Chapter 18 – Be Here Now
Nelly was surprised to see Jax and Harry at school the next day, a rainy Friday. They both looked somber and dejected, but they were there. When she bumped into Tara in the hallway and asked her about it, she told Nelly that Jax insisted, like a madman, on getting back to normal life. That his mother encouraged it, as something his father would have wanted. That and the boys had final game of the football season tonight. It would kept their minds off the pain, Tara said. But Jax and Harry seemed preoccupied and distant. Something was not right, Nel could feel it in her bones.
The rain intensified in the afternoon, and Nelly decided to take a long way home after school, under the rafters. The football team was filing out for their last practice. There was a home game to be played later today, one she would miss, thanks to a babysitting job she had lined up. Jax zoomed by, cursing "Fucking morons... in this goddamned rain..." Nelly couldn't help smiling as she nodded her head in agreement. She was surprised she hasn't seen Harry yet. Most of the boys were already on the field, getting drenched, when he caught up to her at the end of the group. They exchanged greetings and he fell into step beside her.
"My mother is taking me to her family in Santa Rosa for Thanksgiving."
Nelly felt a pang of disappointment and a tiny deflated "Oh," escaped her lips. She despised loneliness of the holidays and was only looking forward to it, because the four of them made plans to spend the long weekend together. "When will you be back?"
"That's the thing, I don't know when." Harry's voice was quiet, but filled with intensity. He took a moment before he continued. "Mother and pop are divorcing. She's leaving Charming and taking me with her."
Nelly stopped and turned to him, the meaning of his words finally sinking in. She looked up into his sad eyes, noticed the crease on his forehead, the one he got when he was upset. His entire body was tense and trembling. In that moment, everything was intensified: the rain drumming on the wooden planks above them, the raindrops hanging on his eye lashes, the warmth of his skin radiating towards her. That can't be, thought Nelly, and she blurted out the only thing on her mind, "Don't go."
Before Harry replied, he was interrupted by the coach calling him on the field, as the other boys began to jeer. He took a hold of her hand and looked into her eyes, scanning them as if trying to convey a message. It seemed that he wanted to tell her something, but in the end all he said was, "I'm sorry, I've got to go...", and then he ran off to join his teammates in the rain.
She didn't know if he meant now or away. It didn't matter, either way it was just as devastating. Nelly had to take a few moments to gather herself before she could start moving again. The weight of knowledge that Harry would soon be gone nearly pushed her to the ground and a chest-crushing pain made each breath a challenge. She tried to regain control over her emotions and her body, while her brain was working out a solution. Maybe this could still be turned around, maybe things would work out so he wouldn't have to leave? Maybe he would change his mind once she told him how she felt? In any case, she would surely have a chance to talk to him. Soon.
The rain was still coming down hard and the air was chilly with fog when Harry stopped by the Tellers house early next morning. Jax came out on the wrap-around porch, and Harry blurted out, "We're leaving in an hour. I came to say goodbye, brother."
Their usual macho posturing fell away and the boys embraced fiercely.
"This is fucked up, Opie." Jax swore as he let go, his eyes full of tears. "What the hell is wrong with your parents?"
"Everyone knew it was coming, Jax," Harry shook his head, resigned. "It was just a matter of time."
"But why can't you stay here with Piney?"
"He wants to do this my mother's way."
"Traitor!" Jax punched a wooden column of the porch, his tears spilling over.
"I think it's his way of making amends." Harry tried to justify Piney's decision, more to himself than to Jax. "He told me to give it a few months."
"A lot can happen in a few months, Opie." Jax looked up at him with anxious, sad eyes. "You get your ass back here as soon as you can, you hear?"
Harry felt the same way, like he was being torn away from his conjoined twin. "As soon as I can, bro. Believe me, this is not what I want."
Jax wiped his tears with a sleeve of his sweatshirt and changed tracks, "I saw you talking to Nel at practice yesterday. How is she taking it?"
"She said, don't go." Harry's heart raced as he thought of powerful emotions that one phrase stirred in him.
"Have you gone to her, to say goodbye?"
"No. That was it." Harry replied shortly, pushing his hands into his pockets, wishing to end this conversation and to stop thinking about Nelly.
"Are you crazy?" Jax exploded, "This is your chance to tell her how you feel!"
Harry shook his head. "I can't. No point now that I'm leaving."
"There's always a point, you dumb-ass! How long is it you've been in love with her?"
Jax's words broke something inside Harry, the damper he put on how he felt about Nel, about this mess of his parents' divorce and being taken away from everything he cared about.
"I can't, Jax! I can't trust myself with saying anything to her, to you, to my dad." Harry's voice trembled, his body gave out and he sat down heavily on the porch steps. He wiped away tears suddenly running down his face and took a deep breath to compose himself.
Jax sat down next to him and put a comforting arm over his brother's shoulder. They watched the rain in silence for a few moments and then he whispered, "Just do everything you can to come back. We'll be waiting for you. All of us."
Harry left without seeing Nelly again. She wasn't prepared for the doubts and yearning that came after, the way she missed Harry's endearing ways, the awkward and oddly comforting familiarity of their little group. She blamed herself for not telling him sooner, for taking such a long damn time to figure things out for herself. And now it was too late. Days had passed, and she hasn't heard from him at all, although she knew he spoke with Jax. Tara always took it upon herself to ask about Harry for Nel's benefit, but Jax would answer directly to Nelly as he told them how much Harry hated being in Santa Rosa and living with his mother.
"He said he's thinking about you." He told Nel quietly.
"Then why won't he call and tell me?" Nelly struggled to keep her tears in check.
"Because he's a dumb macho biker bastard, who doesn't talk about his feeling." Jax replied with an angry note in his voice, but a smirk curled up his lips. Nelly smiled through her tears and believed him. Then the boy's smile faded and he added seriously, "And because it would hurt too much."