. He shook his hand the way someone would before holding something they know is about to hurt them. She thought she would be reassured when he'll touch her deliberately for the first time on his own but she felt panic at the contact of his skin.

"I've read the book you wrote about us. I know you loved me because I've read it. I know we lived together and almost died together because I've read your book. I know I loved you because I've read your book. Since I've been back every time I look at you I have this ache in my chest and I can't figure out if it's there because something is right or wrong. I-"

"I don't understand, what could be wrong if you remember us."

"That's the thing. I know because of the book, the photographs and the videos. But I don't remember. . My heart, my muscle they have these memories, these reflexes but I can't remember my side of your book in my head. I can't remember and yet I know because I feel it."

He brought her hand to his chest and rested it on the same place she had her scar.

"I'm so sorry because I don't remember falling in love with you but I know I did. I don't remember our lives together but I know we lived it. I'm sorry I don't remember being in love with you even though my heart tells me that I should be."

His tears fell on her hand one after the other. He was still holding it over his chest and his fingers were doing the same mimic it did in his sleep.

"I'm so sorry."

AN: I did want to write a happy chapter but somehow it didn't happen.