Wow, three chapters in one week. See, I couldn't keep the pain and heartache going forever. Thank you to my amazing beta's, who, without them, you would all still be ready to hurt me. We will get even more answers in the next chapter. Enjoy…
Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.
~MDE~
Chapter 22
October, 2011
I guess you could say life is getting a bit easier. I haven't heard from Jasper, and I worry that something has happened to him as well, and I will never know. I knew this was always a possibility but never thought it would happen. I've been getting around more, and getting out. The girls don't look as wary around me as much. They are still worried, but they understand it will take time to heal, so they don't push too hard. I went back to work last week. As hard as it was, I needed to do it. We have started going over the summer assignment, but I haven't been able to tell them anything about my dear Edward yet.
The responses have been astounding. There were a few who only did it because they had to, but almost everyone got into it. You can see it in their faces; the joy, as they share their letters. We have decided to focus on one student per week. I give the student their graded letters back at the beginning of their week, and we spend some time each day talking about the experience. We go over what we learned about the person we were writing to and how their writing style may or may not have changed. It was nice to see them pick up on the mistakes in the letters that they received.
There have been a few that have asked me about my summer writing, and I have held off a bit. I know my story is not a happy one and don't want to upset them. They do know that I was out in the beginning of the semester, but don't know why. I have decided that over thanksgiving I will begin to share my story with them. I am incredibly thankful of the time I got to share with him, and it could be a great learning experience for them.
I have also been trying to find ways to deal with my grief. It's so much harder not having a place I can go to talk to him. When I lost my mom, I went to talk to her all the time. On a rough day, my dad would find me curled up against her headstone telling her all about it. I don't have that with him, and I'm having a hard time finding ways to vent my pain, and anger. That's been my new emotion. There are some days where I am incredibly angry. Not knowing what happened, or why he was taken from me; I just don't understand. Alice suggested that I write to him and tell him everything. I thought it was stupid at first, but now, I'm beginning to wonder.
It would be a way to get all my feelings out. There is so much bottled up, and I know it's not healthy, but I'm afraid if I put them on paper, that it's really final. I know he's never coming, but this way, I can keep the hope that maybe he will. That maybe there was a mistake. I dry my eyes and decide to try again.
October 19, 2011
My dear Edward,
I don't know if this will help, but I need to get it out. I miss you. I miss your words, your crazy questions, and your sweet comments you always seemed to stick in. I miss the feeling of waiting for my mailman, or stalking my inbox. I always got an amazingly gentle swirling feeling when I knew I would get to read your words. In a way, I think this brought us closer. There was no need to try and look our best or have the right body language, no, we could just be us and write what we felt. It was more honest that way. It allowed us to get to know each other with no expectations, and I fell in love.
I wish more than anything that I could tell you that; that you would know I love you too. I wish I had the courage to tell you before. Before I got your last letter, I had been wondering if this was love, and when I read your words, it hit me like a freight train. I knew without a doubt that I loved you; that I still do.
You brought something to my life that no man will ever bring. I'm not even sure if there are words to explain it. I never set out to fall in love when I gave this assignment. I only did it myself because I was asking my students to work over the summer, and it was only fair, but I don't regret it one bit.
I miss you so much that it hurts. The pain I feel has not even begun to subside, and I'm not sure it ever will. Tell me how to make it better. Tell me how to move on, because I can't find a way. You tell me that I will find someone to love, but it won't happen. I already found him. Edward, you are my one true love, and I will never get that back. I told you once before I will not settle and anything less than you would be just that.
I love you, and I don't know how to feel better. I will never get to see you smile in person, hear your laugh again, or just touch you. There were so many things I wanted with you, and now…now, I will never know them. It's not fair. I told you to be safe; I told you to come home to me. Why? Why did this have to happen? I just don't understand. How could you love me and then let this happen? Why did you have to hurt me this way? I'm sorry; I didn't mean it. I'm just so angry, and I have no one to lash out at. I have no clue what happened to you, and I hate that.
I love you so much it hurts. I mean it physically hurts. There is heaviness in my body that won't go away. Why can't you be here to make it stop? I just want to love you. I just want to be with you, but it will never happen. I don't know how much more I can cry; there can't be much left.
