~MDE~

Chapter 27

I once dreaded the night. You see, darkness meant my mind could wander. That another day had passed without my love, and the nightmares would soon be coming. Tonight though, well, tonight will be different; as darkness falls over the blanket of pure white snow, I find myself not draped in nightmares, but the warmth and love of Edward.

It had been a great day with the girls, and Edward was now telling me what was said while I was in the shower. I was hesitant to leave him with the girls, but he assured me he would be fine. "The girls are really protective. I swear they waited for you to be gone before they pounced on me."

"What do you mean? What did they say?"

"It was nothing bad. They just drilled me for the details again. They wanted to make sure I was being honest in what happened and it wasn't sick joke I was playing. They really put in perspective how much pain you were in."

"Please let's not talk about this again."

"I know you don't want to, but I think we will need to keep talking about it. You went through something no one should have to go through, and then find out I'm alive. You have to admit it is quite a shock on one's system."

"I know, and we will, but I just want to be happy right now. Yes, the last few months were incredibly hard, and I never hope you have to go through that, but I just need to live right now. Were they at least polite?"

"Yes. They love you a lot, Bella. I can't tell you how much it puts me at ease to know they were with you. I'm just sorry you had to go through it in the first place."

~MDE~

I rush to get home to Edward. God, I never thought I would ever get that, but here I am going home to the man I love. It's been three days since I found out he is alive. I know I'm on the verge of a breakdown, but I'm just too happy. Will I be ready for when it comes? Who knows, but I know the shock will wear off soon, and the emotions will flood my mind. How can it not? Edward and the girls watch me closely, and I know what they are looking for. Everyone is waiting for when I snap; when everything comes into perspective, and I realize what has happened. Will it happen today, or next week, or maybe when I have to say goodbye. I just hope they are here to help me through it.

Walking in the door, I smile. I can't wait for what we have planned. Edward decided to stay home for a nap while I went shopping. We will make dinner together and then go bowling. I stop in the kitchen, put the groceries away, and go on a hunt to find Edward. I'm hoping he is still napping as I have come to secretly watching him sleep. I stare at him for hours just watching him breathe. It's my way of proving to myself that he is here, and it's not a dream.

As I turn the corner to the hall, I hear him talking. I know I should turn away, but at the sound of my name, I stop.

"Bella went to the store."

"I'm so glad you found her."

I realize he has the phone on the speaker, but I'm not sure who he is talking to.

"Mom, I'm scared."

"Why, baby?"

"She spent so many months thinking I was dead, and she is acting like it never happened."

"Honey, she's happy you are alive."

"You didn't see the pain in her face. I did. I sat here as she told me what happened. I saw the love, fear and pain. I spent my time counting the days until I could surprise her. Do you know how she spent hers? She…She spent her time grieving me. She thought I was dead, Mom, and had no way to find out how, or even say goodbye. How can I make up for that?"

"Baby, it's not your fault. I know that doesn't help, but you need talk to her. It's a lot to take in for both of you."

"I know that, but other than that first night, she refuses to talk about it. It can't be good. I can't close my eyes at night without seeing her hurting. I get these images of what it must have been like for her, and it kills me inside. It hurts so much, and I don't how to make it better for me or her. I love her, Mom. I love her more than I ever thought possible, and it scares the shit out of me, and now, she won't talk about it."

"Maybe she is just not ready."

"It's just that I don't have much time here, and I need to know she will be okay when I go back overseas. I know she wants to take everything in, but I can't take the silence. Sure we talk, but I don't how she is feeling, deep down."

He's right. I haven't thought about that. I refuse to talk about any of it. There has been too much pain, and I just want to be happy.

"You need to talk to her. She needs to know that you are there for her; that we are there for her. I know how much she means to you, and just by that, she means the world to me as well. It breaks my heart knowing you are both going through this. You need to remember one thing; she is getting over the fact that you are alive. There are so many emotions she must be going through at this time. You are also going through a lot. You walked into a situation neither of you were prepared for. She has…in a way… had months to deal with her emotions, and this is all new on you. You were expecting nothing but happiness, yet you were given a girl who was not whole. Instead of jumping headfirst into your lives together, you both have to deal with broken emotions. There is much to deal with and not only alone, but together. You need to talk. Have you done anything yet to make sure this never happens again?"

"I'm already adding her to my list of emergency contacts. Hell, I even…"

"Edward, what did you do?"

"I asked her to marry me."

"You did what?" her voice raises a few octaves, and I'm not entirely sure if it's in anger or excitement.

"I know. I was so caught up in emotion that I just spit it out there."

"Edward Anthony Cullen, I raised you better than that. Please tell me this is a joke, and you did not ask that girl to marry you under those circumstances? What were you thinking…wait, what did she say?"

I want to move into the doorway and watch him, but I don't want him to see me either.

"She said no."

"I'm sorry, Edward, but you have to know…"

"I know. It was not the right time. I meant it though. I want her for my life Mom, she is it. I just hope that the next time I ask her, she will say yes."

"Tell me more about her."

"She is perfect. I know I told you about her in my letters, but it is so much better in person. Her soul is kind and strong. She cares so much. She is amazing both inside and out. I always wanted what you had with Dad, and I found it Mom, I found the one girl, I want everything with, and I'm afraid I'm not enough."

