A/N: I know it's been too long since I've updated this story, but I've been going through some tough shizzle of late. I apologize profusely for the delay.
I struggled with how to write this chapter. I wrote the chapter and then scrapped it. I wanted to have several things happen in *this* draft, and I didn't end up putting any of them in. I am, however, pleased with the direction the chapter took. This was always how the ninth chapter was meant to go. I was just too much of a ninnymuggins to work it out sooner. I think you'll probably be surprised (not sure in a good way or not).
Thanks to my pre-reader, C, and all my friends/supporters on LJ & Twitter, my reviewers, and of course to all my readers.
Chapter Nine
Heaven's Isle, or Heartbreak Isle?
"Elena."
Elena woke up with a start, and waited for her eyes to focus on the clock beside her. Nine o'clock.
"Elena, I need you to get up now. We're going to be late for breakfast."
She could hear the slight edge of anxiety in Damon's voice. Actually it was closer to panic. Not that she was surprised he felt the need to re-fuel right now; they'd both used up a decent amount of energy last night. She still felt deliciously sated, but it wouldn't take much to convince her she needed him again. Just thinking about the pleasure he'd brought her made her hungry for him all over again. Forget breakfast, she wanted him. Did he feel it at all? This intense need to be together again? Her desire to connect with him, and feel him inside of her was overwhelming. She sat up, and smiled at him, but he didn't return her smile.
"Why didn't you wake me?" she asked him, suddenly worried he was upset with her because they were going to be late for breakfast.
"Isn't that what I'm doing right now?" Damon asked her pointedly.
It hit her then. He was up, showered, and ready to leave for breakfast, which was not how this morning was meant to go. She was supposed to have woken up first. She was supposed to be dressed and ready to start their day with the conversation where she let him off the hook for last night. Now, however, it was nine o'clock, and they were late. Worse still, she had this intense, burning desire to be with him again; a need which suddenly felt as if it was about to consume her, but he almost seemed…angry at her.
"We're going to be late, Elena!"
Why wouldn't he meet her eyes?
"Damon, what's going on?"
"We need to go. We're going to be late."
"No, I mean. What's going on with you? Why are you acting like this?"
"Like what?"
"Like…like you're angry with me."
"We don't have time to sit around and talk right now. We did enough of that yesterday."
His tone actually made her gasp. "You're angry with me. Why?"
"Not now," he said tersely. "We. Need. To. Leave."
"Damon-"
"Of course I'm angry at you, Elena," he snapped, turning ice-blue eyes on her. "I mean what did you expect?"
"What did I expect? Damon, I don't understand."
"You tricked me!"
"I tricked you?"
"Yes, Elena, you tricked me. You withdrew your friendship. You forced me to make this move."
"Wh-what move?"
"You know which move, Elena. The whole sleeping with you; and declaring my love for you."
Elena recoiled in horror. "You think I forced you to do that?"
"Didn't you?" he asked her, glaring at her from across the room.
Elena shook her head. "I-"
"You what? What exactly did you think was going to happen when you told me you didn't want to be my friend anymore? You know how much I need our friendship."
"Damon, I never meant-"
"You blackmailed me! What kind of a person does that, Elena? I mean, what kind of a person just throws away thirteen years of friendship because the guy she's in love with doesn't love her back."
She was crying now; she could feel her tears spilling over; felt the warm wet slide of them down her cheeks. "How can you say that, Damon? After everything? After last night? I thought you loved me."
"Well, I don't. Not like that."
"Then why did you say you did?"
"I'm hardly going to tell you that I finally got Katherine back, and your little stunt today cost me my one true chance at happiness, am I? Doesn't really have a great ring to it, does it?"
"But you slept with me," she accused.
"I wanted you. I wanted to see what it would be like. I was curious after being friends for so long," he admitted.
"And?"
"I thought maybe I could fall in love with you; maybe I could pretend to feel more for you than friendship. But I'm not in love with you. Never have been, and never will be. I wish I could pretend otherwise, but I can't."
"But we were so good together," she told him. "It felt so good."
"Don't be stupid enough to mistake good sex for love, Elena. You know me better than that. The only person I've ever been in love with is Katherine. If I was ever going to fall in love with you, don't you think it would have happened by now?"
"So you want Katherine?" she asked him, her voice breaking.
"She's the only one I've ever loved. Now you're standing in my way."
Damon squeezed his eyes shut, and tried to block the noise of someone whimpering. Hang on. Whimpering? He cracked one eye open, but he couldn't see anything but brown. Something was tickling his nose. Hair. Elena's hair. He still had his arms wrapped around her tightly. Her back was to him, just like it had been when they went to sleep. As he remembered how he'd ended up in bed with her, the events of yesterday came rushing back to him; his final revelation of the night hitting him like a steam train.
