In which both of the Universe boys inadvertently expel human filth, and Pearl tries to cope. Written because I wanted to feature Pearl at both her most and least salty. :)
Non-graphic puke warning for this chapter. Don't read if you're nauseated.
at first
"Breeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeuhhhhhhp!"
Pearl flinched at the frightfully loud expulsion of gas behind her, but she didn't stop walking.
"TEN POINTS AMETHYST!" Greg hollered. It was a contest between the two of them now, the sort of encouragement Amethyst really didn't need. And yet the burping was only one of the many horrors of that day, the worst of which were yet to unfold.
Pearl didn't really see how this park was particularly amusing. Greg had promised the four of them a delightful day at Beach City Funland, but it contained all the things on Earth that Pearl could really live without- jostling crowds, mingled screams of delight and terror, the smell of human sweat and all manner of things being deep-fried. That had to be the worst part, the sheer amount of food here. And it didn't help that Greg insisted on stuffing their faces with all of it.
"Ooo! You've got to try this! It's one of those unraveled potato things on a stick!" Greg dragged them over to the nearest stand and hurriedly bought several sticks. "Garnet? Rose? You want one?" He elbowed Pearl and held one out to her hopefully. "Pearl? Is this the human food that strikes your fancy today?"
"No thank you," Pearl said politely. She wrinkled her nose when Amethyst shoved the entire potato in her mouth and swallowed it, stick and all.
"Amethyst, slow down. You know you're going to have to digest all of this, right?" Amethyst ignored her. "Which, I might remind you, can be very uncomfortable to a gem unaccustomed to the process."
"Oh, I'm accustomed to it now. Digestion feels awesome!" Amethyst licked her fingers as if she was still hungry. As if she actually experienced hunger.
"Suit yourself." Pearl turned to see Rose take a big bite out of Greg's potato. She couldn't help but wince. "Do you like it?"
Rose nodded. "It sort of tastes like... Help me out here, Amethyst."
"You've had French fries, right?"
Pearl shook her head.
"Ugh, you're useless."
"Ooo, cotton candy! You have not lived until you've had cotton candy!" Greg cried.
"Didn't you have about seven hot dogs already? Where are you putting all this stuff?" Pearl asked, barely masking her disgust.
"In my stomach," Greg said seriously, patting his gut. "When people eat it travels down a tube called the esophagus-"
"I know what your esophagus is, Greg. Don't patronize me," she said.
"What's your esophagus?" Rose asked.
Greg looked back and forth between them. "See, this is why I never know when to explain stuff-"
"I'll be back later," Garnet interrupted, turning on her heel and abruptly walking off.
"Wait, where are you going?" Pearl called after her. She didn't want to be left with this madness.
"The Tunnel of Love."
Greg frowned. "Do you want... should we all check it out?"
"No," Garnet said expressionlessly. "Just me."
"Okay! Have fun!" Greg called after her. He obviously had no idea what to make of Garnet, but shrugged it off as he did everything else that should have sent him running by now.
"Breeeeeuurrrp!"
Pearl whirled around. "Amethyst, I swear if you do that one more time-"
Rose held up a hand, smiling sheepishly. "Sorry."
Unbelievable. Amethyst was one thing, but she'd almost worry that Greg was even capable of corrupting Rose with his crude habits. "Oh. N-never mind."
Amethyst burst out laughing. "TEN POINTS ROSE!" she yelled.
Greg snickered as well, until he saw the expression on Pearl's face. He hurried ahead on the path and then turned around, walking backwards in front of the remaining Gems. "So, what do you lovely ladies want to do now?"
Pearl wanted to leave. She had only agreed to ride one ride so far, and the incredibly disappointing Spaceship Adventure had only reminded her of how overwhelmingly primitive the technology on Earth was. But the others were having fun, so she pointed to the oversized models of porcelain teacups. "What is that ride?"
"Oh, it just spins. It's kind of boring unless you get it going real fast. But the line's short if you wanna go."
"Oh, I could get it going," Amethyst said, studying the setup with a wicked gleam in her eye.
