Late Night Encounters 19 ~ Past Demons
EPOV
I felt sick. My stomach dropped out and I couldn't breathe, my heart stilled and I could almost feel the blood drain from my face. My mother's concerned voice sounded garbled and distant, even though she was standing right beside me and I could feel her hand on my face. Rose kept calling out my name, but my response froze in my throat.
Bella was hurt… in a hospital… thousands of miles away. When she was supposed to be there in Chicago, safe with me… until I recklessly destroyed everything.
"Doc, come on. Snap out of it!" Emmett yelled through the phone and my vision came back into focus.
"Emmett, what the hell happened?" I asked urgently, finally locating my voice again. "Is she alright? Is it serious?
"Don't know much, yet. Rose just got the call from the hospital maybe two hours ago, since she was on Bella's emergency contact list. We're on our way to LA now," Emmett replied, attempting to keep a calm tone as he explained, but I could hear the hint of irritation beneath, something very foreign to my ears. "She's not talking, won't tell anyone what happened. All they know is what they got from the neighbors who called the ambulance, and that's not a hell of a lot, either. She just keeps asking for you."
Guilt rushed through me even more powerfully than before. After everything that had transpired between us in the days prior, I would have thought I'd be the last person she'd want or need. I should have been on the first flight I could catch to LA the night before, whether she'd have wanted me there or not. Even if she refused to see or talk to me, I'd have been there by then; maybe even prevented any of it from happening at all. "I'm on my way to the airport now. I'll be there as soon as I can."
"Edward, what the fuck happened?" he asked in a low, rough tone, almost a growl. "Why isn't she there with you?"
Apparently, Bella hadn't spoken to Rose at all about this.
"It's not the time. I gotta go," I replied distractedly, my mind only wanting to focus on getting to Bella.
"Call me as soon as you know when you're landing. We'll be in LA in a few hours, and heading straight for the hospital."
"Will do," I answered abruptly and ended the call, turning toward my mother, who was gazing at me in concern. "Bella's in the hospital in California, I have to go. Tell Dad I said bye."
After giving her a brief kiss on the cheek, I rushed to the door and grabbed my jacket, practically running down the front steps of the house toward my car. My heart was hammering against the walls of my chest and my breaths were coming so rapidly, I began to feel a little lightheaded – but nothing would keep me from getting to Bella. I began running on autopilot, all the way back to Chicago until I was standing at the terminal gate at O'Hare, waiting for the first flight to LA I could purchase, which was still an hour away.
Please, God, let her be all right. Even if it means she hates me forever, just please let her be okay, I chanted repeatedly in my head as I paced the floor, much to the annoyance of my fellow passengers seated around me. But I couldn't care less; I needed to be with her.
On more than one occasion throughout the four-hour flight, the attendant asked if I was sure I didn't want a drink. My fists clenched tightly at my knees and my leg was bouncing rapidly with the level of anxiety I was feeling, and in most cases, I would have said yes. However, each time she asked, I declined, wanting a clear head when I saw Bella again.
But more than that, I knew I didn't deserve even the minute release from the anguish I was feeling that I knew just one drink would supply me. I was the reason that Bella was in the situation she was, lying in a hospital bed, alone.
She was the best thing that ever happened to me, the one woman in this world who understood and had patience with me, and I let my own past and hang-ups take over and destroy everything. My mother was absolutely correct – she wasn't Tanya. That was one of the most appealing things about her from the very beginning.
I loved Bella with everything in me, and I'd never felt anything even close for Tanya. So why was I allowing just the memory of her to destroy everything I had with Bella.
Because you're an idiot and a coward, Cullen. Even your own mother verified that.
When we finally taxied into LAX, I wasted no time in hurrying off the plane and through the terminal in search of Emmett. I finally spotted him just outside the doors, earning several disgruntled remarks as I pushed past the group of travelers in front of me, desperate to make my way through to him.
