Chapter 6

For the next three days, Jasina stayed locked in the guest room, refusing to take Mark's master bedroom because of the simple fact it reminded her of what they used to have. She cried and only came out when it was time to eat, going out to buy herself some liquor and only drank at night when Arielle was in bed. She preferred to be by herself during this difficult time, trying to wrap her mind around Randy being gone.

Jasina thought it hurt when he walked out, after promising to make it up to her and Arielle, but that was nothing compared to how Jasina felt now. Her entire world felt as if it was ending and Jasina could only find comfort in the bottle, staring out the window while taking shot after shot, trying to numb her pain somehow. The funeral was in two days and Jasina wasn't looking forward to it, knowing she would completely breakdown when his body was lowered into the cold six foot hole. Drinking and crying was her way of grieving and, surprisingly enough, Mark had left her alone for the most part.

Mark had left her alone because it had only been five days since Randy had died and he knew it was going to take longer than that to get past the intense grief she felt. He was also aware she had taken to drinking at night after Arielle had gone to bed, but didn't say anything. If she started drinking around the clock, then he'd step in.

She was eating whatever he put in front of her, or some of it, so that was something as well. Arielle was moving around a bit mechanically, but she would talk if a conversation started. He knew she would heal faster than her mother, but that was also to be expected. Mark had shut down the shop until further notice, giving the few employees paid 'vacation' time, he and Steve weren't hurting for money.

He had a family that needed him.

The night before Randy's funeral, Jasina finally stepped out of her room with a bottle of wine, wanting some fresh air. She quietly made her way downstairs, into the kitchen and outside on the patio, the full lit moon shining down with stars glistening in the sky. Jasina wore a black nightgown that was spaghetti strapped, the warm air feeling wonderful against her skin. Jasina still felt cold though as she took a long swig from her wine bottle, just staring out at the huge stretch of land.

"I know you're out there somewhere. I can feel you all around me. I'm sorry for what I said, I didn't mean it. I wish I could've found a way to stop you from getting on that damn plane..." Her voice cracked as Jasina slowly walked down the few steps that lead to the pool, taking another drink. "I love you so much. You helped piece me back together when I was at my lowest and now...you're gone. What am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to live without you?" Jasina slowly sank down to her knees, gripping the bottle a little tighter in her hand. "I forgive you and I'll never stop loving you, Randy. I'm so sorry I didn't say it when you left and now...I'll never be able to tell you."

From upstairs, Mark watched and listened through his open bedroom window, staying out of the glass and in the shadows, every light upstairs already out, but he wasn't taking the chance. He had been relieved to see her come out of the bedroom, or more specifically, hear her, but now...His heart breaking for an entirely different reason. He sat down on the edge of his bed and hung his head, his long hair falling over his face and down his bare chest.

Jasina had genuinely loved Randy.

Jasina felt incredibly hot suddenly and stood up from the patio, setting her half empty wine bottle down and peeled the nightgown off, tossing it behind her. A quick dip would do her some good and Jasina dived in, slicing through the cool water, knowing it was just her and nobody else. She stayed at the bottom, holding her breath until she couldn't handle it, finally surfacing as oxygen filled her lungs. The water mixed with her tears as Jasina swam over to rest on the side of the pool, wearing just a black bra and panties, managing to reach for her wine bottle as she took another swig.

"I lost Mark and I thought it was over, I thought I'd never love again. And now I lost you too. I have no idea how I'm going to come back from this, if I even can." Even though she was talking to herself, somehow, Jasina could feel Randy's spirit surrounding her, closing her eyes before going under water again.

Mark made the colossal mistake of getting up and peering out the window again, after he heard nothing from her, wanting to make sure she was alright. When he heard a splash, he almost thought she was trying to drown herself and then he saw her swimming, relaxing. When she surfaced, the relaxed posture was gone and he was tense all over again. His ex-wife was down there swimming naked, or almost naked; he was in hell and had to keep reminding himself that she was grieving.

Jasina finally had enough swimming and pulled herself up out of the pool, the bra and panties clinging to every part of her body, the warm Texan air blowing over her feeling great. She walked over and sat down on one of the nearby chairs, her bottle of wine beside her, and began sipping it while looking up at the sky again. Jasina remembered when Randy would have a glass of wine waiting for her whenever she came home from work and they would end up sharing it while talking about their days.

They always had great conversation. He was completely honest with her about everything and vice versa. They would make love after dinner, if the kids weren't with them, or simply stay up watching a movie snuggled on the couch together. Jasina leaned back and closed her eyes, letting all the memories of her and Randy wrap her up in a warm cocoon, welcoming the solitude.

The one and only thing stopping Mark from going into a full on 'moment' was the fact that he knew she was down there thinking about Randy. About the time they had together, the things they did together and just the mental image of Randy actually kissing her, doing things to her Mark had done...problem gone. Having Jasina in the house was beginning to make him realize something: He still loved her and this wasn't exactly the right time for that revelation.