"I'll wait here for Garnet so she knows where to find us," Pearl said. The others saddled her with all of their belongings, which mostly consisted of Greg's backpack and a gigantic stuffed lion he had won for Rose at one of the carnival booths, and piled into one teacup. They grabbed onto the wheel in the center. Greg put his hand over Rose's.
He really wasn't going anywhere, was he? Pearl leaned against the railing beside the ride and rested her chin on the lion's head. Fifty more years of hot dog eating.
The ride began with a lilting melody, and Greg and Rose and Amethyst screamed in perfect three part harmony. Amethyst cranked the wheel with all her might, which was considerably mightier than the ride had been built to withstand, and the teacup spun until their faces were indiscernibly blurred. Greg's scream rose far above Rose's and Amethyst's in pitch before dropping off altogether halfway through the ride.
It was probably too much to hope that he had flown off.
That was unfair. There was nothing particularly wrong with Greg. His dedication to Rose was admirable- he must have thrown over 100 darts to win that stuffed lion- but he had no real usable skills to defend himself or others. Again, he had to throw over 100 darts. For a toy lion.
The ride came to a halt- well, most of the ride did. Amethyst continued to spin their cup, in defiance of the stopping mechanisms, until the operator yelled at them in a panic. Amethyst stuck one hand out of the teacup and dragged it along the ground until the cup slowed. The door popped open, and Greg stumbled out first. He staggered a few feet to the nearest bench and sat abruptly, cradling his head in his hands. "Rose..." Pearl called, glancing after him.
But Rose and Amethyst were still giggling about the supersonic speed they had attained. "We totally broke the sound barrier!" Amethyst gasped.
"You frightened that poor worker to death!" Rose objected, trying to look stern.
"Rose, your human is in distress," Pearl muttered, not really expecting anyone to hear. She heaved a sigh and walked over to the bench, digging into Greg's backpack for a water bottle.
Amethyst followed her over, screaming, "Hey, GREGORY! Did that blow your mind or what? LET'S GO AGAIN!"
Greg barely raised his head. "Need a minute..."
Pearl held out the water bottle to him with a sniff. Amethyst dragged Rose over and plopped down on the bench beside Greg. "What's the matter, dude? Too much for you?" She slapped Greg's back heartily.
"Crap," Greg said, which Pearl thought was rather vulgar, until a split second later when he leaned forward and spewed something far worse all over the boardwalk in front of him. And over Pearl's shoes.
There was a moment of stunned silence. Amethyst pulled her hand back hastily. "I did not do that. Not my fault!"
"Greg!" Rose exclaimed. "Are you all right?"
He nodded behind his hands, muttering crap again.
Pearl closed her eyes and opened them again. It didn't make the atrocious sight disappear. She lifted one foot and set it down in the mess. Her mouth fell open in a soundless scream.
"Greg, are you… Is this…" Rose looked from the puddle on the boardwalk to the other Gems, bewildered. "What happened?"
"I have no idea!" Amethyst yelled. "I just touched him, and he was like a volcano!" She motioned graphically. "He's never done this before?"
"No," Rose said. "This is new." She touched his shoulder tentatively. "Greg…?"
Of course, they hadn't researched the various facets of humanity as thoroughly as Pearl had. She watched Greg drag an arm across his mouth and struggle to construct a response. At least he had the decency to look ashamed of himself.
"I just threw up, okay? 'M fine."
"You… what?" Rose looked incredibly concerned. But Greg was obviously having trouble explaining the concept of vomiting while still fighting the urge. Pearl bit her lip before coming to his aid.
"Greg has just expelled partially digested food matter. He's experienced a malfunction of the upper digestive tract, likely caused by the intense disturbance to the fluid in his inner ears. However traumatizing it was for the rest of us, he- is- fine," she ground out.
"Oh! You poor thing!" Rose sat beside him, brushing his cheek with her fingertips. He closed his eyes. "Did it hurt?"
Greg shook his head slowly. "Not really. J-just embarrassing." He glanced over at Amethyst, who was staring steadily at him, her face only inches away from his. "What?"
"Do it again," she whispered earnestly.
Greg frowned at her.
"Hey Garnet!" Amethyst yelled as their friend approached. "Look what Greg did on the floor!"
Garnet glanced down, adjusting her goggles. "Grody," she said.