He was in love; really in love, and it had taken him far, far too long to realize it. His failure to recognize what was in front of him, and act on it, had almost lost him everything. But he was a quick learner. He almost snorted. Okay, most of the time he was a quick learner. It had taken him ten years to learn exactly how his best friend felt about him. Now that he had, however, he didn't intend to let another day go by without showing her he could return her love, and make up for lost time. Starting now.
She was naked in his arms. He could feel her breasts against the arm he had curled under, and around her. His other arm was lying so that his hand rested on her well-toned stomach. The feel of her pressed against him made him ache to be with her all over again. He kissed the back of her head, and heard her make a noise; a whimper. That was what had woken him up. She was upset.
"Elena," he muttered softly.
"I'm sorry," she cried. "I'm so sorry."
Was she awake, or asleep?
"Elena," he said again, more loudly this time.
Elena felt arms tighten around her, as she started waking up. She heard Damon say her name. It had been a dream, she realized; one big, bad dream. Damon hadn't actually said those things to her. She waited for the relief to come; but it didn't. She felt grief as if it had been real. It was a warning, she thought to herself; a reminder that she had to break things off between them before he really did hate her for ruining any chance he had at long lasting happiness.
"Elena, are you awake?" he murmured softly.
"Mmm," she mumbled.
"Will you turn around," he said to her.
She wanted to say no, and run towards the safety of the bathroom; the only place she could hide from him here at the island. However, hurtling towards the bathroom at full speed would probably set his alarm bells clanging, and she needed him to believe she was okay. She needed him to believe that everything she was about to tell him was the truth for her - that she wanted his friendship more than she wanted his love. Her throat tightened painfully. She'd never lied to him before. Never.
"I'm hardly going to tell you that I finally got Katherine back, and your little stunt today cost me my one true chance at happiness, am I?"
As she repeated those words to herself, she gathered the courage to turn around so that she was facing him. The moment her eyes met his, however, her courage faded. Awareness cracked between them as they stared at each other. Wow, this was different, she thought. Of course sex changed everything, but this was more than that. It was the way he gently caressed her hip. It was the way he instinctively moved closer to her, and it was the way he was looking at her right now – as if she were his; as if his world revolved around her. It took her breath away.
"You want to tell me what's going on?" he said to her.
"What do you mean?"
"You're upset."
He'd been completely oblivious towards how she felt for the past ten years. How was it that he was suddenly reading her right?
"I'm fine," she told him, trying to smile.
He didn't smile back. In fact, he looked worried.
"I heard you crying, Elena. It woke me up."
"Oh."
She'd been crying out loud? Not good.
"Want to tell me why?" he asked her.
"I was asleep," she told him.
"You were dreaming?"
"I must have been," she said, shrugging.
"You don't remember what you were dreaming about?" he asked her.
"I never remember my dreams that well," she told him. "You know that."
It wasn't a lie, but she was deliberately misleading him. It didn't feel nice.
He moved his hand up, and wiped her cheek with the pad of his thumb. "Your cheeks are still wet," he murmured. "It must have been a bad dream."
"It must have been," Elena confirmed, after she touched her fingers to her cheek.
Her dream had been the very worst one she'd had. She still felt insanely guilty over the accusations he'd hurled at her in it.
"Lucky for you I'm here to make you feel better," he said, leaning in and kissing her softly on the lips.
Elena felt her heart explode upon contact, and pulled away immediately.
"Elena," he said, stroking the side of her face with his fingertips "What is it? What's wrong? Talk to me. Please."
She had to get out of there. She'd been so sure that ending things between them was the right thing to do, but he was looking at her so intently, stroking the side of her face, and making her feel loved, that she was struggling to do what she needed to do. Her courage had suddenly gone M.I.A, and she needed to find it A.S.A.P. She needed to put some distance between them, emotionally and physically, at least temporarily, so that she could get herself together, and do what she had to do.
"You know, we should start getting ready. It'll be time for breakfast soon," she said to him.
She sat up, clutching the sheet to her chest with one hand, and reached out for Damon's t-shirt since it was the first piece of clothing she could see.
"Elena-"
"I'm fine," she told him again, slipping the t-shirt over her head. "I'm going to get in the shower."
"Great idea," he said to her. "I'll join you."
"I need to shower alone," she told him. "I have to wash my hair."
