October 2006

I'm quiet you know
You make a first impression
I've found I'm scared to know I'm always on your mind

"Damon, seriously. This isn't funny anymore." Elena whispered. The library was fairly vacant that night, only a grad student or two on the outskirts who were hopefully too wrapped up in their studies to notice the random girl wandering around the stacks looking for her unofficial tutor.

Elena twisted around to a new row of books, all of which had weird Chinese symbols on them to indicate their subject. Elena was starting to grow paranoid that Damon had actually just left her. He'd gotten up to take a phone call, but his new favorite hobby had been to jump up from behind and scare her. Elena had gone to the lounge where the elevators were since he typically took calls there, but it had been totally empty. Now she was left wandering the library's fifth floor alone, looking for the guy who was supposed to be helping her with her studies.

Elena began making her way back to where her belongings were. Damon had been tutoring her for a few weeks now, but maybe he hadn't grown as attached as she had. Maybe there was an emergency that forced him to leave without saying goodbye. But it seemed very odd that he wouldn't even text her. Abandoning her didn't seem like something he was apt to do.

But Elena's selfish thoughts halted when she crossed into an aisle filled with psychology books. There was the man she'd been desperately searching for, but he was instead seated on the floor, knees bent with feet flat on the dirty linoleum, his stare straight ahead as though he was trying to see through the books. But what was scarier was the complete absence of emotion in his eyes. If it weren't for his steady, shallow breathing and the subtle rise and fall of his strong chest, she would have thought he was dead.

Elena didn't hesitate, sliding down directly next to him, her side knocking into his gently as if she needed to alert him of her presence. She didn't dare say a word, feeling as if breaking the fragile air with speech would shatter more than just the silence.

"She's pregnant," Damon spoke, the monotone of his voice producing chills down Elena's spine. "Rose is going to have a baby and I'm going to be a father."

Elena took a shaky breath. "You don't want kids?" She asked. She'd sworn he'd talked about his love of family before.

Damon let out a thin laugh. "Yeah. This one's just coming about five years too early." He paused, placing his phone down next to his left hip and then returning to his original position. "I'm not ready for this."

"Come on," Elena placated. "Nobody thinks they're ready to be a parent. Nobody is. It will just come naturally."

Damon hesitated, his tone unsettling as he delivered his next words. "You know what I said to my fiancée when she told me I was going to be a daddy? I said 'Fuck.' I said it twice, too, as if I wanted to double how shitty of a husband I'll be. I can't wait to tell my kid how I immediately wished his mom had just misread the test results. Can't wait to tell him that I still do."

Elena was shocked by how sharp his words were. "Damon, you want a kid. It's just sucky timing." Damon shook his head back and forth, but Elena grasped his forearm, intent on shaking him out of his self-deprecation. "You want a kid. You want to be a dad. You want a cute little baby with pudgy everything who gives an earth-shattering squeal and a huge grin every time you walk in the room." Elena watched as a small smile formed on his face. "Maybe a little girl that abhors the fluffy dresses your mom shoves on her because she's secretly a tomboy. Maybe a little boy that abhors the seersucker suits your mom shoves on him because he desperately wants to wear fluffy dresses." Damon let out a genuine laugh and Elena couldn't help but match it with a giggle. "Hey, it could happen!"

Elena slowly ran her nails up and down the exposed skin of his forearm, his button down having been rolled up to his elbow. She considered that she was mistaken, but she thought she might have heard the lightest groan from him as her fingers provided the soothing sensation of delicate scratches, running through the masculine dark hair. "But it won't matter because he or she will be yours. A child with Rose. You are going to fall madly in love with your baby because that's just the kind of person you are. And you're going to be an amazing father. Plus, if your kid asks, I'll swear on my grave that the first thing you said when you learned about her existence was 'Dear god, I'm the luckiest man on earth.'"

Damon turned his gaze to her for the first time since she'd sat down. "That's pretty hopeful to think you're gonna be allowed to be a part of my kid's life." He replied with a smirk on his face.

Elena balked. "Just for that, I'm going to tell her you also ripped all of your clothes off and ran down the street screaming about it."

Damon's smile grew a little more playful as his gaze became more intense. "You're pretty convinced it's going to be a girl, aren't you?"