"Emmett!" I yelled out as soon as I stepped outside and he turned to me, waving his arms out with an exasperated sigh. Hundreds of questions ran through my mind, but what mattered most was that she was okay, both physically and emotionally. She had to be all right. "How is she? Have you seen her?"
Emmett shook his head as he began leading me out toward the garage where he'd parked. "No, Rose had just gone in with Bella's dad right before I left to come get you. And would you mind giving me one good reason why I shouldn't beat your sorry ass this minute?"
Even as the question left him, I could see the barely restrained anger as his hand closed into a fist. After watching Emmett with Bella in Vegas, and with as quickly as she'd captured my heart as well, it shouldn't have surprised me that she would have his loyalty after only meeting her once.
"You'll have ample opportunity to do so later. Just please, let me see her first," I replied with a groan as I lowered into Rose's car.
"So, you are the reason she's back in LA. Son of a bitch," Emmett growled under his breath and started the car, shaking his head as he pulled out of the parking space. "What the fuck happened to my friend who was head over heels, crazy in love with this girl not even a week ago?"
"I made some mistakes, Emmett. Can we please just leave it at that?" I sighed, closing my eyes and pressing my fingertips to my temples.
"Well, you better fucking fix it, and fast. I've never seen you like that with anyone, even Tanya."
"Why does everything always come back to Tanya?" I snapped, even the sound of her name causing my frustration level to rise.
"Because you fucking lived with her, dude," Emmett replied, looking over at me briefly. "And whether you want to acknowledge it or not, what she did—"
"Is completely irrelevant right now. I need to see Bella," I interrupted him in a flat tone, my gaze remaining out the side window of the car as his foot pressed on the accelerator.
When we pulled up to the hospital, we found Rose pacing outside, brushing her fingers over her cheek. Panic settled in again and my body went rigid as I saw tears streaming down her face. I quickly stepped out of the car before it had even come to a full stop and began walking toward her.
Rose's eyes caught mine and her jaw clenched, storming toward me and smacking me hard across the jaw. "You fucking asshole! How could you let her come back here?"
"Rose. Baby, this isn't going to help anyone. Least of all, Bella," Emmett said calmly, rushing forward and taking her into his arms. He pressed his lips to her temple, but never took his eyes off me. "How is she?"
She sniffled as her head lifted from his chest, shaking it slowly as her glare returned to me. "She's banged up pretty bad. Broken wrist, cracked rib, bruises everywhere. She's got a pretty nasty lump on the back of her head from where she hit the pavement, but fortunately, no concussion. She still won't tell anyone exactly what happened, though, just keeps asking for him. Freaks out when anyone else tries to come near her, so they've had to sedate her."
My cheek stung from the impact of Rose's hand, but every other part of me remained numb as her statement settled in on me. Bella was in there somewhere, hurt and asking for me, and a new urgency took over me. "Rose, I have to see her."
Tears streaked down Rose's cheek as she gazed at me, her arm slowly dropping from around Emmett and she stepped closer to me, shaking her head. "I hope to God, for her sake, that whatever's crawled up your ass for the last few days extracts itself very soon. She deserves the man I met in Vegas on Friday, not this cold, emotionless bastard that's taken his place. Come on."
If I had appeared as Rose had just described, I couldn't imagine the pain it had to have caused someone who loved me as thoroughly as Bella had.
She turned suddenly on her heel and began walking toward the front doors of the hospital. After a brief glance at Emmett, I quickly followed her inside to the elevator. She remained stiff beside me with her arms folded over her chest, silent until we reached the fourth floor and she immediately called out to a man named Charlie.
Even if Bella had never mentioned his name to me in the past, there was no doubting when the man turned around that I was standing face to face with her father. She resembled him in countless ways, but most especially, the unique shade of his eyes. His posture stiffened as his gaze landed on me and I prepared myself for the wrath of this man, as he stared in the face of the reason for his daughter's hospitalization.
However, he only gazed over at Rose wordlessly. "Charlie, this is Edward."