When Jasina woke up the following morning to raindrops splattering on her, she realized she'd fallen asleep outside on the patio after her midnight swim. It was raining...fitting weather for what was going to happen today. Jasina looked over at her empty bottle of wine and took it inside with her, padding through the kitchen, having a feeling everyone was still sleeping. She went upstairs and headed straight to her room, needing to pick out the outfit she would wear to officially bury Randy. Because his body was in pieces from the plane crash, there wasn't going to be a visitation, just a small funeral with close friends since Randy had no family to their knowledge.

"Hey mom, can I borrow-"

Arielle had been up for an hour, having had a hard time sleeping because of what day this was. She had already showered and was wearing her black formal slacks and short sleeved blouse. She froze at the sight of her Mom in nothing except her underwear, drenched.

"What the hell?! Why are you naked and wet?"

Jasina jumped out of her skin, immediately covering her breasts with her arm because she'd taken her bra off after arriving in her room. "Christ Arie, you scared the hell outta me! I fell asleep outside and went for a midnight swim. I just woke up and I'm getting ready to hop in the shower." Quickly grabbing her robe, Jasina wrapped herself in it and sat down on the bed, crossing one leg over the other. "What did you need?"

"I uh, wanted to borrow a pair of your pearl earrings. Randy..." Arielle hesitated, coughing and looked away awkwardly. "He said pearls looked nice on me and I figured..." She shrugged, feeling almost stupid, but at the same time… "It's silly, I know, but it makes me feel better."

Jasina smiled for the first time in days, which felt foreign to her and took Arielle's hand, giving it a gentle squeeze. "He was right and I understand perfectly, sweetheart. Hold on." She stood and walked over to her small jewelry box she'd brought with her, pulling out a set of pearls, tears stinging her eyes. "He also said I looked good in them too, but I never believed him. He gave these to me as a gift, I want you to have them." Placing the pearls in Arielle's hand, Jasina closed her fingers around them, blinking tears away.

"Mom, no... He gave these to you. They're yours, I'll just borrow them today and give them back after the...the funeral." Arielle said, wiping tears out of her eyes before smiling a watery smile. It faded into a frown. "Is it true that they couldn't find any family for him? I know we were his family, but...he didn't have any brothers or sisters? Or parents? No one?"

Jasina simply shook her head, taking a few deep breaths to slow her racing heart. "Trish tried, but had no luck. We were all he had and I want you to have them, Arie. I don't want them, I'll never wear pearls. Please, take them it'll mean a lot to me and I know Randy would love for you to have them." She wiped a few tears from Arielle's face, kissing her forehead and hugged her tightly. "Everything will get better, I promise." Jasina couldn't fall apart with her daughter, refusing to do it. "Is Gary and your father up?"

"Gary's in the shower and I don't know about Dad, he went to bed late I think." Arielle shrugged, fastening the pearls in her ears, her hair already pulled back into a low bun at the nape of her neck, looking older than she was. "I'll go check, you get in the shower Mom, you look cold." She kissed her mother's cheek, sincerely hoping she wasn't about to make it a habit to fall asleep outside; she'd wind up deadly ill from it.

Jasina was glad she had her own bathroom and did as her daughter said, a warm shower sounding inviting after sleeping outside all night. She hopped out twenty minutes later and slipped on a simple black skirt that went two inches above the knee along with a black dress shirt that had a scoop neckline with white trimming. She pulled her hair back into a higher neat bun, a few tendrils framing her face. She decided on simple black eyeliner and clear gloss for makeup, knowing it would be gone from how much crying she knew would happen. Slipping her black pumps on, Jasina took one last look in the mirror and walked out, heading downstairs to the kitchen for some much needed coffee.

Gary soon came pounding down the steps with Arielle right behind him, struggling with a tie -he had yet to get the hang of them- and flashed a quick smile at Jasina, glad to see her out of her bedroom, even if the circumstances totally sucked. "Morning." He greeted softly.

"Dad, today would be good!" Arielle called out over her shoulder.

Considering he and Randy had had a semi-tense relationship, Mark wondered why he was even going. Oh yes, moral support. Huffing, Mark headed downstairs in nothing, but black. Black slacks, black dress shirt, and a black tie.

"Need help son?" He asked when he noted Gary was having trouble with his tie.

"No, I think I got it..." Gary flushed, embarrassed.

Jasina glanced over at Mark and frowned, seeing his tie was crooked, shaking her head. Some things never changed. While Arielle tried helping Gary with his, Jasina walked over to Mark and took the tie from him, beginning to do it like old times. He was never good at it, she always had to be the one to do his ties whenever they went out, even before she ran away all those years ago.

"There you go." Jasina walked over to pour a cup of coffee, needing all the caffeine she could get for today.

