Estonia here. You know, the world's master computer hacker?

What, you didn't know that? Figures.

NOBODY knows that I am the smartest country! Hell nobody would even know that I existed if it weren't for my darling Kerli! And if anybody says that she is a Lady Gaga ripoff my botnets will find you and spam your inbox with Trojans!

But people don't know that I am the smartest and most technologically sophisticated country in the world do they? People think the smartest country is Germany, because he holds claim over Einstein and Gauss, or Austria because he can play a mean piano, or Ivan because since the fall of the Iron Curtain he's become the top chess player in the world, or Japan or China or Hong Kong or South Korea because they're, well, Asian.

Well hehehe…that is all going to change. When my darling virus causes the entire world to crash…

Hold that thought I had to check my messages…

Ok so Ivan wanted to challenge me to a game of blitz chess?

I said BRING IT ON!

Mehehehe one of these days I WILL defeat Russia!

That day might just have been THAT day, seeing Russia had made several blunders, though he was still putting up a good fight…

Okay so then I got a plan. Mate in 7 (or fewer if he continues to blunder…)

Wait… WTF why wasn't my cursor moving?!

The screen changed and said "DENIAL OF SERVICE"

NOOOOOOOOOO!

VIRUS BABY WHY DID YOU HAVE TO BACKFIRE ON DADDY?!

OLE SA NEETUD IVAN!

I slammed my fists over the keyboard in rage. I grabbed my smartphone out of the side outlet with plans to deliver a few VERY insulting texts to Russia…

DAMN! The phone didn't work either!

I checked everything in the house… the laptop, the other desktop, the other smartphone, the other laptop… NOTHING WAS WORKING!

Must… have… technology… *dying*

I had to switch to some old dinosaur piece of technology powered by double As...

Like my TI-84 graphing calculator. Well actually that one is powered by triple As but...

I remember my freshman year of college when I first scored one of these, as a Christmas present from Tino, to replace my TI-83, which had gotten me through calculus in high school, that that bastard Ivan had broken...

Ohhh, that new technology smell, of the fresh cardboard and plastic wrapping as I opened it... just remembering it made me, erm, swell in the genital area, just like the first day.

The circuitry in this thing... the functions, the programs, the POSSIBILITIES...

I loosened my pants a bit.

I can't spell stupid stuff out of LCD numbers like I could with some of my older calculators, but I know my way well around one of these babies, and I was getting too, too excited thinking about what I was going to do on it...

But first I had to, uh, put my hand in my pants to... never mind...

Yeheheh, I know how to press her buttons JUUUUST right...

Okaaaay, I was hard as the chassis on my Windows 8 (that's not even out yet, jealous?) I stuck my other hand intp my pants to, well, it was only getting harder and harder... and wetter...

Ick. I should wash my hands before I get back to feeling on my sweet little Tina the Second (yes I name my calculators... my TI-83 was Tina the First... *sniff*) But I am too caught up in the heat of the moment.

Aaah, I could just barely remember the last time I did this. Good times, good times...

OH! The function I was graphing! SWEET, sweet math... ahhh... ohhhh...

I confess, I get feels when my mind grapples with gorgeous, elegant, BEAUTIFUL... mathematics.

Her buttons were becoming sticky with preseminal fluid. As a matter of fact, they were still sticky with preseminal fluid... and postseminal fluid from last time...

Not as bad as my video game controllers, mind you but still...

"AAEEEHHH HA HA HA... OHHhh... I haven't boned this much since I met GLADOS on Portal...

"AAHhHhHh..." the latus rectum on this one... nah not sexy enough. Delete and graph something more... curvaceous.

I erred closer and closer to climax as I graph figure after curvaceous figure... but the GREATEST HIGH OF ALL... is to not only solve an unproven conjecture but be the one to come up with it... a function that you can truly call your OWN...

"AHAHAHAHA... EUREKAAAA!"

YES. I SOLVED IT! I was grinning from ear to ear at the figure on the screen. Not only had I solved and graphed it, but I had also made a program that causes it to GROW... and shrink, over a range of t values, depending upon the ones you type in as the integrands...

Oh yeah and I made a whole sticky mess in my pants. I pulled my hand out, wiped it off and zipped and buttoned it up.

"Eduard?" Latvia was at the door.

YES! Someone to show my breakthrough to! I ran to the door and somehow manage to open it with my sticky yet slippery hands.

"LOOK! LOOK! Do you see that? Do you know what that is?"

Latvia squinted at it. "Uuhh, a penis?"

"WHAT?! Uuhh, hehehe, no silly it's the graph for... well, I shall call it Eduard's Theorem."

"Why are the calculator buttons all sticky?"

"Uumm, that's just... mochi. Yeah hehe I've been making a lot of mochi lately... see I even made one of you. It's over there right between the me mochi and the Lithuania mochi..."

"Oh goodie what flavor am I... anyway I just came to deliver you this text message from Ivan, he's complaining that you won't answer his text messages."

"Well, that's because my service is dead because of..."

Wait a minute... HOW THE HELL DOES RUSSIA STILL GET PHONE AND INTERNET SERVICE, IF THE VERY COUNTRY THAT CREATED THE DEAR VIRUS THAT CAUSED THE SERVICE DENIAL DOESN'T?