Elena nodded, her mouth suddenly feeling slightly dry at his hot stare. "Yeah. Definitely a girl."

Elena hoped the shudder she produced wasn't too obvious as she recognized just how close their faces and bodies were. Looking down, her nails that had once been scraping delicate patterns were now lightly digging into his arm and she wondered if she might leave a dent in his flawless pale skin. A small part of her almost hoped she did. She abruptly decided leaving her mark in him wouldn't be that terrible. Almost subconsciously, her nails dug in tightly and she heard a sharp hiss in her ear. Elena quickly yanked her hand away, placing it on the rolled up sleeve of his shirt and gasped as she saw the scant amount of blood gradually rising from one of the nail marks. "I'm sorry," she whispered, apologetic eyes meeting his own. But he didn't seem too concerned with the wound.

"It's fine," he replied hoarsely. Apparently he was suffering from the same dry throat that had ailed Elena earlier. "It doesn't hurt."

Elena was now completely sure she'd lost her mind, her gaze completely locked in his. Now her fingers played with the smooth fabric of his shirt, but she barely noticed it, still in awe of the newness of the situation. Never in her life had she been this close to a man and she was completely blown away by how a public location could feel so intimate.

"Elena-" Damon whispered.

"Congratulations," she interjected, the only word that she seemed to be able to form. And although it had been intended for the previous baby news, she could barely remember what had gotten them to this location let alone the name of his fiancée.

Damon blinked in surprise. "Thank-" But before he could finish his sentiment, Elena had lurched forward, meeting her lips with his own. She had no clue where the desire had stemmed, but she hadn't given it a second thought once it had occurred.

It took Damon a few moments to respond, but once he did, Elena finally found the fire she'd been expecting. Damon's hand reached around, mussing her hair as he grabbed the base of her head and held her to him. Elena fisted the fabric of his shirt, opening her mouth at the first insistent lick of his tongue against the seam of her lips. The sparks produced by their heated kiss significantly dulled the flashing warning signs of her conscience. Elena would have been embarrassed by the amount of noise they were making if she was capable of caring about anything else. But as Damon yanked her forward and into his half-formed lap, Elena realized she wouldn't be able to think of anything beyond Damon until she was a solid twenty feet away from him.

Damon's kisses moved from her lips across her jaw line and cheeks as though he were tracing a line that only he could see. Elena shivered when his hot breath reached her ear, but his next words shocked her out of her delirious lust-centered haze.

"Wake up."

Elena's head shot back, as his hand gripped her shoulder, steadily shaking it. "What?" She groggily replied, her eyelids starting to feel heavy. The warm wetness that had once been on her lips had all but disappeared and they now felt dry and cold.

All of the heat that had previously been in his eyes was gone and instead he had the sincere grin she was far more used to. "Come on, Elena. Wakey wakey."

Elena shot up from the dated couch, her breath shallow as she began to discern the difference between what was reality and what she'd been convinced was reality for the past ten to fifteen minutes. Damon's gaze was curious, but there was nothing indicating that he knew what the dream world had had her so invested in.

"You alright? Sorry to wake you up, but you insisted you could only have a nap for half an hour. I was just doing my duty as your library buddy."

"Um, that's fine," Elena replied, her hands going to smooth out her clearly mussed hair. She swore she could still feel the heat from his grip on her.

Elena finally recognized her location: the library lounge. As if to punctuate her discovery, a ding sounded from across the small room. A tall, blonde undergrad and her equally blonde friend came out smiling, but the second they caught a glance at the pair near the couches, their grins faded into frowns. Elena fought the urge to roll her eyes. The stereotypical jealousy she'd encountered thanks to her newfound partnership with Damon was absurd. The most romantic their relationship had ever been had just occurred in another universe. Those beautiful blondes had no clue what they were judging. And they also probably had a better shot than Elena if Damon wasn't so damn devoted to his fiancée. Elena blinked at her sudden animosity for a woman she'd never had an issue with before. Apparently, she'd carried over the jealousy of her hussy alter ego from the dream.

Damon lifted a coffee towards her face that she grabbed at gratefully. "Let me guess… stress dream?" Elena's eyebrow quirked as she took her first sip. "Whenever I'm super stressed about something, my dreams that night are really twisted. You look pretty freaked right now."