"Who taught you how to do this?" Gary asked his girlfriend with a small smile.

"My Mom."

"Thank God, or else I'd of been usin' clip-ons from day one."

"You used clip-ons?" Arielle raised an eyebrow at her father.

His eyes narrowed, knowing there was a joke in there somewhere. While he was glad Arielle was ready to make a joke, Mark wasn't so sure he wanted it at his expense. Arielle just smiled sweetly, turning to make herself a cup of coffee, adding sugar and creamer, the way Randy used to take his. She frowned, realizing she had really looked up to him and had adopted some of his traits, sighing heavily.

Jasina put her arm around Arielle and rubbed her arm gently, noticing the way she fixed her coffee and knew it was the same way Randy did. "Let's go sit down for a minute." She suggested, guiding Arielle away from the counter with their coffee in hand, leaving the men standing there to get their own cup. "Talk to me, Arie. I'm here to listen. I know I haven't been myself the last couple of days, but I'm still your momma. So talk to me, get it all off your chest."

"I miss him, that's it." Arielle shrugged her Mom off, knowing she probably felt guilty or something for locking herself away, but Arielle understood why she had done it. "And I feel bad about being so pissed off at him. I was pissed and hated him, and he died. We were both pissed with him. It's like…God's punishing us for feeling that way."

Jasina wanted to disagree with her daughter and tell her god would never do such a thing, but in truth it made sense. Randy left on really bad terms and ended up dead in a plane crash. How many times did that really happen to someone? Jasina didn't know what to say, frowning and was glad when Gary approached them.

"I miss him too, sweetheart." She whispered softly.

"This isn't a punishment, baby doll." Gary assured her, wondering why Jasina hadn't said that. "This was a horrible accident, that's all."

"That's right, it was an accident..." Hell even Jasina didn't believe that and excused herself, needing some fresh air, letting a few tears slip down her cheeks as soon as she was out of sight.

If Jasina believed that then Mark was losing his 'bullshit' meter. Leaving Gary to convincing Arielle, he followed Jasina outside, taking a clean hand towel with him because he was only carrying a black silk handkerchief tucked in his pocket and as it was his only one...yeah, no. He didn't say a word, just walked up behind her, not touching her.

"God isn't punishing Arielle and he is not punishing YOU, Jasina. You know he doesn't work that way. It was coincidence, nothin' more darlin'. Don't think you somehow did this." He couldn't stay quiet, knowing that's how Jasina felt at the moment and wanted to assure her none of this was her fault.

"There is no god." Jasina whispered, wrapping her arms around herself as more tears fell, meaning every word that came out of her mouth. "I don't believe there is, not after this. What kind of god does this to someone? What kind of god forces Randy on a plane only to crash and burn? Arielle is right, it's a punishment; it's too much of a coincidence not to be." She took the towel from him to dab her eyes, speaking quietly so Mark could only hear her. "I've lost nearly everything and been dealt a shitty hand of cards in my life, Mark. There is no god, there's only life and death; nothing more."

"Darlin', nobody forced Randy on that plane. Randy went because he felt obligated too, and I'm sure he hated himself for it the moment he realized what he had done." Mark said just as quietly, not about to let Arielle or Gary overhear this conversation. While he hadn't raised Arie to be religious, as far as he knew, she was a believer, just not a regularly practicing one. "Nearly everythin' ain't everythin', Jas, you still got Arielle and...Gary and Trish; a whole bunch of people who care about ya." He almost added 'me', but felt it wasn't appropriate at all.

"I can't talk about this anymore, Mark, please..." She stated, finally turning to stare up into his green eyes, wishing she could believe the words coming out of his mouth.

Jasina just couldn't.

Today she would be in denial with anger, walking back inside the house to tell the kids it was time to leave for the funeral. She knew Mark was trying to help, but nothing he said or did was going to help her today. Jasina wasn't surprised when Arielle followed her out of the house, both of them heading toward Mark's huge Chevy Silverado that seated four very comfortable. Jasina sat in the front while Arielle and Gary took the back. Mark joined them a few minutes later, agreeing to let him drive them to the funeral because of the emotional state Jasina would be in.

If she had tried to even suggest driving herself, he would have knocked her out and driven anyway. Today of all days, none of them would be in any state to do much else besides cry and walk. As he had very little emotional attachment to Randy, that wasn't exactly a problem for Mark. The silence was pressing around them, making the generally quite comfortable Chevy feel cramped and tiny. He damn near turned on the radio, finally cracking the window.

Arielle was having similar issues and was bouncing her knees, stopping only when Gary pointed out she was kicking the back of her Mom's seat. "Sorry." She murmured, swallowing when the cemetery came into view. It was Houston, a large graveyard, and the idea of Randy being buried there was almost too much for Arielle to take as tears stung her eyes.