Chapter 21

"It's not what it looks like." I said to him. "It's not like I'm running away." I looked him beseechingly in the eye while trying to find a clever euphemism for running away.

"Then what are you doing with a suitcase and pictures of mom and dad, going to visit Grandma?" He said sarcastically. "I thought things were okay between you and mom?"

"They were, I mean they are." I stammered. "There are other reasons for leaving, Jack. It isn't always because you can't stand someone. Sometimes it's the fear of losing someone else."

"Oh, I get it. Your ditching us for that Nathan guy, aren't you? Way to stick by your family." He said with a roll of his eyes.

"Listen! You don't understand, I don't even understand! I'm not ditching you guys because I want to, it's just… remembered when we were little and we got all upset because Mother kissed Mr. Calvert in a play, do you remember?" He nodded. "Well after that Mother had to explain to us that it was pretend and that she loved Daddy more than anything because he was her one and only."

"Your point?"

"Nathan is my one and only! The only one I get! I'm not just going to let him go and wait around here my whole life for another one when there might not be another one!" I gulped hard stifling a cry. "Let's face it Jack, how many of us know how long our lives are going to be? If I don't go now and spend these years with him I may regret it the rest of my life. Who wants to live like that?"

"I still don't see how he can't just come back for you. But I guess I can't stop you either." I watched his eyes glaze over and his bodies, shaking slightly, recline back and look up at the ceiling. He looked so small. "Honestly, I really don't care. I never did like having a sister."

"Well I liked having you as a brother." I said brightly.

"But what about Mom and Dad? After all that's happened, won't it kill them if you left?" He said this so dryly it was as if this didn't affect him at all.

"Which is why its better I just disappear. If I leave a note telling them what I've done they'll try and come and find me, or worse they'll hate themselves for not giving me reason to stay. If I just go away at least then they won't ask themselves what they did to me, they'll ask themselves what ever happened to me."

"So you'd rather them think you were gone forever than letting them know where to find you?" There was a long break of silence as he turned it over in his mind. "I'd say it was stupid but I guess I would do the same thing." He said, lips curling into a half-smile.

"I need you, Jack!" I beamed, rushing up to his lap and taking his hands in mine. "I need you to promise you won't say a word about me to anyone from now on. I need you to live your life as if I never existed and I need you to help Mother and Daddy do the same. It'll make me happier this way. Please?" I put my hand to his face, feeling the heat radiating from the soft tan of his cheeks. He looked so young, so innocent. I would remember him this way.

"I will, but you have to promise me something too." He said firmly, his little boy determination firing out of his eyes.

"Anything." I told him."

"You have to come back someday. It could be any day, when you fifteen or thirty-two but you have to come back. Mom and Dad aren't going to forget you, neither am I. They're going to be haunted by you the rest of their lives. Maybe if you come back and see us, just for a day, they won't be haunted as much." And then I saw it. Something I had never seen in my brother. A trace of pure fear. Fear that I would never return.

"I promise. I'll see all of you again. I'll never let go of that promise. Never." I sobbed, pressing his frail body to my chest. I was suddenly overwhelmed, not by sadness, but by the feeling of hopeless loss.

"So I guess this is goodbye…for a little while." He cautioned as we broke apart. I ruffled his hair trying not to dissolve into the tears he brought upon me.

"Yes, a little while." I assured. "I want you to have this." I said, pressing the Heart of the Ocean into his palm. "Keep it safe, don't let anybody know you have it. Think of it as some sort of collateral. As long as you have it I have to return." I started to move away from him.

"So it's kind of like your heart. You can't live without your heart so you're going to have to come back for it." He said smiling. He had found his resolution.

"Right." I said, kissing his forehead. "You hold my heart. You always have, baby brother." He made a face and recoiled. It didn't matter though. I picked up a picture of the three of us kids at the beach taken only a few weeks ago. We were all piled on top of mother making silly faces. "I think I'll take this one. Tell them it fell in the fire, will you?" He nodded.

I picked up my bag and headed for the door. "I just want you to know that I don't regret going with you to that party. Even after all the pain it's caused me, it gave me Nathan. And I'm thankful for that." That was the last thing I said to him before I disappeared, not knowing when or if I was ever coming back.