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And Yet They Shine
Chapter 20: Apathy
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Dim sunlight filtered through white curtains, pulling Bella up from a death-like sleep. She was disoriented. Her limbs were heavy against the warm sheets, and she wondered for a moment where she was, before the familiar sound of her coffee maker brought her back to herself.
She'd dreamed last night, she was sure of it. Her mind teased her with glimpsed images so rich and full that they was more like a memory, except that they weren't. It was unreal, and the more alert she became, the more quickly the dreams fled from her mind, until she couldn't remember if she'd dreamed anything at all.
She rose from her bed and padded to the kitchen, pausing the coffee machine just long enough to steal half of a cup. It was strong and dark, the fluid bitter on her tongue, and she relished the flavor, the scald of the liquid down her throat.
In the shower, the hot water scalded against her skin, and she emerged, flushed and wet, her body glowing from the heat. Her muscles were sore though, for the life of her, she couldn't remember what she might have done to strain them.
In the end she washed down to ibuprofen with a second cup of coffee and headed for the door. She'd promised to meet Ang and Jess for brunch, and she didn't want to be late.
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"So then he said he'd call me after work, and I so I bought stuff for dinner, you know, thinking I would invite him over, but he never called. I swear to god, Michael Newton had better just forget he ever knew me. I am not forgiving him this time."
Bella half listened to Jessica as she ticked off Mike's latest offenses and shook her head. Jessica had chased Mike for almost a year, and when she finally got him, all she did was pick him apart.
"Maybe he just fell asleep, or maybe something came up?" Ever-practical Angela tried to find the right words to soothe her friend's misery, but Bella knew it was a lost cause. Jessica liked the drama. She wanted to be angry so that they could kiss and make up. She…needed it.
For a moment, Bella felt a cynical, bitter edge seep into her thoughts. Lucky bitch doesn't know how good she has it.
Bella reeled back from the thought, surprised by her own cruelty. But rather than dig too deep, she discarded the thought and hailed the waiter for a second mimosa. Then she smiled and laughed and enjoyed the morning with her two friends, encouraging them to tell her more about their beaus. (Angela had had two very nice dates with a man named Ben who worked in her office. Bella and Jess made all of the appropriate noises as she recounted each detail.)
When it was time, they split the check three ways and went about their days. Bella tended to her home, purchased groceries and prepared a meal, and when evening came and there was nothing more to do, she allowed her thoughts to drift away from her. When she came back to herself, she couldn't honestly remember what she'd done with the last two hours.
And so life went on.
Bella went to school and talked with friends and if her inner voice was occasionally vicious, well, wasn't she entitled to be a little bitter?
When she slept at night, her dreams ran deep. They were filled with people and places that she couldn't name, the pounding of the ocean, the clouds in the sky. There was a golden apple tree, wasn't there? And something lovely came from that place.
But there were frightening things, too. Ghosts danced behind her eyes, and horrible images – skeletons and monsters - caused her to toss and turn, tangling the sheets around her limbs until she felt pinned to the bed, unable to escape.
Morning became Bella's least favorite time of day. She could never, ever remember her dreams, but awoke with the emotional aftermath of them, nonetheless. Sometimes she felt lost, and she searched herself, despair in her heart, for what she might have forgotten. Other mornings she was terrified, and woke with a scream still on her tongue, trapped in a web of sheets and blankets, sweat pouring from her skin.
The last way, though, that was her favorite…and the one she most dreaded. Some mornings she awoke from a dream that she couldn't remember, but she knew that she'd been happy. So deeply happy, so filled with joy that the pain upon waking and realizing that it was, in fact, just a dream, and the sense of loss, deep and aching, filled her limbs and her thoughts and her heart left her inconsolable for the rest of the day. Those mornings she wept in the shower, silent tears that didn't soothe the ache inside of her, for a loss she couldn't name.
As Bella moved through her life, she wondered at her purpose. She longed for something she couldn't name, and her anger at not having it turned in upon itself, until she became apathetic. Going through the motions. Caring about nothing more than putting another day behind her.
By late spring, nothing was better. Bella laid in her bed, tossing and turning in a fitful sleep.
There was a faceless man, and she found herself pleading with him for something she couldn't name. He waited on her, his mood shifting from kind to frustrated to angry and cruel, and try as she might, she couldn't voice the words that would signal peace for them both.
He turned and left her, and she cried after him, knowing that he was the only one who could bring her happiness, contentment. When she woke, hot tears fell from her eyes, and she searched again for the source of her pain, only to find nothing there.
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Compulsion is a strange thing. It takes you by the hand and leads you to where it wants you to go, and you, you will discard everything you know to be good and right and true as you follow it.
That was how Isabella found herself on the beach one cool evening in June. She sat with her toes in the sand, the hood of her sweatshirt pull up around her face, and cast her eyes upon the ocean waves. They pounded against the shore, whitecaps frothing within inches of her toes, and she wiggled her toes in greeting.
The fading sunlight sparkled on the water, and she watched as the sun faded, faded, and finally dipped down beneath the sea. The last glowing moment of light danced green and gold and red on the water, and Isabella watched it, a growing certainty waking within her, anchoring itself deeper with each breath she took. She didn't know what it meant, but she knew, without question, that it was a piece of a puzzle she had to solve, if she was ever to find happiness again.
She rose and took the steps sometimes two at a time, and when she stood upon the bluff overlooking the ocean, she suddenly saw it everywhere.
Spring was all around her and everything, everywhere she looked, was green. There were dark green leaves on trees, and bright green grass underfoot. Flowers bloomed and nestled against one another, bolstered by pale green stems that fed them life. All around her the world had turned, and as she looked at it all, the voice in her head, her heart, grew more and more certain:
He has green eyes.
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I finished the outline of the final five chapters today. Thank you so much for reading.