A/N Please read: Thank you for all the warm wishes for my daughter. She is doing so much better now, and I am rewarding you for all your kind thoughts. Here are the answers you are all looking for. It also seems that there are many stories being pulled due to MA content. This story is planed with some amazing lemons. I will continue to post the story here, but if you want the full lemon content find me on TWCS, or I will add a note on those chapters and If you want the lemons I'll send them to you. You can also find the full story here

archiveofourown(DOT)org/works/426357

~MDE~ Chapter 23

That voice; I know I've only heard it once before, but I dream of it every night. Why does it sound so different this time? I'm torn. I want to wake up; see if he is really there, but I want to stay in this dream where I can be with him always.

"Isabella, wake up, baby."

I try to roll over so that I can get more comfortable, but I can't seem to move. Why do these dreams always have to feel so real? It makes it that much harder when I wake to the reality of a life without him. "I don't want to," I reply to dream Edward. I feel his arms wrap around my body tighter. My dream becomes restless, and my body seems to match. "Bella, you are scaring me. Please wake up." Scared? Why would he be scared? I snuggle into the arms in my dream and breathe in his scent. I have always imagined what he would smell like, and this is it. My body instantly relaxes in the arms that hold me. There has never been a safer feeling than what I'm feeling right now.

"I don't want to wake up."

"Why, baby? Can you tell me why?"

"You won't be here," I say back as the tears begin to fall.

"Baby, I'm here. I'm not going anywhere."

I feel my body coming back around, and I cling to my dream as if it were my last breath. As I become more aware of my surroundings, the first thing I notice is that there really are arms holding me. I'm scared to open my eyes. I know I have to, but instead, I shut them tight. I feel the soft pads of fingers caress my face and that voice again. "Bella, please open your eyes, baby. Tell me what's wrong."

It can't be. I open my eyes and gasp. These soon turn into sobs as I cling to his chest. I can feel, hear, smell, and see him, but how is this true? How is he here? "No, this isn't real." I close my eyes tight once more.

"Bella, I need you to open your eyes. I need you to look at me." His voice is pained and full of emotion.

"I can't. I don't want to lose this feeling. I know it's not real. You're not here."

"Baby, I'm confused. Why wouldn't I be here?"

"Because you're dead," I say in tones no louder than a whisper.

The only sounds I hear are my rapid heartbeat and the breaths of not one, but two people. I need to take the chance. This is what I wanted all along wasn't it? I open my eyes praying that it's not just a dream, and he is here. The bright morning sun is cascading through my windows, and it's almost too bright. I take a moment to focus, and when my eyes can see my surroundings I take the chance to look up. There he is. I have no clue how, but Edward is here in my home, holding me in his arms. I burst into a full blown panic attack. I'm happy, scared, angry and so much more.

I pull myself from his arms and stand. I need to catch my breath and calm down. I look at his face again. My dreams have not done him justice. His expression is worried and confused. He walks closer to me; his arms reaching for me. I flinch seconds before he touches me. Before I know it, my fist are on his chest; not gripping and holding him close like I have dreamed of, but alternating between pulling him and hitting him. "How could you? How could you do that to me?"

His arms wrap around my shaking and trembling body. He pulls me closer, trapping my hands between our bodies. It's so tight it hurts, yet, not nearly tight enough. "Baby, I don't know what you mean? What did I do?"

"You left me," I sob into his chest.

"Love, I never left you. Please tell me what's going on."

How can he not know? Is this a game to him? My anger grows, and I force myself from his embrace, instantly wanting him to hold me again. "How can you not know? You left me. I thought you were dead. Was it a joke? Do I mean nothing to you? How you let me think that for all these months and then show up thinking everything will be fine." My voice rises higher until I am screaming at him. All the pain, frustration, anger, and every other emotion I have felt over the last three months come rushing out at once. It is almost more than I can handle.

"What do you mean you thought I was dead? I don't understand. What happened?" He runs his hands through his hair tugging it in frustration. How many nights did I wish I could do that? How many nights did I grieve him? How can he pretend he didn't hurt me?

"I thought you were dead. Was it a joke, was there someone else, or were you just playing me? Almost four months I spent mourning you. You tell me you love me then disappeared. Why couldn't you tell me this just wasn't what you wanted? Why make me think you were dead and then just show up? Why?"

My body trembles, and he tries to come closer only to find me backing away. Don't get me wrong, I'm incredibly happy that he is alive, but also so hurt and angry. He takes a deep breath before he begins to talk. "Bella, I have no idea what you are talking about, or what would make you think I was dead. I love you. God, that is not the way I wanted to tell you, and sure as hell not the way I expected this day to go. You are not a game, love. You are everything to me. Can you please tell me why you thought I was dead? There has to be some explanation."

Could it be? Could there really be an honest explanation; could this have been just one big mistake? I take a few deep breaths as I try to calm myself. "The letter," are the only words I can manage to get out.