His eyes returned to me sharply and he stepped closer, his features etched with pain. "I don't know who you are or what my little girl has to say to you," he said, his voice breaking twice as he spoke. His voice, the gravely tone added another notch to my anxiety. "But please, just get her to tell us what happened."
My gaze met Rose's and she shook her head before stepping toward Charlie, taking his arm and leading him back to the chair he had previously occupied. "I'll take him in to see her."
I watched her gently rub the back of his hand and he nodded, looking down into his lap. With all the stories that Bella had told me about her father, the broken man in front of me had been the last thing I had expected. Which only made me more fearful of Bella's actual condition.
Rose stood upright again and took my elbow, guiding me quickly down the hall without looking at me. "He doesn't know anything. It's not my place to tell him and should be saved for a later time, regardless."
"Rose," I strained out as I stopped, gently grabbing her wrist and she halted her steps. "Is she really that bad?"
She took a deep breath before turning to face me, her voice far calmer than I'd expected. "It looks a lot worse than it is, so far. But you have to understand, Bella is her father's baby, his entire world. He's always guarded her with his life, and seeing her like that sent his blood pressure skyrocketing. And we still won't have any real answers until Bella can tell us what happened."
I released her arm and rubbed my hands roughly over my face. I heard Rose's steps resume on the linoleum before coming to a stop a short distance away. My stomach tightened as I looked back up to find her nodding her head toward the door beside her. Drawing in a deep breath, I began moving toward her, my feet feeling like lead weights as my heart pounded painfully in my chest until I reached the door.
As I grabbed the handle, Rose gripped my arm tightly before I could open it. "Whatever you do, don't upset her. Or you'll find yourself becoming a patient here as well."
I nodded silently and she released her hold on me, and I slowly entered the room. My eyes landed on Bella and my hand rose to my mouth as I took in the sight of her. Oh, my beautiful Bella.
She lay motionless on the bed, her braced wrist resting limply at her side and her eyes staring aimlessly out the window. Bruises marred her beautiful face and her bottom lip swelled around the corner where it split. I looked up to the monitor beside her bed, watching and listening to the rhythmic beating of her heart. I felt helpless—there was nothing else I could do. All my years of medical training and experience, and there wasn't a damn bit of difference I could make. I was out of my element in the most familiar of environments, except for the occupant of that bed—and it was my fault she was there.
As I hesitantly began making my way toward the bed, her head lolled to the side to look at me.
"Edward," she spoke in barely above a whisper and I lowered myself into the chair beside her bed. Her voice was weak and she winced slightly as she attempted to move. "What are you doing here?"
I slid to the edge of my seat and rested my hand on her arm, shaking my head. "Just rest, Bella. Rose called and told me what was going on. How are you feeling?"
Bella closed her eyes and a tear trickled down her cheek. My fingers instinctively rose to wipe it away, but I stopped a few inches from her face, almost afraid to touch her. She surprised me when she slowly turned her head toward my hand and opened her eyes to look at me. "I should hate you right now."
I sighed and nodded, my gaze lowering to the floor. "I know."
"But I can't," she whispered and I looked up quickly when I felt her fingers rest gently on my hand, holding it lightly against her cheek. My eyes met hers to find more tears welling there and her lip trembling slightly. "I was so scared, Edward. So damn scared. They want me to talk, and I just can't. I'm not ready, I just..."
Her body began shaking with soft sobs and I stood to press my lips gently to her forehead. I pinched my eyes closed as her hand tightened around mine; it was as if I could feel her fear and pain through her touch. "Shh, just relax. No one's going to make you until you're ready. It's okay."
"I thought I was never going to see you again," she cried softly and I rested my forehead against hers.
"I'm here, Bella," I whispered, running my thumb along her cheek.
She gradually began to relax and her breathing slowed, her fingertips tracing along the back of my hand. "Why did you come?"
I lifted my head to gaze down at her and she looked up at me hesitantly. "Why wouldn't I?"
