I don't own anything!

Chapter 38

Safe

Bella left the bathroom laughing. Alice trailed behind her, appearing bewildered by the towel wrapped around her upper torso.

Her hair was dry and brushed, and she looked like a completely different person.

"Wow, holy shit … she's gorgeous with all of that dirt off," was Tan's appraisal.

"Yeah. You should've seen her preening with her hair in the mirror. You'd think she was getting ready for a date."

"Well, good to get in the habit. I don't think running around dirty and naked is going to work for very long in the city."

"No, probably not. That reminds me … time for Alice to learn about clothing, I think."

"Don't you suppose they tried that already?" Tan asked. Bella pondered this, and then shrugged.

"I don't know. I'm not sure they ever gave her a fair chance. I think they saw her regress, or change, or whatever, into an animal … and they just let it happen. I think there's more human left than they imagined. Or maybe she's starting to change back. I have no real idea how this shit works."

"I'd comment that we're all human and I still think you're crazy, but it gets harder to keep that up every time I think about the last twenty-four hours." Bella nodded.

"I think any 'there's no such thing as vampires' argument sort of goes out the window after you meet Carlisle. Hey, Alice, you want to put on some clothes?" Alice looked at her, not understanding.

She tugged at the towel, and it fell away. Alice reared back on her haunches and stretched, showing off well more than was proper.

"I could've done without that," Tan commented.

"She doesn't know any better. Come here, Alice. This is a shirt. See? Like the one I'm wearing. Put it on. No … no, the other way sweetheart. That's backwards. That's … Alice, here, let me help." Tan laughed. Bella glanced sideways at her, questioning.

"You sound like my sister. She's got two kids. Also, you're never going to get her to understand the concept of a bra." Bella smiled and rolled her eyes.

"No, I didn't even bother."

"It's been over an hour since all that shooting, Bella, and no one's even bothered to investigate?" Tan had finished counting the money, and was reclining in Mike's chair, feet on the desk, smoking another cigarette.

Bella was sitting on a maroon couch across the room, also smoking, taking a break from teaching Alice how to walk on two feet. The room was nearly dark, illuminated only by the diffuse glow creeping in from the city outside.

"Most of the girls are out right now. The rest are probably hoping he's dead."

"Nice guy, huh?"

"Oh, yes. A warm and friendly person. Mike was loved by all." Bella's voice was dry. Tan laughed.

"Right. Okay, so … what's next? There's four grand and two bags of what I assume is either heroin or coke in the safe. I don't know anything about that shit and don't even want to touch it. Do I get a share of the money?"

"Yeah. Take half. I'd give you all of it, but I need some immediate funds."

"Whatever. Two thousand bucks will make up for one lousy night. That's not enough for you to flee to Mexico with, though. Are you staying here? I think New York might be hazardous to your health, Bella."

There was a thud. Alice had been attempting to cross the room on only her feet, and had lost her balance. She made a sound of frustration. Bella smiled at her, said something encouraging, and turned back to Tan.

"New York is dangerous to everyone's health. I don't give a shit. And I don't really know what's next yet, Tan. Sorry. Right now I'm waiting for Jessica to come in. I need to see her. If she's still alive."

"Jessica?"

"She's a friend. One of the few I have. After I talk with her, Christ … I should run. You should go home, and I should run. I should take off and go to California. Or Europe. Or fucking Japan. Anywhere where Carlisle's not, but …"

Tan arched an eyebrow; spread her hands, waiting for Bella to elaborate.

"But I don't want to do any of that." Bella sighed, ran a hand through her hair, and shook her head. Her jaw clenched. "I'm so fucking tired of living my life afraid, Tan. He took everything I had. When Edward … when it happened, when I felt him go, I almost gave up right there. How am I going to survive? How do I live knowing that Carlisle's out there somewhere? That he might show up any time?

"That the horrible, twisted, evil thing that murdered Edward is still wandering free?"

"I don't know, Bella."