Not enough? How could he think that? He is everything I have ever wanted.

"I hurt her so bad, and I can't help but think she won't want this life. There will always be a risk that I won't come home, and I wonder if after knowing first hand just how bad it can get, she won't want to take that risk with me. I love her Mom, I mean, really love her. She is my life now. I've tried to picture a life without her, and no matter how hard I try, I can't. You know how I think. I will only get married once, and it's her. I know that she is strong enough to live this life, but I'm afraid that she won't think she is. That she will just walk away; I mean, who would want to take that risk? She spent so long thinking I was never coming back, and the next time it could be true. Why would she want to put herself through that, knowing just how much it would hurt?"

"Tell her. You need to tell her exactly how you feel. I know she may not be ready to talk about her feelings yet, but tell her yours. Let her know that you are just as scared. I can tell you that from all the years I've spent with your father, I have learned a thing or two. Honesty and communication are the two things you must have. There will be times when this hurts one or both of you, but you cannot grow together without them. I know you are a strong man, but open up to her. Show her where you stand and how you feel. Give her time to let it settle, and when she is ready, she will talk to you."

"I know. I just don't want to scare her away, and I don't know how I would manage without her."

I hear the sudden change in his voice, and I can no longer stand still. Moving to the doorway, I look at the man before me. He has the phone in his lap, his face resting in his hands, and it breaks my heart when I notice him wiping the tears falling from his eyes. I move to enter the room when he speaks again.

"Mom, I don't know how I am going to go back. How do I leave her here? I love her so much it hurts. Hell, I'm sitting her on her bed, surrounded by everything of hers, crying like a baby. When I think about what I put her though my chest tightens, and it's hard to breathe. I never set out for this to happen when I started writing her, but I fell in love…hard. Now that I have held her in my arms, I can't let her go, Mom. How do I leave her knowing what happened? How do I go back there and do my job without worrying about her at home? I just don't know what to do."

"Edward, listen to me close. You talk…"

I move my hand to wipe my own tears, and it catches his attention.

"Mom, look, I got to go. Bella just got home, and I think you are right. I'm going to tell her everything."

"Okay, dear. Please give her a hug for me; I can't wait to meet her. If you need me, you know where to find me."

I watch as Edward hangs up the phone, and we just look at each other. I knew he felt awful about what happened, but I never realized it went so deep. The moment his arms open for me, I'm embraced into them. We hold each other tight and cry.

"I'm ready to talk now, I say into his chest.

He leans back, and once we can see each other; we slowly wipe the other's tears.

"Good. Let's go into the living room. This room is a bit too distracting."

I giggle as we walk hand in hand to the living room. He sits sideways on the couch leaning against the armrest. I sit next to him, facing him, our knees touching.

"Okay, do you want to start?" I ask.

"I know you don't want to hear it, but I'm sorry. I know that I never sent that letter intentionally, but I feel responsible. How much did you hear of my call?"

"I'm sorry about that. I didn't mean to eavesdrop, but it was like I was frozen there. I heard quite a bit."

"It's okay, love. It's nothing that I would not have said to you. I don't want to push you, but I'm nervous. I don't how you will react when I have to leave, and I don't think I could go without knowing you were okay."

"I know, and I'm assuming that it will hit me, but I have had so much pain, that I just want to bask in the joy of being with you."

"Okay, so what do you say we stay in tonight and just talk? We get it all out and get it over with."

"Okay."

"So, I know you heard a lot, but I meant it. I love you. I thought I knew what love would feel like, but I was wrong. I don't know how to begin to tell you what you mean to me."

"I love you too, Edward. I never expected to find this when I started this project, but I'm so glad I did. I'll be honest, when I thought I had lost you before I even found you, it hurt. I felt like a piece of me died as well. I felt like so much had been taken away from me."

"I know that you said no, and as much as it hurt, I'm glad you did, but I need you to know that you are it for me. There will never be anyone else. I want you forever."

"I know I hurt you, and it hurt me a bit too. I wanted to say yes, but it was not the right time. I want you forever too. I told you I had already been daydreaming about it when I got your letter. Please don't worry about me when you are over there. I would hate for something to happen because you were focused on me."

"Bella, I will always worry about you, the same way you always worry about me. That will never change."

"Okay, so what else can we do to put both our minds at ease?"

"Give me your phone."

I hand him my phone and watch as he types away at the keys.

"Okay, you now have all my phone numbers, programed, as well as my parent's, Emmett's, and Jasper's. I will also make sure that they all have your numbers as well. You will be added to my list of emergency contacts as soon as I get back. This way there were will never be any doubts about what happens. I will also make sure to buy extra blue envelopes, so that there is no mistake on what letter needs to be mailed. I will also not write them last minute."

"Thank you."

We talk well into the night, bowling all but forgotten. It was a talk that I had been putting off, but by the time we fell into bed, I was glad that we had it. The room felt lighter, and there was no longer a weight on my shoulders. We both decided to take each day as it comes, and to talk it out. We both promised not to hold things back, no matter how much we may think it was protecting the other. We promised to be honest at all times.