A/N - Yes, I know it's been a while. Not nearly as long as my other story, but writer's block and real life have been running rampant. I have received several inquiries on both DEF and this one concerning updates and posting schedules, and unfortunately, I do not have one. I post as inspiration strikes. And obviously, it's not always reliable lol. But I have not given up on these stories by a long shot. I adore them both, but I am just very picky about what I post for you all, and the last thing I want to do is deliver you something subpar. Thank you so much for all your patience, I really appreciate it!
Chapter 7 ~ Not Backup
A friend? Female? ~E
No. ~B
My stomach dropped with that one simple word, as if I'd been physically struck as I re-entered my office. Tossing the phone onto my desk, I drove my hands into my hair, breathing heavily.
"Son of a bitch!" I exclaimed though clenched teeth, tugging roughly on my hair and sweeping a penholder from the surface of my desk and onto the floor.
"Is everything all right, Dr. Cullen?"
I turned my head toward my still open door and the petite blond nurse from reception that I could not remember the name of standing there; her name had never mattered. Everything over the past several weeks had revolved around one thing.
Bella. Who wouldn't be there that night. Who was going out … on a date … with another man.
"Yes, fine. Thank you," I paused, discreetly glancing down at her name badge. "Lauren."
"No problem," she replied with a wink and turned, closing the door behind her.
I rolled my eyes and sat back heavily in my chair, spinning it roughly toward the window. Even the beautiful sight before me of the lightly falling snow, blanketing everything in a glistening white cover, could not quell the anger and the accompanying ache caused by that one word.
She'd lied to me, and I believed her. She told me that she didn't date, yet wouldn't she have specifically said it wasn't a date if it had been anything else? Was this all just some kind of game to her? Was she really no different than every other superficial, needy woman I'd encountered in my life?
Just the day before, it would have been nearly impossible for me to think of Bella that way.
And at that moment, I was sitting there, agonizing over why she would do something like that.
Everything had been amazing between us, despite the base nature of what we had. I'd actually looked forward to going home every day, my apartment no longer filling me with a sense of loneliness I yearned to escape. For the first time, it actually felt like a home, as if I had something to come home to. And I did.
She was there waiting for me, every single night. No matter the time or my frame of mind, just one look at her face or the sound of her voice instantly relaxed me. Never once had she indicated that she wanted anything else, that the time we spent together wasn't enough.
Until today.
I'd been an idiot. Allowing myself to become so personal and comfortable with her. For trusting her.
For needing her.
Turning back to my desk, I reached for my phone, her last text still staring back at me from the screen. What had changed in just a little over an hour, since our morning ritual of playful banter as she went to class? Or more specifically, who had changed it?
Images flooded my mind of some faceless college jock, moving in and touching what should be mine. Her smile and that beautiful blush as he asked her for a date, biting her lip the way she did when she was nervous. The way her small hand fit into his, like it should in mine, as she invited him in. His hands touching her, running them over her body. Pulling her full bottom lip between his, causing the sweet sounds she made to escape her; the sounds that only I should elicit. Being in her bed…where I couldn't be.
I hit reply before my thoughts could travel any further, continuing to torment me.
Have a good evening. Edward
Setting my phone to silent, I attempted to return to work; to what was real.
Yet, even drowning myself in my work could not distract me for long. She had completely consumed me for weeks; thinking about her had become as natural as breathing. Regardless of how hard I tried to block her out, she was always there.
It hit me the hardest when I entered my apartment, fully realizing as I gazed across the room at my computer that she wouldn't be there.
Grabbing a beer from the fridge, I slid my jacket off, tossing my phone from my pocket onto the counter. The red blinking light in the corner that had been taunting me all day still flashed incessantly. I tilted the bottle to my lips, continuing to stare at it. It was no doubt just various emails that had filtered in throughout the day. She had no other cause to message me.
Nonetheless, I grabbed it and walked over to my desk, settling into my chair and staring at the blank screen of my phone. I wasn't sure what would have been worse; to have a message from her or not.