Elena made a move to get out of the bed, but Damon put his hand on her arm, to stop her from moving. He was worried now; really worried. He hadn't even had time to wonder if everything was okay between them, before she'd made it perfectly clear that it wasn't. She'd been crying, and apologizing as he'd woken her up, obviously having some kind of nightmare; and now she was trying to avoid him. She had to wash her hair? Didn't she know he'd never believe anything so stupid?
Even if she wasn't entirely over what had happened yesterday, and even if he still had a long way to go to make up for the pain he'd caused her, surely last night had gone some way to repairing the damage he'd done to their relationship in the last twenty-four hours. He didn't want to contemplate the fact that it might not have. They didn't need any more conflict, drama or misunderstandings between them. He didn't think he could survive it. This was going to get sorted out right now, starting with a bit of honesty.
"You're scaring me," he said to her. "Last night we had this incredible night together, and now it's like you can't get away from me fast enough. Why?"
Elena sighed.
"And don't tell me everything is fine, and you have to wash your hair. I may have been in denial, but I'm not anymore. I know something's wrong."
Elena closed her eyes for a moment before she opened them, and turned to look at him. God, why was this just so hard? Because she'd been in love with this man for the longest time, and putting a stop to the only thing she'd ever wanted was going to break her heart. How many times had she felt like her heart was breaking while she'd been here on Heaven's Isle? Too many to count. She was going to walk away from this holiday unbelievably bruised and battered emotionally, but she'd chosen to come. How could she have really expected anything different?
"You can tell me," Damon said to her, reaching out to touch her face with his hand. "Whatever this is, whatever is wrong, you can tell me."
Unfortunately, there wasn't a less painful option here, she decided. If she let things go on any longer between them, it would break her heart when he pulled away from her. She may never recover from what she was about to do, but this was for him; for both of them. She didn't want to hold him back. She didn't want to be the reason he was unhappy.
"I think…I think I want us to be friends."
Damon fought the automatic panic rising up inside him. She didn't mean what she just said…did she? He hadn't been dragged through hell and back yesterday, fought tooth and nail against his demons, and realized he was a first-class idiot for not realizing he was in love with his best friend sooner, only for her to turn around and give him an exit. Screw that for a joke. He didn't need an exit; he needed her – body, mind, and soul. Maybe she still doubted him; his motivations. God knows, she shouldn't, but that's what this had to be. There was no other reasonable explanation for this. He had to fix this. Yesterday had been the worst day of his life up until she'd told him to make love to her, and it had been because neither of them had been truthful about what they felt.
"I want us to be friends," he told her, stroking her chin with his thumb. "But I want to be your lover too."
Elena broke eye contact. "You were right about us not ruining our friendship."
"No, I wasn't. I was wrong. So wrong."
"I don't think you were."
"Elena-"
"I was trying to get over you for that reason."
"You were trying to get over me because you thought I don't feel the same way you do, but I do feel that way about you. I'm in love with you."
"I know you think that-"
"I don't think that. I know that." Damon told her. "Look at me, Elena," he demanded. "I know this is sudden, but you need to stop doubting me. I've never lied to you. I know this is scary, and I know you're afraid, but we'll be okay."
"And what if we're not?" she asked him.
"We will be."
"I don't want to take the risk," she told him.
"Are you saying you're not going to give us a chance; give me a chance?"
"I want our friendship. I want to go back to the way things were."
Damon shook his head. He couldn't do this again. He just couldn't. They'd come so far yesterday. He'd experienced so much emotional pain yesterday, he still felt raw. Now he felt like he was starting back at the same place he'd been when he'd woken up yesterday – with him losing her; and this time it was worse because there was even more to lose. This time his heart was on the line, and the depression that had been flickering around the edge of his consciousness since he'd arrived on the island threatened to sweep over him with a vengeance. His heart and his brain were telling him he couldn't take it. He couldn't take another day like yesterday. This couldn't be the end for them already; to be over before they'd even begun wasn't their story.
"Well we can't go back to the way things were," Damon told her. "You said that yourself. You want someone you can share your life with, and that person is me. I want that with you. I want to marry you, and have children with you. I want it all, Elena, and I want it with you."
"You don't know what you're saying."
"No, you don't know what you're saying. I love you. You love me. This should be simple."
"But it's not."
"Because you're making it complicated!"
"I'm not."
"Yes! You are. And it really doesn't need to be, Elena. Give me a chance. Give this a chance."
"I can't," she said to him.
"No. You won't. There's a difference."
Damon got out of the bed, located his boxers on the floor, and put them on. Then he picked up one of his shirts which had been lying on the couch, put that on, along with a pair of shorts.
"I just can't believe this," Damon said to her. "I tell you I'm in love with you, and you run a mile."
