RDS I-III
First I want to say thanks to all of those sending me reviews, it is greatly appreciated.
I'm sorry that this addition to the story took so long. I was tossing around a lot of ideas in the wake of my writer's block (over a dozen pages of work along with, and I shit you not, 3 spin-offs were scrapped before I got this finished, and even now I'm still not happy with it).
I won't bother with my usual barrage of stupid questions, instead I'd like to have your options and thoughts flow naturally, because I will in no way claim I even have the foggiest idea about…
The definition of love...
An elusive and impossible to solve equation, because it was at its core: unsolvable. And yet despite this constant, humans and awoken alike claim to be able to feel, sense, and express this equation as if were rudimentary.
Perhaps that was why he had no trouble saying it. Why he found it so easy to commit to an emotion he thinks he has a perfect understanding of. Maybe he did, perhaps it was just an instinctual facet of organic life.
But even if this sentiment was just speculation, its sister component: lust was fact. She knew how badly he wanted her but was unable to act because of any number of reasons. Yet at the same time she was aware that it wasn't just mindless self-satisfaction. During the occasional hug and even rarer kiss they shared she could sense the overwhelming care and adoration he would give to no one but her.
That's why he now lay behind her, clung tightly to her metallic form as he slept. This exo was always more a person of action than words, especially for the one that escaped her. But she knew she had to repay his overflowing kindness while something...substantial to say the least. She had to prove that she too could give him feeling he conveyed every day.
Although being the man that he was, his conservative reply was expected, but she knew it was a front. A small kiss on the cheek and a simple, gentle word was all that was needed to compel him to lay with her.
"Please."
As nerve racking as the initial contact was, the woman soon found her crimson panels soothed by the softness of his touch. It was wasn't long before his rhythmic caresses stopped and unconsciousness over took him, the exo, not wishing to be left alone soon followed, commanding her systems to sleep.
The morning was first to greet Raj as his eyes cracked open, trying in vain to filter out the light that shined from the small bay window. His body struggled to shake off the grogginess of sleep but his mind began to pester him, trying to feed him a list of reasons why he should stay put.
But as soon as his vision cleared he remembered why. The look of her slumbering form absolutely took his breath away, her smooth alloy skin assembled into a flawless figure of beauty.
He silently thanked whatever gods were up there that exos did move and shuffle in their sleep since she had managed to roll over, now facing him where she lay.
He also had to make a mental note to complete a blood sacrifice to those gods as well, to properly compensate them for failing to give her a sense of self-consciousness about being nude. He shamelessly lifted the cover off of them, letting his gaze travel down the length of her body. Always impressed and amazed about how such perfect, sensual, curves could adorn such a woman.
His hand trembled as it crawled towards her, tracing the line of her profile where it tapered down to her hips. It hovered there, battling between need and want, battling between-
"Why?" her voice slapped him awake as he recoiled, nearly falling off the bed.
"Nilanna, I...uh...how did you sleep?" his smile as forced as his question.
She sat up, seeming to have ignored his attempt at deflecting her.
"You said you found me physically attractive, and yet you wouldn't touch me. Why?" she asked, looking him right in the eye.
"Because you were asleep!" he exclaimed as if it was obvious. "I would never try to take advantage of you."
"And I thank you for that Raj." she said as she looked away from him, as if studying something he could not see.
"Then what's wrong?" he asked, scooting closer so he could take her hand.
"Do your really want to know?" she challenged.
"Absolutely."
"You annoy me Raj."
That had taken the man off guard, not once had he expected such a cutting comment.
"Almost every day I'm with you and I honesty enjoy it, every time you give me a hug or try to steal a kiss, I do genuinely look forward to it."
"Then what annoys you?" Raj hesitated to ask.
"When you say you love me."
"But I do." he tried to reassure her, giving her hand a gentle rub.
"Yes, I'm aware, yet you won't tell me why or even how."
"Well, if I were to list the reasons, we'd be here for a very long time." he smiled.