"Me neither. And that's not all. What have I got left here? I have no job. I have three friends, one of whom also now have no job and is still hooked on smack. The other two don't really understand me and don't know how to help me. In another week or two, tops, I'm not even going to be a vampire anymore." Bella rolled her eyes and bit her lower lip, fighting back tears. Tan seemed to be trying to find the right words, but coming up empty. Bella waved her hand, dismissive.

"Don't worry about it, Tan. I'll be okay."

"Look, Bella, I'm just a poor Dominican girl from the Bronx, so maybe it's not my place to say, but maybe you need to look on the bright side? You're not on heroin. You've got friends. This might be a chance to start a new life."

Bella said nothing, just stared, sullen, at the floor. Tan toyed with another cigarette for a moment, and then lit it. She looked concerned.

"What, Tan?"

"You want me to be honest?"

"Yes. I can handle that." Tan shrugged, trying for nonchalance.

"I don't know you very well, Bella. We only met a day ago. But I like you, and I'm worried that you're going to go and do something stupid, like kill yourself or something. I'm afraid to leave you alone." Bella shook her head.

"No, I don't think so. At least, it hadn't occurred to me yet. Not since right after Edward died anyway. I wouldn't do that to you or Alice."

"Good. She needs you to take care of her. And I think you can count her as another friend, and me, so now you're up to five. You could maybe forget Carlisle, if you tried, and go back to a normal life. Would that be so bad?" Bella pondered this, trying to put her feelings into words.

"No," she said after some time. "No, it wouldn't be so bad. Being human is a wonderful thing, in a lot of ways, and I guess I could probably get used to it again. It's being without him that I'll never get used to. I'll never forget, Tan. I … there was love, a lot of it, even though we didn't know each other for that long.

"But that's not all of it. When Edward turned me into a vampire, it connected us in a way that human beings just can't understand.

"The way his mind worked, he was always there, always with me. I didn't even really notice it, not until he was gone. I feel empty, Tan. Like a part of me died with him. That feeling's not going to go away. I can tell you that right now. At best, it's just going to fade a little."

"So what are your options then, Bella? Find another vampire? Make the change again? Maybe you could get Alice to do it."

"Alice's not strong enough. I've been thinking about it since we left the mansion, Tan. I've been trying not to, but I can't help it, and I guess really I know what the next move is. That's why I told you that you could go. You don't need to be a part of this. I don't want you to." Tan closed her eyes, rested her forehead in her palm, and sighed.

When she spoke, she did not look at Bella.

"You're going back, aren't you?" Bella nodded, looking out the window.

The rain on the glass distorted the red light of a neon sign across the street, made it ripple, reminding her of blood. After a moment, she answered Tan's question.

"Yes. I'm going back. I'm going to kill that fucker." Tan was quiet a moment, smoking her cigarette and staring up at the ceiling.

The ghosts of car headlights from the street below made the room pulse as if breathing. Finally, Tan spoke.

"That's crazy, Bella. You said so yourself. You said he was a god."

"The Romans killed God two thousand years ago. Or his son, anyway. Maybe I can do the same." Tan blew air through her pursed lips, unimpressed with this line of reasoning.

"What are you going to do, Bella? Shoot him?"

"No. Yes. I don't know. I'll bring a gun. And a knife. A big one."

"Oh, good. A big knife." Tan rolled her eyes.

"What about garlic? A wooden stake? Maybe some holy water or a cross?"

"That's all bullshit. Carlisle's just like anything else … if you destroy his brain, or his heart, it'll kill him. The problem is that you need something like a nuclear bomb to do it."

"Or a big knife." The sarcasm in Tan's voice was caustic.

"What do you want from me, Tan? I have to try. I'll never forgive myself if I don't try."

"Edward would never forgive you for going back," Tan said. Bella drew in a shocked breath, and Tan looked up at her, saw the expression on Bella's face, and immediately put her hand to her forehead in regret.

"I'm sorry, Bella. Really. That was unfair." After a moment, Bella shook her head.

"No. It would only be unfair you were wrong. But I have to, Tan. I have to. Go home. Get away from this. Forget you ever met me, or Carlisle, or any of us, and go back to your life." Tan considered this, and nodded.

