YES I'M FINALLY BACK! Sorry for the long hiatus between updates, I, uh… *tries to think of excuses for laziness*

Uh, yeah, I was studying… and depressed… and being put on drugs that made the depression worse you know and not feel like writing but that's all over now I am back to being calm and happy and creative and productive. So far I have found that a combination of low-dose one-a-day Adderall, a daily caffeine drink and a cup of morning valerian tea is optimal for my energy, focus, creativity, drive, mood and overall well-being :) Not saying it works for everyone though...

I know, how could I possibly write a chapter on America that can top anything americalovesthecockpit has ever written?

BUUUT, well, I got a good idea from chatting with a buddy that I know from here on FF last week, partially concerning an important decision Alfred has to make in a couple of months…

Also, this might contain material that is offensive (mostly racially) to some of my fellow Americans… but you already knew that or you wouldn't be reading this right? I mean hell it's only fair after that chapter about Germany…

Howdy! I'm America! Land of the free, home of the brave, best damn country in the world FUCK YEAH!

So that time of year was coming up, see. The time of year that I have to pick a new leader. Always such a tough decision… I'm afraid I didn't make a good choice the last two times, see. Geez, that republican Bush guy sucked, I only picked him again because the other guy was a douche and besides Bush kept us safe from being terrorized again after 9/11… damn I know it isn't funny, those hijacked planes hurt like hell! But you gotta admit, it was pretty damn funny that those terrorist ragheads knew our emergency phone number, teehee… 911 GET IT? I should have called 911 that day but I panicked…

And then after him I picked this black dude named Obama. It was a tough choice, I know, his name sounds like a terrorist's, (psst – his middle name is HUSSEIN) and well, he's black, and that pisses a lot of the white conservatives off. But, you see, I am actually part black, even though I don't look it, but it's all right there in the gene pool. Besides, Obama is part white… and well I picked him in the end because he promised CHANGE. None of the GOP peoples ever promised that. I was just about through with them anyway. They were fucking me up pretty bad, at least according to NBC and CBS and FOX and all those other news channels…

But, well, now Obama is fucking me up pretty bad according to them as well. Geez I'm not sure I even know the difference between the Dems and the Republicans anymore… maybe I should just pick somebody from the Green party. You know, the guy that sabotaged Al Gore's chances of winning, I forget his name… or that one old Libertarian fella who runs year after year, I forget his name…

SOOO, now FOX is telling me that my two choices this year are Obama again, and Mitt Romney.

I remember Mitt. He tried to run 4 years ago but apparently couldn't make the GOP ticket haha.

Hmm, tough decision… Obama sucks, but Romney is a born-rich bastard who might be worse… daaaaang who is the lesser of two evils?

I didn't care. I just lit a bong and puffed on it. I'm so glad marijuana isn't illegal anymore… well not in California anyway, which is where I got a prescription for… errrm, pre-election anxiety. Yeah.

You know, the candidates look pretty gosh darn sexy. Maybe I should pick the hotter one…

FUCK! They're both so hot… so polished, suave, good at ass kissing… yeah I've got a thing for crooked politician types. Shoot me.

Too bad I was all alone. Just me and my hand…

HEEHEE! I just got a really neat idea! But I needed some Crayola markers…

Hmm, should I make my left hand Romney or Obama? Pfft, Obama, DUH! He's the lefty of the two, right?

I scribbled all over him with brown Crayola marker (the washable variety of course, nontoxic of course so it won't poison my fist, or other parts for that matter ;)

Finally I drew a face on the niqqa. That and some big fat red niqqa lips.

I made the little fisty-face talk, saying, "I'm Barack Obama, and I approve this message" in my very best Obama voice.

"Oh, Barry… hmmhmm, so I hear you're the greatest ass kisser in the world, is that true?"

I made Barry laugh his high niqqa laugh and then put him to my rear. Not did he kiss it… he sniffed it, licked it, probed it, it all felt so slippery good with the nontoxic marker as lubricant.

"Uh oh… OOOooohh, BARRY…." My eyes made that little Japanese face (remember the song? Back in 1980, I believe… I think it was Arthur's band though…) as I began to pop a boner.

I took Barry's face out of my pants. He looked a little less black now. I'll bet he got my ass good and black though. I got flashbacks of ole Mr. Confederacy's warning: "THAT SHIT DON'T WASH OFF" but in this case it does, it's WASHABLE!

Barry looked at the bulge growing in my pants and then my fist – I mean his mouth made a little "o".

"Did I do that?" he said in my best Steve Urkel impersonation. LOLOL black guys are so funny! What's even funnier is that Barry and Urkel look exactly alike, and so do all other black people for that matter! I mean, dafuq? White people don't look like other white people… well except me and what's-his-name, my brother…

"Oh yes you DID do that, my little butt-kissing Barry." I pointed my right hand in a teasing gesture at him.

My right hand…

I drew a little face on my right fist to make it look like Romney.

"What the hell did that Negro Sodomite do to you? My, my, he ruined our country!"

"Put a silver spoon in it, Rob-me!" Barry said to Mitt.

"We're all still waiting on that birth certificate, O-Bomb-a", Mitt said to Barry.

"Guys, guys, take it easy, you both can have your share of me…"

"What in God's name… Good lord what's become of this country, first gay marriage and now legal man-on-man buttsex, what next? Equal rights for poor people?" says Romney.

"This from a guy from one of the few states to legalize gay marriage," I told him. "Listen, whoever does the best job at kissing my ass gets my vote. You got me?