"So you say." she replied sounding just a bit skeptical.
"Would you prefer if I stopped?" he asked honestly.
"No!" the exo answered, perhaps a bit too quickly. "Its fine, it's just..."
She glanced up the young guardian, finding his calm, ever present expression full of patience and empathy.
"You say it so easily, despite the fact that I haven't returned the sentiment."
"And I'm perfectly okay with that."
"Of course you are." Nila replied sarcastically.
"Its because I love you."
That rendered the Huntress speechless for a short moment, when she tried to comment she ended up stopping herself. She looked away brief instant, contemplating his words. She had to remember who she was dealing with, this man before her. He presented a level of affection that bordered on unconditional and thus made very few attempts to quantify the why or how of this condition.
Yet he also appeared to be an incomprehensible combination of beliefs and post-modern ideals. Raj was opened minded enough to claim his undying love for a machine but conservative enough to avoid drug use, rampant cursing, the casual sex common among guardians, and even prolonged flirting with own girlfriend.
It was an odd amalgam of factors that made Raj, well Raj.
Granted, the overarching problem wasn't Raj himself, it was the fact that his traits, quirks, and personality as a whole weren't rationally quantifiable to a person that thrived on reason and mechanical precision.
Combined with a lack of hormones and very few perspectives on humanoid attractiveness the paradox began to present itself. She was a machine that was having to learn the parts of the human mind she never knew existed let alone be able to implement.
"Maybe, I should just be frank with you." Nila started.
"When aren't you?" Raj replied, half way between serious and joking.
She shot him a brief scowl before continuing. "It's my understanding that sentient beings, specifically organic ones like yourself consider being physically intimate a decisive and often ultimate event between those romantically involved."
"Is that what this is about?" he asked.
"Obviously it is Raj, while your species seems to have diminished its conceptual value; there are still those, like you, who hold the act of sex as a definitive event to be shared by two who are in love. Am I wrong in assuming that?" she asked, already sure of his answer.
"No, you're not." he sighed.
"Raj I...I want to say that I love you, but I don't know how to prove it you or myself."
"You don't have to." he exclaimed. "You never did, just being wit-"
"We both know you're lying, Raj." she interrupted, quite effectively shutting him up.
"As with almost all males of your race, you crave physical satisfaction, yet you still made the mistake of pursuing me."
"No! Loving you will never be a mistake." Raj shot back sternly.
"So because of your principles, you effectively took a vow of celibacy yet continue to lust after a body you knew you could do next to nothing with?" Nilanna growled a bit.
"Why is that bad? That I don't wish to sleep with anyone out of respect for us?" he argued. "How could I betray you like that?"
"How can I consider it a betrayal when there's nothing I could offer you in the first place!?" Nilanna cried as she clenched her fists, staring right into the eyes of the other guardian.
"Why do assume there's nothing you can offer me?" Raj replied softly, almost a whisper.
"Have I not said just being with you is enough for me." he continued.
"But it isn't it Raj, you know it, and I know it." she replied much more sober now.
"If you're unsatisfied then I should be as well, because..." she stopped, suddenly realizing the very phrase she was about to say.
She looked up to find a tell-tale smirk on the young human's face.
"The definition can't be that simple." she said hesitantly.
"Why not?" he countered, "Love means different things to different people."
"But I can't be with you Raj," came a gloomy reply. "Have I not already betrayed this love in some way?"
"How? It seems you are with me already." Raj whispered as he leaned toward the gynoid.
Nilanna made no contrary movement as he placed a somewhat chaste kiss upon her metallic lips. He scooted closer as he began to nuzzle her neck, placing a hand on her thigh he went back for a less conservative touch.
As he coaxed her to change positions, she mused slightly at his preference for having her on top despite the large weight difference. Given that he typically had the sexual ferocity of a kitten, Nilanna, against her better judgment, let him continue with his new found aggression.