Flipping on my monitor, I checked my email, and as I suspected, nothing of importance. Yet, my phone kept flashing.
The screen suddenly illuminated with an incoming call, and my throat tightened.
Bella.
I scoffed and shook my head, instantly declining the call and sending it to voicemail, seeing one last unopened message on my screen. I opened it and saw it was from Bella, earlier that morning.
I'm sorry. Talk to you soon. ~B
Unable to think of any way to reply to that, I powered down my phone—the message disappearing from the screen. What had I actually expected? She was in college on the other side of the country; she had no commitment to me. How long had I thought it could continue before she got bored, needing something more real? She was still so young; far too young to limit herself in such a way. She should be out, going on dates, having fun, and enjoying life.
So why was I so angry?
It was all so abrupt. Just that morning, she was still my Bella, and an hour later, she was gone. I hadn't realized until that moment how reliant I had become on her presence in my life in such a short period of time.
It wasn't just about the sex anymore, and I couldn't remember the last time it felt as if it were.
It was little things like all night conversations about anything and everything that came to mind. Random texts throughout the day, with nothing sexual in nature, just to say hi. And even something as silly as deciding at midnight that she wanted a bowl of cereal and asking me to join her, joking about how it was our first meal together.
I felt at ease with her, never having to pretend to be anyone other than just Edward. However, staring at the computer screen at that moment, my chest literally ached from her absence. Even if I logged onto that site right then, I would never find another Bella and had no desire to do so.
Finishing off my beer, I turned off the monitor and made my way to the bedroom, falling still clothed onto my bed. Through sheer exhaustion from the day and the strain of it, I fell asleep quickly but not restfully.
She was there. Although not for the first time, she was more vivid than ever. Lying beside me, her body pressed firmly against my side, whispering that she missed me as her lips ghosted over my bare shoulder.
I pulled her against me, burying my face in her long brown hair, her arms wrapping around my shoulders. Rolling her onto her back, I pressed a kiss to her full lips, hearing her whimper softly as I settled between her legs. Looking down into her eyes, they gazed back at me with a strange mixture of green and brown, a shade I had never seen. So light, they were almost transparent. As I positioned myself against her, her fingers wove into my hair and she kissed me gently.
"I'll never leave you, Edward," she whispered against my lips, capturing my lower one between hers and pulling me closer.
Just as I moved to enter her, she disappeared as everything fell to darkness.
The incessant buzzing of my alarm ripped me abruptly from my peace. I slapped my hand on the snooze button, unwilling to open my eyes. I could still almost feel the pressure of her body against my side, her warm skin, and her soft lips. And once I opened my eyes, I knew it would all vanish completely.
"You already have left, Bella," I grumbled into my pillow at my subconscious, taunting me with what it thought I wanted to hear and see.
Rolling onto my back, I rubbed my eyes briefly with the palms of my hands, letting them fall to my chest as I stared at the ceiling.
I didn't want to get out of bed, nor did I really have to. It was my day off and anything that I needed to do could wait. Yet, I wasn't sure I wanted to go back to sleep, either. Part of me was cursing myself for not remembering to turn off my alarm the night before, while another part was grateful for it. I could be lost in the sweet abyss that was Bella right now, but would that really be any better?
Throwing the covers roughly aside, I swung my legs out of bed and stood, walking across the room and stretching as I made my way to the window.
"Just fucking perfect," I grumbled as I peered outside, seeing nothing but brilliant white glaring back at me, clouded by the heavy sheet of a Chicago blizzard.
Well, there goes the plan for getting out today, I thought to myself as I pushed off the window frame and headed for the shower. I'd spent enough time being a doctor in an ER on days such as that without becoming a patient in one as well.
Which only left me more time to think, allowing my mind to wander to places I didn't want it to be.
Bella.
I unwillingly began to wonder how her date had gone the night before. Had she enjoyed herself? Had he made her smile and laugh the way I did? Had he felt the lips I'd only been able to dream about against his, heard her moan his name in pleasure against his ear, her hair fanned out over the pillow beneath her head?
