Late Night Encounters 13 ~Reality
Taking a deep breath, I stepped out the doors and into the California sun, spotting Rose's red convertible immediately and taking the few steps to the car. Once I was inside, she abruptly pulled away from the curb, causing me to grip the armrest firmly. I could tell from her body language that she was waiting for me to start talking, but I had no idea where to begin. Who was Edward? Well, that was a loaded question if I ever heard one. How could I explain it and not appear crazy... or crazier?
Edward is the man I met online a few months ago, who I'm pretty sure I'm madly in love with, just didn't seem to help quell the craziness factor. Admitting to being in love in a conventional relationship this quickly would cause even the most liberal eyebrows to rise, let alone our relationship. Yet, I couldn't imagine any other way to explain the way I was feeling, the horrible ache of being so far away from him.
"I'm not going to tell Alice," Rose spoke suddenly, her eyes fixed on the road in front of her. "Or your dad. It's not my place. But Bella, why didn't you just tell us? It's like you're ashamed of it or something, and that's not the least bit reassuring."
I glanced over at her briefly before gazing back out the window. On reflection, I realized that was exactly how I'd acted, both in the past and at the airport. However, of all the ways I'd imagined anyone finding out about Edward, a misdirected text messages was not one of them. I'd wanted to be fully prepared to face it, not blindsided by an abrupt confrontation. And having it happen with Rose probably wasn't the best case scenario.
"I'm not ashamed. It's just hard to explain," I replied, hugging myself tightly around the waist.
"Why don't you try me?" she retorted tensely through clenched teeth, finally looking over to me for the first time.
"Because you'll freak out and I'd rather not do it while you're driving," I tried to reason with her to buy me at least a little more time to collect my thoughts.
"I'm not the freak-out queen. That would be Alice. And why would we freak out, anyway? We've been trying to get you out there meeting people for ever now," she rambled, pressing her palms against the steering wheel as her fingers flexed.
Rip the band-aid off, Bella.
"I kinda met him online," I said quickly, giving a slight yelp when her hands abruptly gripped the steering wheel and her horn blared as her thumbs hit the buttons. "No freaking out, remember?"
Yet her silence was even more unnerving than her screaming would have been. Her face was emotionless as she took deep controlled breaths, giving no indication of her reaction. Her head suddenly tilted from side to side and her hands moved to grip the top of the steering wheel. Taking a deep breath, I prepared myself for the onslaught.
"Okay, so you're telling me," Rose began, speaking in a slow, measured tone. "That you just flew across the country to meet a complete stranger you came across on the internet. By yourself?"
"And you ask me why I didn't tell you?" I replied with a heavy sigh of frustration. "He's not a 'complete stranger'. It's not like that."
Rose's eyes widened slightly at my outburst, but I was beyond tired of hiding and lying. The means by which we met was quickly becoming irrelevant, overshadowed by the week we'd just spent together. I'd never been as happy as Edward made me, and I loved him. Nothing else mattered more than that.
"How long has this been going on?" Rose asked after a moment, clearing her throat and glancing over to me briefly.
"A few months. Since the night I went to that party with you and Alice," I replied with a careless shrug.
"You went online looking for a man while you were smashed?" Rose exclaimed with wide eyes and then let out a chuckle. "Oh, this is classic. But then again, I guess that does beat Eric Yorkie."
"Not exactly my crowning moment, but yeah," I laughed nervously, nodding as I adjusted myself in the seat. "I really don't know what I was thinking in my alcohol induced insanity, but it turned out to be the best thing I've ever done."
We drove in silence for a while and I observed her face as she was obviously processing what I'd just told her. Yet, I already felt a huge burden lifted from my shoulders, instantly feeling lighter. For the first time, Edward didn't feel like some dirty little skeleton buried deep in the back of my proverbial closet. The prospect of being able to talk about him, even if only to one person, was refreshing. More of a relief than I'd ever imagined.
Rose drew in a deep breath as we pulled to a stop outside my apartment building, shutting off the car and looking over to me after a moment. "You really could have just told us, you know. I mean, people do this all the time, right?"
"Yeah, I guess," I replied softly, nodding as she repeated Edward's logic and my eyes rose to meet her gaze. "But would you have let me go to New York this week?"