"Because things aren't right between us," she stated plainly, sadness returning to her eyes. "And I don't know if and when they ever will be."
I sat down on the edge of her bed, taking her hand into mine. "Bella, no matter what happens between us, I still love you. I'm always going to care and be here if you ever need me."
Her gaze held mine for a moment, skepticism heavy in her eyes. "I needed you yesterday. And the day before that... hell, all weekend," she replied as more tears began to form and my eyes fell again to watch the path of my thumb along the back of her hand. "And I need you now. But only if you want to be here with me."
I looked up to her again and the same heartbreaking expression had fallen over her features as that night in Chicago. Lifting her hand to my lips, I brushed a gentle kiss on the backs of her fingers and she squeezed my hand gently. "I don't want to be anywhere but here with you."
Bella released a slow, shaky breath and closed her eyes, her head falling to the side against the pillow. "I'm so tired, Edward."
"Get some rest. We can talk more later, when you're feeling up to it." I moved to stand and she gripped my arm, wincing again from the sudden movement. "I'm not leaving, I promise."
Her hold loosened on me and I sat beside her bed again. As she drifted off to sleep, I lightly caressed her hand with my fingertips, brushing occasional kisses over her knuckles as my eyes took her in more thoroughly.
Even without knowing exactly what had happened to her, I knew from all too much experience in the ER that injuries like that didn't come from a simple fall. Someone had hurt her, and it was entirely my fault for not being completely open with her. For not fighting harder to keep her from getting on that plane. For stupidly listening to that voice in the back of my mind to give her space. None of it would have happened if I'd hopped on a plane the night before and gone to LA to beg her forgiveness. Even in the worst of her anger, she would still be safe.
Bella's rest was fitful for hours, the strain in her brow increasing by the second until her eyes shot open with a yelp. Her fingers twitched in my hand until her gaze shot to mine, her breaths heavy, despite the pain it was causing her.
"Lights. Turn on the lights," she gasped frantically, and it was only then that I'd realized that it had become dark as night fell. "Please...oh God, please turn on the lights. T-too dark."
I rose to flip the switch above her bed and lowered to sit beside her hip. Tears streamed down her face as her eyes searched the room. "Just breathe, Bella. Look at me."
Her gaze met mine sharply and I felt her grip on my arm, pulling me closer to her until my forehead rested against hers. She took a deep shuddering breath, her gasps softening only minutely. "He didn't touch me, I swear. He tried... he tried... but he didn't... please, believe me..."
Her fingers dragged roughly along my cheek, her desperate, pleading tone both tearing at my heart and sending relief through me all at once. The bruises would heal, the bones would mend—something like that would have scarred her for the rest of her life. But the guilt in her eyes was more than I could take... so afraid. "Baby, it's okay. It's over."
"No, it's not," she whispered shakily, closing her eyes for a brief moment before looking up to me again. "I'm ready. I want this done, and I want to go home."
"You're sure about that? No one is rushing you, Bella," I replied, brushing her hair back from her face.
"I need to get out of here, and I want this over with and behind me. Please, just go get them," she said between clenched teeth, her breaths coming more quickly.
"All right. I'll go tell them," I reassured her softly, kissing her forehead.
"Edward?" she murmured before I could pull away and I looked down at her nervous gaze. "Stay with me? I can't do this alone."
Brushing my lips against her wrist, I nodded. "I'll be right here. I promise."
Bella relaxed back into the bed as I moved away and walked out of the room, meeting her father and Rose just outside the door. Their questioning gazes bore into me as they waited for me to speak, and I swallowed hard when I met their eyes, knowing what the following words would mean. "She says she's ready."
o~O~o
Just as dawn broke, the police arrived again to talk to Bella. I sat and listened to her recount every excruciating detail that she could remember of her attack, and the time leading up to it. With every word and tear, my heart broke for her, and even more so when I felt her hand tightening around mine.