"Okay, Bella. I'm sorry you have to do this, but I know damn well I can't stop you, and I don't know enough about this to try and talk you out of it. I'll stop making you feel bad about it."

"Are you leaving?"

"I have nowhere to be … might as well hang here. I'll leave when you do. Or when we run out of cigarettes. Whichever comes first." Bella nodded, and lit another.

Time passed, and girls began to show up. Bella greeted each with a sardonic grin. Bella had been one of Mike's girls, and they all knew her.

They asked where he was. Mike was out, she told them. Would he be back soon? No … no, she didn't think so.

One by one, each girl got the point. Most left smiling. None had called the cops. Bella might not have brought salvation – many of the girls would simply move on to new pimps and pushers – but at least she had brought them temporary freedom.

Jessica was one of the last, and she came in bruised and bleeding, black eyes like raccoon markings, rail thin. The heroin was finally getting the better of her. Bella could see it in her posture, in her eyes, and in the way it had eaten away at her body.

Jessica took one look at Bella, and her shoulders slumped. She looked down at the ground and began to weep. Bella crossed the distance between them at a run and took Jessica up in her arms, holding the girl, crying herself, murmuring words of comfort to her friend. Finally, through hitching breaths, Jessica was able to speak.

"I thought you were dead!"

"No. Just gone. Are you okay, Jessica?" Jessica sniffled and looked up at Bella.

"Yes. I mean … no. I mean …"

"You'll live." Jessica nodded. She embraced Bella again for a moment, then stood back.

"You look different." Bella smiled at this, wiping her eyes.

"I guess I am. No more smack. No more Mike. At all. We took care of him." Jessica's eyes widened.

"Is he—?"

"Dead? Yes." The expression that followed this piece of news had no business on the face of a twelve-year-old.

It was a combination of satisfaction, glee, and hate. It hurt Bella's heart to see it there, but she understood. She understood very well.

"Good," Jessica said.

"Yes. Listen, sweetheart, how do you feel?" Jessica pondered this a moment, then sighed.

"I don't know. I don't even care anymore. I don't care about the fucking, or the beatings, or what the other girls say about me. I don't care about scoring crack or meth. I don't even like shooting up anymore, but I need it." Bella frowned.

"This isn't supposed to be your life. We're going to change that."

"We are?"

"Yes. Here, hang on a second." Bella counted out several hundred dollars in cash and set it on the desk.

"You're going to take a cab to Smith Street, and get out at Eric's bar on Pacific. You're going to ask the man at the door if you can talk to Ben. Chances are that the guy you're asking will be Ben, but it might be the other bouncer.

If Ben isn't there, tell the bouncer Alex that Bella said he needs to call Ben right now. Can you remember this?" Jessica nodded, big eyes peering at Bella, trying to keep track.

"Good. When you meet Ben, you're going to give him the note I'm about to write, and whatever cash you don't spend on the cab. He's going to take you in until I get back. Trust me, he'll do it. "

"Where are you going? Are you sure?"

"Yes, I'm sure. I'm going away for a bit. I have things I have to take care of."

"Who are these people?"

"Friends. Don't worry about me, kiddo. Get yourself into that cab, and go see Ben."

"Okay, Bella." Bella found paper in the desk, and scribbled out a quick note.

Ben and Angela,

This is Jessica. She's addicted to heroin and she needs your help. She's a sweet, wonderful girl who deserves better, and I'm begging you to help her get through this. I'm sorry there's no notice, but I know I can count on you. Please do this for me. I don't know if I'll ever see you again.

There's something dangerous I have to do. I can't explain. It's too fucked up. Everything is fucked up, but I want you to know that right now, at this moment, I am okay. Better than I ever was. Clean and sober and I have a reason to live, even though I don't know if I will. That's why I need you to help her.

Please. She's just a kid, and I need her to live, even if I don't. Don't worry about hearing from Jessica's former employer. He's dead. If Jessica needs someone to hate, let her hate me.

Thank you so much.

I love you both.

- Bella