I have tried everything to locate you, to find out what happened, to tell you good bye, but I can't. I even wrote Jasper, but have gotten no response. My stomach turns when I think about what may have happened. I know I shouldn't, but there are too many stories of what happens over there, and my mind wonders. Please tell me you didn't suffer. I don't think I could handle that.
I still have your gift. It came the same day as your letter, but I can't open it. It's the only thing besides your love and words that you have given me. Well, that's not true. You have given me so much, but it's the one physical thing, and I can't bear to open it. Maybe one day I can, but not yet.
I'm emotionally drained right now, so I'm going to go, but I love you. If you are up there watching, please hear me when I say I love you so much.
Forever your girl,
Bella
November 1, 2011
My dear Edward,
I miss you so much. It's getting better day by day, but there is still so much pain. The class is asking about you still. I will share our story soon. You will never know how much I wish you were here. I dreamed so much for us, and now, it will never come true. I don't know if I will ever find a love like we shared. I hope you knew how much I cared for you. I wish there was a way to tell you.
I dread looking at my email now, as I know that there will not be a letter from you. I want so much to read your words, to know about your day. I really did love you. I still do. I still don't understand why this had to happen. Why did you have to get taken away from me? It's really not fair.
I still have not been able to open your gift. The girls have told me to open it, that maybe it will help, but I just can't. You gave me whatever is in that box, and by keeping it there, well it's like there is still something I can look forward to. It will always be one last gift from you.
I dream of you every night, and I often wonder if it is your way of contacting me. That it's your way of watching over me, and letting me know you still care, and are always with me.
Bella
November 2011
"Okay class, settle down," I say as I prepare to start class. It's the week of Thanksgiving, and this is the week that I share my story with the kids. It still hurts like hell, but it's needed. I have spent many nights wondering just how much to tell them. I'm still not sure if I should tell them that we fell in love, or that we were dating. This is so much harder than I thought it would be.
"So today you get to learn about Corporal Edward Cullen." I watch their faces as I proceed to tell them about my Edward. I answer a few questions along the way and find it easier to talk about than expected. That is until the end of my story.
"Umm, Miss Swan?" I hear Angela say as she raises her hand.
"Yes," is my reply.
"Can I ask you a personal question?" She is hesitant in her words, and I wonder why.
"As long as it is class appropriate, you may, but know that I may not be able to answer it."
"Do you love him?" I gasp at her question. Why would she ask such a thing? "I'm sorry if it is out of line, but there is something in your face when you talk about him. I have never seen you light up like this."
For an eight-grader, she is great at reading people. "Yes, I do. We fell in love over the course of the summer." I decide it's best to be honest.
"So you are still writing him then?"
"When was your last letter?"
"What was it like meeting him for the first time?"
"Can we meet him?"
I had not read all of the letters to the class, but I had shared parts of them with the students. They knew that he was supposed to be here for my birthday.
"Is that why you were out over the first month of school?"
All of these questions seemed to come out at once.
"That's where this story changes. I do still write him, but he will never see them. You see, he never made it for my birthday. A few days before he was set to arrive, I got his last letter. There was some kind of accident, and he didn't make it. That is why I was out."
We talked a bit more about Edward and loss in general. I watched as the girls dried the tears from their eyes, and the boys, although did not cry, turned quite somber. We talked about why it's nice to have written words. That it allows you to take them with you, and never forget what is said. A few of the students asked if I would ever share his last letter, but I don't know if I'm ready for that just yet. The rest of the day goes by relatively quick, and as hard as it was talking about him, I feel better.
November 20, 2011
My dear Edward,
I told my class about you today. We have been sharing letters and information as well as talking about different writing skills. It was time that I shared my experience with them.
There were many questions and tears, but it felt good talking about you. I miss you so much, and some days, it's hard to accept what happened. They want me to share your last letter, but I don't think I can. There is too much emotion there. Please know that I love you, and miss you.