Had he given her the orgasm I could?
Get a hold of yourself, Cullen. Not everything is about sex, remember? my mind screamed at me.
I walked out to the kitchen after my shower with a towel still around my waist, turning up the thermostat and set about making my coffee.
No, it wasn't all about sex. But it was easier to remain angry about that, than to pathetically ponder things like her tiny hand in his. Her head resting on his shoulder, allowing him to inhale the scent of her hair. Her eyes staring at him in fascination as he spoke.
Taking my first sip of coffee, I walked over to my desk to check my email before getting dressed and figuring out what to do with my day. I was surprised to find an email from Emmett, sent about an hour before.
Hey Doc, you all right? You didn't look too good when you were leaving last night, and you haven't been answering your calls or texts. Hope all is okay. Enjoy your day away from the madness, this storm ain't letting up.
Em
"Shit," I mumbled, grabbing my phone and powering it up as I walked into my closet. No sooner had I slid on a pair of jeans, I heard my phone begin to vibrate incessantly on top of my dresser with incoming messages. After pulling a shirt over my head, I took it back into my hand and looked down at the screen.
Several messages throughout the night from Emmett, but only one message caught my eye.
She texted last night.
Running a free hand through my hair, the other fell to my side, and the screen rested against my thigh as I drew in a deep breath. Why is she doing this? She made her choice.
Nonetheless, I brought it back up to my view and selected the message. I really must be a glutton for punishment.
I'm so sorry, Edward. Buzz me when you have a minute, please. ~B
I rolled my eyes as I gazed at the time of the text. 10:28 pm.
Barely 8:30 her time. Some 'date'.
I turned my head at the chime of my computer sounding in the next room, indicating a new email. I tossed my phone on the bed and walked back out to the living room.
"I'm fine, Emmett," I mumbled under my breath before I sat down, knowing he would not give up until he received a reply.
Great friend, but persistent as hell!
However, when I finally looked to the screen, it was not 'Emmett McCarty' that stared back at me. Instead, it was 'Bella Swan'.
Edward,
I know you're probably really angry with me right now, and I can't blame you for not answering my texts. But I really need to talk to you, to explain. I'm online right now and I'm not going to class. Far too tired and distracted. Please.
Bella
My leg bounced rapidly in agitation as I read.
Late night, Bella? I mentally sneered as I leaned back in my chair, swiveling it back and forth and squeezing my lip between my thumb and forefinger … but my eyes never left the screen.
What could she possibly have to say to me? And what would I have to say to her? I should just end this right now, solidly, I thought. Yet, the idea of that caused an ache inside me, knowing for a fact that it wasn't healthy or even sane, but part of me didn't give a damn. I wanted her. I desired her more than any woman I'd ever encountered. She understood me more than any other woman … or so I thought.
Nothing to explain. Hope you had a good time and that it was worth it.
I clicked send, standing from the chair and walking to the kitchen to warm up my coffee. Watching the creamer dissipate as I stirred, I felt the ache growing again. I couldn't even bring myself to type her name, how pathetic was that? Nevertheless, I also knew that I needed to distance myself as much as possible, while still attempting to make myself appear as neutral as I could.
I could not allow myself to let her know that it was actually tearing me apart—especially after that dream the night before.
I was just taking another sip of coffee when that damn chime sounded again. I sighed heavily and walked back over to my desk, relieved to find that time, it was Emmett.
Ed, fuck, man. I know for a fact your ass if up by know. Reply to something.
Em
I chuckled slightly as I hit reply.
Em,
You kiss your mother with that mouth? Everything is fine. Just personal shit. Thanks for the concern.
Now get some fucking sleep!
Edward
As that message sent, my inbox reappeared on the screen with one new email highlighted at the top. I drew in a deep breath and exhaled it heavily as I clicked over it.
Edward,
Yes there is. Please, just give me five minutes.
The date was a disaster, if you must know.
Bella
I leaned forward on my desk, driving my hands into my hair.