"Damon, don't."
"Don't what, Elena?" he asked, sitting on the couch and putting his shoes on. "You think you have dibs on being the only one hurt in all of this?"
He stopped and looked at her; his eyes flashing with anger. "Can you imagine for one second that I feel exactly the way I said I feel?"
Elena swallowed, and tried. She tried to imagine that he was in love with her; but she couldn't.
Damon shook his head. "You're so busy trying to protect your own heart that you don't care about the fact that you're about to break mine."
"You haven't spent the last ten years wishing I was in love with you," she pleaded with him, desperately needing him to understand that. "Yesterday you were in love with Katherine. Now all of a sudden you're in love with me-"
"Yes! I am."
"It's too sudden, Damon!"
"So if I spend the next ten years of my life in love with you, you'll believe me then. Is that what you're saying?"
"No," she denied.
"Because, right now it seems like that's what I'm going to have to do to get you to believe in me; in us." He shook his head. "I need to get out of here. I'll meet you at breakfast."
It was just like her dream, Elena thought; he was so angry with her, and even though she wasn't crying, she wanted to. She'd thought that she'd been doing the right thing. She'd expected him to be a little bit hurt, but not like this. She'd never even once contemplated the idea she might break his heart. How did she become the villain in their story? Friendship was what he'd been saying he wanted from her for the past ten years, and now all of a sudden she was expected to just accept the fact that he loved her like she loved him. It was too difficult to fathom.
She didn't have time to say anything else, before he slammed the bedroom door behind him. She didn't know what they were to each other right now, or what they would ever be after this week was through. Everything between them had been ruined now, and it was all her fault. She couldn't blame anyone else for this. It was all on her. It was her fault for going away with him, and it was her fault for falling in love with him in the first place – her fault for not being able to hide it better. She'd torn them apart. Her.
When she'd severed their friendship yesterday she'd been so angry with him, but she couldn't muster one iota of that anger now. She had to admit she had no idea whether she'd made the right decision. She'd made such a mess of everything. She loved him, and she needed him. She'd been trying to protect him, and yes, protect herself as well. He meant so much to her. He always had. Feeling like she loved him more than he loved her made her feel far too vulnerable, and perhaps there was more truth behind the words she'd spoken to him earlier than she'd first realized. Returning to their former state as friends again would be safer for her. It would break her heart, but being with him if he didn't feel the same way, would break her heart even more. She felt so lost.
The heartbreak, the hurt, and the blame bounced around inside her as she got ready to walk out the door. When she was presentable, she made her way downstairs, but before she got to the dining room, she faltered. She just wasn't ready to see him and speak to him yet. She didn't know what to say, or how to deal with the situation. She slipped out one of the side doors of the large house, and started to walk along the beach, only to almost trip over him. It simply seemed impossible to escape him at all on the island. He looked as lost as she felt right now.
She dropped down next to him, and looked out to sea. The waves crashed upon the shore. It was still dark and cloudy overhead, and the wind whipped at the water. Yesterday the storms had been brutal; both the one on the island, and the one between them. She couldn't weather another one storm between them today.
"I can't do what we did yesterday. It was too much," she told him.
"You're right," he told her. "It was too much. Yesterday I started off the day depressed because you'd been pulling away from me. I thought I was still in love with Katherine. Then I found out you've been in love with me for the last ten years. Then you ended our friendship, and then I realized I was in love with you. I wouldn't have minded going through all that but this morning you decide that you would rather have my friendship than my love."
"Damon-"
"I know you're scared, but I'm scared too. I'm terrified, Elena. You know me better than anyone. I've spent our whole friendship making sure you didn't get that extra bit closer and realize that you don't like me; that I'm not worth your time. But losing you yesterday made me realize that I could conquer that fear; that I'd been hiding what I felt for you, from you, and from myself. And now today you turn around and tell me you're too afraid to take the next step, after wanting more for so long."
They both sat in silence for a moment, staring at the water, before he continued.
"You told me yesterday that you'd been hoping it was you I would fall in love with. Well here I sit, in love with you, wanting you, and you don't want me anymore, or what I can offer you. I hope to God that it is just fear talking or I could choose to believe you've taken one look behind the curtain and decided you don't really like what you see. You've had all of me now, Elena. Last night I gave you everything. I didn't hold back like I do with everyone else, so if you reject me, you reject all of me. I don't know how I'll survive that Elena."
He'd been so honest with her that Elena couldn't help but feel she owed him that much in return. They'd been friends for the last thirteen years. Her honesty was the least she could give him.
"This morning when I woke up, I was having a bad dream," she told him.
