"-It doesn't hurt me. Do you want to know how it feels? Do you want to know that it doesn't hurt me? Do you wanna hear about the deal that I'm making? You... it's you and me. And if I only could, make a deal with God, I'd let him swap our places. Be running up that road, be running up that hill, be running up that building. So, if I only could..."
-Kerli: Running Up That Hill
Her name was Michelle Chua.
And she ran away. It was as simple as that. And it was so lonely, so confusing, so damn maddening and frightening to be on her own like that, but she didn't care. It was crazy, really, the way she did it. The way she upped, packed her bags and left that house after secretly booking a flight to a small, but busy town somewhere miles and miles from where she lived.
The further the better, she thought. I have to get away. Away from here. Away from all this shit.
It was a desperate and reckless move. She didn't care! She didn't know where she was going, but she still left. She wanted to. She couldn't stand it anymore, it was driving her nuts.
The way her father always yelled at her to be more useful, to be more smarter, to be more hardworking, to be more like her sisters, to be someone she's not? Behave, Michelle, behave. Work harder! Your scores are lousy, He scolded. Why can't you be more like my friend's son? All the children besides you are so hardworking! No one else is like you!
Yeah, she could deal with that. Only because she loved her father so damn much. She never said a word against it. She didn't want to appear spoiled. He was already giving her so much...
Stressful, stressful, stressful. It hurt. The first child, right? She had to be the best. What else was she suppose to do?
The way her best friend betrayed her so easily. She wasn't good enough for anyone, even her friends. If a friend of seven years could turn away like that, suddenly decide to dispose of her because she suddenly found someone 'cooler' and 'better' and so much more 'fun', who needed her? Not her.
I can't take your shit anymore, you're fat, ugly and short, She didn't know May felt that way about her. Like an abrupt slap in the face. She left her cold and hanging even after the eleven messages she sent, begging her to explain what was going on. Yes, she did have a bit of a temper and yes, she tend to get selfish and stubborn sometimes, but... why? Sayanora, my ex-bestfriend.
Michelle understood that. Well, she wasn't good enough, right? She could deal with that too. She understood perfectly. May had her own mind, her own choices to make. What she didn't understand was that why May had ran off with Valerie, who was also her second best friend, when she was the one who introduced them to each other?
Confusing, confusing, confusing. It hurt so much. It broke her down and made her feel like a complete and utter loser. No other friends? Yeah. Because apparently, she thought that May and Valerie were everything she ever needed. Was she wrong?
Before she knew it, she could barely find the will to smile or laugh anymore. Locked herself up in the room, staying up late nights to waste away on the internet that she relied on as a source of entertainment. Isolation only leads to more disasters to come.
Failing exams (you're not smart enough.), disappointing people over and over again (you're not useful enough.), losing people you loved (you're not worthy enough.), your parents constantly arguing and accusing each other of committing infidelities (won't you do something? cowardly daughter.), your younger sisters surpassing you (it's like you're getting stupider and stupider.), always getting poked fun at for physical flaws (you can't even get THAT right, can you?)...
Stop..
Stop...
STOP!
(...Sometimes goodbye is a second chance. Don't give up. Not yet.)
...So, she ran.
She picked up her shattered ego, her panic-stricken mind and her dented heart and came to this small town. First, it was messy. She didn't know where to go, or where to start, or what to do. She figured she should find a place to stay, but until then she lived in cheap hotels because she never really rented a place before. She was so scared. So pathetically clueless, as well. A fourteen year old girl? Here? Hah! What a joke. What a mess. She wasn't going to last a month here. The world was going to gobble her up like a monster opening up its sharp jaws, waiting for a tasty, young snack to walk straight in.
The thought of running back home with her tail between her legs sickened her. She never answered the calls or messages or emails her father tried to get through to her by. She couldn't do it. she didn't have the guts to. Sick with guilt, and plagued with loneliness, she decided maybe she should try distracting herself by leaving that tiny, mopey hotel room and take a walk around town. Not like she had anything to do, anyway.
When you're a foolish, fourteen year old girl with no friends, no family to turn to, you're bound to go insane. It felt like everyone she passed was staring at her, mocking her behind her back with she wasn't looking.