"Not a fucking chance in hell," Rose scoffed with a laugh, shaking her head. "Not without one of us there with you. I don't care how common it is. You are still our friend and there's always the chance of him being a complete nut job."
"That's just one of the many reasons why. I really needed this time with him," I said softly, looking down to my lap. "It's hard to explain, but there was just no way that Edward could be a psycho. He's just ... so great."
"Well, how about we go upstairs, make some coffee and you can tell me all about this 'great Edward' before I have to go meet Alice," she replied, reaching into the back seat for my carry-on and exiting the car before I could even respond.
Here goes nothing.
x-x-x
"Holy shit, Bella," Rose exclaimed from the couch as I poured two cups of coffee in the kitchen, her wide eyes locked on the screen of my phone. "I think I'm gonna need a link to that website if there's men like this on there."
"I think I just got lucky, Rose," I laughed nervously, praying that she wouldn't press the matter. "And you've never had problems in that area, unlike some of us."
"Yeah, right," she scoffed as I settled beside her, folding my legs under me as I took a sip of coffee, and she held the phone out to me. "Did I mention 'holy shit!'?"
Glancing at the screen, Edward's smiling face stared back at me. My heart constricted from missing him, but the corners of my mouth lifted slightly as I gazed at him, while also amused by her reaction. "The picture doesn't do him justice. Believe me."
"Well then, be still my beating heart because he is fucking gorgeous. And a doctor at that?" she replied, turning the phone back to her and shaking her head in disbelief. "Guess I'd want to keep him all to myself, too."
"That wasn't why, but yeah, I was pretty speechless myself when I first saw him," I smiled shyly, setting my mug on the table. "And even that was through a webcam, which never gives a truly accurate display."
"Webcam, huh?" Rose smirked suggestively, handing my phone back to me and I felt the heat building in my face. "So, what the hell is he still doing in Chicago? Or better yet, how did you even get on that plane? If that was in New York, believe me, I would not be three thousand miles away. I'd still be tapping that—"
"Rose," I groaned, burying my face in my hands while she laughed beside me. Suddenly, it seemed as if maybe Alice would have been the better person to find out about this. Taking a deep breath and composing myself, I let my hands fall and glanced over to her again. "It's only been a few months. We can't just uproot our lives yet. I still have another semester left of school, and he's got his job. It's not that simple."
"Bullshit. You love him, right?" she replied and I took a deep breath, nodding slowly. "And he loves you?"
"I ... I don't know. I mean, we haven't really discussed anything like that," I mumbled, shaking my head with my eyes downcast, picking at a loose thread on the couch.
"Wait a minute," she exclaimed sharply, turning in her seat to face me fully. "That text was the first time?"
"Yeah, kinda."
"Are you crazy?" she asked, smacking her hand on her forehead. "You best thank your lucky stars that it went to me instead, then. That is the absolute worst way to tell someone how you feel. Why didn't you just tell him in New York?"
I sighed heavily, tears forming in my eyes as I realized that she was right. If Edward had actually received that text, I would've appeared like the biggest coward in the world. "I wasn't thinking, Rose. I guess I was scared. I've never felt this was about someone before. He's just so amazing, I don't want anything to ruin it. I know he cares about me, but what if it's not like that for him yet?"
Rose pressed her fingers to her temple and closed her eyes, taking a long draw of breath. "Okay. So, you've met this 'amazing' man, who brought you to New York on a moment's notice, for New Year's Eve, no less. Treated you like a fucking queen for an entire week, from the sounds of it." She paused, opening her eyes to look at me and I nodded in agreement. "And in your words, gave you the most incredible time of your life, and I don't think we're just talking about skipping through the tulips here. And you're really worried about how he feels about you? Now?"
"It's kinda fast, isn't it? Even if we'd been dating face to face all this time, we would still be in the epic male freak-out stage of our relationship," I replied with wide eyes, slightly astonished by her response.
"Bella, there's no set time scale for these kinds of things. They just happen. And if you really love him, he deserves something much better than an impulsive text message," she said pointedly, her eyes gesturing to my phone sitting between us. "A man like that certainly wouldn't need to travel halfway across the country for sex."
