Chapter 19 – Tomorrow Is a Long Time
A couple of days later, Tara called Nelly out of the blue, "Turn to Q92, now." It was the hard-rock station all kids in their high-school were listening to. "Do you hear that song?"
Nelly turned on the radio. It was Nirvana's All Apologies.
"Yeah, so?" She didn't care much for Nirvana.
"Just listen to the end, will you?" Tara replied impatiently, but stayed on the line.
Nelly rolled her eyes, she did not understand the point of this exercise. The song finished soon enough and the DJ's voice boomed from her radio, pleading comically. "Once again, this is from Harry to Nelly. Come on, Nelly, whatever it is he did, he's very. Very. Sorry." Then the DJ swiftly moved on to a contest for RHCP tickets.
It felt to Nel as if someone had pressed a pause button. Harry wouldn't pick up the phone, but he went through the trouble of communicating this way. The little flame she held on to in her aching heart, flickered and grew stronger.
Tara's voice brought her back to reality, "What are you going to do about it? Because we both know you're hooked on the boy."
"We're just friends." Nelly objected weakly, not wanting to over-share.
"Is that what you call this dysfunctional thing you and him have, Nel?" She had a gift for getting to the heart of the matter, however painful. "Are you really that blind or just in plain denial?"
Then she actually stopped to give Nel opportunity to respond.
It was hard enough to figure it out for herself without having to explain it to someone else. And there was this new and raw uncertainty of whether Harry felt the same way about her. "What do you want me to do? Yes, he's sorry, but he's gone and he's not talking to me. What am I supposed to think about that, Tara? I can't just assume that he likes me."
"Can't assume he likes you? Are you for real? The boy's been pining for you since day one. Did you forget the damned Ferris wheel, the fucking mess at the dance? Or that stupid big grin on his face every time he saw you?"
Nelly was silent as she recalled the powerful cocktail of memories: the warmth of Harry's hand, the softness of his hoodie, his smiling eyes.
Tara continued relentlessly, "What do you think that song was, Nel? He's reaching out to you, in the best way a teenaged moron can."
"How do you know this?"
"I've got eyes! Besides, do you think that necking is all Jax and I do? He talks to me, he tells me stuff," She huffed, then took a big breath and continued more calmly. "I know a lot has happened and the circumstances have been far from romantic, but you better give Harry some hope or cut him loose real soon. It's time the two of you finally got your shit together."
"But he's gone, Tara."
"Omigod, it's not like he's checked out or moved to China. Who knows, if you'll give him a sign, maybe he'll come back." Tara ventured, sparking a new wave of hope in Nelly. "Listen, let me give you his number in Santa Rosa. What you do with it, is your business."
The funny thing was that deep in her heart, Nel didn't doubt that Harry cared about her, but it hurt to have him so suddenly, so completely, torn out of her life. The gaping hole his absence created was impossible to fill. There was only one thing to do.
+0+
Whenever she rehearsed this conversation in her mind, the moment of telling Harry how she felt about him, she never imagined it being done on the phone. Nel wanted to see his face when she told him, to be able to gauge his response from his eyes, to taste the kiss that she hoped would follow. But everything had changed, and when she dialled Harry's number in Santa Rosa, the one Tara gave her, she wasn't sure what she was going to say.
A cracked, snarly voice of an elderly man answered, "Hello?"
"Hello, my name is Nelly." She twirled the telephone cord nervously around her finger. "I'm Harry's friend. Could I speak to him, please?"
"Harry?" The man growled, as if confused by the name. "He's got no friends, and he ain't here." That was the end of it - he hanged up on her.
Nel was determined, she couldn't give up now. She redialled quickly.
The same old voice picked up, "Hello?"
"I think we got disconnected." Nelly said pleasantly, remembering that flies like honey. "I'm trying to reach Harry."
"Are you deaf and dumb, girl? He. Ain't. Here." The old man articulated slowly. "Now quit calling."
He hanged up again, and Nelly stared in disbelief at the phone receiver she was holding.
She dialled Jax. "Hey, listen, do you ever get through to Harry?"