Bella had woken early the morning before and decided to go out for a walk to clear her head. She was still upset about the events in Chicago, while never divulging to them the personal details of it beyond that we had an argument. She was a block away from her apartment building when someone grabbed her from behind and pulled her into a dark alley.
Her cries increased when they asked her to describe her attacker and she shook her head, her hand tightening on mine. "I don't know. Whenever I tried to look at him, he'd hit me. He had dark hair… denim jacket… smelled like cigarettes and some kind of alcohol. Deep voice. Very deep voice. Said he was going to kill me if I didn't stop screaming. But I couldn't. Everything hurt so bad. I can't remember anything else, I swear."
I sat beside her on the bed and slid my arm around her shoulders, trying to remain strong for her as her face rested against my chest with painful sobs consuming her again.
"I think we're done here. Mr. Cullen? A word?" one of the officers spoke to me, his gaze serious as he nodded toward the door.
Bella looked up at me abruptly and shook her head, her eyes wide as she held onto my arm with her good hand. "No."
"I'll be right back," I whispered against her hair and she secured her hold. "I'll send Rose or your dad in, but I'll be back before you know it."
I stood and followed the officers out of the room, where an unfamiliar voice and face met me.
"Whoa, who's this?" the petite woman froze as she gazed at me when I stepped out the door, then looked between Rose and Bella's father. "What is going on here? Bella's in the hospital, Rose is married, and now, strange men are stepping out of Bella's room?"
"It's Bella's boyfriend, Edward. Which you would know if you bothered answering your phone or responding to voicemails, or I don't know, letting us know that you're even alive over the last few months," Rose seethed bitterly, her glare cutting into the small woman, who I could only deduct was the infamous Alice.
"Ladies," Charlie spoke up, placing a hand on each of their shoulders and shook his head. "It's not the time or place for this."
"Can someone go in and sit with Bella for a few minutes? She really doesn't want to be alone," I said, looking between them all.
"I'll go. The last thing she needs is to be upset more," Rose replied, backing toward Emmett and taking his hand while never taking her eyes off Alice.
As they disappeared into Bella's room, the young woman turned to me with a sad gaze and offered me a weak smile. "I'm Alice. I came as soon as I could. I was in Texas. What's going on with Bella?"
"Edward," I replied with a brief nod and then turned my attention back to the officers.
They exchanged a glace, drawing in deep breaths before leading us all down the hall to the vacant waiting room, where one of them hesitantly began to speak.
"I wish we could say that we believed that this was an isolated incident, but we don't think that's the case. We've been seeing an increasing number of these attacks in the past few weeks, although this is the first one that's happened off campus, that we know of. Just this last week, we've had three reports of attacks strikingly similar to Miss Swan's," the officer explained, pausing as he sat down across from us and leaned forward on his elbows. "We believe it would be in her best interest if she did not go back to her apartment for a while. From what we've been able to conclude, the perpetrator doesn't give up after a failed attack. He returns to the scene, and now two of those three girls have become homicides."
Charlie's face blanched as his hands gripped the arms of the chair in which he sat, vehemently shaking his head until he finally stood. "No. She's coming home now. She should have never come here in the first place. She belongs in Washington with me, and her mother. And where were you?"
His sudden shift in attention to me took me off-guard, and I stared at him blankly. "Excuse me?"
"You heard me. You're the big new boyfriend that she's never mentioned to me, her mother, or one of her closest friends," he began, gesturing to Alice, whose eyes lowered as he spoke. "She wouldn't talk to anyone until you got here. Where the hell were you when all this was going on?"
I took a deep breath and swallowed hard, unprepared for the sudden interrogation. "I was home in Chicago, sir."
"I beg your pardon?" Charlie replied, his brow rising and his eyes widening.
I took a deep breath and ran my hand through my hair until the officer began to speak again. "I hate to interrupt, but she will be discharged soon so arrangements will need to be made fairly quickly."