Elena swallowed, willing her face not to give away just how "freaky" her dream had been. "Uh, yeah. I guess it was pretty weird." She battled with whether she should tell him about the PG-aspect of the dream, but she determined there would be too many questions if she explained. "But we should get back to it." Elena stood up as Damon led the way back to their study room. They'd nabbed it earlier that evening, but after six hours and still far too much to be anxious over, Elena had decided she would need to take advantage of the library's new 24/7 policy. She'd taken the nap to help her get through it and Damon had promised to stay for a few more hours before he'd head back home.

Plopping down at the table, a lurch formed in Elena's stomach as she glanced at the same flash cards that had earlier nearly brought her to tears. "Breathe, Elena," Damon spoke calmly. "I'll make you go back to your dorm if you start to get freaked out again."

Elena's fearful gaze snapped over to his. "I'm serious. You're already exhausted and you know I don't approve of this all-nighter you're trying to pull. It's only going to screw you over on your exam. But I'll let you make this crappy decision as long as you can hold yourself together. A breakdown indicates you're not going absorb anything else." Damon grabbed her chin, ripping Elena's gaze from the flashcards they'd wandered back to. "Elena, can you handle this or do you want to leave?"

Elena gulped, feeling her muscles tense under the combination of stress and his intense stare. "I'll be fine," she replied shakily. Damon probably didn't believe her as he released her jaw, but as long as she could hold it together for the next few hours, he wouldn't have any reason to send her back to her room.

"Alright, get ready." Damon swiped the cards into one pile, shuffling them a bit in order to test her knowledge further. Elena took a strong gulp of the coffee he'd provided and braced herself, taking a deep breath to get her mind in the right place. "Telegraph."

"Invention that made communication easier during the Civil War."

"Stonewall Jackson."

"Confederate general during the Civil War. Given the nickname because his troops at the first Battle of Bull Run stood like a stonewall."

"Minie Ball"

"Bullet designed with a hollow base that expanded when fired. Made for better accuracy and more casualties during the war."

Elena and Damon continued on until the nearly eighty cards were done. Thankfully, she only stumbled over a few. Of course, that was the easy part.

"I want you to write everything you know about artillery and weapons in the Civil War on this piece of paper," Damon stated, placing a torn out sheet of notebook paper in front of her. Elena looked at him pitifully. "Hey, it's one of your possible essay topics. This will help you be prepared in case it's on the exam."

Elena let out a deep sigh, grumbling a bit under her breath as she scribbled down whatever came to mind. She hated nearly every subject she was taking, but this was definitely one of the worst. Next to her, Damon was massaging his forehead subtly and Elena felt a twinge of guilt shoot through her bones. If anything was going to motivate her to work, it was the obscenely generous man who was wasting his time sitting here with overly dramatic and disappointing her.

After about fifteen minutes of regurgitating the information she'd memorized, Damon suddenly leaned over into her personal space. Elena visibly flinched at how close he was and Damon chuckled. "The two ironclad ships in the rivalry were the Monitor and the Merrimac." He scratched away whatever nonsense name she'd written down to replace it with the correct one. "Okay, what did I do wrong?" Damon sighed.

"What do you mean? I'm glad you told me the right answer."

"Okay, but why did you just flinch like I was going to hit you or something?"

"I didn't flinch," she replied, the lie causing her cheeks to flush. Elena had noticed the clear cringe because she did it nearly every time he came too close to her.

Damon rolled his eyes. "Yeah, you did. And you do it a lot now. Did I say something to offend you or hurt your feelings and you're just not telling me?"

"No, Damon. The exam-"

"Elena, you're going to do fine. You've been shoving so much information into your skull the past few hours I'm pretty sure you might explode. Now tell me what's up."

Elena gulped, feeling more heat rise to her face as she considered what to tell him. The recent dreams weren't the cause, but they definitely weren't helping. She'd only had a few, but they were steamy enough to be quite memorable. Elena had realized after only about three study sessions with Damon that she had a crush on him, but she'd passed it off as something silly. But ever since the development, any time he got within a few inches of her or touched her in anyway, she recoiled. And she had no idea how to explain that to him.