Bella
~MDE~
Thanksgiving was hard; I have so much to be thankful for, but there is still so much pain. I still write to Edward; Alice was right, it does help. I can tell him about my day, and how much I love him. I'm able to go out more. I'm still in no way ready to move on, but I'm healing. I'm accepting that I will never hear from Jasper or get the answers I so badly want.
December 10, 2011
My dear Edward,
Christmas; that is the day I will open your gift. I look at the box, and part of me wants to rip it open, and part of me wants to savor it. It's time. I'm healing slowly, and I know you wanted me to have whatever is in that package, so I will open it. I can't believe it has been three months. It still feels like yesterday. The pain is lessening, although, I don't think it will really ever go away. I love you Edward, and I only wish you knew that. I know that everything happens for a reason, but I just don't understand. I know I never will, but I just wish we had more time together. Part of me is scared that I will never feel this way again, and part of me is scared that I will. You are it for me.
Yours forever,
Bella
I put down my pen and close the journal where I have started to write all my letters to Edward. It's time to go meet Alice, so I grab my keys and coat and head out the door.
"So what are your plans for Christmas?' Alice asks over coffee.
"I'm keeping it low key this year. I will see my dad on Christmas Eve, and will spend Christmas morning alone, and before you ask, yes, I am still meeting you girls for Christmas dinner."
"Bella, you know you don't have to spend the day alone. Why don't you come over and spend the entire day with me?"
"Thanks, but I need to have some time to think. I'm finally going to open his gift."
Alice smiles, and there is a bit of comfortable silence as we sip our coffee. The girls have been asking me when I would be ready to open it, and I know this makes her happy. She reaches across the table and pats my hand.
"It's a good thing. You need to heal, and this is something he wanted you to have."
"I know, and I think I'm ready now."
We talk more before parting ways with plans for dinner the following evening.
~MDE~
Christmas morning 2011
It is a perfect Christmas morning. Well, almost perfect. There was a soft snow that fell last night, and the outside world is covered with a blanket of white. It's a beautiful sight. There is a fire in the fireplace and soft carols playing from the radio. The lights are up and twinkling and the smell of breakfast is still in the air. The only thing missing is Edward. I have no idea if he would have been able to be here with me, but that doesn't matter, as I know I will never spend a Christmas with him. I look under the tree, and there are a few gifts there. I opened most of my dad's last night, but he always sends me home with a few so that I have something under my tree. The girls and I do the same thing, but we will open most of ours later today. There is one gift that catches my eye; Edward's gift. I almost have second thoughts about opening it, but I know I can't back out. This is something he would want me to have. The question now, is do I open it first or last?
After debating, I decide to open it last. I smile at the books my dad got me and laugh at the gag gifts from the girls. We will give our serious gifts when we are together. This year, they got me some great ornaments for the tree and a bunch of silly books. There have been years where there have been sexual gifts under the tree, but they know it is too soon for those types.
Once all the gifts are open, I pick up the one box that is left. I grip it tight and hold it close to my heart. "Merry Christmas Edward, I love you." I whisper in the air as I sit back in my chair. I slowly begin to open the wrapper and tears spring to my eyes when I see the box. I know that this gift will be amazing. I recognize the box to be from Tiffany's. I begin to open the box and cry harder when I see what is inside. Inside the box is a sterling silver chain link bracelet. I smile as I look at the beautiful work that it's made up of. I begin to cry when I see the one charm that is attached to it. It is the one thing that connects us, and there could not be a more perfect charm. Nestled in one of the links is a sterling silver envelope with a small diamond where the stamp would be. There could not have been a more perfect gift.
As I cry and stare at the breathtaking gift, I hear a knock at my door. I love the girls, they know how hard today will be, so they must have come to check on me. I place the jewelry on my wrist as I walk to the door. I have no time to dry my face as the tears can't be stopped. I open the door, and when I look up the tears fall heavier. This can't be happening. My heart races, my vision is blurry from the tears, and I can't seem to speak. How can this be happening? Am I dreaming? As the world begins to go dark, I feel a set of strong arms hold me and hear the most beautiful words ever spoken.
"Isabella…"
A/N
So we now have it confirmed that he is alive. Come on, did you really think I could kill him off?