Why wouldn't she just give up and leave it alone? Did she really think that she could just bounce me back and forth like a Ping-Pong ball?
The problem was … she actually did hold that power, if I ever allowed it.
Sorry to hear that. But I'm not going to be your backup plan.
Edward
The moment I sent the message, I instantly regretted it. Not only was it unnecessarily cruel and I felt like an absolute ass, but obviously, it was also a lie.
My phone rang from the bedroom a moment later and I walked in, looking down to see it was her calling.
Declining the call again, I tossed the phone back onto the jumbled mess of my bed and fell back on it myself.
What was I doing? I was being a coward. I was behaving as if I were in high school rather than the professional adult I was.
Was I jealous? Fuck yes, I was.
Was I angry? Of course.
Was I angry with her?
As I was pondering that, my phone vibrated beside me and I picked it up, assuming it was a voicemail from her call. Instead, there was a waiting text message.
Edward I know you're there. I'm only asking for 5 mins, and willing to embarrass the hell out of myself. Please answer.
I sighed heavily, rubbing my hand over my face. She wasn't going to give up, but did I want to hear her voice just then? I had to admit it would be a hell of a lot easier than seeing her face at that moment; having to see her eyes and whatever did or did not lie there anymore.
But I could at least listen to whatever it was she had to say.
Highlighting her name on my call log, I pressed send and after one ring, her voice rang through.
"Edward," she answered in a breathy rush and I immediately felt my chest tighten at the sound. I heard her clear her throat at the other end when I didn't reply after a moment, followed by a soft sniffle. Was she crying? Before I could even begin to question her, she began to speak. "I know you're angry. Just please listen."
"So, what did you want to tell me?" I asked, attempting to keep my voice level and emotionless.
"About last night," she started and I inhaled slowly through my nose in preparation. "It's not what you think."
"Oh really? So, you didn't have a date last night?" I asked sharply, sitting up on the bed and shifting to lean back against the headboard.
"Well, yeah," she replied softly with a sigh.
"After you had already made plans with me?" I continued.
"Yes, but…"
"Then it's exactly what I thought," I concluded, shaking my head. "That's all I need to know."
"No!" she exclaimed loudly, causing my eyes to widen in surprise and preventing me from ending the call. "It's really not."
I waved my arm out in frustration with my head rested back on the headboard, feeling the slight sting on my thigh through the denim as my palm struck it. "All right, enlighten me, then."
I closed my eyes and could almost envision her biting her lip and twirling one of her long tendrils around her fingertip, as she always did when she was nervous about something.
"It was a blind date, set up by my friend, Alice. I didn't even know the guy," she replied in a faint voice.
"That's really not helping at all," I replied tightly, my fist clenching on my leg. Even from a distance, I was more familiar with her than this guy had been, but he'd still been close enough to touch her.
"Nothing happened, Edward," she said in an almost knowing tone, while still holding a slight hint of desperation. "Even if I was able, I just couldn't."
Her voice was soft as it trailed off and I slowly opened my eyes, staring up at the ceiling. "Bella, just—"
"I got my period," she mumbled hurriedly and let out a shaky breath, cutting off anything I could have attempted to say. "I didn't know how to tell you, and we can't really … do much like that. I didn't know what to do."
I sighed heavily, running my hand through my hair and resting my head back against the headboard again. "So, rather than just telling me that you got your period, you decided to go out on a blind date instead."
"I know. I know! It was stupid! But it's not exactly the most comfortable topic for a woman, you know," she breathed out heavily and I could just about hear her lips pursing in frustration. "Especially given the nature of our relationship."
"And exactly what is that?" I snapped back, my head shooting up.
"It's sex ... Edward," she said, her voice barely audible. She huffed almost defiantly before continuing. "Whether we can touch each other or not, it's sex!"
My hand rose to pinch the bridge of my nose and we were both silent for an immeasurable period of time. I honestly couldn't say what I was expecting because I really wasn't sure, but her words were like a punch to the gut. My hand fell to my lap with a heavy sigh escaping my lips. "That's all this is to you?"