Even with her recent revelation, the exo's cynical side was curious to know how the young human would deal with truth behind her reactions. Although at the same time she knew she couldn't keep him from figuring it out, she could only keep the lack of sync hidden for so long.
As Raj began to work his way past the somewhat exposed caller bone of the exo, she gently pushed him back, deciding honestly was the best policy now instead of later.
"Nilanna?" he whimpered slightly.
"I'm sorry Raj, but the other reason I was so...apprehensive about this was that I..." she broke eye contact, somewhat ashamed to continue.
He gave the Hunter a sideways glance before starting to slowly rub her back, trying to convince her to finish.
"Even now I...even if I could be intimate with you Raj, I couldn't share it."
He gave her a questioning look.
"I can't feel anything Raj!" she cried, extremely dishearten. "I want to enjoy this like you do, but I can't."
"I thought exo's could-" Raj said only to stop himself
"We can feel, we can process four main senses but that's it Raj." she sighed.
"I feel your kisses Raj, when you hold me...but I can derive no pleasure from it." she continued, her voice trembling.
"Even if we can't make love Raj, I just want to be to feel what you do." she finished as his arms wrapped around her, cradling the exo in a tender embrace.
"I'm sorry Nila, I didn't realize..." he spoke.
"I'm a war machine, we were built to protect humanity not comfort it." she replied, returning the hug.
"It seems almost cruel doesn't it." she added, "We can think and act as you do, yet we'll never be able to feel as humans can."
"Then that's what we need to do." Raj said as he gave her another peck on the lips.
"Do what?" Nila asked, honestly confused.
"Give you some sensation." he smiled, beginning to rub her back again.
"It's not possible Raj." she glared back at him.
"I don't believe you."
"It's not a question of belief, it's just not physically possible."
"I don't care, this is important to you, so we're going to find some way to fix this."
"I wish I had your blind optimism sometimes." she sighed.
"Well that won't do." he smirked, "one of us has to be the reasonable one."
She replied with a critical glare.
"Also, I've been wondering about this for a while, but does your mouth need to light up every time you speak?" he asked.
"No." she answered, proving her point by keeping the illumination absent.
"Do you even need to move your mouth?"
"No. I don't." she replied again, this time keep her lips shut tight.
"Okay, maybe we first need to figure out what exactly on you is cosmetic and what isn't." he chuckled.
"Yeah maybe we should do that for you too." she scowled. "Humans don't need hair do they?"
"Good point, but back to the matter at hand. We need to figure out something for you."
"It's not as simple as you're making it sound Raj."
"Why not? You told me once that exos can delete bits of their own code if need be. Why can't you add something back?"
"Because this isn't something simple like learning a new word, this is the firmware and everything else needed to reproduce a complex system of bodily, organic functions." she fumed.
"I know I know, it's just...there's no one you could go to for this?"
The question seemed to strike somewhere close, as Nilanna eyes flashed with the colors of uncertainty for a moment, before she looked down, away from the almost painful and ever present concern in his expression.
"I...you know a relationship like ours doesn't occur often...right?" she spoke, still not looking at the human.
"I suppose...I mean I've heard of it before, but just as-"
"Rumors." she finished.
"We appreciate humanity's respect for us as equals but the idea of an exo wanting to...humanize themselves is seen as a bit odd." she explained.
"I suppose I can understand that." Raj nodded.
"Especially for guardians who's occupation takes full advantage of our original propose." she added.
"Has someone talked to you about this?" Raj asked apprehensively.
"I may have mentioned it to Cayde..." she answered, giving the Warlock a hopeful glance.
"Huh…well that does make sense. I always felt he and Ikora had something going on behind the scenes."
"What!?" the exo exclaimed, "Where did you hear that?"
"Not really heard, just a feeling. You haven't gotten that impression from them?"
"No...well..." Nila paused.
"Yep, you see it now as well." Raj smirked, leaning in to give her another kiss on the cheek.
"Raj." she sighed as he pressed the subject, going for his favored spot on her neck. His Solar shielding cringed as he pulled more of her weight to his lower torso.
