So, 3 years later, I've finally got around to updating this.
I don't think I can apologise enough to be honest but I very sorry for keeping you all waiting for so damn long! I am incredibly grateful if anyone reads this at all anymore!
Of course it has been a long time since I took proverbial pen to paper so I have no idea if the writing style is any different but I have gone though all previous chapters, editing typos and changing a few things so it might be worth another read!
Thank you everyone for your overwhelming patience. Hopefully this was worth the wait.
The morning was much like any other, Maura could almost imagine none of the events of the past month and a bit had even happened.
As she rolled over in bed, Maura was met with the warm expanse of skin that was her wife's back. Her wife who had, in previous weeks, moved to the sofa in the early hours while Maura slept. After pausing to take this new situation in, she wrapped her arm around Jane's waist, sliding her other arm under the pillow and kissing the shoulders in front of her.
Jane stirred at the soft pressure on her shoulder blade. This is nice she thought, eyes opening just enough to see the sun had not long started rising. Rolling over, she hooked her leg over Maura's and opened her eyes fully. "Hi", her voice hoarse with sleep caused Maura's to fly open.
"Hi." There was a tentative smile there, unsure at this change of circumstances. "Did you sleep well?"
"Like a log. You?" Jane punctuated the question with a kiss to Maura's nose.
"The same." Maura replied, scrunching her nose.
The nose remained scrunched as Maura swallowed repeatedly at the bile rising in her throat. What was this? The swallowing wasn't making the taste in her mouth go away Oh no. Maura sat up and quickly realised her mistake as her hands flew to her mouth.
Jane frowned, not expecting this reaction, Maura flying out of bed towards the bathroom wasn't the best start to her day. She got up anyway at the sound of Maura retching, not wanting to hear it and knowing her wife wouldn't appreciate her rubbing her back "It's unproductive Jane, and make me feel worse!"
She made her way to the kitchen to make herself an instant coffee, something she was sure to need today. Eyes still sore from last nights tears, she reflected on her lie to Maura. Jane hadn't slept like a log, in fact quite the opposite, she had lay on her back until the early hours her mind going over and over what she planned to do. Knowing she needed to act normal, like nothing was going on, so Maura wouldn't get suspicious.
As the kettle boiled, Maura hugged the toilet bowl. Maybe it was the stress of the night before, the tension reaching break point and suddenly releasing as Jane fell into her arms in the kitchen. That must be it, the stress leaving her body.
She got up, splashing water on her face and neck before brushing her teeth. Back in the bedroom Maura changed, pencil skirt and sleeveless satin blouse under a tweed blazer. Chin held high Maura looked in the mirror at her pale face. Coffee would fix that, she thought, as she headed towards the kitchen where she hoped Jane would be up for talking some more.
Silence. That's what met Maura at the morgue. Of course, it was to be expected when she had made a habit of coming in earlier than any of her other staff, having to leave the house, filled with a different kind of silence.
It hadn't been like that this morning though. There had been a freshly ground coffee waiting for her when she finally reached the kitchen, Jane nursing her own up of instant, eyes unfocused. It was only when the scrape of Maura's mug reached her ears, she seemed to perk up.
"How are you feeling? That sounded nasty!" Jane almost looked concerned.
"Fine. Fine now, thank you. I suppose I can't have eaten enough yesterday." Why was her answer so clinical?
"Coffee should help, have some dry toast." Jane downed the last of her cup and headed past Maura to the bedroom, placing a chaste kiss on her cheek.
Maura raised her hand to the spot as she heard the bedroom door close. What was going on? This was all so, normal. Stilted, but normal.
After a moment running the morning over in her mind, Maura looked at the time and realised she should be gone by now. She called down the corridor to Jane.
"I need to go now Jane, I'll be back this afternoon sometime, perhaps we could have a late lunch?"
A rustle and a thump before "Yep. Okay. Lunch. Sounds good!"
"Around 3pm Jane." Maura hesitated before calling out again. "I….I love you!"
Silence. She imagined Jane standing, one leg in pants and one out, staring at the door.
Maura sighed, picked up her bag and headed towards the front door. It was too much to hope for.
As she reached for the handle though, she heard the bedroom door open and "Love you too" echoed down the hallway, reached her surprised ears. Maura paused wondering whether she should go back and ask what was going on, but thought perhaps her wife would prefer her not to. Jane was known to hate having a big deal made of her, perhaps acting like nothing had changed would be better.
The swish of the morgue doors broke Maura out of her reverie. The familiar squeak of the wobbly trolley wheel indicated the first body to be examined, and so started her morning.
Jane was indeed, only half in her pants when Maura had called out. She had thought Maura would exit the house as fast as she usually did so to hear her call out had made Jane pause as she pulled on her dress blues. Panicking that she would be discovered, she froze.
She swallowed thickly upon hearing Maura call of I love you, like nothing had changed. Jane's reply almost didn't leave her mouth it was so dry and she only relaxed when she heard the familiar slam of the front door.
Pants on, Jane pulled the shirt off the hanger, shivering as the smooth cotton slipped up her arms. Her hands were surprisingly still as she buttoned it up, looping the tie in a neat Windsor knot.
It made sense, somehow, wearing her dress blues. Frost would have been buried in his. She had already disgraced the uniform by getting him killed, why not wear it for this? She felt no honour wearing it anymore.
Boots on and hair tied up, Jane sat at the dining table 10 minutes later with pen and paper in front of her. How could she word this best?
Dear Maura,
I'm sorry.
I might not have pulled the trigger but I am just as much of a killer as Doyle.
It's my fault Frost is dead and I can't go on. I can't see past it.
I'm the monster now and monsters aren't vain.
Tell Ma and tell Frankie and Tommy. Tell them I'm sorry and I hope they understand.
I hope you understand.
I'm sorry. I love you.
Jane moved silently to the couch and look at the kitchen clock.
10am.
She took out her service weapon and the cleaning kit. Maybe it was habit, but it needed to be cleaned. Taking it apart, Jane methodically cleaned each piece and put it back together again, loading the clip and laying the weapon on the table.
Jane took a breath and picked it up.
Then she did it all over again, taking apart, cleaning and putting it back together again her hands on automatic as the cool metal slid between her fingers and into place over and over again.
Two hours passed.
She was ready.
Thank you for reading. One more chapter left.