"What else can it possibly be?" she replied weakly, followed by a deep intake of breath.
"No," I chuckled humorlessly, pushing up off the bed and storming back into the living room. I wasn't buying this over the phone. Typing in my password to the site, I immediately received the notification that she was still on, as well. "Turn on your cam, Bella."
"What?" she exclaimed breathlessly in shock.
"Turn on your cam and let me see you," I repeated firmly through clenched teeth.
"Edward …"
"Do it. You wanted to talk, you wanted me to come online. I'm here. Now, turn on your cam."
There was a moment of silence on her end and then the screen to view her webcam appeared. I swallowed hard as I waited for the image, preparing myself for anything. And once it did, her head was bent down with her fingers threaded in her hair, the other holding the phone to her ear.
I leaned back in my chair as I gazed at her, taking her in even though I couldn't see her face, yet. For the moment, she was still there and I wanted to take a moment to savor that. "Bella, please, look up."
I heard and watched her inhale, running her tongue over her lips and pressing them together. And when she finally opened her eyes and raised them, what I saw tore at my heart.
Her eyes were swollen and tear-filled, and the shade from my dream the previous night; that unique and nearly transparent tannish-green shade I'd never seen before.
Because I'd never seen her cry.
She brushed her fingertips roughly across her cheek and her gaze shifted uncomfortably. "What?"
"I want you to look at me," I said softly, wishing so much that I could hold her, make her tears end. "And tell me that's all this is to you."
"Turn your cam on," she replied and bit her lip, not saying another word until her eyes shifted slightly on her screen when I sent my invite.
My heart pounded harder until I was sure it would burst through my chest with every moment that passed and I waited. For her to confirm my worst fears; for her to tell me it didn't matter.
"I can't," she whispered and shook her head, another tear escaping the corner of her eye. Her forehead rested in her hand, pushing her hair back. "It should be, but it's not. It killed me to say those things to you yesterday. No matter how much I tried to convince myself of the unrealistic and impossible nature of all this."
I watched her eyes, seeming as if they locked right on me, and beyond the sadness and anguish, was nothing by sheer honesty. I lowered mine slightly, taking a sip off my now cold coffee. "Did you want him at all?"
"No," she replied softly but firmly and I looked up to see her still shaking her head. "And that scares me. There was absolutely no other reason for me not to want him. Other than, he wasn't you. All I could think about all night was how much I would have rather been home talking to you. Imagining he was you just to get through the damn dinner, thinking of how much different it would have been. And in the end, getting pissed off because he was sitting next to me and you were in Chicago. Angry with me."
Her eyes fell with her last statement, and as I gazed at her, I had the answer to my earlier question. I wasn't angry at her. While she could have handled the incident better, I couldn't be angry with her.
I was irrationally angry with this guy, whoever he was, for trying to take her away. Angry at the situation and angry with me for allowing myself to become so attached. But I was at the point of no return, nor did I want to.
"Bella," I said gently, trying to keep my voice calm and her eyes rose again. "If we're going to continue this, I won't share you. If you decide at some point that you want to start dating, you can tell me and I won't hold it against you. But I'll have to let you go completely. I can't bounce back and forth like this. Would you want me to go on a date with a woman, possibly even sleep with her, and then come back to you?"
I watched as she visibly stiffened, her back straightening and her hand gripping the wrist holding the phone. Her jaw tightened and she took a shaky breath.
"No," she said in a firm and steady tone, shaking her head sharply. "So … what does this make us? Exclusive internet lovers?"
We both laughed at the same time and she covered her face with her hand, but her smile was refreshing.
"Well, that's certainly an interesting way of phrasing it," I chuckled, staring at her as she rested her cheek in her palm and even though she appeared tired, she was still so damn beautiful. "I missed you last night."
"I missed you, too. I thought about you all night," she replied, tilting her head slightly and gazing at her screen for a prolonged moment. "You didn't shave this morning."