Her hand slowly made its way up to his bare chest as the other was placed against the wall supporting him. She paused for a moment when one of his caresses turned into a rather suggestive lick. She dipped down to return his nuzzle as her palm began to rub his form. Although she was more than certain he was enjoying this, they were in the middle of a rather important conversation.
"Raj...Raj...RAJ what did we just talk about?" she spoke as she brought up her hand, cupping his face while bringing it to look at her.
"God you're beautiful."
"So you tell me." she said as her metallic face did it's rendition of a smirk. "And I appreciate it but can you repeat what we just finished discussing?"
"You feel as though you are unable to complete an important component of this relationship because you lack erogenous zones. Yet at the same time you have anxiety over the prospect of drastically changing yourself."
"Uh..." she started, feeling a little off put about even slightly questioning his intelligence. She had to admit, he was rather clever.
"While I personally think you don't have to do this, if you really feel you do, you have my utmost support."
"I know Raj, thank you." she said as she leaned in. Pressing her mouth against his, saddened by her limited articulation, it was the closest she'd ever get to kissing her young human.
Even as she could feel his pressure contacting the bare metal in between her thighs, she stopped him before he could grow anymore aggressive. They'd done a lot that morning, much more than she would have expected when they lay together for the night. And there was no doubt they were both happy, it was closest they'd been since the one armed fiasco several weeks ago.
Not that either was counting the days, of course.
"Sorry Nilanna, you know I never want to interrupt you two, but Commander Zavala is requesting Wrecker for a mission." Rave broadcasted to the exo.
"He's requiring her to deploy with at least two other members of her fire team..." she continued.
"Are Bristol, Mace, and Raiden back from Mars?" Nilanna asked.
"They won't for a couple more days." her ghost replied.
"That's to be expected I suppose." she said, patting him on the chest. "Raj, duty calls, we need to move."
"You mean right now?" he whimpered.
"Yes." the exo sternly replied, sliding off of his lap.
The pair made short work of gathering and donning their gear. Leaving Nilanna's dorm, they made good time on the freight elevator, quickly meeting the crisp morning air. They traversed the Tower commons briskly finding their team mate and a few other soldiers of light within the Hall of Guardians.
Although the blur of the early morning rush was evident amongst the patrons, the efforts of shaking off last night's sleep was still clearly present in a few.
"Mornin' guardians." Cayde greeted the duo as they descended the stairs. He turned towards them, eager to ignore the paperwork before him.
"I bet you two had fun last night." he said as they approached, giving Raj a playful elbow.
Unfortunately both sides of the human-exo equation locked up immediately. Raj tried to feint ignorance, while Nilanna was a little less subtle.
"Impossible. How could you have known?" the crimson Hunter demanded.
"Well..." Cayde said as he leaned back against the table, "You kinda just told me."
Her hand hit her face with a soft 'clink' as Nila looked down in frustration. The Warlock gave her sympathetic pat on the shoulder.
"Hey if I need to keep it a secret, consider it safe with me." Cayde reassured them.
"Then don't speak so loud." Ikora said as she approached, placing her work on her section of the table.
"How much of that did you hear?" the exo asked the Warlock Vanguard.
"Hear? With the way he clings to you, it's a wonder if the entire Tower hasn't figured it out yet." Ikora said without looking up from a tablet she was holding.
"So what's up Nilanna? I've never known you to guard your image." Cayde pried.
The exo glanced toward Raj, silently signaling him to go meet with Zavala who currently stood near the bay window, still discussing something with Wrecker. He quickly complied, knowing the Commander would probably be a little cross if they had arrived but never attempted to tell him.
"I'm not trying to guard anything, I'm just...a little concerned is all." she explained.
"And why is that?" Ikora asked as she watched Raj approach the Titan Vanguard. "Because I know it can't be about his looks." she said as she gave Nilanna an approving nod.
"Ah, Ikora, how could you? I thought we had something." the exo chuckled as he grabbed his chested in mock heart ache.
