Chapter 17 – Lay My Burden Down
The secret affection she held for Harry was burning a hole in Nelly's heart. It needed to get out, to be confessed, announced, shared. With him. But now was not the time. Grief, whether her own or of others, wasn't something she processed easily. It was a force that would drive her into a shell she wouldn't leave until the storm of loss had passed. Still, the hopeful little flame was a blessing in disguise. As she moved through the motions, this secret she harboured was all Nelly could think about. It helped her get through all of the next week, the heartache of the funeral and the wake, the grief of her friends. It numbed her to the real pain of what Jax and everyone around him was going through. Nelly wasn't planning on attending, but Harry called and said it would mean a lot to them if she'd come. She couldn't say no to Harry.
The arrangements for John Teller's funeral were made quickly, which was a small miracle. It was a huge SAMCRO affair with every chapter of Sons of Anarchy represented and joined by many unaffiliated Sons, called Nomads. Nelly got there with Linda just in time to witness the caravan with John's casket rolling in through the elaborate iron gates of the cemetery, escorted by dozens bikers on their motorcycles. The procession was lead by Piney with Clay and Bobby on their bikes, and then followed by a sea of kuttes and their beasts. The roar of engines was a deafening tribute to their fallen leader. They were blessed with a beautiful, breezy Thursday, sun high in the cloudless sky. Because he served his country in Vietnam, John Teller was being laid to rest in the section of the cemetery reserved for veterans, where the white headstones were set on lush green lawn in perfectly straight rows and columns, like soldiers at attention. This order was completely at odds with the haphazard gathering of bikers, their old ladies and families, and quite a few civilian friends JT and the club had made over the years.
As usual, it was easy to spot Harry in the crowd. He was standing behind Jax and Gemma with his family. Tara was right next to Jax, her hand tightly intertwined with his. Nelly went to stand with Linda, across from them. In between, dividing them like a canyon, was JT's black coffin draped in his kutte. Harry found Nel in the cluster right away and gave her a small smile, then a slight nod of the head, beckoning her over. She shook her head in a silent reply. She'd be staying right where she was. Away from the spotlight, away from the tears and the pain. Nel wondered how Jax did it, how he could be so brave and composed and proud, while his father was being put in the ground? His face, usually so animated and bright, was a blank mask. Not a tear, not a frown. Once the service was over, Nelly wanted to escape, but aunt Linda insisted they'd give their condolences to Gemma and Jax. She had known JT for years and respected him. The club would never be the same, she told Nelly as the two of them lined up with other mourners for their turn with the grieving widow.
Linda and Gemma exchanged a stiff embrace, but from the tears in their eyes, it was clear that both women were emotional. Nelly hugged both Jax and Gemma, as if on autopilot, and said all the right things. As they were walking away, Harry caught up and addressed her aunt, "Ma'am, will you and Nelly be at the wake?"
"I'm not going, Harry, but Nelly can if she wants to." Her aunt sounded resigned and tired. She gave up that fight the day Nelly went to Gamma's dinner.
Harry looked at Nel hopefully, and she caved in. "Sure."
"I'll drive her home." Harry assured Linda before she left them. "Is that OK, Nelly?"
She just nodded in reply. It seemed there was no way she was getting out of it.
Nelly walked silently by Harry's side through the rows of white gravestones. He took in a big breath and asked her quietly, "Are you all right, Nel? You seem shaken."
"Yeah, fine. I mean, I hate funerals, but who doesn't?" She smiled at him weakly, surrendering to the fact that her shell would have to wait. "Maybe Jax will take comfort in us being there together."
Harry nodded in reply. They continued silently, until they got to the Winston's pick up, where his mother was waiting impatiently.
"Harry, where did you disappear to? We'll be the last ones there."
Nelly remembered her from the SAMCRO dinner at the Teller's house.
"I had to find my friend Nelly," He pointed with his hand, while he unlocked passenger door. "You've met her at Gemma's."
Nelly smiled at Harry's mother and said, "Hello."
The middle-aged, heavy-set woman gave her a once over, eyes squinting in recognition, and answered, "I can't be expected to remember every girl that shows up at Gamma's table."
She stepped into the truck and Harry slammed the door behind her, a little too hard.
"Easy!" his mother exclaimed.
Nelly could see Harry seething. He lead Nelly to the driver side, "I'm afraid you'll have to sit in the middle."
What followed was an awkward, mostly silent ride. The hostility between mother and son was electrifying the air, Nelly acting as a week insulator, barely holding it back from exploding. She felt awful for Harry, as his mother would give him back-seat driver advice all the way to the clubhouse. To his credit, Harry only gritted his teeth, muscles in his jaw tensing, and gripped the steering wheel so tight, Nelly thought he's break it in half. But they've arrived safe and sound, without an eruption of tempers or a car accident. Once Harry turned off the engine, Mary got out promptly and disappeared into the clubhouse. Harry sat back and gave a big sigh, his eyes closing. He seemed weary and worn out.
Nelly wanted to soothe him, and stopped herself short of reaching out and caressing his face,
"I think I see what you'd meant about your mom."
"You got her on good behaviour." Harry's lips turned up weakly for a moment, but quickly became serious. "I'm sorry she was so awful to you."
"We've only seen each other once." Nelly just shrugged, "She was much worse to you."
Their attention was called by a large pack of bikes entering the compound, escorting a black limousine, which carried Gemma and Jax. In a silent agreement, they climbed out of the truck and went to meet them.