"Rose!" I gasped, my eyes widening even more and my cheeks flushing.
"Do you really think I'm stupid? I can't imagine that you spent night after night in a hotel room with this sinfully handsome man, playing checkers," she replied, rolling her eyes dramatically. "Besides that, it's so obvious."
"What? How?"
"When was the last time you got laid before this, Bella? I rest my case," she said before I could reply, and I rested back heavily on the couch. "You have been so uptight since the day I met you, and now you're just ... different. You're far too relaxed, especially given this situation here. Telltale sign of a woman who's had her body properly worked."
"So, what's your point, Rose?" I sighed exasperatedly in an attempt to sway her away from that particular topic.
"My point is," she started, leaning her arm on the back of the couch. "If that was all he wanted, he could have easily gotten that in Chicago, without the expense of a last minute trip to New York, during the holidays. You need to tell him, Bella. You two are planning on seeing each other again soon, right?"
"Yeah. Well, I mean, I'm hoping to get out to Chicago for Spring Break," I replied, trying to shrug it off casually.
"Oh no, that won't do. You need to clear this up before then. Can you call him?"
Looking down at my watch, I shook my head and ran my free hand through my hair. "No, he's still got a few more hours on the road. But he's supposed to call when he gets home."
"Perfect. Gives you time to prepare then," Rose smiled, lifting herself off the couch and grabbing her purse.
"What, tonight?" I exclaimed, watching her as she walked toward the door.
"Grab the bulls by the horn, Bella. You were ready to tell him in that text, so what's the problem?" she replied over her shoulder and I rose from the couch to see her out. Stepping out into the hallway, she paused momentarily and turned back to face me. "But don't you dare think you are going to Chicago alone. I'm going to meet Mr. Wonderful and see with my own two eyes the man who successfully swept my best friend off her feet, where so many others have failed."
"Rose," I groaned in a warning tone.
"Don't worry, I am quite positive they have hotels in Chicago," she retorted sarcastically, rolling her eyes. "I may be glad you're finally getting some, but I do not want to listen to it."
EPOV
Once I got Emmett to shut up about my sudden revelation, I was finally allowed to focus on the task at hand; getting home to call Bella.
Although I was slightly nervous about the frame of mind she would be in following her talk with her friend, I was also anxious to hear her voice again. Em had told me, in no uncertain terms, that I was an idiot for allowing her to board that plane without telling her how I felt about her, and I honestly couldn't have agreed more. I had three months before I would have that opportunity again, and I wasn't sure that I could wait that long. Nor should she have to. I'd have to resort to the next best thing.
The webcam. I needed to see her face when I told her exactly how much she meant to me, and for her to see me.
With images of her beautiful face running through my mind, I reached over to turn the radio up and began scanning through the stations. Just as quickly, I shut it off completely, as it wasn't serving to distract my mind as I'd hoped; in fact, it only contradicted my attempts.
Hours passed slowly as I cruised along the seemingly endless highways until I finally crossed the border into Illinois. My eyes were growing heavy and I rolled my windows down to allow the stinging cold air to shock me back into full alertness.
When I finally pulled into my spot in front of my building, I turned off the car and leaned back in the seat. Closing my eyes for a moment, I could already feel the fatigue threatening to consume me. I shook my head abruptly, reaching for my phone in the passenger seat.
"Call Bella," I said into the phone, rubbing my eyes and then widening them to wake myself up.
"Hello, Edward," I heard her soft, beautiful voice come through and I smiled in response.
"Hi, baby," I replied, relaxing back into the seat again. For all my worrying about her demeanor when I finally called, I was relieved to hear her calm—even if a little tired—her smile evident in her voice. "Everything alright?"
"Yeah, it's great. She was surprisingly laid back about it, especially for Rose. Once the initial shock of it all wore off," she chuckled and I couldn't help but return it.
"Good, I'm glad. I told you everything would be fine," I said calmly with a smile.
"Yeah, I know," she groaned playfully. "Rub it in a little more."
"Son of a bitch!" I exclaimed as the alarm of the car parked beside me began wailing, and I reluctantly opened my door.
"Edward, where are you?" she asked in an amused tone.
"I was in my car," I replied with a wince, as the sound reverberated off the aluminum cover above me. Quickly grabbing my bag from the trunk, I headed into the welcome silence of the building.