"Not really. His gramps is sort of senile. He always tells me Opie's not there. If he's around at the time, he'll take the phone from the old man. I guess gramps is telling the truth." He gave a sigh, as Nelly silently contemplated this information, and then added, "It's usually Harry calling me, late at night. Try again later, Nel."
She paced nervously for the next half an hour, trying to distract herself with a book and watching TV, but she couldn't take the wait. She dialled Harry again. This time a woman picked up, and Nelly recognized the voice just from the greeting.
"Hello Mrs. Winston..."
The woman cut her off, "I'm not Mrs. Winston anymore."
Well, that wasn't a very good start, thought Nel and tried again, "It's Nelly, from Charming. I'd like to speak with Harry."
"And I would like a million dollars. We don't always get what we want."
Nelly had no idea how to reply, and even if she did, Mary didn't give her a chance, "Don't call again. He's happy here, doesn't need Charming filth dragging him down." Then she hanged up.
Nel was loosing hope fast. At that rate, she'd never get through to Harry. It reminded her of the way Donna's family kept pushing her away. The most important relationships in her life have fallen apart, people she cared most about were keeping her at arm's length. Nel pushed the pain of it out of her mind as she tried to reason it out: was Harry there and refusing to take her calls or had he no idea she was calling? The uncertainty of it made made her feel stupid for even trying. This pathetic, desperate attempt to get in touch with him got her nothing but a heartache, and it had to stop.
Instead of thinking about it, Nelly started cleaning her room furiously, folding clothes, sorting books, vacuuming and dusting. When her room was done and her anxious, restless energy still not spent, she moved on to cleaning the kitchen, and then the rest of aunt Linda's house. A couple of hours later she was exhausted, but still overwrought with the same weariness and doubts. She tried to sleep, but she couldn't. To keep her fingers busy, while her mind tried to untangle this emotional mess, Nel started stringing endless bead bracelets. She made a loop after loop of colourful tiny glass spheres well into the night, the phone sitting by her side, a silent companion. Jax's word came back to her, he calls me late at night. Nelly glanced at her old-fashioned, round alarm clock. It was half past midnight. Acting on impulse, she reached out and dialled again.
This time, she heard a familiar, low voice, "Hello?"
"Harry?" Relieved breath swished out of her, almost making her giggle. She couldn't believe her luck.
"Nelly?" He asked disbelieving, his voice awake.
"Yes, it's me." She smiled, closing her eyes, soaking in his elusive presence.
The silence stretched and a lead ball formed in Nel's stomach. She was right, calling Harry was a mistake. Nel felt gutted and ready to hang up. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have called..."
"No, please don't think that," he interrupted her quickly, words tumbling out. "It's good to hear your voice... I'm the one who's sorry... I didn't think you'd want to talk to me, after the way I left..."
"Of course I'd want to talk to you. I'm sure you had your reasons... I'm calling because there's something I wanted to tell you, something I should have said before you left..." Nelly stopped herself. She remembered what Jax said about it hurting too much, but she wanted – needed - to understand Harry before she continued. "Why did you leave this way, Harry?"
She heard him take a deep breath, as if preparing for a lengthy explanation, "I didn't want to drag it out, saying goodbye, Nel. I don't know if I'd be able to go otherwise. You are...", but before he got a chance to say more, the other extension clicked in.
It was his mother. "Harry? What are you doing on the phone at this ungodly hour?"
"I'm talking to a friend," he was clearly annoyed, but making an effort to be polite, "Please get off, mom."
"Who is it? Jax?"
"Yes, Jax. Now get off."
"Not so fast. So how is your mother, Jackson?"
"Fine, it's not Jax." Harry's voice slowed down to an angry growl.
"Oh, it's that girl... I told her to quit calling."
"She called before?" Harry was outraged.
"I'm going to show you who wears the pants in this house, boy," said Mary and hanged up.
"I'm sorry, Nel..." Was all Harry managed to say before the line went dead. Nelly redialled right away, and kept trying for the next hour, but there was only a busy signal. Harry was unreachable. It's been a long time since Nelly felt so alone and lonely. The tears came unabated and she all she could do is hug her pillow and cry, while her heart shattered into a thousand little pieces.