"Wait, are you two really...?" Nila spoke with a skeptical glance.
"Not even if the oaf's life depended on it." the Warlock Vanguard answered with a slight edge in her voice.
Something incomprehensible, uncertain even, flashed across Cayde-6's optics, which was all the information Nilanna needed to know she had just over stayed her welcome.
"I'm going to go ahead and speak with Commander Zavala, enjoy the rest of your morning." the Huntress announced before bowing to excuse herself.
Rey admittedly found it hard to focus on the text before her, knowing a cord had just been struck. She looked up at the seasoned Hunter to find him looking back at her. Their glazes stood still for a hot second before exo looked back down, pretending to go through his paperwork.
"Cayde..." she began but stopped short.
"I know, I know Ikora you've told me a dozen times already..." Cayde said with sigh.
"And I'm sorry, I...I'm just not ready for anything like that, not yet." she replied.
"Then you know I'll be waiting for when you are...probably." Cayde said as he looked back at Warlock, trying in vain to seem aloof.
"I know you will." she said with the tiniest smile as she went back to her work.
Nilanna did leave some processing power for Zavala's briefing but couldn't help but hang back in order to listen the exchange between the other two Vanguards. Fillings in variables to the equation that was at its core: unsolvable.
An equation she was beginning to realize wasn't a cosmic anomaly, but a question with a countless number of answers, made even more confusing due to the fact that each one was correct.
It was a non-definitive concept, therefore undefinable.
Like the people residing within Earth's last city, each solution was different. All with their own unique constraints, an expression of emotion shared between two beings...or more?
Perhaps Raj's affection wasn't as simplistic as she thought it was. Sure he pretty much spelled it out when he first confronted her, but something always felt left out. It wasn't so much a 'why' but more of a 'in what way'? No, that's not it. She was able to understand what the young human was feeling, it didn't necessarily mean she could empathize with what he was feeling. At least not yet.
That was perhaps the core of her problem.
Although it was an issue that was beginning to solve itself with time. To feel what the man who loved her felt. To want him, as much as he wanted her. To have slight brush of his lips against her metal cheek mean as much to her as it does to him.
"...I expect you rearmed and in orbit within the hour guardians." the awoken Titan said with finality, wrenching the exo out of her thoughts.
"No problem boss man" their Titan chuckled, but still giving her commanding officer a proper salute.
"Good, you are dismissed fire team Arsenal." Zavala nodded before returned to his place at the Vanguard table.
"Goddamnit, I thought that would never end." Wrecker said once they were past Shaxx's station.
"Well at least this mission doesn't sound too strenuous." Raj replied.
"Meh, hopefully we'll get to shoot something." she added, dragging an anxious hand through her blonde locks.
"No doubt we will, hopefully we'll-" Raj started before he felt something brush against his arm.
He turned to glance at the Huntress as she grasped her hand in his, intertwining their fingers. Her unreadable expression softened as he gave her a reassuring squeeze. It was that instance she saved within her memory, because she knew it was important. Because part of her, somewhere in that now convoluted, or perhaps more infuriating code she called a mind, she knew she felt something for him.
It was there, she knew it was there. The more she felt it, the more concrete it became. Was it love? She wasn't so sure yet. But it was good...no it felt good. Right? Well she felt something, so what else could it be?
"Raj...tell me if this feels uncomfortable." she whispered as she leaned over, pressing her plate like lips against his cheek.
Had Nilanna not been tugging him along he probably would froze from shock. He rubbed the spot on his cheek as he looked at her, the whole event bordering on surreal. Nila? Being intimate in public? Would there be no end to the days' good fortune?
"Nothing you do could ever be uncomfortable." the Warlock replied, trying to hide his elation.
"Good." she smirked, "You never know, I might to try to mix it up a bit later."
And with that Raj found himself thanking unknown gods for the umpteenth time that day.
Edit v1.1: Hopefully my 5th grade level writing is slightly more bearable.