"Couldn't wait until you were inside?" she teased and I rolled my eyes. "I'm glad. I miss you."
Her voice softened even more and took on an almost sad tone. My heart clenched in response as I entered my apartment and tossed my bag to the side. There was nothing I could really do to comfort her or take her mind off how far apart we were. I was finding difficulty doing so for myself, as well. "I miss you, too, Bella. I hope the next few months pass quickly."
"Same here," she sighed heavily and I heard the distinguishable creak of her settling onto her bed. Kicking my shoes off, I laid down myself, still fully clothed and unwilling to expend the energy to change. "I have no idea how I'm going to sleep tonight. You've ruined me."
We both laughed simultaneously and my eyes closed of their own volition, stifling a yawn behind my hand. As I rested my arm over my face, I could still smell her on my sleeve from holding her that morning in the hotel room. It had barely diminished in all the time since I'd left New York and I inhaled deeply, enjoying the small amount of comfort it brought me. Even with her thousands of miles away, she was still soothing me. "We have some damn good memories together, though."
"Mmm, I can agree with you there," she hummed contentedly. "And thank you for calling me, even though you sound absolutely exhausted. I feel much better knowing you're home safe. We're on for tomorrow at seven, right?"
My brow furrowed in confusion and then I ran my hand down my face, rolling my eyes at my momentary lapse in thought. It was time to return to our routine, meeting every night through technology rather than touch. "I'll log on as soon as I get home."
"Alright, get some sleep, baby," she said gently, and I smiled at the endearment that she rarely used while not in a sexual setting.
"I'll make it up to you tomorrow, I promise," I mumbled as I reached over to set my alarm and settled back into my bed.
She was silent for a prolonged moment and then whispered softly. "Goodnight, Edward."
x-x-x
Throughout the entire drive to work the next morning, my mind was racing. I'd dreamt of Bella, as I often did, but it was so much different. I'd woken up in the middle of the night with my heart racing and sweat beading on my forehead, as I attempted to clear the images from my mind. However, in spite of being exhausted, my mind would not succumb to sleep again as I ran every possible scenario through my head. I could still see her face from my dream as I told her I loved her, and then the screen going black.
I'd had every intention of telling Bella how I felt about her the night before, but the idea of telling her that I loved her for the first time in that exhausted state seemed wrong. I wanted her to know that it wasn't just some mindless declaration. Yet, particularly after the dream, I began wondering if it was too soon. If it would actually frighten her and cause me to lose the best thing that had ever happened to me. Glorious as it might have been, we'd only been face-to-face that one week. And I still wanted to be certain of what this meant to her before uttering the three seemingly simple words that would effectively change everything—one way or the other.
As I walked toward the doors of the ER, I spotted Emmett standing beside them with his arms folded over his chest and a wide grin on his face.
"Welcome back, Doc. Did you bring me anything?" he called out to me as I approached, his smile broadening more. "So what'd she say?"
I rolled my eyes as I passed him, moving inside to begin my day. "Good morning, Emmett."
"Uh oh," he replied, following me into the lounge. "You're crabby. That's never a good sign. What happened?"
"Nothing. I didn't tell her," I mumbled as I opened my locker to stow away my jacket and grab my white coat.
"What?" he exclaimed and I glared pointedly at him as I closed the door. "You're still going to, aren't you?"
"Of course, just not entirely sure when," I replied, hooking my stethoscope around my neck.
"Edward, all joking aside, you need to. You love her, right? What do you have to worry about?" Emmett asked, shaking his head.
"How about it not being reciprocated? Ever think about that?" I retorted sharply, my jaw tensing as I made my way out of the room and down the hall toward my office.
I felt his heavy arm resting across my shoulders as he caught up to me. "With everything you told me yesterday about your trip and her, I'm sure you're over-thinking things way too much. So, when am I gonna see a picture of this lovely lady?"
I sighed and shook my head with a slight laugh at his abrupt change of subject as we approached the office door. "The day after never, how's that work for you?"
"I'll get it out of you someday," he laughed, smacking my arm and continuing past the door. "Have a good day, Doc!"