"I just… wasn't around guys my age back home a lot. Never this close, that is."

Damon furrowed his brows. "Do I intimidate you or something?" He asked nervously. He only had a vague understanding that she'd been brought up by strict parents, but nothing more.

"No! Well, kind of. I don't know. I guess I'm just… nervous?" Elena fumbled for the right words. She didn't want Damon to feel uncomfortable around her and she definitely didn't want him knowing about her stupid feelings.

Damon slowly nodded, although his eyes indicated the confusion that was still present. "Look, I don't know what your parents instilled in you back home, but I promise: I'm never going to hurt you."

"I don't think you're gonna hurt me, Damon." Elena mentally swore as she felt some tears prick at her eyes. This wasn't even an emotionally draining conversation, but her overly exhausted body was making it one. She tried to blink them away, but Damon noticed.

"Alright, time to go," he said firmly, beginning to gather her study materials for her.

"Damon, no. Please! I need to study more!"

"Elena," he paused in his repacking. "You're going to be fine. You need to sleep. You're at the point where nothing is going to stick if you stay up any later. I swear, you're going to do well on the exam but not if I let you stay here when you're clearly ready to pass out."

Damon leaned over to brush a stray strand of her hair out of her face and Elena, unknowingly, recoiled once again. He sighed, a flicker of disappointment crossing his eyes at the negative effect he held over her and it made Elena want to cry again. She hated that he thought she was terrified of him when it really only stemmed from her absurd attraction and bizarre upbringing. "Come on," he said somberly. "I'll walk you back."

Damon had walked her back to her dorm a few times since they'd started studying together and it always ended up being the best part of her evening. As Elena helped him put away the rest of her stuff, though, she decided she was going to make the walk a far more uncomfortable one that night. She had to help him understand why she was so screwed up. She was going to tell him about her home.

It took about fifteen minutes to get to the freshmen dorms so Elena assumed she'd be able to get enough of it out. Once they exited the library, Elena took a deep breath and prepared herself to tell a story she'd never once told before.

"Damon, I feel like you should know more about what I went through at home."

Damon, who had been silent as they'd left, turned his focus to her, his hands shoved in his jean pockets. "Elena, you don't have to feel obligated to tell me anything."

"I know that, but you deserve to know why I flinch every time you get near me and why I'm so terrible at really basic stuff." As they approached an intersection, Elena braced herself for her next words, pausing on the sidewalk. "Damon, I was in a cult."

Damon came to a screeching halt in the middle of the street, whipping his entire body around to her. "A what?!" Right then, a blaring horn sounded as a car came fast approaching. Thankfully, it was far enough away that Damon could race back onto the sidewalk, but it didn't mean the guy in the car was any less pissed off at Damon's mistake.

"Get out of the road!" The car sped past them, as both Damon and Elena tried to catch their breaths from the frightening encounter.

"Are you alright?" Elena asked, although she could clearly see that there was no physical damage to him.

"You were in a cult?" Obviously, he was done talking about the near-accident.

Elena sighed as they continued to walk, given the now empty street. "Well, I guess cult isn't the right word. Just a really strict orthodox community."

Damon let out a long breath. "Yeah, okay. Next time you use this story, don't use the term cult so sparingly."

Elena smirked, tightening her grip on her bag. "Alright. Well anyways, it was a very small town and everybody went to the same church. The pastor was basically a tyrant and he took what he believed very seriously and made sure his congregation did, too."

Damon nodded. "Okay, so what did that mean for you?"

"It meant… wearing really cheap and very modest clothing. No makeup, no dressing up or being cute. My parents were especially into what was being taught and decided I couldn't even go to the community school that followed all of the same guidelines the church did. I was required to be constantly obedient, never speak unless spoken to, and absolutely zero interaction with boys or men except for family and my pastor." A small smile lit up Elena's face. "There was one thing I cheated on, though."

"Oh, I'm very curious about this." Damon replied impishly.

Elena chuckled. "I wasn't allowed to watch any television or movies or go on the Internet. But… I would say I was going to the neighboring town to serve at a shelter. Instead I had made friends with a girl who had all of that stuff. And every other day I would watch tons of television and movies and just figure out what the rest of the world was doing." Elena hesitated on the next part, already fearing his reaction. "That's when I realized I wanted to be an actress."