'Hey, little girl, just go on home. There's nothing for you here.'
'What do you think you're doing? Turn around and run home to daddy! That's it...'
'We don't need more like you here, typical waste-of-space...'
(Do you hear that? Laughter. They're laughing at you, stupid. Walk faster, hurry up, get away. Run away. That's what you're best at. Even from your own mind, your own imagination...)
Heeeeyyyy, girlie, you look like you wanna have some fun? Wanna go back to my place for a night you'll never forget, whore? Michelle stumbled backwards, nearly screaming when she bumped into a drunken man, dressed in things tattered enough to be called rags. He swung a bottle of cheap whiskey in his left hand and reached out for her with his right, smiling a lecherous, toothy grin.
He touched her arm and she found enough sense left in her to smack it away, whipping around to speed off in the opposite direction. Tears prickled up in her eyes and she shook, disgusted, embarrassed and utterly petrified. The world was horrendous. Her feet burned from running.
At the very end of town, she came to a place called Ocean Peak. It was more of an old, abandoned cliff where no one really went to. Ocean peak stretched out towards the sea, raising up a towering, mossy tree that hung vines on its branches, swaying with the ocean's salty breeze, along with a faded sign that had the 'e' scraped out from the place's name.
Michelle sat behind that tree, staring with dead eyes out into the water; miles and miles of deep ocean acting like a haunting reminder of how far away she was from home. She sat there for hours. For the whole day, maybe, and when the stars finally lit up the sky, she raised her head, got to her feet and screamed.
and screamed...
and screamed...
And screamed.
Snapped.
(When you have no one to turn to, no friends, no family, who do you talk to?)
WHY? GODDAMMIT, WHY? I'M HUMAN TOO. I HAVE FEELINGS TOO, CAN'T YOU SEE? ARE YOU BLIND? AM I THAT MUCH OF A PAIN, OF A MISTAKE, UNTIL THE MERE SIGHT OF MY FACE MAKES YOU WANT TO VOMIT? WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME? WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU? FUCK. HELP ME, FUCKING HELL, HELP ME ALREADY. DON'T LEAVE ME HERE. HELP ME.
(I turn to God. If he's up there. If he's willing to listen.)
I'M TIRED... SO FUCKING TIRED. WHAT? ARE YOU TELLING ME I CAN'T BE? CAN'T I EVEN HAVE THAT? I'M SO SICK OF THIS. IT'S LIKE I'M SUFFOCATING. WHY IS NOBODY HELPING ME? I'M WORN OUT, EXHAUSTED, AND I DON'T FUCKING KNOW WHAT I WANT TO DO ANYMORE! I WANT TO BREATHE. I WANT TO FEEL LIKE I'M WORTH MORE THAN THE DIRT BENEATH PEOPLE'S FEET. I WANT TO BE MORE THAN JUST A FUCKING BRAT STRANDED ON A DAMN CLIFF, JUST BECAUSE SHE SCREWED UP BIG TIME. I WANT TO LIVE. AND I WILL. BECAUSE GUESS WHAT? I THINK I FUCKING DESERVE THE RIGHTS TO THREAD ON THIS BLOODY EARTH AS WELL AS ANYBODY ELSE... SO I GET IT! I GET IT NOW, I GET IT...!
The hysterical screams reverberated out into the stretches of dark ocean and melted together with the emptiness of the abyss. The waves were slamming viciously below against the rocks at the bottom of the cliff, and the shrill wind whistled, as if screaming along in agony with her.
(Hear my plea. Sit with me. Have the chair at the table, I'll take the floor. Have a conversation with me, will you? I have no one else to talk to... I'll just take some of your time. Just a little bit. I promise.)
The flood of tears dried, leaving blood-shot eyes and a stuffy nose. The screaming came to a cease and replaced with confused whimpers, throat sore with numbness.
...I get it now.
(I'm just a child. Nothing more, nothing less. I'm sorry if I'm taking your name for granted. I'm sorry for yelling so much. I'm sorry for wasting my tears. I'm sorry for hurting my parents. I'm sorry for not understanding my friends. I'm sorry for causing this mess. I'll clean it up. Once my feet stop hurting and I calm down and let the insanity shrink back into that box inside of me, I'll get up. I'm still alive. Life goes on, doesn't it, God..?)