I released a breathy laugh, rubbing my hand along my chin and then looking back to her. "Well, why don't you go get some sleep, and I'll go shave. You can give me a call when you wake up."
"No!" she exclaimed, sitting up sharply again and then biting her lip. "Please don't shave if you don't have to. I'm not ready to go to bed yet."
I laughed softly and shook my head. "Bella, I'm still going to be here when you wake up. It's my day off, and it's snowing like a bitch outside. I'm staying in today."
"Then just stay here with me for a little longer," she replied tiredly. "I just want to look at you. I've been going through withdrawals."
I couldn't help but chuckle softly along with her at her comment. "Then take your laptop into your room and lay down. We can talk for a bit longer until you're ready to fall asleep."
She nodded slowly and held the phone between her shoulder and her ear as she picked up her laptop.
"Do you want to hang up and use the mics?" I asked as I watched her trying to balance everything as she walked.
"Uh uh," she replied and set the laptop beside her bed, climbing onto it and bundling herself under the covers, hugging the phone against her ear. "You feel closer this way."
Her eyes were already closing as she began to mumble, though she was fighting to keep them open. I heard her breaths slowing against the phone and I looked down to my watch. It was only 7:30 there?
"Bella, did you sleep at all last night?" I asked softly and her eyes blinked open for a moment, and then she shook her head.
"Couldn't. Needed to talk to you," she grumbled, pulling the blanket under her chin.
I couldn't take my eyes off her. She looked so peaceful and beautiful, her eyelashes fluttering over her skin, her lips slightly pursed. I knew I should've said goodnight and just let her go to sleep, but fuck, I had missed her.
"You're quiet," she muttered without opening her eyes
"Sorry, you just look so tired," I replied and she slowly nodded her head. "Baby, shut off the computer."
"But—"
"I will be here when you wake up, I promise," I continued, interrupting her protest.
"'kay," she said softly, opening her eyes and blowing me a kiss, before her screen went black and I shut mine down as well.
I chuckled as a soft whimper came from her end. "You were supposed to shut it down, Bella."
"Okay, okay. Fine," she huffed and I heard the click of the top closing and the shuffling of fabric against the phone. "It's off."
"Now, go to sleep," I urged gently, hearing a soft hum in response ... and then silence.
Bella had fallen asleep on the phone.
I whispered a soft goodnight and hung up, setting it on top of my desk.
As I tried to occupy myself throughout the day, the image of a sleeping Bella combined with the memories of my dream from the night before floated through my mind. What I would have given to be right there with her, watching her fall asleep and brushing away the stray hair that had fallen over her face. To wake up to her still there beside me, needing only to roll over and have her beneath me.
For those lips to be against mine instead of her fingertips as she 'kissed me' goodnight.
I halted mid-chop through a carrot on the cutting board at that thought. What exactly would that be like? For the first time, I was seriously allowing myself to think about that. While we didn't have an actual title for our relationship, 'exclusive internet lovers' as she called it, she was, in a sense, mine. As I was hers. Would we always be denied of each other's touch?
I couldn't see any reason why we'd have to be.
When my phone finally rang later on that day, with her name appearing on my caller id, I was anxious to hear her voice, to talk to her.
"Hey, I'm sorry I slept so long. It was a long night, and not in a good way, by any stretch," she said when I answered the phone.
"It's fine. It gave me some time to think anyway," I replied with a smile, taking a bite of my dinner and a sip of my beer.
"Oh no," she breathed out and audibly swallowed hard.
"No, not 'oh no'. Nothing like that," I replied calmly, pushing my chair back from the table and standing up as her relieved sigh sounded through the phone. "I actually wanted to ask you something."
"What?" she asked in a nervous tone.
"What are you doing the week after Christmas?" I asked, leaning against my window frame and staring out at the mass of white outside.
"Um, coming back to LA after spending Christmas with my parents. They're not much for the big New Year's party thing. Why?"
"Because I'd like to spend New Year's with you," I replied and heard a soft breathy laugh in response. "In New York."