"That was your food?" Rose asked, also glancing down at the mess, completely unconcerned that Pearl was still standing in it. No one had noticed Pearl standing in it. "Do you need more food now?"
Greg laughed lightly, paling again. "Not- not right now. I'm really okay. But thanks." He noticed then that Pearl was still holding the water bottle out to him with a frozen arm. "Oh, awesome. Thanks, Pearl." He looked down and winced. "Sorry about your shoes."
"Think nothing of it," she said icily. "I suppose I can change them."
"Yeah, dude, they're part of her projection," Amethyst said. "She can literally just snap her fingers and change them."
"I could," Pearl replied tightly.
"So why don't you?" Amethyst challenged her.
Pearl walked away from the group, hands in fists. She changed her shoes.
"So Greg… Can you teach me how to do that?" She heard Amethyst ask.
"How to… vomit?"
"Yeah!"
"Amethyst, I'm serious. It's not as fun as you're thinking it is."
"Maaaaan!"
"How was the Tunnel of Love, Garnet?" Rose asked, effectively changing the subject.
"Delightful," Garnet replied. "But I'm ready to leave now."
"Yeah, I'm- I'm good on rides for today," Greg said. "If there's nothing else you want to see…"
"Hey, Pearl, we're going!"
Pearl heard Greg walk over, felt him tap her shoulder. "Hey, I think we're ready to go if you're ready!"
And she couldn't help herself. "Are you sure you don't want to defecate on anyone while we're here?" Pearl asked through gritted teeth.
Greg blinked at her, his face immediately growing red. "I... what?" He actually looked hurt.
"I'm just saying that since you can't seem to control the expulsion of your filth-"
"Pearl, that is enough!" Rose said sharply.
Pearl startled. She hadn't realized the others were listening. Pearl turned back to them, blushing wildly, afraid to meet Rose's eyes. Garnet didn't react, but Amethyst covered her mouth, eyes round.
"I'd like you to show a little bit of compassion, please," Rose said, more quietly.
Rose had never called her out like this. She rarely scolded anyone, and never in front of the others. Not with such a stern look of disapproval. She had never even called Amethyst out in public. And this was so, so far from being Pearl's biggest failure.
"I- I do apologize, Rose," Pearl murmured quickly, her voice shaking. "My- my comment was insensitive."
"Hey, no worries," said Greg, rubbing his neck uncomfortably. "Let's get going."
But the obvious truth remained that she had never apologized to him.
but then
Fresh air.
Pearl relished the clean, quiet night air for just a moment before she made her way up to the washing machine resting on the temple's outstretched hand. Now that the sun was peeking over the horizon, Steven was finally asleep, and she had to move quickly. She dumped the soiled sheets into the machine and leaned against the lid, running through a mental checklist of all the things she needed to get done before he woke again. She had left a message for Greg at the car wash. She had wiped down the bathroom, sink and toilet, and mopped the floor. Pearl thought she might as well start on reorganizing the medicine cabinet, but the moment she walked back into the house, she knew the brief respite was over.
"Pear-uhhhhhhhl!" The somewhat strangled sound made her heart sink. It had hardly been forty-five minutes since he drifted off. She hurried upstairs and found Steven sitting up in bed, sobbing quietly behind his hands. She sat down beside him.
"What's the matter, Steven? Did you throw up again?" The smell answered her question, but the sheets she had just changed still seemed mercifully clean.
Steven nodded miserably. "All over Sir Bearington..." He held out the soiled toy to Pearl. "And now he's never going to forgive me… ever..." He broke off into a fresh round of sobs as Pearl took the bear, pinching it between two fingers.
"Oh, now of course he will. One quick wash and he'll be right as rain." Pearl set Sir Bearington aside. With her other hand, she brushed the hair off his sweaty forehead. "Steven, do you remember that I put this bucket here for you to use if you needed it?"
Steven glanced down to the floor with bleary eyes. "Well, NOW I remember!" he wailed, flinging out his arms in exasperation. Pearl pulled his stained shirt over his head for the second time in an hour. Maybe this time she might as well leave it off.