She wiped the dampness off her filthy face and forced herself up onto her feet, wobbling like a new-born foul. She turned her head to the direction of the yellow street lights lighting the way to town and walked home. It hurt a little less now.
...and life goes on.
Money went down as easily as water went down a drain. She decided to look for a job. But hope seemed so low, and lady luck provided no help at all. Rejection was waiting to slap her in the face everywhere she went. Sometimes, she wasn't old enough. Sometimes, they had better options. Sometimes, the pay was too little. Sometimes, they didn't trust foreigners. Sometimes, they thought she was joking.
(It's so tough to be a kid in an adult world. It's even worse when you're walking solo. Don't give up. You're already back up on your feet. Just keep walking, okay?)
That was when she passed an instrument shop just around the corner with a sign hanging at the window, reading, "HELP WANTED, WALK-IN INTERVIEW, NO EXPERIENCE REQUIRED". That caught her eye somehow and she did exactly what the sign told her to do and walked in. That was the first time she met Rodney Andrews.
Call me Rod, he said with a smile. The first smile she got since she came here. He was a man in his early twenties with a bright smile and even brighter personality that somehow made Michelle feel comfortable for the first time she got here. Messy brown hair and friendly eyes that glowed with warmness behind thin glasses made her unconsciously smile back as they shook hands. Congratulations, you're hired!
The work she had to do was simple. All she had to do was sweep and mop the floors, give some of the instruments a good dusting once in awhile, smile and greet the customers and mind the cash register.
(See! I told you things would perk up sooner or later. Don't stop. Keep walking.)
What's this? She asked one day when Rodney handed her an envelope. She opened it and almost dropped the whole thing when she saw a wad of cash. It's your pay, short stuff, Rodney teased with a laugh and a wink. Michelle scowled at that but it dropped when she looked down at the money again. It's too much for one week, really... this wasn't what you said you'd pay me before! She whined, a bit guilty as she tried and push the money back into his hands, but Rod shook his head. No can do, sweetheart, he smiled and patted her on the head, making her take the envelope. Rosette and I know the predicament you're in, and she's real worried. And hey, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't either, alright? So keep the money. You earned it.
For the time in months, Michelle broke into a smile- a real one- and nearly knocked Rod off his feet with the biggest hug he ever hoped to imagine receiving from from a fourteen year old. I've earned it? I've earned it... she repeated the words in her head and suddenly, she felt a little bit better about herself.
Rosette, Rod's wife, was hardly ever at home. Michelle had met her personally several times, but she never stayed for long. But she was nice. She was a beautiful lady with a shining personality to match, but a heart made for traveling. Her passion was dance and she went around the world teaching and studying dance. Rod loved her dearly, but he hated traveling. You see, I don't have a problem with trains or airplanes and stuff, but what I hate the most is riding a boat... he grimaced and sighed. I'd love to follow Rosette around, but I get seasick SO easily! And I bet God thought he was being funny when he decided to make me marry a woman who's in love with traveling via the ocean. Michelle laughed and patted him on the back. He grinned and mentally thanked God for making it up to him by finally sending him some good company.
(You see, the world is fair, to both the bad sides and good sides. Life gives you misery, you get happiness. Life gives you enemies, you get friends. So shut your complaining mouth, smile, and keep walking.)
Rod had a second surprise for her. Apparently, before opening his shop, he had been living in an apartment nearby that he owned. But the thing was, his shop was also half of a house, where he had a second apartment built on top of it. Why would you give a fourteen year old girl a free apartment? Michelle gaped slightly at the silver key in her palm. Rod shrugged. Because, if I know you, you'd probably get kidnapped in those dusty, old hotels you live in... and accidentally kill your kidnappers. I don't want you to be a murderer. He told her with an almost serious face that only made Michelle scowl- then laughed and hugged him.
Things were picking up after that and that girl pretty much returned to her normal self. Her original self, where she was always, always laughing everyday and acting like she didn't have a care in the world. She danced, swayed to the music of the radio playing in the shop while using the broom as a dance partner, sang along to the craziest, cheesiest love songs and really never felt happier.
(Maybe it's time for a new pair of shoes...)