"What letter?"

The last one you sent me. I got it the same day I got my birthday gift. You told me goodbye, that you loved me." I take the chance and look up, all color has drained from his face, and he looks as if he is about to be sick. "Baby, what else did the letter say?"

"You told me you loved me, and that you were sorry you would not be here for me." Edward's body hunches over in defeat. "I have read it so many times since that day; I can tell you what it says line for line." He walks backward until he is stopped by the door. "You told me that you will miss out on so much and that you want me to move on." His knees begin to shake and he slides down the door until he is sitting on the floor with his arms resting over his knees. His head falls back against the door with a soft thud, as his eyes shut tight. "Do you need me to go on? You told me that you had other letters like this for your family, but mine was the hardest. That you didn't want, or know, how to say goodbye." My body falls to the floor matching his position; only leaning against the back of the couch.

It's moments before either of us speaks. "Bella, how can that be? I wrote that letter, but it is in my bag, it's not what was mailed." I look up and am met with the most beautiful face streaked with tears. "I have the letter, Edward. It hasn't left my side since I got it. It's in my pocket right now." Our voices are both soft and full of emotions. "Baby, I am going to get my bag from the car. Will you be okay here for a moment?" I knew it was too good to be true. He only came here to rub it in and tell me goodbye to my face. He must see the expression in my face, because his falls. "I promise I'm coming right back. I need to get my bag, that letter is in there. I am not sure what happened, or who wrote that to you, but I can assure you that was not sent by me." My head drops to my knees as the tears once more take over. The front door closing softly brings my attention back to him.

He walks to me slowly, waiting for me to react, but I can't. There is no more fight left in me. He sits next to me and goes through his things. He brings out an envelope, it is the exactly like the one my final letter came in. "Baby, I did write a letter like that. I have one for my parents and brother as well. They get updated every so often and are only to be mailed or delivered in case something goes wrong. A lot of us have them. It's our way to reach out one last time and make sure that our loved ones know how we feel. As you can imagine they are not easy to write. Yours was by far the hardest. The letter I mailed you was telling you that my leave was being changed. There was a development in the mission we were running and had to leave that night. We had no notice, and the mission was top secret. No one knew where we were or how long we would be gone. The letter I sent was telling you what info I could."

My tears have momentarily stopped as I listen to him. He sounds so honest and defeated. "Can I have that letter please?" I ask him softly. He hands me the envelope, and as his skin briefly touches mine, my heart stops. Does he feel that too? I take the envelope from him and slowly open it. I take out the crisp white paper and unfold it to read the words it holds.

Date: 9/1/2011

My dearest Bella,

I hope this letter finds you well. I have some good news and some bad news. Which would you like first? I know that was mean of me, as you have no choice. Well, I will start with the bad. I am so sorry, but I will not be able to make it for your birthday. There is an extremely important mission that I need to leave for, and there is no way around it. As with any mission, I do not know an exact time frame, but I am hoping to be back before the New Year, and I will be granted my leave then. I know that this is not what either of us wants, but duty calls, and this has to happen.

Can you please do me a favor and open your gift on your birthday. I know I said you could open it at any time, but where I can't be there for your birthday; this is my way of being there for you. If you do open it sooner, please humor me and don't tell me the truth. I really hope you enjoy it.

Okay, for the good news…well, you will have to wait a bit. There are two parts, and I really want to share them with you in person. There are two really important things I need to tell you, and I think they are better said in person.

Please know that I am thinking of you always. Please don't worry about me. I know you will, but I promise to be safe. You see, I have this really amazing girl waiting for me back home, and there is no way I want to disappoint her.

Always yours,

Edward.

The tears fall again as I read his words. This wasn't a game to him. He really does care, but how could mix up have happened? I reach into my back pocket and pull the now fragile paper out, handing it to him to read. He unfolds the paper, and I have to turn away as he reads the opening lines. Sobs fill the room, and I suddenly realize they are not coming from me. I look up at him just as he throws the paper to the ground and pulls my body into his lap. My thighs straddle his legs, his arms wrap tightly around my waist. Our heads rest on the other's shoulder and we cry. We cry for the pain he never knew I had, for the loss that I felt, for the time we missed with each other. We cry for the pain that neither of us ever wanted to cause the other, and lastly, we cry from the joy of finally being together.

After what seems like hours but in reality were only mere minutes, he pulls back to look at my face. We both reach for the other's face to wipe the tears. This causes a small smile for each of us. For the first time in a long time, this is a genuine smile. "Baby, I am so incredibly sorry. I never meant for this to happen. Please say you can forgive me."

"There is nothing to forgive. I don't believe that you did this intentionally. What matters is that you are here. We are here, together." He pulls me close again, and I fight to keep the tears back. I know there is so much to talk about, but all that matters right now is he is alive. Not only is he alive, but he is here with me.