"It's okay, Steven. I know you're very tired." He was crying so hard that he had started to hiccup. "Try to calm down. Deep breaths. You're only going to make yourself-"
She'd barely gotten that sentence out when one of his hiccups transformed into a cough and then she shoved the bucket in front of him just in time. Pearl rubbed his back as he retched. "Just breathe. It'll be over in a minute."
Twenty-four hours. The worst should be passed in twenty-four hours.
When he was done, Pearl pulled the bowl away and handed him a tissue. "Blow," she instructed. He blew a mess of goo all over his face and then decided to hug her, burying his streaming nose in her middle. Pearl gently tilted his head back and grabbed a cloth from the nightstand. She wiped his face carefully.
"Any better?" she asked, smoothing his hair.
Steven took a shaky breath, wrapping his arms around his own belly. "This is it. This is the end for Steven." He flopped back against his pillow. "Give all of my guys to Onion."
Despite his dramatic words, a little of the pain on his face had eased. Pearl laughed quietly, relieved. "You'll feel better in a few hours. Let me take your temperature again."
She stuck the thermometer under his tongue and hurried to wash out the bucket and the cloth. She needed to find somewhere to stash that toy until she could properly launder it. In the doorway of the bathroom, out of Steven's eyesight, she let herself shudder violently. Elsewhere in the temple, the telephone rang once, but it stopped before Pearl could think about moving to answer it.
Amethyst burst into the room then, yawning and talking too loudly into the phone. "Yeah, I'm in there now. He's been tossing cookies since like three this morning."
"Don't call it anything cute," Steven moaned. "It's not cute."
Amethyst covered the phone with one hand and whispered to Pearl, "It's the Gregmeister." Then into the phone, "Yeah, he's awake, do you want to talk to him?"
Pearl pulled the thermometer out of Steven's mouth as he took the receiver. "Hi, Dad."
"Hey, kiddo. How are you holding up?" Pearl faintly heard Greg ask.
"I died," Steven said. "And now I'm dead."
"That good, huh?"
"I think I'm on the ocean... Because I am very, very seasick. And the whole room is doing like wooooooooo….wooooo..." He gestured to imitate a rocking boat, which of course Greg couldn't see. "I must have puked eleven...teen...hundred times."
"That's no bueno, buddy. Try to sleep if you can. I'm gonna come by at lunchtime and bring you guys some stuff. Okay, I'm sending you a hug through the phone."
"Hug received," Steven said wearily. Pearl took the phone and glanced at the thermometer display in her hand again. She spoke to Greg in a hushed tone.
Steven rolled over to face Amethyst, who had sprawled out on the bed beside him. "Why is this happening to me?" he whined. "Why does this stuff never happen to you guys?"
"Hey, gems aren't invincible or anything," Amethyst told him. "But look at your rock." She tapped the gemstone in his bare stomach lightly. "Completely spotless. Means that's your human side making you sick, dude."
"Hooray," Steven said flatly.
"Hey, if you can sleep now, when Garnet gets back, maybe I can convince her to do a four-handed puppet show for you."
"That's not possible." His eyes started to drift shut.
"Oh, that's what you think."
"...and probably some of that colorful drink to prevent dehydration?" Pearl said. "I don't remember the name of it, but Amethyst likes to dump coolers full of it on people."
"Gatorade. Got it," Greg said earnestly. "Anything else you need me to pick up?"
"Maybe soup? We'll see what he's up to this afternoon." Pearl smiled wearily. "You're a lifesaver, Greg."
Greg hesitated on the other end of the line. "Let me close up the carwash, Pearl."
"You don't have to do that." He couldn't afford to, to be more precise.
"C'mon, you've been up since three AM."
"Gems don't sleep, Greg."
"I know, but still. I know how much you hate-"
"It's nothing. Really," Pearl insisted quietly.
Greg clicked his tongue. "Keep rocking in surround sound, then. I'll be there when I can."
Pearl hung up to the sound of her name wailed yet again, this time with Amethyst joining in an anxious chorus. Steven sat up in bed, clutching at his blanket with panic in his eyes.
"I... I didn't throw up..." he whispered.
And Pearl just sighed. Those sheets weren't going to change themselves.
Hahahahaha. I'm a bad person. More to come. :)
Feedback, good or bad, sustains my soul.