"She'll be on a flight this afternoon," Charlie said abruptly, grabbing his phone out of his pocket and storming out of the room, mumbling under his breath the whole way out.
o~O~o
Bella was not entirely thrilled by the prospect of going back to Washington, nor did Emmett feel comfortable with his wife remaining in dorm housing after the information we'd acquired. He remained in LA with her while I accompanied Bella to Seattle, much to the discontent of her father. His eyes never left me as he sat across the aisle with her, positioned between us and blocking my view of her.
When we arrived at the Swan residence, I remained in the front room while Charlie carried Bella upstairs to her bedroom. The soft, indiscernible mumblings from above caused me to fidget, until the light-haired woman who'd greeted us upon our arrival, came back down the stairs and walked toward me. "You must be the Edward I'm hearing so much about," she said with a small smile, her eyes gesturing toward the ceiling in the direction of the voices. "I'm Bella's mother, Renee. You'll need to forgive my husband. I don't think she's ever grown past ten years old in his eyes."
Her hand gently rested on my arm for a moment before moving past me, gesturing for me to follow her into the kitchen. As I passed through the doorway, I found her already flitting about the room, setting mugs on the table. "It's a shame we haven't met you before this. You know Bella. Always so busy."
Although attempting to keep her voice light, the hint of tears was evident in her eyes as she poured the boiling water from the kettle into the mugs. Voices began to rise above us and we both looked up, unable to make out what was being said, but Bella's gradually got louder.
"She hates Forks, you know. That's why she went. This place was too small for her," Renee said, giving me a sad smile and shaking her head. "She's always been too much like me in that way, I guess. But I have Charlie here, something to stay for. I didn't want the same thing for her, her dreams were too big to ever be happy here. So I encouraged her to go, and now, look what's happened."
Her hand rose to cover her mouth as she lowered into the chair, suppressing the sob that was threatening to escape. I was speechless; I didn't know what to say, as I so rarely did to a crying woman. So I uttered the first thing that came to mind. "I'm sure Bella would have gone anyway. She's pretty determined like that."
Renee's eyes met mine and she released a sad laugh as tears spilled down her cheeks. "Yes, she really is, isn't she?"
Charlie appeared in the doorway and our gazes moved over to him. His entire body was tense as he finally looked at me, folding his arms over his chest. "She's asking for you."
I inhaled deeply as I stood and approached the doorway, her father holding his position there and preventing me from passing.
"You and I are gonna talk later," he said seriously, his eyes boring into mine until he finally stepped aside to let me through.
I made my way up the stairs to the open bedroom door, revealing Bella propped up with pillows on her bed and tears trailing down her cheeks. "Not exactly the way I envisioned you meeting my father."
Her voice caught me by surprise, as she never looked up. I slowly walked across the room and stood beside her bed, her eyes finally rising and motioning for me to sit down. "Yeah, I guess it could have definitely been under better circumstances."
"In more ways than one," she mumbled as I lowered to sit at her feet, my gaze remaining on the floor. "Why did you really come, Edward? Why did it take this?"
I sighed heavily and shook my head before looking over to her. "I didn't ever want you to leave. But you needed to think and you wanted space."
"I wanted you," she replied and her tear-filled eyes rose to meet mine. "But that wasn't enough. You didn't want anything more than what we already had. And Rose was right. It may work for now, with me in school and your job. But how long can that be enough?"
I leaned forward with my elbows on my knees, pressing my fingers to my lips. "I'm scared, Bella. Everything has been so amazing and perfect with you. I didn't want to lose that, or you. "
Bella was quiet for several moments and then I felt the mattress beneath me move. I glanced over to her quickly to find her shifting to sit up more and I moved to help her, but she shook her head and braced her ribs with her arm. She exhaled slowly as she rested back against the pillow, with soft grunts as the pain began to ebb slightly. "I don't see how being closer would ruin anything. Isn't that the normal progression of a relationship between two people who love each other?"