She exercised, made sure she lost the extra weight that May used to make fun of her for having, got rid of the acne on her cheeks that made her look so damn ugly by religiously applying anti-blemishes creams and she cut her hair, got rid of the stupid-looking center parting and traded it for shorter, thinner hair and bangs that fell over her forehead. She never looked better. Then came Rod's constant nagging about her needing to kick her computer addiction (finally coming to the point where he had to threaten to stop paying the electricity bill over the phone if that made her get her ass out of the apartment and out more often) and do something else. Michelle sighed, rolled her eyes but agreed. Teach me how to play the guitar, then, she pouted. But you're musically challenged. You said so yourself. Rod made a face and she casually shrugged and grinned. Never stopped me, has it?
(Yup. She was definitely back. Way-to-go, girl.)
One fine Sunday morning, a very interesting conversation took place in Rod's instrument shop.
"MICHELLE! Why don't you get some friends?"
"Yes Boss- huh, what..?"
"Frieeeends! I realized. You're like a damn loner with no friends-"
"I'll die without people."
"So why are you still alive, hmmm?"
"That's cause you're enough 'people' to fill a room, Boss."
"...Out. Out of my shop!"
"...I haven't finished cleaning the window."
"Ou-"
"Window!"
"-NOT IMPORTANT! Get out there and make some friends! ..or a boyfriend, eh? Now, THAT'S an idea!"
"...Like guys would want me. Now leave me alone. I want to clean the window."
"What's with your obsession about keeping the windows clean? Seesh! Short stuff, I know you're into romance and crap, so get out there and bring Boss home some guys!"
"YOU'RE MAKING ME SOUND LIKE A PROSTITUTE!"
"Which reminds me. I wonder why the police haven't shut me down for keeping a prostitute in my shop.."
"You talking bout yourself now, Rod?"
"...get a girlfriend. You're bisexual, right?"
"...Rod."
"What's your type?"
"SEEESH! SO ANNOYING! Type...? Hmm... How about an angel?" Michelle tapped her chin sarcastically in thought, "I want an angel, alright? AN ANGEL! Now leave me alone, ya nut."
"Hm, well, that might be aiming a little too high for your standards, especially since it's your first time and all, but I'm sure that can work out somehow!" Rod chirped, grinning cheekily as he grabbed her shoulders, pried her away from the window despite her protests and chucked her out the front door. "Bye, sweetheart! Good luck in finding that angel of yours!" He yelled after her and waved before quickly shutting the door and locking her out.
Michelle deadpanned at the closed door in front of her, twitched, and stuffed her hands in her pockets before turning around and making her way down the streets while grumbling.
An angel? She snorted to herself mentally, who was she kidding? There was no way she was going to find an angel in this dinky little town... did angels even exist in the first place? And why would one agree to be her boyfriend? Hah! The thought...
She kicked a pebble out from the sidewalk and frowned. Yeah, but maybe Rod's got a point there... she sighed, shuffling in her sneakers down the pavement. Maybe I do need someone... not necessarily a boyfriend, but maybe.. a friend. I mean, I got Rod and Rosette having my back and all, but it's not the same... I need... someone closer to my own age. Someone who I can look forward to seeing, to do all that jazz, you know? I need some company. Not sure who's gonna want me, though. Michelle dryly chuckled to herself and shivered as a strong gust of wind blew in her direction.
Fuck! She cursed as she whipped the hair out of her eyes and tried to keep her hair in place with her hands. Damn wind, always fucking up my hair... I never had this problem back when I didn't give a shit about my hair... Michelle mumbled out loud and turned to the window of a coffee shop to fix her messed-up hair. When she was done and satisfied, she was about to turn to leave when something... someone caught her eye.
Her jaw dropped slightly and she squished herself against the window, ignoring random passerbys who shot her a weird look as they walked passed.
...White? WHITE! Ohmygosh, that person is so white? His hair is white.. his clothes are white... his skin..! It looks like he's glowing... she gaped in amazement and gushed to herself in her head. A boy? How old is he? Doesn't look very old... but white hair? Is it dyed? It can't be natural, can it...? I-it looks like he's wearing a ring of light around his head... like a halo.. Who is he..? What is he..?
It can't be...
(...An angel..?)