Evening, all. I am England.

Or Britain, many people get the two confused. Quite frankly, I am really not sure whether I represent all of Britain or not anymore...

Anyway, I was at home alone one day, eating a fish and chips TV dinner, watching BBC on the good old telly. Apparently America is debating whether to crack down on pirates or not... I seriously hope that, for his benefit and for the benefit of the world as well, that he does not pass the SoPA bill...

Anyway, I only had a small shot of whiskey tonight.

Quite frankly, that was all I had left.

So that night I was reusing my last packet of Earl Grey instead - and I NEVER reuse my tea packets.

I thought to myself, what a boring Friday night this is. I should be have been out living it up with... someone... instead of stuck here, ALONE.

I would have been at the pub, but I had been banned from it for a month for... ahem, getting too drunk and starting a fight with France... which included a sexual liaison... I'd say I got off rather easy, all things considered...

I groan. Flying Mint Bunny flutters over to me.

"Flying Mint Bunny, I am bored. Why can't I get a date with anyone?"

"Maybe because you are a loser?" he teased.

"A LOSER? I was pretty damn WILD last Saturday night, if I recall correctly!"

"Well, look at you. Eating from a TV dinner. Watching BBC. On a FRIDAY night. If that doesn't scream loser, then I don't know what does."

"For your information, you minty green twit, the only reason I am not out tonight is because I was BANNED from the pub for living it up a little too much!"

"Well, if you're not a loser, then why aren't the fairies out to do you tonight? Tee hee!"

"Come to think of it, I could go for a good tickling... Minty, would you do the honors?"

"Tee hee! Nope!"

"Why, you..." I got up, ready to strangle Mint Bunny's fuzzy green neck.

"Tee hee, just kidding! You actually have a very special visitor tonight!"

"Who, Captain Hook?" I had to admit, I rather enjoyed Hook's vicious S&M play.

"Nope, tee hee!"

A rainbow shone into my living room, and a glorious unicorn pranced in.

"Why, Magical Rainbow Unicorn! Haven't seen you in a while!"

Magical Rainbow Unicorn strode over to my arse.

"Go on, drive it in already..." I waved my hand over, beckoning for him to drive his magical horn up my arse.

And he did.

"OOOH, that feels simply SPLENDID, Uni! Go on, do it again!"

Magical Rainbow Unicorn shook his head and beckoned with his horn for me to go on his back.

"What, you want me to go for a ride? Why, certainly! But first allow me to remove my clothes. I mustn't allow myself to ruin a perfectly good suit!"

I completely stripped myself, then I hopped onto Uni's back and off I go!

I bounced up and down on him as he rocked up and down like one of America's bucking broncos.

"Now that's the way to do it! Make me nice and hard, tallyho!"

I get really rough on Uni, and he whinnies.

"Ooh, I do love it when you whinny! More, MORE!"

I shoved myself harder onto Uni's back until my wanker became fully erect. I drove it into his back, and he whinnied like he had been hammered with a, well, hammer.

I drove my hammer into him more. Haha, the sadistic, sick twisted pervert in me LOVES to inflict pain! Captain Hook always insisted on me being on the receiving end, as did Uni most of the time, but this time, I discovered exactly HOW MUCH I loved playing the sadist!

I drove Uni bonkers until he burst through my front door outside.

"HAHA now THIS is what I call living it up! Oh, wait until France hears I did a UNICORN!"

I rode ALL THE WAY TO TOWN on him! RIGHT in front of the pub that I was kicked out of!

"Sorry, love, we can't go to this one! But there's got to be another pub in London Town, am I right?"

Uni nodded and trotted down the street while I sang,

"London bridge is falling down,

Falling down,

Falling down,

London bridge is falling down,

MY... FAIR..."

I stood up on top of Uni to sing the last note in my rich operatic voice.

"LAAAADYYYYY!"

Everybody stared at me. I ignored them and looked around.

"Oh, look, Uni, that looks like a good pub!"

I rode in, humming the London Bridge tune until Uni tossed me off and pointed at his own arse with his horn.

"What? You want me to... no, I'm sorry, Uni, but I'm afraid that whether I am indeed a Protestant or a Catholic, that bestiality is just plain wrong..."

Uni neighed and poked my pecker with his horn.

"OWCH! Damn it, it feels good when Hook does it! All right, all right, I'll confess it and repent for forgiveness this Sunday..."

So I shoved my wanker up Uni's arse - or tried to, anyway, but it was just TOO TIGHT...

"Damn it, are you a virgin unicorn? No wonder you want it shoved up so bad! All right, I do believe some rubbing alcohol will do the trick..."

So I took a bottle of Scotch from the person at the bar next to me, took a sip of it, and dip my wanker in. I then drank the rest and smashed the bottle on the floor.

My hammered wank fits quite well into Uni's tight arsehole. After I shove it all the way in, he squeezed on it... DAMN THAT FEELS GOOD!

"OH JESUS SWEET MOTHER OF MARY! Ohhh... Uni... auh... AUGH... "

I rode his arse, in public, in the nude, but I don't give a damn, he feels SO DAMN GOOD! This might have very well been the best jolly good fucking I have ever had!

I began speaking in tongues... I guess I am a Catholic after all... and I inseminated all into his arse.

The semen dripped from his arsehole... hold on, THAT'S not an arsehole...

It looked like a wet, inseminated broom rod... with a stuffed horse head on the other end...

And there was cum all over the floor, including the smashed Scotch bottle...

And all the people there were either too hammered to give a damn or right terrified out of their wits...

Terrific. I rode a hobby horse, in my birthday suit, all the way through London town, on that Flying Mint bastard's suggestion.

I guess I was more smashed than I thought...