"OK!" Mitt gets to work picking at my anus. You know, maybe it's because I'm right handed, but Mitt so far was a better butt-kisser!

"What about me? I'm not finished!" Barry moaned.

"Shut up. I have another mission for your fat ole blowjobbing niqqa lips."

"Whuh? OK but only if I can have watermelon and fried chiggin afterwards."

LOLOLOlolol stereotypes ROCK!

"Oh and Koolai."

Koolaid. Hmm I like Koolaid too, and not just because it's advertised with that awesome dude that goes "OH YEAH!" and looks like a red Jack-o-lantern. Heh, must be the African in me.

"It's a deal Barry! Now give me a good suck down!"

Barry starts rubbing his tight "o" mouth up and down over my erection. Dang he's good. Well not as tight or as fast as Mitt should be, he being my right hand and the one I use most often, but all the slippery brown ink on him (I freshened him up of course) felt good, even though it was making my dick look like a black African's.

"Dbwagyadugahzasmpaaahwvaabpo ah" Barry said, tightening and loosening over my dick to the rhythm of his speech.

"Haha what? Speak up!"

Barry spits my dick out, his face dripping with brown ink-mixed precum. "I said 'dang your dick is small, white boy.'"

NOT FUNNY! "Mitt, it's your turn now!"

But Mitt was already blowing me. He had ran up to finish what Barry started as soon as Barry spit me out. And he was blowing me DAMN good! Nice and fast and just the right rhythm, Barry was a little awkward at it…

"Hey not fair! Affirmative action means that I should get more opportunity!" Barry complains, punching Mitt and trying to grab my dick back.

"And WHY? Considering the average Negro IQ is lower than the average White's, it's only fair and just that WE should get more opportunity!" Mitt screamed, clutching me at the balls.

OOH.

Barry punched Mitt back – which meant punching my balls and it kinda HURT…

"I'm calling the N double A C P!"

"I'm calling the KKK!"

"Oh no you di'int!"

"Niqqa!"

"Nazi!"

"Go get lynched."

"Well… you still can't dance, white boy."

Mitt and Barry were fighting over my dick… and it felt kind of good. Not the racial tension, but they way they were squeezing it and tugging it and sliming over it… DAAAANG I can't ever recall having such an exciting fapping spree! This was even more awesome than the time I bought a map of England and… oh never mind hehehe somebody else wrote that story (check out americalovesthecockpit's FAP FAP FAP)

"Guys, stop, I'm about to finish…"

And so I climaxed. I was actually laughing through it, in a really crazy high pitched voice, geez I hope the neighbors didn't hear… or that my pet alien didn't secretly record it and distribute my fapping session over the internet…

Mitt and Barry were all covered in sticky cum. "So who won? Tell us tell us!"

"Um, actually… I really can't decide. You two kinda look the same." Yea they did, the cum washed all the marker off of them. So they don't look like wannabe presidents anymore… they look like… hands ._.

"WE DO NOT LOOK THE SAME ONE OF US IS BLACK AND ONE OF US IS WHITE!" The crazy handfists roared.

"The color is just a wrapper, you two taste the same underneath!" Just like when Doritos got new packaging, new look same great taste. Couldn't say the same for new Coke though… YUCK! Anybody remember that? Well probably not if you weren't alive or old enough during the 80s…

Haha… I guess this is what happens when one tries fapping while high…

And then the doorbell rang. Aw Jesus what is it more Jehovah's Witnesses? They know my NAME now… that's what I get for being sucked into longer than a two-second conversation with them…

I pull up my pants and wipe my hands on the couch. Hopefully nobody notices… if anybody asks I'll tell them Americat puked there.

I answer the door. It's a nice looking old man, he looks kind of familiar, like the kind of guy who would run for president.

"Hello, I'm Dr. Paul, and I'm here for a house call, how are you?"

"House call? I don't remember scheduling a house call…" hell I didn't even know doctors did house calls anymore…

"Well I'm not going to be real nosy or anything, I'm just being a good Samaritan, that's all."

"Ok, well, have a seat… NOT over there…" I steer him away from the couch and into the armchair.

"Why, thank you. So I understand you are suffering from pre-election anxiety?"

"Well yeah it's tough being a country, especially the country that has to be the hero…"

"Listen, Alfred, maybe it's not healthy for you to try and be the hero all the time?"

"But…"

"You need to take care of yourself first. Leave the Afghanis alone. How would you like it if other countries were nosing around telling you what to do all the time?"

"Don't remind me…" I remembered back when I was one of England's colonies.

"You also hate it when your boss does it to you right?"

"Pfft, yeah, like O-BOMB-a, he's trying to take my guns away and shit…"

"By the way, how are you managing your anxiety? Not with Big Pharma neurotoxins I hope?"

"Nah, just a bowl a day of Mary Jane…"

"Well, that's good, then, if it's working for you, just take care not to overdo it ok? One little accident from getting a little too high on it and the feds will be all over it, they'll step in and try to take that right away from you faster than you can say 'I pledge allegiance'. Well I've got to go now, I was just checking up to make sure you were ok. Gotta stay strong and free, you know?"

"You betcha!" I took Dr. Paul to the door. "Thanks Dr. Paul, and good luck with being a doctor and… stuff!"

"You're welcome. And please, call me Ron." The doctor winked at me before he left.

Wow, this doctor Paul dude seems like a pretty cool person! He should TOTALLY run for President!