"I don't know," I replied, shaking my head. "I've told you about my past luck with relationships, Bella—"
"But that was them, Edward. Not me," she cut me off with her teeth clenched.
"It was also me. More so than them," I replied, dragging my sweaty palms along my thighs. "I've only told you a fraction of what happened with Tanya. You'd see me a whole lot differently if you knew it all."
Bella stiffened at the mention of Tanya's name as she always did in the rare occasions she came up in conversation, unwilling to look me in the eyes. "She left you because of the hospital, I get it. But what does that have to do with me?"
"More than you know," I murmured, shaking my head. "There's more to it than that."
A year earlier
I walked through the door of the apartment after what felt like the longest two weeks of my life. After losing Dr. Keegan from the staff the previous month, I had volunteered to pick up a few extra shifts, and all I really wanted to do was get off my feet and sleep.
However, the apartment was unnaturally still for six o'clock at night. All the lights were off and Tanya was nowhere in sight. I shrugged it off for the time being, assuming that she had just gone out with Kate again, and made my way to the bedroom and collapsed into my pillow.
I woke at nine the next morning, surprised that I'd slept so long, but also that I hadn't heard Tanya come home during the night. Turning my head on the pillow, my eyes met the still made, vacant bed beside me and I sat up slowly, my eyes adjusting to the light.
"Tanya?" I called out to the empty room and tossed the covers to the side, rising from bed and walking out into the living room. Nothing stirred and the couch was vacant, as was the kitchen. I grabbed my coat from the back of the couch and reached into the pocket for my phone.
No calls. No texts. I dialed her phone and it went straight to voicemail. My heart began pounding as thoughts of something happening to her ran through my mind.
Hey, you didn't come home last night. Are you okay?
I sent off the text and began a pot of coffee, barely sitting down at the table when my phone buzzed in my hand.
I'm fine. But I'm not coming home. I don't live there anymore.
My brow furrowed and my eyes widened as I read her words, and then looked up to gaze around the apartment. Every trace of Tanya was gone. Every picture, every CD, and even that God-awful quilt from the back of the couch that she loved so much—all gone.
When were you planning on telling me that you were leaving?
I typed out the text with a clenched jaw, anger filling me that she'd left with no warning. No discussion, at the first possible opening, leaving me completely in the dark.
My phone vibrated again on the table with an incoming call. It was Tanya. Part of me didn't want to answer, not wanting to hear what she had to say. Yet, another part knew that it was inevitable that I talk to her.
I answered and held it up to my ear, but words wouldn't come to me… except one. "Why?"
"You don't need me, Edward," she spoke softly in reply. "And a relationship can't work when there's only one person in it."
"Tanya, we talked about this—"
"No! We haven't!" she cut me off, her voice a little more forceful. "We never talk. That would actually involve a conversation consisting of more than 'I gotta go'. The only relationship you put any effort into is the one you have with the hospital. You barely even notice me anymore."
"That's not true. I notice you. I called this morning, didn't I?"
"After how long?" she asked with a sad sigh. "I've been gone for two weeks, Edward. Two weeks, and you're only just now noticing."
My breath froze in my throat as I stood and made my way back into the bedroom, whipping open the closet door to find her side completely bare. How many times had I come in here to change and hadn't seen this? Our bathroom was missing her hairbrush, her towel, her toothpaste and toothbrush, and the tiny perfume bottles along the mirror. I sank down onto the end of the bed in shock.
Looking back over the last couple of weeks, I realized that she was right. I hadn't noticed that she wasn't there, when evidence of it was all around me and should have smacked me right in the face.
"There's no room for me in your life. I can't compare to all that. Maybe someday, some woman will, but it's not me. I want a companion, not an occasional roommate," she said in a soft, sorrowful tone. "I want to get married and have a family. And as much as I would love to have that with you, I just don't see it happening. I know you don't love me like that, Edward."