Now that the service was over and the wake began, the dignity Jax was holding onto had dissolved, leaving him visibly shaken and dazed. It was excruciating to see the exuberant, confident Jax so grief-stricken and beaten down. He held on to Tara's hand constantly, as if tethering himself to something concrete in this new surreal world, but his girlfriend seemed bewildered by the sudden weight of someone else's pain thrust on her shoulders. Nelly watched Harry become the one to shoulder Jax's grief, being the strong and silent crutch for his brother. Harry would chaperone Jax through the milling crowd, which was getting progressively louder and more jovial, as more liquor was poured. He'd greet common friends when Jax became overwhelmed. And in dealing with all this, he found time to stop by and check on Nel, making her feel like she was never abandoned to the sea of sorrow surrounding her.
The wake was far from over, when Tara found Nelly in a quiet corner and offered her a ride home. Her dark-haired friend seemed wound up and rough around the edges, more than ready to leave. Nelly remembered Harry promised her aunt he'd take her home. Nel had hoped this would be their chance to talk, but she noticed him and Jax, along with Piney and Bobby, disappearing into the club's "chapel", a quiet dark meeting room. The wake was becoming more of a party, and Nelly couldn't stand being here another minute. She peaked into the chapel and found the two boys and two men huddled together at a large wooden table, SAMCRO reaper carved in its surface. It was obvious none of them would be going anywhere for a while. Nelly caught Harry's eye just by stepping in the door, and he came to meet her. He was so close, right in her personal space, but she didn't shrink back. If anything she reached out on tiptoes, as she whispered to him, "I didn't mean to interrupt, Harry."
"It's fine." His eyes were intent on hers, as if searching for answers. "Do you want me to take you home?"
"No worries, Tara offered me a ride. Just wanted to let you know we were leaving."
"I made a promise to your aunt." Harry's brow creased.
Nel smiled at him, expecting this reply. "Stay with Jax. I'll be fine."
There was nothing left to say, but his gaze held her in place. She longed to take his hand, lead him off to the side and tell him, I think I love you. But how could she do it amidst everything that was going on?
"Goodbye, Harry." She smiled weakly.
"I'll see you." He nodded back and watched her leave.
The flame remained inside and hidden; eager to break out, but consuming her instead.
+0+
When Harry got home close to midnight, found the house turned upside down, clothes pulled out of closets, half-packed boxes littering every room. He watched as his mother folded sweaters and pants and piled them into suitcases. It gave him an uneasy feeling at the back of his neck, made his stomach tingle with anxiety.
"What's going on, mom?"
"Oh, nothing, just clearing out some stuff." She replied carelessly. "Your father wanted to talk to you, but he ain't here yet. God knows when he'll drag his sorry ass home."
"Is there something you're not telling me?"
"Me? Not telling you?" There was a mean glint in her mother's eye. "Fine, then. I'm taking you to visit Gramps Maurice for Thanksgiving. Pack a few things, we're leaving Saturday morning."
"For how long?" Harry asked, the uncomfortable tingling gripping his spine not easing.
"A week, ten days tops."
"With dad?"
"He ain't coming." She said with finality.
Harry went to his room without another word. He didn't like his mother's dad, his Gramps Maurice, who, without a doubt was the source of her winning personality. Harry wished his dad was home, so he could plead his case for staying in Charming for the holidays. The wake wouldn't end until the early hours of the morning, and Piney would probably not make it home until tomorrow afternoon. Harry fell asleep in a matter of minutes, hoping that that Piney could be convinced. To distract himself, he thought of the hiking trip to Folsom Park he planned with Jax and the girls, which led him to Nelly's beautiful eyes, full and soft mouth, the touch of her hands on his skin...
He was woken up by a rough hand on his shoulder. "Son, we've got to talk." Harry's eyes opened to a dark room and Piney hovering by his bed. "Come on, get up, Opie."
Harry sat up slowly, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes. He looked at the red numbers on his digital clock. 4:17, it read. He had exactly three and a half hours of sleep. And he'd have to be back at school at nine. Groaning, he pulled on a pair of sweats and went looking for his father.
He found him in the backyard, sitting in one of the plastic lawn chairs standing around a mismatched glass table. The early morning was cool and foggy, sun's rays barely peaking over the horizon, and Harry wished he thought of pull on a sweatshirt over his A-shirt. Instead, he sat down in a chair next to his dad and rubbed his hands over his naked arms. Piney reeked of beer and cigarette smoke, but his eyes were clear.
"Your mother and I are separating," said Piney without a preamble. "She wants to go back to her family. She is taking you with her."
"What?" Harry tried to make sense of what he heard, sleep still fogging his brain. "I thought we were going only for Thanksgiving."
"I don't know what your mother told you, but this is a permanent move."
Harry thought about it for a moment, enraged by his mother's lies, baffled that his father wouldn't stand up for him, would order him like a child. "Do you want me to leave?"
"Of course I don't want you go to, Opie," Piney put his arm over his son's shoulder, and continued, trying to convince him. "I love you, you'll always be my boy."
"Then I'm not leaving." Harry said evenly, determined.
Piney removed his arm and sat back, his lips pressed in a grim line. "It's been decided, Harry. Whatever differences Mary and I have, she's still your mother. This is what she wants."
"Pops..." Harry was lost for words. "Dad, please. Jax is a mess, and there's this girl... I need to stay in Charming."
His father's eyes softened, as he leaned his elbows on the table.
"Son, I've made plenty of mistakes in my life. I wasn't the best husband and maybe I wasn't always there for you as a dad, but now is the time for me to do something right." Piney's brows knotted, as if he had doubts. He continued slowly, but deliberately, "With J.T. dead, things just won't be the same around here. Maybe this is your chance to have a different start, do something else with your life. You don't have to follow in your old man's footsteps."
"But pops, you know this is what I've always wanted."
"I know, but give living with your mother an honest try, son, if only for a few months."
Harry knew that he wouldn't convince his dad, and a desperate emptiness replaced the anxiety. The decision had been made. He was leaving for Santa Rosa, and he would be leaving everything he cared for behind.