Walking into my office, I settled back in my chair and stared at my desk as I powered up the computer. For the first time, I realized just how bare it actually was. Nothing personal on it that would distinguish it as mine from any other desk, aside from the thin brass plate at the front the read 'Dr. Edward Cullen, M.D.'.
Emmett's mention of the picture made me realize just how much I would enjoy even a small frame with her face staring back at me from it. To still have her there in some way; a reminder that she was actually part of my life, outside of a computer.
Before catching up on the emails I had missed, I glanced at the clock on the wall. It was only 5:30 in California; calling her was out of the question. Therefore, I opted for an email.
To:bella(dot)swan(at)ucla(dot)edu
Good morning, beautiful. Hope you have a good day, and can't wait to see you tonight. Miss you.
Edward
P.S. Could you email me the picture from your phone when you get a chance?
As I began to scan through the numerous emails that had accumulated during my week away, five more arrived in my inbox. However, the only one that stood out for me was one from Bella, with an attachment.
I can't tell you how many times I've looked at this myself. Have a good day. Miss you too.
Bella
Opening the attachment, the picture filled my screen and a smile crept across my lips as I gazed at her face. I could almost feel her arms around me and her head resting against my chest as I had that day; both comforting and making me ache from missing her even more, all at once.
After setting it as my background, I returned to my inbox to reply.
Thank you, baby. What are you doing up so early?
A quick perusal of the remaining messages showed nothing requiring my immediate attention, so I set about readying for my day. The computer chimed again and I leaned forward with my hand on the desk, and read the newest message.
Mike has the flu and work called me to cover. Are you on the floor yet?
I chuckled, pulling my phone from my pocket and dialing her.
"Well, I guess that answers my question," she laughed, answering after the first ring and I sat back down, enjoying the sound.
"I will be in a few minutes. What's up?" I asked, closing out of my email and staring briefly at the background one last time before shutting off my monitor.
"Nothing. Just wanted to hear your voice. Being awake before the sun is even fully up doesn't exactly rank high on my list of things that make for a good morning," she groaned tiredly.
"At least it will make the day pass more quickly," I replied encouragingly and she hummed in agreement. "However, I do need to get out there in a minute. You'll still be home tonight, right?"
"Of course, I get off at four. Why?" she asked, with an almost worried tone to her voice.
"Just making sure. I really need to talk to you tonight," I said seriously, as I stood and walked to the door.
"Okay," she replied hesitantly and I heard her draw in a deep breath. "Is everything alright?"
"Yeah, everything is fine," I sighed as the conversation I needed to have with her began bombarding me. Finding myself hoping more fervently that she felt this longing that I did, that she needed me even a fraction of how much I needed her. "I'll call you when I get home."
"Okay, I'll talk to you later," she replied nervously.
"It's nothing to worry about, Bella," I said gently, knowing that she was probably running every worst-case scenario through her mind as we spoke. "Bye, baby."
x-x-x
The day seemed to take an eternity to pass before I was finally able to leave for the evening, leaving plenty of time for my thoughts to wander. How was I going to approach it with her? We'd already had a similar conversation several weeks before, and in many ways, it seemed as if we would just be rehashing everything all over again.
However, a lot had changed since then, as well. Not only had we physically touched, but also, I'd had emotions evoked in me that I had never experienced with any other woman. I was in love with her; there was no doubt in my mind about that. And with that came the accompanying fear, as my subconscious had clearly delineated in my dream the night before.
Many conflicting thoughts had been racing through my mind all day long. There were countless moments over the course of our week together that I had seen hints of her feelings for me; her adoring gazes, her beautiful smile as she looked at me and even her tears as we said goodbye.
However, the devil's advocate part of me kept insisting that while she may miss and care about me, it didn't necessarily mean that her feelings matched the depth of mine. And the last thing I wanted was to push her away.
My heart began racing as I stepped into my apartment, staring across the room at the computer. Looking down at my watch, I saw that I was already a few minutes late for the call, as I'd been caught up in last minute details at the hospital that night. So, I bypassed the kitchen and moved immediately to my desk, to the more pressing need at the moment; talking to Bella.
The instant the computer booted fully, I reached for my headset to call her, but as with so many instances in the past, she beat me to it.