I stared at my hands as Bella gazed at me silently, unable to continue past that point. It was the part of me I never wanted her to see; the part that would effectively destroy her image of me.
She drew in a slow, deep breath after an extended moment of silence, tucking her hair behind her ear. "So that's why you got into this online thing with me? It was safe as long as I was thousands of miles away from you."
"What?" I gasped with widened eyes and gazing at her in disbelief, watching her eyes lower to the comforter covering her legs and shaking my head. "Bella, no. That's not what I'm trying to say."
"But it is. Because it's very obvious that you did love her, if it's still affecting your life a year later," she replied with her bruised lip trembling with restrained cries, and I slid up the bed and took her hand.
"No, I didn't," I said in a calmer tone and her eyes rose to mine. "I wanted to argue with her, and tell her that I did. But I couldn't. We were together for two years, living in the same apartment for six months. And I couldn't even tell her that I loved her."
Her brow furrowed in confusion and her head shook as she stared down at our joined hands. "You've completely lost me. I'm not following you at all."
"Bella," I whispered softly, sliding off the bed to kneel on the floor beside her and cupped her hand between my own. "I was so wrapped up in my own world and at the hospital that someone who should have meant the world to me, didn't. And when she left, I didn't even notice. For two weeks. I guess part of me was even waiting for it to happen, I just never thought she'd do it. I was floored when I realized that she wasn't coming back, but even more so when it hit me that I was okay with that."
Bella looked to me again and swallowed hard, her fingers twitching slightly between my hands. "So, you think you'll figure out that you don't really love me?"
I pinched my eyes closed and secured my hold on her hand, raising it to my lips and pressing them to the backs of her fingers. "If I lost you like that… if you decided that you couldn't handle life with me, I think I'd lose my mind," I replied in a strained voice, a lump rising in my throat and my brow tightening. "I didn't love her, but I do love you, so damn much. And losing you like that would kill me."
"So you push me away instead?" Her voice was hardened slightly and I felt the pit of my stomach drop, but she never pulled away from me. "'What ifs' will kill a relationship faster than any profession, Edward."
I nodded and looked back to her. "I know. I'm just really afraid of losing the first thing that's truly mattered to me, aside from my career, because I can't change who I am."
"That's who I fell in love with. If you changed that, part of the man I love would disappear," she replied, her features softening slightly as her thumb ran along my hand. "I'm not that insecure that I need you with me around the clock to reassure me that you love me."
"The way you looked at me when I got called to the hospital the other night… and when I came home to the dark apartment…" I sighed as my voice trailed off, shaking my head.
"I won't tell you that I wasn't disappointed, but not just because you left," she said, her grip tightening on me. "You'd been pushing me away for days, and I couldn't figure out what I'd done. And it just didn't seem like you were all that upset about leaving me, and on your vacation, no less. That hurt, more than anything."
"I'm not going to ask your forgiveness for that. There is no excuse for it," I replied, lowering my gaze and running my fingers along the back of her hand. "But I am sorry I hurt you. More than I can tell you."
"Edward, come here." She spoke so softly that I barely heard her, feeling her gently tug my hand toward her. I rose and sat back down beside her on the bed, and listened as she inhaled a deep breath. "I'm still upset with you. I've never been so hurt, confused, completely humiliated… in my entire life as I have been in the last few days. But…"
My eyes lifted to gaze at her and fresh tears lined her bruised cheek. I reached up to gently brush them away with my thumb and her lips immediately pressed to my palm.
"That doesn't mean that I don't still love you," she whispered and looked up at me. "I just can't live in the shadow of every woman who's come before me. You need to have faith in me before anything can work between us. If you can't do that, then it's best if you just went back to Chicago and let me get over you, and move on with my life. Because I can't live like this."
My chest tightened painfully at her statement and I found it impossible to swallow. I couldn't fault her for saying it, but the thought of life without her was the sole reason for everything we'd been through in the last few days. And it terrified me that this could be the end. "Would it be that easy for you to get over me?"