She decided to bite the bullet and see what Damon's face gave away. Any other time she'd expressed her "big dreams" to anyone else, they typically just gave her a dubious expression, or at least one that indicated that they knew better. But Damon was smiling, nodding his head.

"Makes sense. You're quite the drama queen."

Elena reached out, smacking his arm. "Ow!" Damon laughed, rubbing the area she'd hit. "I'm kidding. Seriously, I think that's cool. You're actually trying to get out of here."

Elena nodded fiercely. "Yep. The second I can leave this place, the second I'm going to LA and never looking back." She paused, frowning. "Basically every other kid in my town never got to experience the sort of stuff I did. When they go on their leave, they're so overwhelmed by what the real world is truly like that they come running back. They're terrified of it, and the adults know that. It's why they let them leave in the first place. To make them stay in the long-run."

"What's a leave?" Damon asked.

"Um… do you know what a rumspringa is?" Elena asked.

"Is that what the Amish do?"

"Yeah, exactly. Well, I guess our community just kind of stole it. We're allowed to go to college away from the community and then at the end of it, we can decide which world we prefer. Like I said, though, I'll be in the minority when I never come back."

"Do you hate them?" Elena's eyes widened as she shot her gaze to him. She knew exactly what he was asking, but she wasn't sure how to respond. She didn't know the answer for herself.

"I… I don't know. I think I'm just angry about it in general. I mean, the reason I'm drowning in the most basic subjects here is because they knowingly withheld certain material from me so that I would struggle. And when I get invited to parties by people on my hall, I tell them I can't go because I'm legitimately terrified of drunk people or that some weird guy is going to kiss me and I'm going to be totally unprepared. But… my parents were screwed over just like I was. They think it's right because when they went on their leaves, they thought the world was scary and awful, too. Plus, I think they were scared enough to do everything in their power to make me want to come back."

Damon paused in his steps and Elena followed his motion. "So you like the real world?" The way he asked the question was to tease, but she noticed a sincerity in his eyes that indicated his genuine interest.

"I don't know yet," Elena replied honestly. "I know I don't like college… at least not yet. I like wearing nice clothes that my aunt sends me and actually doing things to make myself look decent. I like not feeling horribly ashamed every time a bad thought runs through my head or I really, desperately need to swear. I like being around lots of people who are different than me. I like you." Elena flushed instantly as Damon quirked his eyebrow. "I mean, I'm just glad I met you. You've been so nice to the girl everyone avoids just because she's an idiot who always has botched makeup and won't be social because she's too scared of everything."

A sad smile crossed Damon's features as he came closer to her. "First of all, you're going to love college someday. You just got screwed over for the past eighteen years and were taught to hate it. You'll get into the rhythm of it soon enough. Just give it some more time. Secondly, I know you're a good person regardless of the occasional crappy thought and adorably awkward swear word." Elena smiled. "And finally, and I'll swear on my grave I never said this to you if you go around bragging about it, but you're a very pretty girl. And I don't just tell anybody that."

Elena almost felt like the wind got knocked out of her. She tried to calm herself with rational thoughts. It's innocent, Elena. He's just a nice guy. He would have said that even if Rose were standing right next to him. But a much larger and louder part of her brain was screaming over the fact that Damon had called her pretty.

"You know you're the only person that's ever told me that," Elena murmured.

An unusual sentiment flashed across Damon's features. "Yeah, well, if you'd been living in the 'real world' your entire life, I would definitely not be the first." Damon pushed the lone strand of hair that had fallen out behind her ear. "And there would and should be guys lining up and down the block to get rid of your 'kissing' fears."

Elena wasn't sure what compelled her to say it. Maybe it was because she was excessively tired and not thinking properly. Maybe it was because of how overwhelmingly sweet Damon had been to her. Or maybe she was just completely crazy.

But she did know that when Damon had pushed away that strand of hair, his finger lightly skimming her cheek as he did so, she hadn't flinched or stiffened at all. She had felt totally at ease.

And maybe that's what made her ask her next question.

"So why don't you?"

Apologies for any mistakes in here. I'm uploading this with very minimal review and late at night. Thank you so much for your support and please leave reviews!