"Hey, how was your day?" I asked as I settled into my chair, leaning back to relax.
"Very long," she laughed humorlessly and then sighed. "So, what did you want to talk about?"
"Bella," I started, running my hand through my hair. "You didn't spend all day worrying about this, did you?"
"Did you really expect me not to?" she replied seriously, and her face suddenly appeared on my screen as she turned on her webcam and I immediately followed suit.
"Baby, I told you there was nothing to worry about," I said, mentally kicking myself for causing her any kind of distress, as I apparently had.
"Well, it sounded pretty important. Is it about us?" she asked softly, her eyes falling into her lap and fidgeting slightly in her chair.
I sighed heavily at the sight of her distraught face, wishing once again that I could be there to hold her and ease any fear she might have. Yet, I needed to be honest as well. "In a sense, yes."
She nodded without raising her eyes, her arms hugging around her waist. "So, what's wrong?"
"Nothing is wrong, Bella. Look at me," I replied gently and her gaze slowly lifted to meet mine. "I had an amazing time with you last week."
"But ..." she whispered quietly, drawing in a deep breath. "You've changed your mind about Chicago?"
"No 'but', and I definitely have not changed my mind about Chicago. I just did a lot of thinking while I was driving home," I continued and she remained silent as she gazed at me expectantly. "New York changed a lot for me, and I'm hoping it's the same for you, as well." I ran my hand over the back of my neck nervously. "I guess what I'm trying to say is that I think we need to discuss where we are now."
She let out a heavy breath and ran her hands over her face. "God, you scared me. That was definitely not what I thought this was about. But I've been thinking along the same lines."
"Have you?" I asked in surprise and she nodded with a soft laugh. "And what exactly have you been thinking?"
"That I never thought it was possible to miss someone this much. That this won't be enough for you now," she replied, biting her lip gently. "That I've never been as happy in my life as I was this last week with you, and now, I'm even more terrified of losing it. Of losing you."
I released a heavy breath of relief as she echoed every thought I'd had in the last twenty-four hours. At the very least, we were on the same page there. "You're not losing me, baby. I can't even begin to imagine my life without you."
"I guess we really do have a talk coming, huh?" she chuckled nervously, straightening slightly in her chair. "I've actually been wanting to since I got home. Guess I've just been afraid of your reaction."
I watched as she bit down lightly on her thumbnail, her gaze once again averted from me. "Bella, you can talk to me about anything."
She reached for the water bottle in front of her and took a long drink, licking her lips as she screwed the cap back on. "You know that text I sent yesterday that accidentally went to Rose? Well, it wasn't exactly 'nothing'."
My eyes widened as I began wondering exactly what that text could have entailed that would've caused a reaction such as the frantic phone call from the airport.
Her eyes rose and she laughed softly, most likely at my expression. "It wasn't anything like that. It might have actually been easier to explain if it had been, in retrospect."
"Then what?" I asked curiously.
"Well," she began hesitantly, bringing both her knees to her chest and hugging them against her. "A lot changed for me in New York, too. A lot. Being with you every day, seeing more of the man underneath. It sounds so lame, saying that out loud, but it made me view you so much differently."
She shook her head and paused, resting her chin on her knees and finally looked back to me.
"I can't be without you, Edward. I know it sounds crazy, but I'm in love with you."
My breath halted as hers released heavily with her statement, and my eyes widened more. "What?"
"I know, I know, it's too soon. And I don't expect you to say it back, but I needed to and—"
"Bella," I cut her off mid-word, her lips still parted as she froze. "That's what the text said?"
She sighed heavily, lifting her phone into her hands and began scrolling. A moment later, my phone buzzed in my pocket and I retrieved it to find a forwarded text message from Bella.
I love you, Edward. ~B
I was stunned speechless as I stared at the simple words on the screen of my phone, causing my heart to pound in my chest and a smile to tug at my lips. She loved me.
Glancing up, I saw her forehead resting on her knees, hiding her face from my view. Hitting reply, I typed a simple message in return.
Bella, look up.
I heard her phone ring through the mic and she turned her head to the side to read, before finally bringing those beautiful, tear-filled eyes to meet mine.
"I love you, too," I whispered softly, and after a moment, a smile formed on her lips. "So much."