Nín hǎo! I am China!

All of you that live in the first world know that nearly everything sold in your countries is "made in China". Just pick up any plastic object in your home and look on the underside.

Your toy dinosaurs that you used to play with as a kid?

Read the belly. "CHINA"

The plastic coating to that "Texas" Instruments calculator you bought? "Made in China."

That stuffed animal you've got hanging from your backpack as a keychain? Read the tag: "Made in China."

All made by me.

Now every once in a while you will find something "Made in Taiwan", but my sister is kind of a part of China too.

Anyway, I got tired of making Mardi Gras beads and I left the job to the girls that live in the factory.

I am fascinated by the things that America has me make. I have no idea what most of them are, but I hope that he really likes them!

Even though he is a jerk who borrows massive loads of money from me, an already-poor country only to never pay it back...

That is why I like being Communist. We all care about each other instead of the poisonous commercialism that plagues the other stupid countries, especially America.

Anyway, I was looking at a bunch of colorful sticklike objects that America - and France - had ordered in massive quantities. France had ordered nearly as many as America, which is strange because America is a much larger country.

I hand-made a few of them - that's right, everything I sell to your countries is handmade!- and I ran my fingers over the strange slightly curved surface. There was something familiar about the way it was shaped...

But of what use could these objects possibly be? They are not sharp enough to use as any sort of tool, not thin enough to probe narrow crevices with, not aerodynamic enough to be used as bullets, and not whimsical enough to be any sort of children's toy.

The stick was thicker than my finger, and longer too. In fact, it was about the same length and thickness as my...

I GET IT! It was a jiǎ yángjù - a false penis!

It is against my country's traditions for males to engage in sex with other males.

However, there is nothing wrong with having some fun with a plastic object!

I tried to shove it into my anus, but it was a little too tight. I jammed it in harder...

AYA! It hurt! It chafed the rough, dry interior of my rectum. It would have felt good, however, if it were a little wet...

Now where is that goopy wet stuff Japan was ordering me to make...

Ah, yes, the false penis felt good when it was all wet. It was nice having a fake penis that I could insert into myself, as hard as I like, instead of having another country insert his own into me, often forcibly and without my consent...

Russia is my main perpetrator.

But no matter. I could pretend this falsie is anybody I want it to be!

Now let's see...

Japan? The capitalist traitor... after I brought him up to be the fine young man he is today, he broke apart from me and set his own language and traditions!

Still, he is a sweet guy... we are like yin and yang; old and young, I am the nation where the sun sets, while he is the nation where the sun rises.

He probably wouldn't ever do to me what I would in my sickest dreams want him to do... but I could always pretend...

I rubbed it forward, at the part where it felt really good. I grunted and moaned, all the while pretending that Japan was violating

me.

"Aya, Rìběn... keep out of me, I have more than ten times the soldiers that you do! Keep your imperialistic capitalistic ways to yourself!"

Ohh, but he was overpowering me...

"All right. I'll give in, a tiny bit. But don't expect too much, I already gave up Hong Kong..."

HEY! How about I invade Japan and shove Communism down his ass and show him how he likes being invaded!

I probably should not, because then America will get involved in his quest to stamp out Communism and spread Red Scare horror stories...

Hey, it's all right, this is only make-believe, after all.

I pull the false penis out of my asshole - it feels good coming out - and then press it as hard as I can up against my yángjù.

My own yángjù becomes harder and harder, and grows (it is not quite as big as the false one, though) and gets wet fluid everywhere. I batter it until the false one breaks, with a loud snap, for it is made of a hard but apparently brittle plastic.

By now I have had my satisfaction, but I am disappointed by the poor quality of the plastic object.

Oh well. What can you expect when they are made by little girls that are paid with pocket change salaries?