"I know you were."
"I let you believe that I didn't remember it. But I did. You were mad at me; angry – furious even."
"For what?" he asked her.
She continued to stare out at the sea, unable to look at him while she voiced her biggest fears.
"You told me you thought I'd blackmailed you into starting a relationship by threatening to withdraw my friendship. You told me I'd ruined your one chance at happiness; that you were still in love with Katherine."
"But I'm not in love with Katherine, Elena. Obviously until yesterday I thought I was, but I was wrong. I never once felt about Katherine the way I feel about you. I know that's hard for you to believe, but you have to try."
"I want to. I really want to, but it's too good to be true," she told him, still staring at the waves. "Or at least that's how this feels, Damon. I have spent the last ten years in love with you."
"I know."
"That's ten years of watching you with other women; ten years of wanting you for myself, and of waiting to see if you could ever love me back the way I love you." She laughed humorlessly. "You'd think I'd be ecstatic today, but I'm not. I'm terrified that you're going to wake up tomorrow, or next week, or next year, and realize you were deluding yourself; that you don't love me the way I love you, and that you never will."
He reached over and took her hand in his, interlacing their fingers together. Encouraged, she kept talking.
"I'm afraid that you're going to take one look at Katherine today and wish you were with her and not me, and remember that it's her you're in love with."
He squeezed her fingers gently, and she took a deep breath, and then turned to look at him. Their eyes locked, and her heart lurched in her chest.
"But most of all I'm afraid that you're going to break my heart so badly, I'll never live to tell the tale."
Damon felt like his heart hadn't stopped hurting since he woke up this morning, but after hearing her tell him how she felt, his heart hurt even more. He'd been in love with her now for less than half a day (that he'd actually been aware of), and the idea that he might not get to be with her felt like it was going to break him. He couldn't imagine going through another day of wanting her and not having her.
What would it be like to be her, he wondered? What would it be like to have been feeling this way for ten years? He couldn't imagine. No wonder she wasn't leaping for joy like he had been this morning. She'd been on this rollercoaster ride for a decade. She was afraid she'd had all the heartbreak she could take. She'd come to Heaven's Isle ready to let go of him, and move on, only to finally have him tell her he wanted to be with her now. Could he really feign surprise that she wasn't entirely ready to let go of this notion of moving on? She'd even been ready to start dating other guys, or she had been before she came here. She'd signed up with Caroline's dating agency before she'd left. Jealousy ripped through him at the thought of her on a date with someone else, but he pushed it away. Jealousy wasn't going to do him any good now. What he had to do was put himself in her shoes, and try and give her whatever it was she wanted. If he had to wait ten years for her, then he would wait ten years for her. He would wait for her forever, because he would never love another woman the way he loved her.
He squeezed her hand again. "I will wait for you," he told her. "If you want me to wait ten years for you, I will. I will sit back, and I will pine, as you say, for you. I will watch and hurt as you date other guys. I will sit and suffer silently, all the while offering you my friendship, if that's what you want. I am in love with you. One day I'll tell you that, and you'll believe me."
"It's not that I don't believe you, Damon."
"It is," he told her. "And I can understand why you don't trust that after everything being so one-sided for so long, so I will wait. Until you're ready. Until you know it's the truth."
Elena took a moment to study him, hardly believing her ears, but his gaze was intense, and she found she didn't doubt the sincerity with which he'd spoken. "You're serious, aren't you?"
"Absa-fucking-lutely," he said to her, grinning.
She couldn't help but grin back at him, but then he stopped grinning, and looked at her seriously.
"Of course if you wanted to throw caution to the wind and just try and take my word for it, you'd save me ten years of suffering. You'd save me what you've been through."
"I'm so scared," she whispered.
"Me too," he told her softly. "I'm more afraid of you and me than I've been afraid of anything in my life. But that only tells me that it's right."
He brought her hand to his lips and kissed it, and she felt electricity pulse through her. Would he really wait ten years for her? He would. She knew he would. God knew he could be so stubborn when he wanted to be. Just on principle he would wait. He would wait her out, and he would watch her, just like he'd said. As if sensing her resolve starting to crumble, he kept talking.
"We could try it," he said to her. "We're here together on this island. We're meant to be a couple in front of everyone. Why not test everything out?" he asked her. "Be with me here. Be my lover. Can we at least have this week before you make up your mind about whether you believe I'm in love with you or not?"
A/N: I'm *hoping* the next chapters will be fun to read, and far less angsty. This was going to be a ten chapter story. It won't be now, but I have no desire to draw out the story past its finish. I'll keep you posted on that front. Thanks for reading, and please review.